It's amazing how perspective changes!

Carol, i felt the same way about the movie Harvey that mom and i love to watch at Easter. This year it made me uncomfortable. Dont know how mom felt. Didnt ask. Bi used to laugh and love that movie but after dealing with a year of hallucinatory paranoid delusions, i just couldnt find the movie as heartwarming. In reality the big rabbit would be doing bad things to Elwood and Elwood would be mad and suspicious of family and friends who didnt see him. IMHO.

I think that's true of most issues - people can try to understand but they haven't been through the pain so it's hard. We can imagine what it's like to, say, need a wheelchair to get around, but unless we've had to depend on one and deal with the issues connected to it, we can't understand gut level.

Also, on an unconscious level, I think (my opinion only) that people are fearful. "This could be me," something whispers. It's like pain is contagious. They know that (when we speak of caregiving) their own parents' or spouses' health could put them in a similar situation as yours and they don't want to think about it.

Good people can have limits. They deal with what they know and try to extend friendship but are afraid to get "drawn in." It's hard for caregivers to accept, but we can become isolated from our friends because we've become "different."

Hang in, Leaky. You'll gain from this, too.
Carol

Thanks carol I wonder why

Thanks, Leakey! Yes, most of us have experienced this with friends. It's so difficult. People who haven't "been there" simply can't understand. They may want to and try their best, but to have experienced it is what binds caregivers.
Take care of yourself,
Carol

What a wonderful article especially about freinds that drift away as I see so much of that wish there was someway to have them understand

I agree - AMONG cargivers is the key. I recently started to view the old movie "The Sunshine Boys" and had to quit watching part way through. This was made in an era when there was no awareness - and granted there was a message in it. But I couldn't stand the "funny" part because now I look and say - "that's dementia." I realize that my own reaction may be extreme but there's nothing funny about dementia, confusion, disorientation or any of the other tragic issues facing those with dementia and the people who love them. Sometimes there is "comic relief" among caregivers but that is where it should stay. This humor is underscored by heartbreak and compassion. Thanks so much for your comment - your point needs to be stressed repeatedly.
Carol

Humor shared AMONG caregivers is great. But I am disturbed when companies, like New England BMW, uses a confused senior to poke fun at and sell their cars. And I don't like the portrayal of the care taking family either. Grand ma is in the back seat and always saying off base or un-true things with son correcting her in front of grand children in middle seat. They NEVER say things about why you should buy their car...they have about 3-4 versions and each one makes me a bit more upset. So we can make fun of seniors with dementia to sell things...what if they were a person of color or a young person with disabilities?

Maybe I am just overly sensitive...they should live some time in my shoes before making fun of seniors or family care givers...

True dat. My MIL is the most unintentionally funny person on earth. She was born without a sense of humor and with a vast sense of her own superiority. She's always been impossible to deal with. If my husband and I couldn't laugh about some of the stunts she's pulled, we would have murdered her long ago.
Sometimes she'll say things that are so off-the-charts screwed up that it's all we can do not to burst out laughing. When that happens, we try to think of terribly tragic things like dead puppies and mangled baby ducks. Still, it's hard not to laugh.
We laugh about it later, though.
Recently, she confided in me that she thinks she would have made a very good black woman. This from a rich white woman who was born in the deep South during the Jim Crow era.
Lately, she's taken to calling any animal that she can't immediately put a name to a "boa constrictor." As in, "Look at that boa constrictor eating sunflower seeds out of my bird feeder!"
Honestly, the laffs just keep on coming.

You are all so wonderful that it warms my heart to think I could help a bit with this article. I don't always see every comment as it's written, but I want you all to know that your comments - positive or not - are appreciated. As seenyapa said, caregivers are amazing people. Take care of yourselves.
Carol

A good laugh is the best Medicine as long as you remember to put your Depends on first.
May be there should be a warning on some posts.
"Caution this post contains humor"

a social case worker at ednas physical rehab told me about a month ago that too many family carers live in a state of exasperation. she said the ones who could find humor were by far the better caregivers. the last year of my mothers life when she knew she wasnt coming out of " this " alive , i felt it my duty to try to keep the atmosphere as light as possible. moms been gone for 9 months now and the times we could laugh are all i remember , or care to remember..

When my dad's family used to phone him, used to, he would answer and say "hello Im fine, ok goodbye" and put the phone down.

Needless to say, he no longer get calls. :(

Today is Mother's Day. The phone rang and I saw it was a long distance number. I know all of my siblings area code. This was not one of theirs.
I answered, "XXX residence."
The female caller said, "Mom."
I'm not a mother. So, I figured she got the wrong number. I said, "This is XXX residence."
The caller replied, "Mom,.."
I repeated again but more slowly and emphasizing my last name, "This is XXX residence."
The caller, again said, "Mom."
I said in frustration, "I'm NOT a Mother!"
The caller responded, "Aunty? I thought you were my mom! You both sound alike. And mom always answers the phone with XXX residence."
I exclaimed in a loud voice with exasperation, "Brittany!!!"
My niece and I then broke out in laughter. My first laugh of the day. =)

Great article Carol! Insightful, honest, and beautifully written. Giving you a standing O!!

Our Mother keeps us in stitches and doesn't realize it most of the time. Between dementia, a small stroke which left her with word salad and then a brain bleed from her blood becoming to, thin communication is not at it's best but we do what we can. EX: Mom you learned how to talk in code only you forgot to teach us the code. She said yes and started laughing. One day while fighting taking her meds she said I wish you d**n kids would get out of my face. I could probably give a couple of good giggle lines every day and I just might. Her hospice nurse loves to here the new ones every time she visits! And yes while a lot of people would not understand the laughter goes a long way in helping reduce stress for the caregivers!!!

Carol, this is one of your best articles! Thank you!

My dad 85 who has just been officially diagnosed with alzeihmers, visited a second cousin with his brother. On arrival he said to the cousin "Oh I thought you were dead already" The cousin is in his 50's.
We were quite embarrassed, but his brother thought it hilarious.

and do we need that sense of humour :) Care givers are amazing people.

Laughter has always been my therapeutic med of choice. Knowing when and with whom takes training.

Well written, with brilliant insight. Thank you for sharing this with us...

At one point, I was attending two support groups as part of my ongoing self-education. One group has a gentleman who is caring for his elderly wife at home. She is in the later stages of the disease and they have been married for more than 50 years. He is the joker of the group. At first, I was taken back by his demeanor and actually every first-time attendee is as well. But now that I have been to dozens of meetings, I realize that his humor not only helps the group but it helps him as well. This group compared to the other group which has no humor is better received by caregivers. I’m not saying the second group isn’t beneficial for the caregivers, it absolutely is, but it is more of a downer. The 85 year old joker on the other hand gets others laughing about the silliest things. Because of this, I see more camaraderie amongst the group. I always think how great it would be if I could bottle his humor and take it to other groups.

I get my comic relief by reading capnhardass several times a day. Sometimes I laugh so uncontrollably I pee in my pants. If I see that he has posted somewhere I start laughing. Even before I have read it, I know it's going to be funny. Similar to hearing the name "Bill Murray", it's all over for me. I'm ROFLMAO. !!! xo

my mother and i are forever joking about smashing and snorting her meds. if the med warns of interaction with alcohol ill always tell her we'll need booze. the hospice workers arent sure what to think about us.. they dont push us around if they think were bout half nuts. thats how we want to keep it..

You are so right. Since I started writing my humorous side of care giving blog I am amazed at the responses and how other caregivers love to laugh about our situations.