I respectfully disagree with your interpretation of why friends disappear. There are friends and caring people and there are shallow good time friends. Those unfortunately are the majority. They are only concerned about their inconvenience in speaking loudly or walking slowest. It inconveniences them. On the bright side we have found a few women who are angles and will spend time with my wife for a lunch or short shopping stop. I cannot understand how these so called educated 75 year olds are so selfish.
When you become a caregiver to a family member watch out when family tries to take over and does. My husband and I were taking care of his brother for 15yrs no one wanted the responsibility of it until one time that I couldn't go into the ER with him then his niece took it upon herself to take over got POA paperwork which was not legal because when we sign as witnesses we didn't see him sign the paperwork and the POA paperwork was notarized by a friend who didn't see him sign either. My BIL was going on 5 yrs with dementia so he couldn't sign anything and the hospital where he was in at the time wouldn't get her that paperwork because he was under meds so he wasn't in his right mind.
When they got that they wanted to know how much money he had, they kept asking me because I was his rep. payee for social security by way of his doctor who signed the paperwork and I was his rep payee for 3 yrs before they tried to take over that. They went to a doctor to get him prove incompetent which the doctor would not sign the paperwork. They tried to get POA financial but that wouldn't have worked for getting his social security.
So when they couldn't do it the legal way they tried it the mean way. I was turned into Dept of Human Services twice. The first time was word for word out of my sister in law's mouth and the second time they accused me of taking pills out of his containers(which I found that the nurses that were coming in didn't fill right) before this I was setting up his medication for 15 yrs and they said he eloped from his apartment which he was not under any kind of restriction there. Both times I was unfounded when that didn't work for them they decided to turn me into Social Security for misuse of his funds they said I went on a lavish vacation with his social security. At that time he was in memory care at a nursing home and I was getting him onto Medicaid where you had to spend down his finances. It was all because they couldn't get any money for anything that they did for him like taking him to the doctors or when they had a get together he couldn't buy what they needed. Yes I was unfounded then too. What they did to him was the worst thing they could because now they can't have any of his money and when they do go to the doctors they won't get any money for that either. He can't even buy his own lunch when they take him out of the nursing home. I supplied all of that for him when I was his rep. payee which I am not now I turned everything over to the nursing home let them fight that family.
To this day my husband doesn't know anything of what is going on with his brother. His niece and sister who are the POA's medical don't tell him anything they are keeping that hostage only when they call for something that is needed they will tell him things. I have blocked their phone numbers from my phone and my home phone because they would contact me instead of him. To this day we don't see them because of what they would say and we would get attacked. Yes we do see his brother in the nursing home we bring him snacks and pop but not like before when I did it all. With family like that I don't need the drama or stress they caused us.
When I was a caregiver to my husband I made one thing a priority. Three times a week, 8 - 9 a.m., I attended a fitness class, this is what saved me. I had an hour away from caregiving, an hour to socialize, an hour of physical and mental stimulation. Thanks to this class and working out with wonderful ladies and fitness instructor I kept my sanity. One time my husband complained about my attending these classes, my response: because of these classes I am able to push you in a wheelchair, pick up that wheelchair to place in the truck of the car. He never said another word. Everyone needs time for themself, no guilt, best thing, fresh air and a fitness class. I say in order to take care of someone you must take care of yourself first! Carve out that time, for YOU!
This reprint couldn’t have been more timely for me to read and absorb. I’ve been putting my relationships and friendships on the back burner for two years because of the ever-changing nature of caregiving for my 92yo mother in my home. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of other people in my life.
Thank you for sharing your experience as a caregiver with this forum. I took time from my busy day to read it because the tagline caught my interest - when we become caregivers - friends may disappear. This is SO true and I am feeling - isolated and sometimes resentful that some of my longest friendships have all but disappeared.
I do keep in touch with a small group of card-playing friends that live near-by and we do play once in awhile, which is good because you can't really talk too much!
They ask the typical questions of me about how things are going with my care patient. Of late, I have learned to keep comments -brief - because I know they are being polite - but they really don't want to hear the details. I guess I wouldn't either, if the situation was reversed.
Again, thanks for sharing; it somehow makes me feel a bit better today that I am certainly not alone.
Love reading this - and the comments. I've been better with caregiving for my mom because my brothers (who each live in separate states from me and each other) are stepping up to have my mom stay with them - even if it's only for a few days at a time, it gives me time to decompress.
My friends, however, are in the camp of "you have to bring mom with you" or they are concerned about her - "why didn't you bring your mom?" The friends I thought would be supportive - people I could count on to at least acknowledge that it's a huge change, etc. - aren't. The people who know what I'm going through have disappeared - they've been through it themselves, and they want no part of it until after my mom is no longer with me. The ones who did their caregiving from afar (or their elder was independent until they passed) are similarly clueless.
I don't want to kvetch all the time - no one likes that, for one thing, and for another, it's counterproductive for me. I would, however, like to have an actual life that is separate from my mother - she goes out and has social appointments that don't include me; I would like to have the same without EVERYONE insisting on including my mother.
I saved this quote years ago. It seems very appropriate for this topic of disappearing friends: "God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them." I have no motivation to chase after people who show no interest in asking how I am and if I need help, because they care, not just to be polite.
ADDled I love your comment and I got it! I think you are spot on with this as it seems that way for me too and now being a caretaker is first priority while I can focus on what I need to do and not cater to others when I have so much on my plate. I appreciate what you said here and totally agree. Blessings to you.
This issue ends up being more of a challenge than we realize. Of course, we have little time to give it much thought except to feel abandoned by people we've supported over the years in other ways. It helps to remember that it is difficult for a person to render support for something they don't understand...up to a point. And we CAN wear people out with the tedious details of our lives if we don't balance it with other topics. However, I'm finding that a situation like this also demonstrates who our real friends are. They don't have to identify to say I'm sorry you're having a tough time, how can I help, just like a person would if they'd always been married and a friend is going through a divorce. Instead, I'm finding those very same people who can't be bothered to even attempt to show concern or support are the very ones that still expect to call and be able to pour out their problems to me. So some of the distancing that begins to happen when we enter the caregiving role, is perhaps better for us than we initially realize. I certainly have cut down my stress level substantially because I no longer feel obligated to "be there" for people who are only interested in a one-way relationship. And unfortunately this condition obviously existed before I started caregiving. Yet the caregiving is what has forced me to look at my values and priorities and begin making changing--just to be able to endure. So it's a gift, but it just doesn't feel like it when you're going through it.
@Bonny I tried to incorporate a family meeting with my three brothers years ago on this and no one would do it. They were all afraid that would make Dad mad. Well guess what they still can't so I will be the one to call a meeting and if they get an attitude I will gently say that is fine but Dad has four children and not one! If they persist to argue with me in the state I am in sick and all I will walk away from them and they can live with it. I see the writing on the wall now but I have to do this and I am prepared to hear them out as I have plenty to say to them without getting into any shouting match. End of. They can get a place and take care of Dad for 2 years and then come back and talk to me about it. Only then will they ever know why their sister cries and is sick all the time. That is the excuse they don't come here because I am in tears..oh well then they need to see why it has been eating me up for two years watching my father dwindle away and they come and they go but will never know the impact it has on my heart and soul. Writing this is good and makes me want to cry now. I have not cried as much lately because I got the strength to endure (hopefully) what needs to be done and they can all say or think what they wish of me. We are a very close family, always have been and I can see where this may change the dynamics after all is said and done. I will cry and get over that one too. No one validates me but ME. No one can effect me UNLESS I let them and I have left it happen for too, too many years. Phewy that was a long one:) God Bless Bonny!
That's okay - I'm the sole caregiver too and I get burned out. My family members are utterly useless and they have been "put out" by me, who needs their BS?
@Bonny I am at that point too and will be meeting with my siblings here shortly to discuss what needs to be discussed and no one will put anything on me as they need to step up to the plate now or they won't have a sister for I will end up being sicker than the one I am caring for. When the time comes, the time comes and no one will ever know the toll it takes on you. I told my family I will do Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve but I will not do Christmas at my house this year. I have did it for 19 years it is high time someone else does it. If they get angry so be it. I don't feel guilty I have did everything for my family! Everything! Sorry I needed to vent that too since Thanksgiving is in a few days and I am too exhausted to even smile, let alone have to deal with it all. You are so right you can only vent to others that have walked in our shoes. Until they do it constantly they have no say of how you do it or how you should feel either...Lord only knows. thanks for letting me comment here again today. Blessings to all of you who care-take.
No one is ever prepared for this, ever. You don't know what to do or how it's going to be until you are in that position, like raising kids or getting married or any other walk of life. You learn as you go along. And you can only vent to others who are in the same boat or you sound terrible. But at least we all have stepped up to it, shame on those who dumped it on others and got on with their lives. All I can say is shame on them over and over.
This article was right on point for me today! My husband asked me just this weekend what I would "do" when Mom is gone. I work full-time in addition to taking care of Mom in our home. My health is starting to suffer and he worries so much about me. It's not just friends, but family scatter too. Now the holidays are here and I'm doing things differently this year. Usually, I host a big meal for 15 + people so I can get them to come and see Grandma. I cook and clean for days, they show up for their present and meal and leave before the table is cleared. Last year, my Mom didn't even know who was there as she is almost completely blind and very hard of hearing. People have to sit right next to her and work harder to communicate with her in a roomful of people. Many who showed up weren't even able to make that effort. I end up feeling used, resentful and burnt out before New Year's. And I don't like myself like that and it certainly does my immediate family no good. This year, my husband, daughter, Mom (who lives with us) and I will be going OUT to dinner Christmas Day.
Your comments are always so helpful. What works for me is using the computer daily to keep in touch with friends. I am fortunate that our friends have been so supportive. My husband is the patient in a nursing home. His friends and mine are constantly offering their help and going to visit. I send updates about my husband by computer and remember to thank God daily for all their loving support. Learn to be assertive. When you talk or write to friends thank them for being in touch and let them know that you couldn't go through this without their love and support. Sending a hug! Corinne
Mitzi thank you so much. Just today as I was praying this morning I had so much anxiety and I know what God is telling me to do now. I just know the holidays are coming up and I will have to tend to everything as I always have. Noting this though - since my back surgery in Sept I have not felt good at all and this is way overboard for me as well. So I need to really sit down with my parent again and have that heart to heart talk and as hard as it is for me to do I know it is something I must. My health is taking a beaten from all of this and where is my family?? Never come here now.. they can't take it how do they think I feel after doing it by myself for two years inbetween surgeries and my own illnesses. I hate to keep saying that but it is truth. I am at burnout stage now and I have Hospice coming in but it is not enough. I will speak to the nurse and social worker this week. thank you for being so supportive. Blessings to you all here.
That's right, people have no clue when they don't have to deal with caregiving. I had a narcissistic mother that you'd have to read my posts to understand it all, but the one thing I can honestly say that in the midst of it all, even with having to put both my parents in assisted living (I'm an only child), is that I gave my best and did everything possible. I will never regret it.
That's what we have to be confident with in the end and if we are not taking time for ourselves, it may be a regret that we will have to deal with. The tools given in this article are great. I hope others find help in this and learn that it is extremely important to take care of yourself otherwise you may not be around to provide for your loved one(s).
Thank you Mitzi I know because I took care of my grandmother many years ago when no one else could do that either but regardless if it is thankless or thankful when a person gets to their breaking point and it is affecting their own well being is when you have to speak up. I love my parents more than anyone else does but I am not immortal. Neither am I a nurse, counselor or pharmacist. You would have to know that not everyone's situation is the same that is for sure and if I could write all that was going on I would take up a few pages:) At this junction in my life I need to do what is right for my parent more than what is right for me. He has had fall after fall and it is worrisome each time that he could really hurt himself. All the medications they have him on is not good for this as well. I think I have been grieving already these past two years as I have watched the decline. I am sorry to hear about your parents and yes it is hard to let them go as no one wants to see any of their loved ones leave this earthly realm. My saving grace will be someday that my father is not suffering in pain anymore and he will rest in Gods Kingdom. Thank you for the comments. Blessings
Crystal, its never thankless. God will give you your just reward for taking care of his and your loved ones. Just remember to take care of yourself now that you have these great suggestions.
For me I'm working on the "after they're gone, now what" feelings. That's a whole other story.
Wow this is a great article and one I wish I found a while back. I was wondering why my so called friends do not return my calls or come by to see me. And that goes for the rest of the family members too. I will keep your tips in mind and want to thank you for the great inspirational article. I am a caretaker with my own disabilities and I can tell you I am so exhausted from it that I finally am speaking up and out on it. No one will ever know the toll it takes on someone until they have walked in your shoes. God bless all caretakers and the people they tend to 24/7. I am getting to think lately it is a thankless job but one that someone has to do.
It is a good article, but the one thing I found with caregiving is that I was kind of thrown into it not by choice, but very quick events happening to accelerate my life in a direction I was far from prepared for. I am an only child. The burden basically fell to my husband and I. It was rough, so I had no time to prepare how to do things.
To be honest, if anyone were to try and tell me how to take care of myself, I really would not believe them because I felt I was doing just fine. I especially would not take advice from people who had never had to handle my situation.
So sometimes I don't think we are really prepared. Now if we know its coming, I think its good to have an "escape" plan in place. It is desperately needed because this is consuming emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
My parents are now gone within this last year and now it is about rediscovering life no longer revolves around them. Now its time to re-engage the world around me and that has also been quite the challenge.
Good article. I try to maintain some relationships with people. Hard since I moved across country to mom's house and left friends behind. I had lived where I'm living now 30 yrs ago and I have hooked up with a few old high school buds through Facebook but remember I was the one who went away for 30 yrs while they stayed here, got married had kids and built a life so I still feel like an outsider. My friends AND BOYFRIEND that I left behind to come here obviously I hardly see. Thank God for the computer. I was able to get out more when mom was more mobile and did not require home care for anything more than an hour (errands, walk). Friends do treat you like caregiving is contagious sometimes and look at you like they're drowning in peanut butter if I reveal too much about my 'days". I try not to vent to peopel who havent' caregived too much anymore. Still it's hard for friends to make plans when plans involve days on my end of making sure home care is lined up. (Who wants to ask someone 10 days in advance to go to a movie when the movie might not even be there?) I have no siblings or relatives to call as this article suggests. Doing the best I can as long as I can until more skilled nursing care is needed.
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When We Become Caregivers, Friends May Disappear
When they got that they wanted to know how much money he had, they kept asking me because I was his rep. payee for social security by way of his doctor who signed the paperwork and I was his rep payee for 3 yrs before they tried to take over that. They went to a doctor to get him prove incompetent which the doctor would not sign the paperwork. They tried to get POA financial but that wouldn't have worked for getting his social security.
So when they couldn't do it the legal way they tried it the mean way. I was turned into Dept of Human Services twice. The first time was word for word out of my sister in law's mouth and the second time they accused me of taking pills out of his containers(which I found that the nurses that were coming in didn't fill right) before this I was setting up his medication for 15 yrs and they said he eloped from his apartment which he was not under any kind of restriction there. Both times I was unfounded when that didn't work for them they decided to turn me into Social Security for misuse of his funds they said I went on a lavish vacation with his social security. At that time he was in memory care at a nursing home and I was getting him onto Medicaid where you had to spend down his finances. It was all because they couldn't get any money for anything that they did for him like taking him to the doctors or when they had a get together he couldn't buy what they needed. Yes I was unfounded then too. What they did to him was the worst thing they could because now they can't have any of his money and when they do go to the doctors they won't get any money for that either. He can't even buy his own lunch when they take him out of the nursing home. I supplied all of that for him when I was his rep. payee which I am not now I turned everything over to the nursing home let them fight that family.
To this day my husband doesn't know anything of what is going on with his brother. His niece and sister who are the POA's medical don't tell him anything they are keeping that hostage only when they call for something that is needed they will tell him things. I have blocked their phone numbers from my phone and my home phone because they would contact me instead of him. To this day we don't see them because of what they would say and we would get attacked. Yes we do see his brother in the nursing home we bring him snacks and pop but not like before when I did it all. With family like that I don't need the drama or stress they caused us.
I do keep in touch with a small group of card-playing friends that live near-by and we do play once in awhile, which is good because you can't really talk too much!
They ask the typical questions of me about how things are going with my care patient. Of late, I have learned to keep comments -brief - because I know they are being polite - but they really don't want to hear the details. I guess I wouldn't either, if the situation was reversed.
Again, thanks for sharing; it somehow makes me feel a bit better today that I am certainly not alone.
My friends, however, are in the camp of "you have to bring mom with you" or they are concerned about her - "why didn't you bring your mom?" The friends I thought would be supportive - people I could count on to at least acknowledge that it's a huge change, etc. - aren't. The people who know what I'm going through have disappeared - they've been through it themselves, and they want no part of it until after my mom is no longer with me. The ones who did their caregiving from afar (or their elder was independent until they passed) are similarly clueless.
I don't want to kvetch all the time - no one likes that, for one thing, and for another, it's counterproductive for me. I would, however, like to have an actual life that is separate from my mother - she goes out and has social appointments that don't include me; I would like to have the same without EVERYONE insisting on including my mother.
I have no motivation to chase after people who show no interest in asking how I am and if I need help, because they care, not just to be polite.
Learn to be assertive. When you talk or write to friends thank them for being in touch and let them know that you couldn't go through this without their love and support. Sending a hug! Corinne
That's what we have to be confident with in the end and if we are not taking time for ourselves, it may be a regret that we will have to deal with. The tools given in this article are great. I hope others find help in this and learn that it is extremely important to take care of yourself otherwise you may not be around to provide for your loved one(s).
God bless each of you!
For me I'm working on the "after they're gone, now what" feelings. That's a whole other story.
To be honest, if anyone were to try and tell me how to take care of myself, I really would not believe them because I felt I was doing just fine. I especially would not take advice from people who had never had to handle my situation.
So sometimes I don't think we are really prepared. Now if we know its coming, I think its good to have an "escape" plan in place. It is desperately needed because this is consuming emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
My parents are now gone within this last year and now it is about rediscovering life no longer revolves around them. Now its time to re-engage the world around me and that has also been quite the challenge.