I'm one of those, too, who moved off almost as soon as I got grown and could have possibly moved back; maybe I should have, I knew of someone when I was a teenager who did, even though they were married but just wasn't sure felt free to do it; guess I, too, felt they would eventually move my way; have a friend who both of their parents did and mom would have, especially has seemed like most of her friends did so she basically had none left in the area, but dad wouldn't, but later he said he wished he had, and maybe still could have at that point, but something wondering if any other long distance children have done; have you prepared a place for your parents first, then they sold their home or waited to sell first, which dad said if we'd gotten him a place ready he would have moved here; anyway, having said that, I was grateful they had moved to where they did have neighbors and I would go stay for weeks at a time, as mom had various issues come up, once her doctor called me and told me to be there at her next visit, after a crisis had arisen; before then she didn't want me to know anything, either, so I had to do the "sneaky pete" routine as well, though guess did have to know her appt., so much have gotten that somewhere along the way, so called the doc while they were there, so then basically they had no choice but to talk to me then, though she was mad about it but did get her some help coming into the home that way, then got her/them down here, but dad would never stay and they were already not making the trip down here by themselves but I had been up there and driven them down in their car, so he was threatening to drive it back, so drove them back, then finding out some more things mom had done, which is what had caused the issues she was having but this was a different doc I hadn't talked to, so was going to say they hadn't told me because of all this HIPAA privacy stuff but yet she told me then, maybe because things had gotten to such a crisis mode that led to something more severe that she didn't recover from and that's just the medical stuff, leaving out all the hygiene issues arising from it but yet all the misunderstandings and miscommunication in trying to deal with it, like what was supposed to have been done while she was in the hospital but wasn't, very hard time

Glad (if that's the right word) to hear that others have been stymied by their elderly parents' lies. My mom's decline and stubbornness and denial were bad enough. But her half-truths, cover-ups and out-and-out lies compounded my despair.

It took some time -- and a lot of sneaking and spying -- to reveal the extent of mom's bamboozling. Basically, the only way I could discover the truth was to be as deceptive and secretive as mom was. So twisted.

I don't think mom intended to cast me in the role of "chump." But that was the net effect. The people in mom's life who saw things I didn't thought I was a bad daughter, because I didn't drop everything and turn my life into a monument to fixing things that I didn't know were wrong.

After I discovered some ugly truths, the people in mom's life who believed her cover-ups and fell for her showtiming would not accept my account of how things were really going. How could I say such things about my dear sweet mother?....bla bla.

And don't get me started on how weird mom was with money. I knew she was financially secure. Knew to the penny that she had the means to live with dignity in a safe environment with appropriate help -- if she chose to.

But mom championed her "independence" by staying put. And tripping over (and falling into) her hoards. And letting her house fall into disrepair. And letting the yard go to pot. And eating the same half-dozen convenience foods over and over, because she didn't have the strength/dexterity to use a knife, pull a pan out of the oven or scrub pots and pans. And taking short hops in a 24-year-old clunker that should have gone no where but the junkyard.

And the person who said their elderly parent stopped flushing the toilet to save money he/she didn't need to save? Ditto.

It's draining to constantly strategize for a host of different outcomes. In addition to my frequent calls and help-visits to my mother, I became a databank of elder-assistance resources. On the county, state, federal and self-pay level. Taught myself all the buzzwords to say to a hospital discharge planner. Kept phone numbers of friends, neighbors, family, financial planner and lawyer at the ready. While somehow managing my own life and career (at a distracted bare-minimum). And knowing all the while that mom would shut down any and all common-sense suggestions.

Mom's rule of thumb: If something wasn't her idea, she wanted no parts of it. Corollary: Mom had no ideas of her own. Other than staus quo to the grave. And thumbing her nose at all of the resources she was fortunate enough to have.

For some of us, the grieving starts before the funeral. Years before.

Another key indicator that there is something going on with your aging parent is hygiene. When balance is off or there is fear of falling, the task of bathing is one that aging people tend to avoid. Where full bathroom modifications are very expensive, there are options that are affordable and provide your parent/loved one with security, independence and give you peace of mind.

I would make a list on my smart phone of resources and people in their area. Also its very hard to convince your parents do change or do things when they are both alive and act as a team (read that as 50's way of doing things: the husband decides, the wife follows and doesn't say boo) and won't do the things you suggest. Its frustrating! Probably lots easier if you only have one parent, I'm guessing.

Sounds like all great advice. However my opinion is simple . first their your parents not pets, it's like your checking in on the family dog. 2nd: hindsight being 20/20 we all get old ; one has made the choice to move away,be it for job, love or a better life. That being said eventually the day will come when you will have you'll have 2 choice's to choose from one. That would be either move back closer to home ( easier said then done) understandable you have a life where you live at present or at some point your elders (if they live to a rip old age) inevitable will need 24/7 care which may even include placing them in a care type facility. For me, .I choose to stay close to home and for this I am grateful. It has made care giving, not easier but let's say less stressful then it needs to be. But in all fairness to each his own. This is just one care givers opinion.

My dad has dementia and he is 74. He is progressively getting worse. What I mean by that is he is getting down right mean and nasty and verbally abusive to myself and my mom. He is also a horder and got a fine from the township where he lives to clean up his yard or pay a hefyt fine. I have spent the last week trying to clean up his yard and also work 50 hours a week and take care of my family. He is having a really hard time letting this junk go. When I say junk that is exactly what it is. I am having a harder time calming him down and I am not sure what to do to help my mom.

I am back to comment. Someone suggested I call Adult Family Services on my neighbor/friend-(with all the Red Flags and more), I did call them and they checked in on him twice and I have been in touch with them. His living conditions are deplorable and they said there is nothing they can do about it, besides tell him to clean it up. The Mgr. of the building even contacted his kids - probably because they don't want a law suit when he falls down again or craps in the hall and someone slips. The kids don't care. Yes, he is VERY stubborn & has the $$ to get help, but refuses. As I said, I can only do so much for free I might add. My bleeding heart days for him may be over as he is bringing ME down and this case is not my responsibility as a neighbor nor am I equipped to handle.

Oh, how I feel for all of you. I was 800 miles away from my aging mother who began showing signs of dementia. She was also a great actress so that when I was with her when she was interviewed by psychiatric nurses she put on a great show of normalcy. Long story short, I put her in my car and drove her the 800 miles to my home in one day! Talk about a traumatic experience for us both but she needed to be some place safe. She then spent 18 months in a nursing home with hospice helping us the last six. I loved my mother dearly (I am an only child) but was exhausted, frustrated, sad, you name it. This was the toughest time of my life. Everybody, hang in there.

I would like to share another thing of which to beware... the elder person might try to HIDE these signs of aging.

Case in point, my mother is a very private person (always has been), and my father is fiercely independent. When we would come for a visit, Mom would tidy-up the common areas of the house so everything looked acceptable. However, the bedrooms and other more-private areas were in DEPLORABLE condition, yet we never knew.

In an effort to save on heating/cooling bills, the bedrooms had been closed-off for so long that the walls had mold and mildew growing on them and the clutter was incomprehensible. The same was true of the laundry room, their half-bathroom, and other rooms that were not seen on most visits.Somehow, someway, make an effort to check ALL areas of the house!

I have been living here in their house now for two-and-a-half years and we STILL have not gotten a grip on all the problems that developed because they were either too private, or too proud, to admit.

My parent's neighbors have commented to us that they were concerned for my parent's safety as their health declined. What they don't realize is that my parents finally relented to have a day caregiver help out as we, his eight children, either worked full-time or lived 45 miles away. My sister and I get over during the week, do doctor visits, etc. I am fortune that all of us try to do what we can. We talk with the caregiver, have phone numbers in large print by the phones. Maybe you could arrange for weekly updates via phone or ask for input from the family for activities, etc. Let me also say that my mother speaks so fondly of Donna, the caregiver, that I want to remind her she is being paid to care for you. But........ I would never do that. I am just so thankful we have found such a caring person.

We lived miles away. My mom lied to us all. Covered up. Neighbours enabled them to cover it up. No one told us the true situation.
Many made some excellent points! Each situation is so different.

I have to agree that Long Distance Caregiving is a fantasy at best. Granted most people who do it have no choice but it doesn't make it any less of a fantasy. I know from experience. My poor cousin tried to do with her parents. My aunt had advanced diabetes and neuropathy (invalid) and her husband my uncle with dementia (AND HE WAS THE MY AUNT'S CAREGIVER and thought and insisted that HE was in charge). My sweet cousin would try to fly hundreds of miles once a month or so to do the laundry, food shopping take care of the bills,etc. She wanted to believe that if she got it "fixed" for them for a month they would be ok until she returned the next month. IMPOSSIBLE. Neighbors were calling my cousin because the cops were called because of the goofy things my uncle was doing. It was a mess. She finally had to move them both closer to her and put them in a nursing home 10 minutes from her house where she could see them every other day.

Amen to Char123, and God Bless to gymbyacht for being a good person. There is no "wrong" here, only compassion. I dealt with a very similar situation 10 years ago with my mother. She absolutely refused to move from her apartment, fired the caregivers we hired for her, etc. etc. It was only a catastrophic event (she was trapped in her bath tub and couldn't get out or call for help), that allowed us to intervene...and only then because she was very frightened.

Recently my wife's father, age 87, was in a major auto accident and his world came crashing down. We live 300 miles away and she is the only family member to deal with it. When she arrived at the family home she discovered major signs of Elder Abuse By Neglect at the hands of my wife's 41 year old adopted sister with undeniable mental problems. Should we have seen the signs? Maybe. However we have no time to asign "blame". All we can do is be ready for the next crisis. Our Cell Phones are now "on" 24/7 and we jump if it rings at night or early in the morning. "Reverse Parenting" is a tough job, particularly when the parents keep things from you. I saw this with my mother, and I see this with my father-in-law. To make matters worse, in the past year, the adopted daugther who'd been living with my father-in-law, brought in 7 cats, all in-doors with NO LITTER BOXES...and refused to clean up after them! The Horror that my wife walked into at the family home was unimaginable. To make matters worse, my father-in-law is running out of money. His only asset is his home and we have to repair it and sell it to fund his living/medical needs. To accoomplish this, we had to force the adopted daughter out... and now she is living in a homless shelter! I don't believe in "lose-lose" scenario's, but this one may just qualify.

We all have burdens to carry. Don't be qjuick to judge.

One might consider talking with someone from adult protective services. Could be that will be the best choice for someone like that down the road. Better to call and have some idea before it is needed. This way you will know at the time if it is the best thing to do.

dearest gmbyacht, I totally understand your frustration. We dealt with a similar situation. We are the children who live 150 miles away. We tried to get the parent to move closer, get a housekeeper, have things fixed in the house, use meals on wheels daily, etc etc. He refused and refused and lied and lied to us about how things were, even after we would go and see for ourselves. It was a real struggle to know he was in declining health and his home was a disaster. We were ever so grateful that a neighbor was watching and kept us informed. It is so hard to be the child of a parent that refuses help and refuses to move and fights with all their strength to stay in their home. We did not have the resources to pay for what was needed, the parent did however but refused to pay anything, even got to the point of not flushing toilets to save money on water bills. Please don't be too quick to judge the children of the elderly, your crown for helping will be laid up in heaven and bless your heart for caring. You just do what you can when you can, but don't make it your total responsibility, I'm sure the children know that you can only do so much. They are more than likely burdened with knowing and feeling their hands are tied too if the parent is stubborn. Bless you

There is no such thing as a "long distance" caregiver. I help out a man/neighbor on a daily basis and have seen all of these flags and informed his kids (that occasionally show up for the holidays - fr. hundreds of miles away - and to pick up their gift check.) and they don't care. My hands are tied and there is only so much I can do. I am the caregiver, his children are NOT.