When I saw the title of this article, I hoped to learn some insight into why my siblings, who are all far out of state, act the way they do. Basically they do not trust that I can handle things here with our parents (and a caregiver). They seek to undermine me, they will do things like insist that Dad gets an xray on his ankle, simply because he fell, even though I had already taken several looks at it (as well as the caregiver), but since the out-of-town person used to work as an EMT, and insisted on having it xrayed, Dad then expected me to immediately drop everything and take him to Dr office. This is just one of many times where I cannot preserve my own autonomy anymore, sibligns are telling parents what to do, and not trusting me (by the way, the ankle was absolutely not broken or even sprained, just sore, and the look in the Doctor's eyes as he rolled them back....like, "What did you bring him in here for?"). It took me 5 hours to go to that ridiculous Doctor visit, and now my parents have yet another medical bill that could have been avoided. All because a former EMT, said over the phone "you really ought to have that xrayed". Sheesz.

I am 3 hours away from my mother who is in a nursing home. She had me believing that she was paralyzed and could not move her legs. I argued with staff and doctors stating to please find out what was wrong. Did I look like an idiot when I came to visit my mother unexpectedly and was surprised to see her in bed doing leg lifts, and then slid out of the bed with the help of an aid, got into a wheel chair, and eventually walked with a walker!!! It is hard to understand that my mother is not the person she used to be. She knows how to play me and make me feel guilty for her being placed there. Sometimes distance plays tricks, festers up guilt, but then again, the 3 hour drive is always the only time I can have total quiet and reflection time. It has taken almost 4 months for me to get to this point, acceptance is the key. Don't believe anything you hear, see it for yourself; be a peace with yourself, and leave the rest to God and the professional team that cares for your loved one.

This is a great article, I wish I saw this 4 years ago. My SIL was going through brain cancer, we are 7 hours away. We were in town at Christmas (her favorite holiday). She didn't want us to visit, very out of character. I tried to get my wife to go see her and she said "she didn't want us to visit so be it". I figured something was wrong but I respected her wishes. 3 months later and a fast trip to her hospital we were back on the way home with her in tow. We lost her in 2 1/2 months. Had we seen her at Christmas we would have seen she had been falling, throwing trash down the stairs to the basement (had a very tidy house) and she was unsteady on her feet. We would have had her under our care for just a bit longer. Its not always easy long distance, sometimes its not always what you hear but what you see as well.

All really helpful and realistic advice! I wish I had known what to look for! My parents were in a transitional facility...they were in an independent apartment for 10 years. I would visit 3 or 4 times a year. I should have noticed the mail, the clutter, the old food....but I think subconsciously I didn't want to face IT! I looked to the staff for direction; they said my parents were fine. They really were not; they ended up both needing special care which they did receive...in two different facilities! So much for paying for the transition situation. I finally moved them 1000 miles to be close to me, their only living child. SOOOOO much better. They were back together and we have daily visits now! Best of all, when my sweet daddy's life was ending, I had the honor of holding him as God took his hand. So thankful I will hopefully be able to do the same when it's my momma's time.