any time i make a judgment or opinion my Mom asks if I have my period.
she forgets i am meopausal and do not get it anymore.
being a female in a Muslim family always provoked sexist comments like that.
it will be nice to not hear that anymore when her generation is gone.

Feeling like having mistakingly "hit the self-destruct button" is the closest metaphor I found to describe how I feel, so thank you for this.

Menopause is coming onto me like a train: I' ve always been a very healthy person, now all my blood tests - including the one for diabetes and for the heart - are screwed up, I feel like a wreck, mentally and phisically, and I have a new "illness" every 2 weeks... Infected glands, gum inflammation, headaches, pain all over the body... I really admire you ladies who survived cancer while in the middle of all this... I'm scared enough with just what I feel, and feel utterly overwhelmed by this combination of feeling terrible plus the number of responsabilities that seem to increase by the day...The saddest thing for me is that people take all this for granted, or downplay the huge impact that this is having on me and I bet on many women... even my doctor, she told me "I was looking too much inward". WTH?

I feel bad, and not myself anymore. I really miss the old me. I understand it's a process we have to go through, but why? It feels like we are built in a very faulty way, I really can't wrap my mind around this.
I'm just at the beginning of it and I don't know where to turn.

KatManZu, good question, are women born caregivers? I look at how I was raised and my answer would be no for myself. I was a tomboy, no Barbie or Chatty Cathy in my toy collection. I remember once having a baby doll that if you gave it water it would wet... oh how exciting... NOT.

Growing up I would follow Mom around watching what she was doing and found it so boring.... so I would follow Dad around and what he was doing around the house was much more interesting, thus Dad had me helping him by showing me how to fix things... how to bait a hook for fishing.... how to hand wash the car.... how to mow the lawn.... how to pick up bugs and not go screaming into the night.

It would be interesting to hear from other women who were tomboys growing up to see if this is common.

freqflyer: It is amazing how our parents don't seem to think of us as seniors. We will always be younger, youthful, vibrant, children in their minds. And they will suck us dry if we allow it! I must admit, for me, the reverse is also true too. I will always see my mom as my MOM. She should take care of me! She should be interested in my healing, and pain from cancer. Nope. According to her, she is in more pain than me, there is nothing that can be done for her arthritis-my cancer is curable, she has no support groups-my cancer has support groups.

In reality is, she is dying faster than I am. She is 80 I am 57. In the next 4 years she will age faster, be hospitalized, have infections or flare ups, I have to accept that, while I try to figure out how to make my own life richer. Part of our problem, is us.
If any of my mom's 3 sons were to take her in her life would be very different. They love her, but she'd be an after thought as they'd have to provide for their families and pursue their own hobbies. And she would be happy to allow them their aging processes, she would probably be happy to battle her demons in order to tend to her son's needs. She won't live with them, it's easier to rely on me.
I saw an elderly woman in the grocery store and it was obvious her son drove her there. He was following her around with his hands in his pockets, looking bewildered. If he was a she, she'd have been wheeling mom around, picking things off the shelves, planning her meals, and clipping her coupons. Why?
Women, are we born caretakers, should we be happy for this privilege?

KatManZu, I am still trying to find my new normal after having the same cancer, too. What fun, menopause twice, just what every woman wants :P Was also forced out of a job which I had for almost 25 years.... and what's up with this extra belly weight? I look like those before drawings on ads for weight lost!!

I believed I got my cancer due to stress of trying to care for my parents while still working full-time, as there were no other markers. Drive them here, drive them there, each time adding to my panic attacks which started with the anti-hormone pills I needed to take to keep the cancer away.

Thank goodness my parents were still under their own roof and me under mine. I didn't have the energy to be their full-time caregivers. Aging is hard, both for my parents and for me. My parents kept forgetting I was a senior with my own age decline, I wasn't 35 any more, I was pushing 70.

I, too, wanted to keep my parents happy but there wasn't anyone around to keep me happy :(

Me too, unfortunately. Mom's been with us- hubby and me for 2 years. During which I've gone thru chemotherapy induced menopause, and have no control over my hormonal depression/anger/irritability...well you know. Hubby is going thru normal male menopause too resulting in less ability to be intimate, causing resentment in addition to mom's intrusion, where I also feel my home is no longer my home/sanctuary. My counselor is sympathetic and her advice is to get help with mom, such as an aide, and a driver to take her places. I've found them to be expensive and not very useful to me because they have to be supervised. I've been guilty of trying to make these the "best" years for mom, but it isn't possible. She's in pain, she's in & out of the hospitals, she's a very frail 80 and is, despite my best efforts, slowly dying and taking my life with her. The best advice in this article, which I'm going to try, is to think of menopause and mom's aging as a process that cannot be fixed. I agree, and will make that my mantra--"don't keep trying to fix that which you cannot fix". Folks keep telling me to come to grips with the "new" me. That has been the hardest thing to do, I've been trying for 3 years to get all my issues "fixed" and get back to the normal person I was, instead of that which I've become. A person who is a breast cancer survivor-still in pain, menopausal, forced out of my job after 27 years due to recent cancer treatment leaving me with chemo brain, sudden 25 lb belly weight gain, crippled-both physically and mentally, and a reluctant caregiver! I believe I got breast cancer in part to my mom chain smoking during her pregnancy with me, all thru my entire childhood, becoming my burden in adulthood, AND my doctors who provided me with hormone birth control pills for 34 years of marriage. Now I'm on my own, needing to find answers, and "fix" me. It ain't possible.

I am 52, just ended a bad relationship, menopausal nearly with still some periods. My 83-year old mother has dementia and is driving me crazy! She has OCD too, which is also maddening. I just called for an application for Section 8 housing, which frankly, might be an improvement. It is sad to feel this way, but I don't want to lose my mind any further. Any suggestions? Thank you.

I feel as though this article was for me! I am the caretaker for my 79 yr old mother. It is extremely stressful while going through Menopause. I am so grateful for Jesus in my life without him I could not do this. I have heard about the need for more Magnesium, but I am unfamiliar with l"living Clay".

I think this was written for me also! Being the sole caregiver for my 91 year old Mum, I find myself getting increasingly short on patience. She is jealous of the relationship my husband and I have...her marriage was not happy. I have to listen to her constantly being critical of my husband. Dealing with menopause, hot flashes, sleep loss , job stress etc. I feel like the person I was is all used up and gone. My Mum unknowingly creates so much tension in my home with her sarcastic comments, it's making me loose patience with my best friend....my husband. I try to set ground rules with her but we go over the same things every day and she still "runs the show." My home doesn't even feel like mine anymore.
Don't have a clue about what to do.............

This was perfect timing for me as well. I am primary caregiver for my 94-year-old mother, who lives with us. In addition I'm experiencing the joy of menopause and all its various symptoms, and dealing with the stress of being recently laid off from my job. That part may have actuallly been a blessing in disguise, because Mom's needs are increasing daily, and if I were working outside the home I'm not sure how I'd cope - but on the other hand, being with her 24/7 is taking its toll, and I find myself with less patience than I need. I'll definitely speak to my doctor at my appointment later this month. Maybe I just need some coping mechanisms to crush through the stress.

Thought you were writing this for me! To add to the mix, one parent suddenly became ill of and passed in a matter of wks. , and the other parent was diagnosed with dementia and suddenly its up to me to take care of everything. To add to this therewad relative who causes alot of problems which required hiring a attorney and if that wasn't enough I had to seek employement after 14 1/2 yrs. in the middle of of all this and yes I have going thru menopause before during and after.