I think the Bach flower essence for repetitive thoughts, White Chestnut, might help with this syndrome. It's easy to take and has no contradictions with other meds. Thankfully (or sadly) my mother's dementia has removed almost all her language so we're spared most of this.
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Mom is calling her daughters over 130 times a day(each) begging us to come and get her and take her home. We have tried saying we will be there soon, we have blocked her calls, nothing seems to help. We have tried the white lies as well. It is hard to use our own phones because of the constant ringing. Any other suggestions would be well appreciated
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Not sure if I told this story before, sorry if I did. A friend of mine's father had Alzheimers and was still driving around our small town. At night he would put his keys and wallet in the pocket of his pants and put the pants over a chair. One morning he couldn't find his pants. His wife looked high and low. She told him he wouldn't be able to drive without his keys and license. Each day he wanted to drive she told him not till he found his pants. Eventually she found them stuffed under his mattress. By that time he was not asking to drive so she hid the keys andc
wallet. She also got rid of the car and got herself a smaller one.
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Reading the comments has helped me a lot as I am just starting down this path. My husband of 35 years, a 70 year old long term smoker and drinker, has been making me feel very frustrated. It started with the tv, watching only his show choices over and over again, I wanted to watch something else...big blowup. He is on a routine of getting up very early...2 or 3 in the morning (I sleep on the couch) and will come out and put on the tv even though he has one in his room.

The riding mower blades needed changing and he ends up needing one tool. A full set of tools came home costing over $100. The mower blade will be changed at the shop as he couldn't do it afterall.

Today, a blow up came from asking him to cut some low hanging limbs that hit me as I went under them cutting the grass. Oh boy. It was a long and quiet day. I didn't speak at all to him. My son has noticed things going on with my husband and the anger and verbal outbursts are becoming more and more louder. I suggested seeing our doctor. Nope no way. So, I am only starting and I am now understanding the habit that has become his daily life. Tv, smoking his smokes, nap at noon, up at 2 or 2:30pm and back to bed at 5 or 6 pm. Everyday is like this. I am carrying the full load and I was very resentful, but, I see now that this is progressing.
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You need to get an ankle bracelet from ur police department.
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This is just a little warning - Don't ever let Charlie get his hands on one of those postcards congratulating you on winning a free cruise. My husband is taking the dog and has him sitting in the back of the car as I write this. Yesterday he got out of the subdivision and walked 100lb hound down a busy road for more than a mile. I had to call the police before we could convince him to come home.
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gabrielleandvalli, I hope the calendar works for you. My mother doesn't remember the day/date from one minute to the next. I made a daily flip chart for over the TV so she would know what day to look at on the program schedule. She would forget to look there and still holler at me across the house, "What day is it?" I finally gave that up. Easier to holler back than to remember to flip the days! LOL

Amazing what their minds get stuck on, though. If I mention that her grandson is away for the day, she asks for days afterwards if he is still in that town, even if he has just stopped in to visit. I can't give her too much information about future events or she drives me nuts asking when/who/what questions about it. Better to say nothing until a few hours before it happens. And then sometimes she will forget it happened and keep asking me days afterwards when we are doing such-and-such. So sad, but also tiresome.
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Oh my goodness, I wish I could help and had the answer. This is going on with my mom, right now!

My mom is fixated on birthdays. When is so and so's birthday, if she over hears a partial conversation that has nothing to do with birthdays, she will jump in and say, who's birthday is when? It is driving me nuts!

I printed out a yearly calendar, I told her I was going to do it. I hand wrote in the birthdays. I was looking for something neater, a little nicer. I told her I had everyone's birthday written down. She won't stop asking me about it. So, I just gave it to her as is. If she can't give me a day or two to put something together worthy of hanging on the wall, I'm not sure what else to do.

Honestly, I am at my wits end.
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My mom lies all the time and it is hard for me to know what is real and what is a lie. That is a big struggle for me. If I ask her if she ate or if she took her meds., she will tell me yes but then I find out later she lied. Also she will have complaints of some physical nature and I am not sure if she really does or not. Is she really vomiting or not. One minute she says she is and the next she says she has not. It is really hard to know when to get excited about stuff.
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My mother is feeling quite depressed. These episodes come and go the last one was about a week long and we were very concerned.
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My friend's 90 year old mom recently moved in with her. Her mom frequently mentions that her mother and father didn't know where she is and will be very upset. Telling her that her mother and father died a long time ago was constantly re-traumatizing her. Finally, we just say that her parents already know about her move and they are happy about it. She is then calmer and lets it go.

Also.. Her mom always wants to wear mittens to bed to keep her hands warm. But in the recent heat wave here, she is already overheated. Telling her that she didn't need them just increased her obsession with them and became a big argument. But telling her that her mittens are in the laundry worked great! Her mittens have been in the laundry for weeks now.
I think we have to use whatever approach is kindest and works the best.
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Thank you for sharing that. I have experienced similar things with my mom in memory care. She wants to reconnect her phone in case she wants to make a call.
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He won't know the difference. When he asks if it renewed, say yes. Mom keeps asking us if we want any of her food.
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I have my husband who does not drive as a family member of AAA because in whatever vehicle he is traveling as a passenger, it is covered with his membership.
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The CareGiver support group I attend uses the term "Creative Lying."
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One of the strange fixations...that never changed from day to day...from my father is that cats DO NOT need water along with their food. (AND chickens as well) He faithfully put out food for the cats and the chickens, but refused to give them any water because "they do not need any water". (Oh and also the lawn does not need any water.) Argh! So after a few arguments that of course I would never win, I faithfully watered the chickens and cats every day. He would get so angry at me for watering the lawn, he would take the faucet head OFF, and put away the hose and the sprinker every day. My husband really got tired of putting the faucet back on!
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*sigh. But there are those times when a little lie saves a lot of grief and energy on my part, especially when the issue is a minor one. Like saying - no mail today, when there are magazine subscriptions she would sign up for in order to get the freebies, then unsubscribe; only to forget and then I'd have to deal with the resulting mess. Plus she never lookef at the magazines. Haven't had any major issues yet, but will not hesitate to use the white lie card when necessary. God has bigger fish to fry for me to worry about tbose consequences! ; )
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Thank goodness for the little white lie! It took a bit of frustration for me to figure out that was the better thing for both me and my mother. If I would explain something, it would lead to more confusion or disbelief on her part. She obsessed over her 'leaking' toilet - when in fact it was she who leaked before reaching it. She swore it was a bad seal, and no matter that it wasn't a constant leak, it needed to be replaced. After a month of trying to reason with her, I called the plumber who replaced the perfectly good ring. Satisfied my mother until, darn!, it started 'leaking' again. Then she blamed the plumber for not getting it right. Si.
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When my husband tried to renew his professional engineer's license, the agency sent it back with a nice letter saying they couldn't cash his check because it was illegible. He asked me to write it. I wrote it, addressed and stamped the envelope, then conveniently lost it in the side pocket of my car. I have no qualms about doing what I think best, with or without his knowledge or consent. He was lying to me and stonewalling me long before he became impaired. I do try to be kind.
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Ever since my mom went into AL she is convinced she's coming home soon (it's been. 3 months) so since I demanded no phones in her room, she's been borrowing a resident's phone and calls me nonstop to tell me to pick her up and take her home. I finally have to take the phone off the hook and there will several voicemail messages all with the same message. This went on night after night and had to end up blocking the woman's number she was calling me from. Desperate people do desperate things, right?

Then everytime she goes to the bathroom, she insists she's not put together right and keeps pulling up her pants over and over. This has been going on for months. She drives me crazy, especially the phone business. I get so worked up over her calls i have to take a Lorizipam, that's how bad this gets. She's in mid stage Alzheimers and I know it's not her fault, but seriously, i don't know how much more my sanity can take.
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I love your posts! I go through some of the same, and I do extend the truth at times to smooth things out!
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A martvlous article, very clear. I am having the same kind of situation with my wife, and my solution has being the same, white lies (whenever posible.
Best luck! and lots of force
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I didn't realize that these behaviors were symptoms of dementia. My mother periodically fixates on various things: her broken printer, the broken lock on her cedar chest, filing papers, etc. She knows exactly whom to call to get the printer and lock fixed, but says she "just has to get around" to doing it, and hasn't had the time (she volunteers 2 hours a week at her community library, so she's not swamped). I used to pretzel myself into trying to resolve her issues but she would just come up with another THING to go on about. I can offer about 4 hours of patience, and then I have to leave. I can't wait until she finally moves into assisted living, but don't know when that wille.
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Hello Everyone,
My experience with my father in law as far as the fixations things go, is that it comes and goes from day to day. I notice patterns. First thing in the morning is a bad time for him. Then he eats a good breakfast, and an hour later he's lying down again for maybe an hour.
Once he's up and around the rest of his day he does pretty well, unless something out of the ordinary happens. Consistency seems to be the best thing for dementia patients. Then around sundown, 4 maybe 5 pm he gets going on his fixations again.
My husband and I are getting ready to take a 3 day camping trip to the Colorado
river, and he's fixated on it even though his caregiver, who's been here with him for the last two years will be here; he's afraid no one will be around to feed him.
He thinks there is no food in the house and we're all going to end up on the street, and we're broke.
You can't convince him otherwise, so we try to change the subject.
It's a real challenge taking care of someone you love with dementia. Weather it be a spouse, or a parent. It gets very frustrating to say the least.
Hence fourth our camping trip.
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Sad1Daugher,
Sounds like Mom's trying to get attention. Like,...If she makes things troublesome enough, maybe you'd just take her home...right?

Sometimes they dodge from one thing to another.
Time between episodes varies.
Their reaction to not getting their way varies for some, is explosively angry for others, some dissolve into tears or sulk.
Review her lifetime behaviors and experiences, then put that in context of what's happened to put her in the A.L., her age & overall health.
When the dementia progresses, it changes as a person loses more of what was left of their abilities--they often get more passive--but then, I've known some who keep fighting to the bitter end.
Someone who starts out being demanding or otherwise difficult, can keep being so, and get more so.
Undiagnosed mental ills, head injuries, and just plain going through illnesses, injuries, life traumas, surgery, and just moving from one place to another, can cause elders to act out more, or behave as if they have lost their faculties, in numerous ways--and NOT have dementia yet...or those can precipitate dementias and add to them.. Example:
Someone who's been abused in childhood, had head injuries in a lifetime, and/or demonstrated bipolar and D.I.D behaviors during their lifetime, for instance.....that total package, plus age = existing mental/emotional issues, or other traumas--even moving to a different address, combined with the brain injuries, combined with aging, really made a choice piece of work. You can kinda of review a person's life experiences, & almost predict how they might become as dementias set in.

It isn't ever "just dementia"...it's their fears haunting them--they are losing their autonomy--aging backwards, becoming more childlike--not always the cute sides either! They will scrabble for whatever they can get-- that can make things tough on caregivers.

Part of the issue is her being her demanding self of record.
Part is that behavior being enhanced by whatever other conditions or dementias exist, and her fears of losing control.

That she KNEW staff was holding a large amount of money, perhaps needs to be changed....Like, IF staff holds money for her, DON'T tell her....Just tell her to talk with staff to get them to call you if she needs more money, instead of just handing it to her under the duress she slings.
===Then you get some idea of how far between requests for more, & how she is using it, etc.
===Money held by someone w/dementia, or even just a vulnerable elder, and in a facility, can be too tempting--not only for other patients, but for certain staff.
It can get lost in laundry or trash, or even down the toilet.
So can valuable jewelry...suggest any elder with pricey jewelry get it replaced with cheap copies--so it's familiar to them, but is no huge loss if it disappears.
There's good reasons inmates in facilities are not allowed to have meds, or valuables in their rooms--not only for the person, bot for others'..

I would never give the A.L. staff $$$ to hold for her, much less that she knows about, if there are any behaviors that indicate that she is easily fooled by a smooth talker, or, that maybe there is dementia developing. If an elder is being manipulative, as it seems she's being, it's a sign she can easily be manipulated herself, by someone who knows how o do it.

You gave her $35 for her wallet.....was that to hold her for a week or a month?
Where/on what does she have chances to spend it, while in A.L.?
Is that OK, or does she lose it, or give it to people? [other patients, staff gifts or bribes, etc. can happen...]
My Mom wanted to give money to all sorts of people. Big tips, giving it to those she thought were poor [even if they weren't], then fear of losing it all, stimmed more epic anger behaviors and accusations of theft.

What your Elder gets in her wallet kinda depends on how much discretionary funds she has or can afford, without jeopardizing anything or getting in trouble
---or causing an "attractive nuisance" to anyone else..
Anything beyond about $20 to $30, and, that gets replenished as soon as it's gone, starts becoming that.

Ya'll have to be OK with her "losing" whatever money she gets her hands on...
..or her getting away from the facility and taking the bus or taxi somewhere...
[one place had a little old lady who hated being there so bad, she kept running away....money in her pocket helped that--one day she managed to almost get on the bus that stopped at the end of the driveway, just as someone caught up with her...It would have been prudent to NOT have been giving her money in her purse...it contributed to her escapades.].

Time for white lies, sounds like. It's in everyone's better interests, and to protect her.
What you tell her and how, kinda hinges on her overall conditions, whether she is in enough control of her faculties and ability to make rational choices, or not.
If she's not making rational, logical choices, you need to make those for her, even if she doesn't like it.
It might also be time to question if she's still a good candidate for AL, or if it's time to move her to a NH--sometimes it's kinda hard to tell when it's time.
Her Docs should be up on that.
It's a wicked job, but caregivers have to do it, sooner or later...sometimes it's white lies, sometimes trickery, sometimes by enlisting officials to do it for us.

==snipped==... money - insists she needs it - gave her coin purse with $35 - and left $200 with the asst living people - she badgered them until they gave her all of it.
Is this dementia or her just being her normal demanding self??
She didn't fixate on things as much as she does now - but she did a bit.
And what is the best way to handle it? Thanks for any suggestions...
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My mother who is 83 and now lives in a ALF is fixated on her hair. She'll ask "how's my hair" a million times, to me and the staff. The day my dad died I had to go tell her because she was in a state of depression, before I could get the words out and that was very hard to do to say the least, she asked "how's my hair"? I broke down and she didn't know why. That was a very hard day!
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My Mom's new fixation is her shoes she is constantly wiggling her foot around and complaining it's loose. She will untie and tightly tie up again.. This happens at least 10 times before we have to leave the house..
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My husband has Lewy Body Disease and is in an ALF. For several years he has accused me (age 73 and definitely look my age) of having a succession of boyfriends who are sabotaging his computer and who are out to get him in many other ways. Absolutely ridiculous...In the 51+ years we've been married, I've never looked at anyone else. To other people, he's just a sweet old gentleman, and comes off as sane a person as anyone could meet. Will this fixation pass, or will it be with me to the end of my days? GMB
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SWOMBO,
Could you manage to subterfuge the credit card and account info away from his sphere of influence, so you don't have to keep running interferrence?

It may have been uncomplcated to reverse those subscriptions, but there's a lot of stuff he could buy online, where vendors are REALLY difficult to deal with--vendors that refuse to allow you to cancel the subscription or contract.

One gal near us, mentally ill, was very easily sold stuff. Some guy went thru neighborhoods here, banging on windows in the night, scaring people, then going door to door selling expensive home security contracts---suckered her for a system, other vendors suckered her for far more.
Part of my job was to untangle all that mess..

Many vendors have Machiavellian contracts with =zero= protections for customers, only protecting vendors, making it very hard to cancel those contracts, even when they were told the buyer was unable to make that kind of informed choice & contracts. Some vendors persisted even when told the State Attorney General was being contacted about them for their abuse of handicapped/disabled persons.

None of her family took over guardianship for her--they wanted to maintain her autonomy--even though it nearly resulted in her becoming homeless.
It may have been far better and easier, if they had taken guardianship--it could have prevented much frustration, hardship, and preve
It might also have helped her maintain better management of her ills.
But they didn't.

Many elders get into trouble--sometimes really bad, because family tried to maintain their autonomy too long---missing those "gray area" windows of timing, when it still looked like the elder was OK to be some in charge, yet, they can go down the rabbit hole so suddenly, badly.

I'm all for allowing a person to have as much autonomy --as they can handle--, but sometimes it's a really gray area hard to discern so subtle cues. That charging $2500 in one month, is a kinda big cue though!

Caregivers kinda have to take initiative to pre-empt trouble, hard as that can be, by finding creative ways to curb elder's behaviors.

Having someone the elder respects, tell them information they dislike, is preferable----it prevents the caregiver from being the "bad guy"---kinda protects the caregiver a bit that way.
If that is the DMV, or bank, etc., even better....they can get angry at the officials, verbalize their anger, and the caregiver remains a good person who cares for them.

The elder might still have some ways to keep trying stuff--
--like changing to a different bank, but, IF the caregiver or other family member has a POA, they can go to that new bank and pre-empt some iffy behaviors.
Some families have taken the steps of taking a photo to each local bank, and letting them know to refuse to open an account for that person, and why.
==OR, set up a small account the elder can use themself...when it's used up, that's all there is until next month.
One of our frfiends had to do that--the DH has been losing ground mentally, related to alcoholism, into that gray area----he still wants/hinks he really can do stuff, but if he had access to the real bank accounts, they'd both be street-people already.
She set up a small allowance account for him. He has the debit card and a few checks. Her name is on it in the background, so she can do online banking to keep track of things--he does not realize that, and he cannot deal with computers at all. IF he manages to budget well, he's got money to play. If he blows it all, he's done til next month.
What she's struggling with now, is,he's still driving some long distances. She's very worried he might mentally glitch, have an accident, or get lost.
At some point, she will HAVE to take steps to legally protect their assets--putting them into some legal instrument to prevent litigation from taking them, or, taking his license and car keys. Or both.
I really hope she doesn't wait as long as another friend did--that spouse kept driving, even though he could hardly use his feet--couldn't feel them anymore, and had such slow reflexes, it was unreal that he still could turn the key in the lock. God only knows how many close calls there were---the Docs all said to stop driving, yet he did anyway---and his wife refused to take his carkeys.

One old guy here, going thru macular degeneration--yet he kept driving, even when his vision was barely there....one day he nearly hit my car when he pulled out of the parking place 2 spaces away, then headed home--thankfully it was only a few blocks---I let his wife know...she took his keys at that point, and we suggested he get hooked up with VA medical--which had traininng courses for those going blind--he really needed that, and did well with it--but he struggled terribly against limitations until he learned about that.

Grey areas-:
When it kinda sorta looks like the person "might" manage some autonomy, but good sense dictates to pre-empt trouble.
Take steps---even if it's just planning---at the 1st questionable moment, when the elder still "seems to be able"---understand, they really aren't "able"
----particularly when it comes to safety of them and others----that means driving, banking, credit cards, sometimes cooking/kitchen priveledges, etc.
Like parenting a child, when telling a kid "no" makes them angry, so it might in the elder....new limits still need set; limits will be changing--be ready.
Remember how creative parents must be when parenting a child--its very like that.
The tantrums are just larger in a mentally limited adult.
Setting good, timely limits is kind, safe, sensible.
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Hi All - I am usually on the dysfunctional family chat area - but this caught my eye. My mother had a frontal lobe stroke last Sept and has been in an asst. living since - she is aphasic and memory issues. She has always been difficult - and now since this has happened - she gets fixated on different things. Started with her glasses - had to take them in twice to get them fixed - yes - they were a little crooked - but not to the extent that she complained. Then it was a tooth - after 3 months took her in - cracked - she blamed the dentist for breaking it. After 3 different appointments - she needs to get it pulled. Took me 3 weeks coordinating the oral surgeon, cardiologist, asst living & visiting nurse and then she refused to go - the appointment was too early. Didn't hear about it for 2 months - now she is starting in again....And the latest thing is money - insists she needs it - I gave her a coin purse with $35 - and left $200 with the asst living people - she badgered them until they gave her all of it. Is this dementia or her just being her normal demanding self?? She didn't fixate on things as much as she does now - but she did a bit. And what is the best way to handle it? Thanks for any suggestions...
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