The VA might be your answer. It worked for us. The Hubs refused to go to daycare until his primary told him it would be good for both of us. Suddenly he thought it was a great idea. Now he goes 3 days a week and they pay for it. Saved my life. Good luck and God bless

Marlis,
My name is Helene G. And I am the owner of a Senior Services here in Charleston, SC. We are a Non Medical Home Care Provider and although we don't live in the same area, I am extremely passionate and empathetic to people in need when it comes to assistance for their loved ones. I have SO much to be shared with you in regards to your needs that I invite you to please call me personally so that we we may talk and perhaps empower you with the proper tools to assist you for when you have your surgery. Warmest Regards, Helene

When we decided to bring in in-home caregivers for our handicapped sister, we knew she would fight having strangers in the house. So first we found some caregivers we liked and approved of and then had them come to the house to visit, as "friends who just popped in." After some time my sister became curious and came out of her room and ended up talking and laughing with the "friends." We had them stop by a few more times and then told our sister we had to to out all afternoon so her new "friends" were going to come and visit with her while we were gone. Worked great and eased her into accepting someone new. AND it didn't take long for her to begin enjoying the increased attention she was getting!

I have had my two knees operated on and my thought on the first knee replacement was why I waited so long. I recently had my five year checkup and everything is in good order. It great not to be in constant pain and wondering when my knee may give out. I am able to go to the gym and have actually lost weight which I needed to do for my well-being. They have come a long way in the medical field and I strongly support you checking into the matter.

Hi. One of the hardest things for me to deal with is what you just described: the person you are trying to help hates everything you do and say. Anyone else: strangers, or interested neighbors are treated as angels. This behavior is tough but my mother goes one step further: she HAS to put me down in public at every opportunity: going up to bank tellers, store clerks, secretaries an so on complaining about her terrible daughter. I am at wits end! She is ruining my life, chance at working places, everything. I am starting to hate her. These feelings are so alien to may natural state an so different from how much I loved being with my mother. It's such a nightmare. Sometimes I wish either she were dead, or I were dead.

But on to your knee problem. I don't have this issue, but I can recommend some "non-invasive" treatments that helped me when I had a car accident and had back problems. Here they are: read and do the exercises in the book, "Pain Free" by Peter Egoscue. Easy stress free things to do to help your body structure to be in balance. It works! He has chapters on knees, neck, and other body problem areas. Makes so much sense and the book will cost you $10 on Amazon or wherever you find it.

Try Feldenkrais. Gentle movements, classes, or one on one practitioners . See Feldenkrais.com for info and to find one near you. Very helpful!
Also, Tai Chi, Quigong are gentle movements that can help your knees, balance, and strength. Take a class to learn the basics or get a DVD online and do it at home. Maybe you can get your husband to try it with you. But focus on yourself and enjoy that quiet space. You'll learn to listen to your body.

Other things to consider: accupuncture, one on one yoga so you can learn which exercises you can do to restore balance. Research supplements to try to restore the knee. I met a yoga teacher who said she had once had no more cartilige left left and yet she learned how to build it up again. I don't see people benefiting from knee surgery because it never addresses the cause: posture, body weight, and things that are stressing the knee out in the first place.

Even though it is so tough on caregivers, I must say, isn't it admirable and in a way encouraging to see how the mind fights to sustain itself and preserve its integrity?
The human spirit is very strong. I also think the power of humility, if established in youth can help the older person be flexible. Pride, ego, and fear are enemies of the peaceful soul.

Hire someone to help YOU, NOW! Charlie will get used to having the extra person(s) around before you get the operation. If this affordable or can be handled through a caregivers group, like Visiting Angels, do it fast. Get those extra people in and around you and Charlie. It would be great if the VA could host Charlie in their facility, but meanwhile start bringing in the help to get them acquainted with Charlie and get Charlie acquainted with having help from others. I hope the VA does have answers for you, but time is not on your side. You will need someone to help you to recover. Into and out of bed, to toilet, to bath, to drive to therapy, to cook, to get the Kleenex box when it falls. Get the book, Prepare For Surgery/Heal Faster by Peggy Hudleston. That's all folks!

Marlis, I had knee surgery on March 10, 2014 and like you, was very apprehensive about it (I had never had any surgeries). The first day after surgery I was using the toilet (no way was I using a bed pan!) and the next day I went home! I cannot help you with issues re. your husband, but I hope I can put your mind at ease re. surgery. After I tried cortisone shots and "rooster injections" and therapy, it was time to ante up and do something about my bone-on-bone arthritic knees. I agree with Jessiemae--find a dr. who only does knees, do your own research on-line and query friends and acquaintances about their experiences. I will be 63 on 3/17/14, and I hope that this summer I will be back in my canoe and able to walk a couple miles. The aftercare is painful, and I thank Big Pharma for percoset! Because I am relatively young, I am probably doing better than those in their 80's. and by now you have probably made some kind of decision, but if I can be of any help, let me know. By the way, the hospital social worker arranged delivery of a walker and raised toilet seat, and it was covered by insurance. I did make meals ahead of time and froze them, and I do have a supportive husband. Incidentally, my MIL had 2 knees and hips done in her 70's, and she swam and traveled afterwards. She was glad to have had the surgeries. All the best to you.

to the last commentor... your mom might actually feel safe in a facility - she will have lots of attention, other people around... i think this might be the right thing for you guys...before hand, continually reassure her that it is temporary...tell her that it's the doctors orders. once she is there she will be fine. bring some of her personal belongings so she recognizes things...

I am having a problem with my mom too. Even with the dementia, she is just fine with me. But Steve (my husband)will be having a kidney transplant later this year, and a granddaughters wedding this summer. Whenever someone watches her, she just loses it. Has hallucinations, non stop talking. She is really scared. I hate for her to get so worked up as she is 94. Thought about a facility for a bit, but that would really scare her. I need a break and so does Steve. But we don't like seeing her like this.

i see that this article was written last year, but others may find this helpful so i am writing...mom with dementia and dad just getting old and i live out of state. i wanted someone to start coming in to watch over them, help mom with showers, etc and dad kept refusing - i can do it we don't need any help. i started with a nurse once a week but everyone would clam up and it was a waste of time. finally i hired a "housekeeper" who was really a trained caregiver. she would ostensibly come in to do some laundry, cooking and light housekeeping and eventually they all became friends and she could then help my mom with showers and stay with my mom when my dad had treatments. it took a while to figure it out and then a while longer until everyone got used to each other and to develop trust, but eventually i had peace of mind, and my mom finally got a shower!

my mother and aunt both had knee replacements in their 70s. that was 15 years ago and they are both fine. they were up and walking the day after surgery! you will be fine and it will help with your quality of life.

somehow the first part of my post did not make it in - it started with me acknowledging that like "therapeutic lying" sometimes otherwise unethical/unskillful behavior can have surprising results with dementia folks. In this case it was "guilt tripping" that resulted in the desired result when mom refused an outside caregiver (only a few hours/day as family covered the bulk of the time) so that I could go on a long awaited vacation. Mom is at times resistant and belligerent, but also frequently ... now continue reading above post.

times, mom often expresses deep gratitude for my support and the fact that I have sacrificed much to be her live-in caregiver (3.5 years so far). In my upset & reactive state I said {yelled actually :( } "I need a vacation and you know how important that is for my wellbeing in this challenging role. After all that I do and sacrifice for your wellbeing, are you going to be so selfish as to deny me the possibility of this much needed vacation just to protect your stubborn pride?" Her whole demeanor changed at that moment and she said "OK fine, take your vacation and I'll do whatever I have to". I am of course not proud of the fact that I still occasionally "lose my cool" and yell at mom, I have long since stopped beating myself up for being human and sometimes acting unskillfully out of frustration, and know that the frequency of my unskillful reactions has diminished greatly. I forgive myself, and apologize when appropriate, knowing that I am doing my best and mom is very lovingly and well cared for.

Just found your story, so you may have already had your knee replaced. I have had both of mine replaced. First surgery was 22nd of July and just had the other one done Dec. 19th. I am 61 and had bone on bone arthritis in both knees. It wasn't bad at all. First of all, I would recommend finding a doctor that does nothing but knees. I have had friends that went to other ortho doctors that do a variety of surgeries such as hip, shoulder, etc. and they haven't had as good results as I have. I was back riding my horse 8 weeks after my first surgery and my new knee is wonderful, no problems at all. I am already walking without my cane after a month since my second surgery. I have two more weeks of therapy to go. Still have some pain when I have been on it too long and some of the therapy is painful, but that is to be expected. Therapy is also very important. The doctor I used is ranked as one of the top five in our state for knee replacement, so do research and you may have to wait longer to get in to see one of the top doctors, but very much worth it. I had an epidural with my surgeries that they left in for the first day when they say pain is really bad. I have never had really bad pain with either replacement. Definitely worth it.

Once you are all healed up, you will be so glad that you went through with the replacement. It will be easier to take care of your husband and you might find that you have more energy overall. I can only imagine all the worries that run through your head, but your health and quality of life is important. You might want to look into purchasing a lift chair. They can help take the strain off your joints and help with the healing process. Good luck. I look forward to reading about how things go.

Both my sister and father have had knee surgeries. Dad had a replacement, my sister had a meniscectomy procedure. Neither one would repeat it. Aside from failing to fix the issues, the recuperative time was FAR longer than they were told.

I have just stumbled upon your wonderful article and am very grateful to have found it. Thank you for sharing these segments of your life which surely must be emotionally draining and physically challenging as well, considering you care for your husband and have your own health issues to deal with. It can't possibly be easy and I'm sure many of us here will learn a great deal from your work and writing. It must be extremely difficult to care for a husband with dementia, God knows they're hard enough to take care of when they're supposedly still "mentally cognizant," if that is a proper way of describing it and I admire that you share your stories with others. I hope to be as full of enthusiasm for life, and writing, painting, working and baking (to name a few) when I am older and hopefully much wiser one day. Not that I'm any spring chicken, now! Thank you, again, and I look forward to reading more of you blogs in the future. New knee, or old knee... Not to make light of a required surgery, I simply hope you have a speedy recovery! Thank you, again, and I hope your husband agrees with whatever you decide is best. I love that you're a "Gramma who loves technology and has a lot to say..." that is something I can totally relate to, and hope to read more of your blogs.

I don't envy you. I face the same situation with my husband. He thinks he can take care of himself, but he can't so I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I now have an aide come in once a week so I can get out for a couple of hours without worrying about my husband. Best thing I could do. He complains about it. Says he doesn't need a "baby sitter". I told him it's more for me than him; then I just leave. It isn't easy, but if I don't do this for ME, I will go completely crazy. You need to take take of yourself or you'll both be in NH with no choices. Do what you have to do NOW! Remember, his power of reasoning is gone. You have to make the decisions and stick to them. Good luck!

Some of the comments are helpful. I'd start from the bottom and read up, the better ones are at the end.

I'd like to share what we had to do with my mom who has vascular dementia when we all needed a break. We worked through our GP who explained to her that she needs to go to hospital (stepdown facility). It worked, she stayed for 3 weeks with no problem.

I think you may have to take the bull by the horns, so to speak. Tell him he has ONE choice of two, either someone comes in the home while you are in surgery OR he has to go to facility. If he needs you there, he should see that YOU need some piece of mind while you can't care for him. Bless you and hope your surgery goes well, if you go that route.

I have had friends with knee replacements who were satisfied with improvment

You have to give them a proper care Often, seniors think that looking for help creates them experience more insecure and that their “deficits” are somehow amplified. While this is a worry that seems very actual to the older, the truth is that their self-esteem and assurance increases immeasurably when they find out how much better they experience with a little intervention.

This is a dilemma, and we surely do all understand. You've got to take care of yourself though. You need an "alternate" just in case something happens to you suddenly. I'm not trying to scare you about surgery, it could be anything unusual. Your spouse needs to accept and get used to this person. Can you get some help from a counselor with this? If you think he will listen to another person in authority, then utilize this. Be firm and be ready to say "no," that you cannot be there every moment of every day. This is something you need to do for both of you. Good luck. I hope all goes well with your surgery (been there, done that!) and be sure and give yourself time to heal.

You have many challenges, but still are making a best effort. Way to go, Marlis. For helpful products as we age, check out PersonCare. They have many items, including raised toilet seats and other bathroom safety items.

Regarding your knee replacement, remember a replaced, artificial knee can never be as good as the one you were born with, unless there has been significant traumatic injury. I work with many seniors who have had one knee surgery, and they tell me they would never do it again, and of course refuse to undergo the knife on their other knee. Research at NIH proves that Acupuncture is very beneficial for painful knees. Chiropractic care, which is covered by Medicare, is another conservative method that benefits the entire musculoskeletal system and connecting joints, including knees. Your chiropractic physician or acupuncturist may also be able to help you with nutrition and herbs to promote joint healing. I would try every conservative approach, besides just radical drugs and surgery, before giving up on your knee. Nature is always on your side and works best when supported naturally.

That's "reading your comments"...not enough coffee yet!

Marlis, you are truly an inspiration to me. My spouse is 85 with mild dementia due to brain atrophy and sounds as stubborn as Charlie. I am also trying to assist with the care of my recently widowed mother who is 400 miles away. I have stepsons who stop by to help out with their dad when i'm gone every 6 weeks or so, but I'm beginning to feel torn in two. On top of that, I am 62 and facing surgery for a ruptured cervical disc. Wow, just writing it all down and knowing you understand makes me feel better.

Thank you so much for your wisdom and insight. Ready you comments helps me see things in a new light.

Thank you so much!

Sincerely, Nancy