Wonderful article. Thank you! Caring for my older loved ones has been such an honor, but also a significant source of stress. These were great tips for when stress gets out of hand.

I am a 24/7 caregiver for my 84 year old husband who has severe dementia. I deal with him all day long by myself and then confront agitation and violent behavior every night for another 6 to 10 hours or throughout the entire night. I can NEVER fully relax and sleep. He can get out of bed very stealthily and puts on socks, shoes, puts in dentures and heating-AIDS then wants to "go home" or experiences a multitude of other behaviors. I gave had to call 911 five times in the last two months, finally resulting in a five day hospitalization for psychiatric observation and evaluation for a change in meds. He obsesses all day and most of every night. That he rarely knows who I am is not a problem for me, but the constant anger, name calling an violence has caused a recurrence of tragic childhood memories and yes, I have angry outbursts at him. I feel horrible afterward but honestly what good are apologies when he cannot remember the effort in five minutes. He is oblivious to the care I give him and yet he has moments of near lucidity when he seems fully aware of those things which were always important to him -loss of ability to drive, me spending "his" money, wanting to buy his own car or a house. We recently had to sell our home and move into a small apartment to save money, and of course he does not believe he lives in this new place. Stressed? Burnout? You bet. Family help? A minute amount -visiting during the day twice a month when his behaviors are, of course, nothing like what I experience, so -"dad looks good, he seems better, he's moving fine" , etc. I could scream at them! And I never blow up or express anger toward them. But this man I now am living with, as I wipe his bottom, and spend the day sanitizing everything he dirties, belongs in a care facility and there is no money for that. I am in the process of finalizing the mediCal application on his behalf, but I know he will be denied. I feel guilty every day because I feel no affection for this man I married and have adored for 34 years. I am sad and depressed and pray that his life can somehow come to a peaceful end. He would hate this.

I am wondering if after blowing up at some one because they won't help with there mom who is no relative to me, and agreed when she moved in that he and sister would help, it's been 15 mos and I'm tired of all the excuses and bad stories how she wasn't good mom, so I told am off .. they live across the street and will not help.. so I lost it one day and now they don't even wave, I used to make Dinners just so she could see them.. they came for that.. should I appologize so they don't have me as excuse know..? They weren't coming anyway and I'm just fed up with there abandonment of her.. We have been friends our boys grew up together for 15 or more years.. I'm really not sorry though and I meant it when I said they took my kindness for weakness and that was a big mistake on there part.. or should I turn am into A A S.. it's been over 2 weeks and not a word from them.. as usual..

Words hurt so think about what you say before blurting them out, because even though you say "I'm sorry," they can't be withdrawn once out there.

Thank you for this timely advice. Just had a situation come up this morning with my mother over a trivial but frequent irritant. I truly apologized, but she was hurt at the time, and I felt pretty low. For her, short term memory loss is a blessing, as all is well now. Not so much for me, but chalk it up as a learning experience & sign that I need some R&R.

Timely for me.Thanks

Something to think about: in home care, adult day care and assisted living have whopping costs associated with them. Combine that with a care recipient that is emotionally fragile (fearful) has heart disease and a pronounced murmur, and is 92, and you have one impossible situation. We know we need respite; sometimes that "respite" is the one day a month where you are earning the income to pay your car insurance and buy toilet paper. I refrain from verbally slamming relatives by thinking that I'd just be funneling the negativity I receive on a daily basis to another recipient. I just don't listen at all (continue eye contact, nod head, play a song in my head- really, or think about what I have to prepare for dinner) and totally ignore what's being said. If it's on the phone, I go to my desk and pull up a you tube video of a funny dog, or put the phone down on speaker, and wash dishes. Stress can actually make you physically ill; been there, done that. Not rehashing that scene. I've also looked up Eckhart Tolle - available on you tube - has many meaningful insights in a light and humorous way. And the great part: if Mom is doing the standard-guilt-trip pose (standing in back of me over my right shoulder to see what I'm doing) she hears it too ! I don't have all - or any - of the answers. Just a snippet of how I cope, is all I share here. Hope someone either finds it helpful -or even silly- hey made you laugh. Oh forgot one: if anyone is REALLY pissing me off, I just sing opera immediately - Leonard Bernstein's "Candide" or "Evita" . (And with my theatre training, I'm pretty loud.) Hang in there. This is only temporary.

This is off the caregiver topic and does affect my historical caregiver duties to Mom that I am now getting psychotherapy for. I came from a divorced family, and yes, my mother is responsible for it. Back in the late 1940s to mid-1950s, Mom's mental illness, formerly manic depressive, called bipolar today, was often misdiagnosed. Mom was very bossy, Dad had to work to support our large family of small children but they could not keep the help that Dad had hired because the staff could not deal with Mom. So, here is the issue - Mom did raise her voice when things did not go her way!!

ive been reading a bit about emotional intelligence . it is becoming as important to employers as iq or in some positions even more so . it boils down to reading the body language of the people around you and having a little talent for directing the conversation or events towards a constructive conclusion . a little like leadership ability . not manipulation , just a bit of foresight and a concern for everybodys well being .
imo theres no shame in apologising to people . you cant improve if you percieve yourself to be right all the time .
eff this spell check with an iron pipe, ill spell the way i damm wish ..

I come from a family where no one raises their voice, never once did I ever hear a cuss word, even by Dad when he was in his workshop. Even my parents close friends were quiet, too.

So I was stunned when I found myself blowing up at something my parents were asking me to do, so close to tears, my parents were asking me to go to the post office to pick up their mail.... why blow up over something so simple?.... because that post office box is not necessary, my parents get door to door postal delivery at their home, why on earth pay for a PO Box?... and after 5 years of going to the post office week after week, sometimes twice a day if my parents had meds being delivered there, using my lunch hour at work, fighting the crowds around Christmas... I had enough !!

No, I didn't apologize because I felt I didn't own my parents an apology for being human. And yes, a year after the blow up my parents still have that darn PO box, but now I go on my terms.

Sincerely apologize and practice the principle of patience.

Yes, believe me, I've been there with caregiver stress and long term unemployment burnout. Family and I have placed Mom into assisted living because I was no longer available to watch Mom constantly; she suffered several injuries from falls at home. The doctors and social workers said she could no longer safely return home. I am not free to look for work. I myself have a learning disability so must rely on the CA Department of Rehab for myself to find office clerical work for myself or declare early retirement at age 58.

Great article, thank you!

I agree with the thoughts and feelings. Stress can cause one to act in a certain way. You must take time for yourself. Holding grudges does not help. I always say I can forgive but not necessarily have to forget. Continue to do your best. If others have so much advice, let them do it for a day.