Bawl like a baby every single chance I can get. Out of my Father's view of course. need to do it...

I really think I am too tired to even cry. And here I am just my parents "driver" as they live by themselves at their own home, which isn't elder friendly now because of all the stairs. They struggle with the stairs but refuse to move to a safer one-level home.

Dad keeps falling every now and then as he doesn't like using his cane [that's for old people, hello, you're 92]. He had a 911 fall the other day that required a hospital stay, now he has to use a walker but won't use outside as he doesn't want anyone to see him with a walker.... [sigh].

Both of my parents desperately need to change their Wills to a Trust, get updated POA's, etc. Otherwise, their Wills will be a minefield that would last years and years to untangle. The Will might outlive me !!

I still have a career I enjoy.... who would ever think that going to work would be on the same level as going on vacation :0

I am a senior citizen taking care of 2 senior citizens... yes, I am too tired to cry.

Crying is very therapeutic. Studies have shown that very different chemicals are released through tears depending on the cause - grief, anger, happiness and other emotions release their own type of chemicals. Crying does, indeed, help wash away pain and sorrow. Sometimes that means that we cry a lot for awhile. That's okay -even healthy.
Take care and cry when you need to,
Carol

Your post made me tear up Bobbi, my mother has been gone 3 yrs Oct. 1st, and I've yet to grieve like I need to. Due to the fact it's a wailing Native American cry that Caucasian people usually don't hear, it's stuffed deep down inside me.
My husband retired on disability and is home with me ALL the time, I can't cry on cue, it's those times when I'm going through her things that I know her hands have touched, the pillow she lay her head on, the pans she cooked with, it's those times. And all those things are in my basement.
When my dad died, I drank myself into oblivion, listening to the music he liked and not caring that my husband sat on the bed next to me as I had a 5th of liquor I was drinking straight.
But with Mom, even though she was Caucasian/French and my dad Spanish and American Indian it's a different cry for mother(s)
So I've yet to cry like I need and want to, the drs can't figure out why I have the flight or fight complex.
We've learned my husband has 4 blocked arteries, damage to the back of his heart and 30% blockage to his carotid artery. Along with the fact I'm the only person left on the face of this earth that actually knows how his father died. His body was sent to forensics but too much time had gone by when the brothers decided to have the autopsy. I've told my therapist about it...oh yes, I'm in therapy.
Depression, anxiety, mood swings, bi-polar tendencies, sleep apnea, seizures, tmj, hypothyroidism, R breast cyst that was said to be benigin , fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, bulging discs, stenosis, neck pain from whiplash in a car accident. Just a little (lot of) stress.
We have grown children, my oldest is the adult of the three, but so cold, calculating, brusk, like her dad.
Our son, is like me, he'll call me late at night at talk, he's having a hard time at work, has put in his application for a terrific engineering position, but the co. is hiring 600 people, his name is on the list online, but no confirmation. His current job is paycheck to paycheck. I'd started saving money a little at a time, not really knowing why...then increased the amount, still not knowing why.
One night my son called, upset about how he was going to pay for his sons pre-school classes at a private school. *the light bulb came on*, I told him I had it covered for him and he just broke down and CRIED ....I told him tears are healing and that it was ok to cry, it was good to get the pain out of his body. He was so thankful. Thurs our Grandson will be 3 yrs old.
I know I've talked about a lot of different things and if some are out of line or not in the correct forum, plz forgive me. My lack of crying was my start and my ending. Thanks for listening.

Crying helps wash away the pain

Thanks for sharing that. My mother passed away January 20 and I find I cry about everything. When I'm alone though is when I do the heavy duty crying you're talking about. I cannot help it. I gave the eulogy at her memorial service last Saturday. I got up feeling like I was going to make it. Started speaking and broke down. I sucked it in so I could recover and go on. I only broke down briefly a few more times during the remainder of the service. I know it's going to take time for the ache to lessen and probably cry less, but in the mean time everything makes me cry. I cried because it wasn't January any more...the month of her birthday and her death. So many things make me cry...I can't hold it in. I know I shouldn't hold it in and appreciate all everyone said about that. My poor sister hadn't been crying much and her husband told her not to hold it in, to let it go, but she just couldn't. Then last Saturday after the memorial service, one woman was relating losing her mother and how hard it was and how she wouldn't get to talk to her any more and I guess that pushed the button. You could tell my sister had held it in. Bless her heart we were in public and she just broke down and sobbed liked you talked about for several minutes. I felt bad for her because we were in public but I wasn't embarrassed. And I would have defended her to the death if anyone would have said one peep about it. The pain of losing someone is so different when it's your parents and especially my mother. I feel lost because everything I did practically was connected to her, helping her, buying stuff she liked, taking her places, being there for her. We were friends too. Sorry to be so long winded. It's going to take a lot of work to get through this grief. It's really hard. And taking care of them when they are sick...that is rough too. My father was sick for over 10 years and I grieved a lot during that. His personality changed and I grieved that I had lost the father I had. I remember many gut wrenching crying episodes in the car going to the ER to be with him and my stepmom. It's all so rough. Hugs to all of you.

J Burton, Carols advice is right on target. I pray you get the assistance you need and do keep sharing your expereinces here. Peace be with you.

JBurton, First of all, caregivers cry tears of sorrow, frustration, loneliness, and occasionally joy. No one should go through what you are going through alone. I'm happy that you found help from the Council on Aging and I'm certain they'll be able to advise you.

I also would suggest that you tap into your state's website and aging services. To do this, type the name of your state in your browser along with the word aging. You should see many links there that you can follow. Every state has a version of the National Family Caregivers Support Program, though the name may vary. This program can be very helpful in finding you local services. You need local services so that you don't have to carry this load all by yourself.

About your mother's comments - that is the disease talking not your mother. I know that it doesn't take out much of the sting to hear people tell you this, but it’s true. Cry anyway. Most of us have been in your shoes and we've cried a lot for the same reason that you are crying.

Work with the Council on Aging. Look for other resources through your state web site as well as your local Area Agency on Aging. Try to go to a support group in person if you can. Even if you can go to one in person, we'd love have you continue to tap into the resources on Agingcare. You have a caring community here where there's nearly always someone who has been through a version of what you are going through.

Take care and please keep coming back,
Carol

I'm crying now. My mother has alzheimer and this morning she started on me about something she lost. I have done nothing buy cry since. I have no family that I can lean on. It seems like I am in this by myself. The only bright thing going for now is Council on Aging. We have an interview today and I am praying that we are approved. I don't know how much more I can handle on my own. I have reached out to my friends about what I am going through and little by little they have nothing to do with me. Crying helps but sometimes you need more. Specially, when it is just one person handling all of it.

Bobbi, I have had many a good cry over my caregiving experiences. It is a good way to relieve tension and helps you heal through the process. God be with you.

Thank you all for your input. I've always cried, until recent years. I am caregiver to my 88 year old mother, with one sibling who lives 1000 miles away. He was here for Christmas, and 3 days later all hell broke loose. He was still here in MA, had a brain aneurysm, and passed away January 15 at the age of 64. On New Year's Day my mother, who had ankle pain, said she couldn't stand it anymore, so I called for the ambulance. She had broken her leg, I presume simply from osteoporosis. I haven't cried as much about this as I would have expected, but a couple of times they've been the eye-swelling, headache-causing kind. I have always equated tears with cleansing, the washing out from our souls the grief and pain we've been living with. I hope we all find peace and respite from our daily responsibilities.

I agree - crying releases those emotions you haven't been allowed to release "in public". Those denigrators are so "proud of being strong". Really they don't understand those of us that need to let our emotions go.

I know how she feels -- been there, many times. May God bless her and her family.

A good hard cry is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of being strong for too long. I cry less than I used to. But when I have a good hard cry it's like I can feel the stress leaving my body. I can feel the sadness leaving my heart. I can feel the pent up emotions finally being released. It's a cleansing thing. A major stress reliever A break from holding up well and being strong. Something we all need very badly in hard times. Good for you!

You got me crying...happy for you

Yeah. Been there done that. Thanks for sharing so vividly!

I am envious that you could cry. I just joined this network and have not read too much on the site. I, however, have not been able to cry in about 4 years now. I blame the antidepressant I take because I used to cry at every little thing, big or small, sad movies, etc. Crying is exhausting but such a relief, one I wish I could avail myself of.

Crying has helped me deal with the stress of caring for my elderly parents one with Parkinsons ALZ and the other who is showing signs of dementia and is generally not in good health. I cry more that I use too and do feel better afterward no matter how short lived. I try to do it alone as I too feel it is a sign of weakness. It helps to know you are not alone and having someone who will just listen and not judge it helpful. You need to know that you are loved. Huggs

When someone like yourself, who has tremendous empathy and feeling of responsibility of these fragile people, I think other people without these responsibilities or the DNA gene for caring, don't comprehend the the gut wrenching pain it brings to us. Therefore feelings of being all alone, perhaps lost in what to do, not knowing how to 'fix' it, adds to the anxiety. It probably doesn't help that dad smoked for years knowing it was bad and probably frustrating those around him (to stop for his health) at the same time. You can't fix it all, and know you've done your share of what you possibly can. It sounds that they both had a good life full of family and friends- more than many other people have ever had.

I am in awe of your courage. You helped me so much by talking openly about this. I never cry. I am afraid if I do, I will never stop. I am the caregiver, too.

There is a chemical difference in the composition of tears of happiness/laughter and tears of grief/distress. We NEED to cry! Why would nature give us this relief and not expect us to use it? It is cathartic to cry. Crying helps you heal. Consider crying to be your "relief valve" for when you just can't take the stress anymore. There is nothing to be gained by being stoic and thinking we have to be "in control." That only leads to depression down the road. Crying is good for us and what makes us human.

Thank you, nhmom36, Nonna Rena811 and SunnyM318, for your comments about my Good Hard Cry and the support for letting go when the strain gets to be too much. Nothing pleases me more than learning I have touched another caregiver. If hope to hear from you again as I countinue to write about caregiving.

I usually try to hold it in until I'm alone, then I let it go. It's hard sometimes, though. I cried every day in the months after my mom died. Now, dealing with my husband's PD, and seeing his "sundowning," and losing sleep, I am sort of too busy to give in. Today is my birthday, though, and I am going out for lunch with a friend. As caretakers, we all need breaks. My DH is usually fine during the day, and I don't worry about leaving him... it's just at night.

Your words moved me to years! Crying is healing and necessary but we have grown up hearing the words, "Stop your crying!" so often that it is difficult to let go. But we need to as crying is part of the healing process; it is cleansing. We have a great deal on our plate nurturing elderly parents; wanting to do so lovingly takes great energy and sometimes what we see and feel is so sad, especially knowing our time with them is short- lived that the need to cry is therapeutic and should be welcomed. Bless you in your efforts and let those tears cleanse you! Sometimes I find that crying with the right person hugging me is helpful too! Sometimes crying in the shower with the warm water flowing over me is helpful as well.

Good for you Bobbi. A good cry is often what we need to let the stress and pain go. When I was recovering from knee surgery last summer and I couldn't see any improvement in the pain level for a few weeks, I had a breakdown and just let go. That was really the beginning of the healing process. Improvement was slow but gradual after that. Tears, and yes sobs, are good.