In my experience yes our beloved parents ,aunts ,uncles,wives ,husbands, who have broken minds because of the because of the UNCUREABLE disease Dementia, Alzheimers....They forget us ,they accuse us of anything and everything but yet we as the caregivers carry on because it is a job that not asked ,for but has fallen into our hands we give the Love & care to help our people to be comfortable and to feel loved and each day we pray for their comfort and our sanity.....We Thank God for the strength that he has given us to continue on our quest ,that the Lord himself has chosen for us the caregiver , we know that what we do is the right thing, although not the easiest it's the only way ,we as family must help eachother as God intended .look on the bright side, see your cup half full ,it is the only way to continue .

Thanks for this post.It helps me consider taking care of my husband having dementia problem. Sometimes I scared and disappointed to hear if he will tell some people that I am mean and hurting him,starving him. And then if we're just two of us ,he keep telling me that I am so special and good wife and nothing to ask. Of course I do everything for him,I stop working so I can take care of him 24 / 7.Dimentia ,mobilization ,pain and bathroom issues are the mane issues. I am so grateful of your article .

Mom doesnt seemto realize all the various things I do to help her on daily basis, or it feels like she takes it for granted that its like an entitlement things. I hear her many times talking on phone to others about me like I am just a bum who doesnt do anything. In fact, she told her doctor that her dogs watch over her and take good care of her......were making progress a little who getting her to try to acknowledge things I do to help make life on a daily basis easier for her and at the same time prolonging her needing to go to a nursing care facility. Any words of caregiver words of advice or encouragement welcom.

My husband of 40 years in only mad at me and threatens to leave me so often like 25 times in 6 months since diagnosis. It really upsets me and yet I know this is not what he wants or what is best. I fear he will actually go away and get hurt. I cannot stop him. I need my own equilibrium

Thank you, seems going through many of the same things with my wife. I want to be there for her everyday. I just can't see her in any nursing place, she has problems at home , what would she do there, being lost and alone. I have a wonderful woman who comes to sit with her for 3-4 hours or more, that gives me a break. Now have step daughter living with us and that helps too at night , weekends. I have cried so much at times and at times can't talk about it as it gets me so emotional. At times I just go out with her with me in front yard and pray and happy just to be near her. Yes, God Bless Caregivers. Its not easy by any means emotionally and physically.

Sometimes I feel like the character in Groundhog Day. With my dad it’s his truck. For two years everyday he will ask what day it is and I answer. Then he says Oh Lord I got to see about my truck. He totaled his truck in 2015 just before he got sick and ended up bedridden. No matter how many times I tell the insurance got his truck. He will come up with a story about needing to see about his truck. I have stopped responding unless he asks me a question about it. God I do love my dad.

Wow, Marlis that was so inspiring. Thank you!

They usiley only become combative if they were combative before, they tend to become more of what they are inside, if they are shy thay may become more shy,etc. my two charges were always argumentive, and the man was always jeluse but tried to hide it. He no longer hides it. But he has never been combative and is not now. So I would not worry about it. Care givers seldom get any thanks so your blessings are very much appreciated

thank you from a caregiver

You are a beautiful person. I was a caregiver for my mother with dementia. It brought back a lot of memories. Thanks.

It's so nice to know I'm not the only one out there! Please be careful. I have had to lift my husband off the floor so much that my Orthopedist has me wearing a back brace and a knee brace and the last time I saw him I had shoulder pain. He said maybe he should just put a cast from neck to knees!
I am now doing PT for all my problems, have developed high BP and sometimes lay awake (while he sleeps) with pain.
I thank God for a retired nurse neighbor who comes for a couple hours a week and our church which has a Sr. sit-in where I can leave him for several hours while I go to grocery and run errands. So I basically get about 4-5 hours a week.
I keep reminding myself that God only gives us only what we can handle but BOY it's tough sometimes.
I am 77 years old (he's 76) and thankfully in pretty good health....but what happens when I can't do it anymore??
He has Parkinsons (25 yrs) which means if he is in the hospital (or nursing home) they will be so afraid of liability that he will get no exercise and I KNOW be dead in 3-5 months!!
I just keep on keeping on.........and do a lot of praying1

Thank you, Marlis---this is my first time reading about you----you seem to pretty much mirror my life with my husband---he, too is not combative or mean, but very happy and jovial----I have the same problem areas you have attested to---it's funny how they will hone in on something so insignificant and drive you crazy with it----I really appreciate your attitude about him, for I remind myself, constantly, that I love him completely and always will (I tell him so , as well)---It's only been not quite a year, now since I realized his condition, but I'm learning alot and trying not to go down as well---my difference is my husband is wheelchair-bound and I have to be more careful about my physical self in doing for him---your article caught my attention because of the title (God bless the caregiver)---thank you for thinking that way, since most everyone else is concerned more for the sick one----it took me awhile to get okay with that (you know, we do all the work and they get all the credit?) LOL fortunately, I am a Christian and am able to allow God to guide me

In some of your explanations of a day in the life of a caregiver is very close to what I have been experiencing for the past 7 years. It was starting slowly but I could see what was coming. Over the years, I have read all I could find on Alzheimer's dementia. I didn't really want to admit that my talented husband could have a problem. As it became more difficult for him to remember the kids names or where they lived, I could understand how this could change our lives. I had to learn how to do house repairs, the cars needs, .yard care and anything else I took for granted would get done by my knight is shinning armor. My guy is 85 years young and still thinks he can do anything. The problem is that anything needing to be done can always be done "tomorrow". That has become the day I can get it done. I'm not complaining because I have become a much stronger person and I can handle most anything.

I fully understand what you are going through. I can only say been there, done that. and thank you for sharing. I've held it all in for too long.

God Bless You.

I understand completely. My husband was up every 1/2 hour last night with various reasons that made no sense to anyone. He is very unstable on his feet and fell 3 times. In other words I got about 20 minutes sleep. He is now sleeping in front of the TV. If I could trust him to stay put when he wakes, I would take a nap but I cannot.
He has now lost 1 hearing aid and his watch...got to be here somewhere but I have searched high and low...
I took him to the pool earlier and he fell asleep sitting on a ledge in the pool!
Our daughter just sent us a letter he had written to his kids about 10 years ago and I was amazed again at his wisdom. He is a totally different man today. Thankfully he is not violent or cruel just so confused and incapable of any tasks. Yes, it's hard.

Marlis you are an example to us all sweetheart xxx

Wonderful

you brought me to tears! don't be afraid to consider "difficult" decisions, though. God will guide you in that too!

Hi Everyone! I know that most of the threads/discussions deal with elderly parents. There are a few threads that some caregivers have recently started. I try to encourage posters who are caring for their spouse to the 2 threads below. I'm hoping if you all continue to support that thread, other spouses will greatly benefit from it... instead of hit-or-miss on this site.

FYI, I'm not married and rarely read the threads with regards to spouses - after I read about problems with the spouse refusing to shower and yet wanted to be intimate in the bedroom. Eeewww! After that, I decided best to not read on spouses problems with regards to caregiving. But I do refer to others to it.

The most current one is the first one below:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-for-husband-spouse-155578.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/feel-like-wifes-father-than-husband-158912.htm

So spot on! It's often the same little damn things, over and over and over, that start to get to me after so many months. I constantly have to help Mother with the television remote, anything more complex than on/off and she's at sea. Or I have to find her glasses. Or the phone. Or her breather. Or let the cat in/out. The only things she wants to talk about was how her own mother wouldn't let her leave town after college, or the loser her brother married. (They're long deceased.)
It's draining and dragging and like listening to a broken record all day long. At least your charlie is trying to get around.

Hello, my name is Maryke and I too have a spouse with vascular dementia.I can tell everyone from experience that it is much harder dealing with this when it is your spouse. My husband is 85 and I am 65 and we have been together for 14 years.It totally disrupts a relationship that was so close and it is very hard to figure out how to live your life. I am very devoted to him and visit very often because for the last 3 years he has lived in a nursing home. The nursing home is within walking distance so I am very fortunate.We have been dealing with this for 7 years.When he was still at home, I was overwhelmed and still felt that way the first years when he was in a home. But these last few months I have changed certain things.I make sure I have free days for myself and I have gone back to my church and again sing in the choir. That has made a very big difference in my life and my ability to cope. I know he has wonderful care and he has adjusted well, so it is possible for me to have some sort of outside life.And I have also learned to say NO to many outside things because ,in this position , with the emotional strain of always dealing with dementia , I cannot afford to give of myself in any area that I don't really want to. Whenever my husband tells me he wants to come home with me, I am sad and need the time to work it through. I know he doesn't remember what he told me, but still...... it hurts me to hear it and I am helpless because he can't walk or do anything and it takes 2 workers to get him to bed with a lift. I can't have him home and I know that, but he does not. So it is very painful at times.I make my visits very happy ones, and , thank God, he is a very gentle, loving man who never complains and whom all the workers love. But in this Christmas season I find myself feeling so much sadder because it will never be the same again.

Thank-you Marlis for your blessing to all caregivers. It made me feel good to get a blessing from someone for being a caregiver. I take care of my Mom who will be turning 86 soon. She has vascular dementia. Out of 5 siblings, I have only one sister who completely understands my responsibilities and my many difficulties that I need to face every day. Thank God I have a sister who understands. I have a new attitude about the holidays this year. That is "keep it simple". I'm not stressing at all. If I don't have money for gifts, just give something small. Keep the Christmas meal simple, so I don't have a lot to clean up. Thank you Marlis and God Bless You this Holiday Season. Charlie is blessed every day to have you by his side. I'm sure his spirit knows it.

Getting old is surely not for the faint of heart. But I am aware that where there is life, there is the possibility for joy. Sometimes though it takes determination to find it, and sometimes, the relentless pressure of caregiving overwhelms, at least for a time.

I am dealing with something entirely different. But I just happened to read this and I could clearly feel the 'love' and 'compassion' Marlis has for her dear, sweet husband. I do feel that we feel differently towards our spouses than we do for our in laws. But the pain and stress must be much deeper as well. Bless all who find themselves in this situation. Getting old is the pits.

Marlis, have just discovered your blog through AgingCare and wanted to tell you that of all and any of the caregiver commentary I have read, yours here helped me the most. My husband is 89 and has dementia, which is rapidly getting worse. He too is a sweet, thoughtful, caring man and has been my bedrock emotional support for the 33+ years we have been married. Most of the caregiver commentary I have read does not seem to apply to me as it too often deals with parent caregiving and not spousal. Emotionally they are very different, I think. I helped care for both my parents, but it was nothing like as stressful as what I am experiencing now. I completely identified with everything you describe here--the behaviors you are coping with and your responses. I will continue to follow your blog, and I want to thank you for your sharing this way. And I did want you to know that I found this entry very, very helpful. Thank you, and my best wishes for all the blessings of the season.