Thank you for this article today! So timely! It totally resonates with me and my current caregiving state of mind. After reading this it has made me stop and think about where I fall in the "trap". Thank you!

Excellent article. I've also read in posts that caregivers feel it's their responsibility to keep their loved one entertained. This is another manifestation of wanting to "fix" their perceived boredom. Relax. Let them watch TV, listen to music and sit on the porch and watch the world go by.

Thank you! My mother always seems to think I'm the only one who can fix it because I am the only one who does. However, I am a case of caregiver burnout. Hoping these tips will help me.

This describes me perfectly. But what makes it worse is beginning to realize there is no fix when you and your wife are still in your 60's, and seeing her "being unable to manage daily tasks" stage on the horizon, suddenly the question- 'is this all that's left in life' start appearing. And you look around at all the plans you both had for early retirement begin to vanish one day at a time.
I struggle with the fine line of 'letting go", to finding her on the floor with another gash in her head.
After 4 years it began by bringing us closer, then 'fix it' trying to avoid falls brought on her resentment in this article. At the same time by doing everything for her I'm expediting the "being unable to do daily tasks" phase.
Thanks for the article.
Thanks

Thank you for this excellent article. It all make such good sense now.

I lived this - but am grateful I did as it brought understanding.

Excellent article, and so timely even for my own non-caregiver situation right now (but slightly related: my 97 year old landlady has gone into Hospice; upon her death I will have to move because her children intend to immediately sell the house, so, 'indirectly' pertinent, no? yes! I can't 'fix' this, make it anything other than what it is, and respond, even tho it is certainly anxiety-provoking and can easily make me Reactive instead; whew, what an, again, timely article!) This concept applies to so much in our lives and hopefully we caregiving forum participants will be able to refer to it often for sensible guidance/grounding...thank you!

Great article with an interesting (and so true) perspective on a Fix It mentality. It's hard to let go but really it's best for everyone to love and let be.

Haha, I realize I've been in fixit mode for a while. Good article. Really puts everything in proper perspective.

Thank you for this! I’m already seeing a ‘fix-it’ mentality in myself - I love to find the answer to a problem.

There’s no answer to age and decline. Making sure Mom is safe, loved and cared for is what I’ll do. Not making her home perfect or nagging her about lack of exercise & a better diet won’t be.

Thank you for the article that helped me figure out things I was doing and need to fix in myself, such as learning how to step back and stop working so hard on making sure nurses did everything right and just be her advocate handling matters differently.

Noticed many of the comments on here were 5 years old or more, but also see that the article, which I thought was excellent, was just recently updated.  And every single word of it is true.  It's taken me almost 5 years to learn to let go; to do your best; to lower your personal expectations of making your loved one feel happy or well all the time (do you feel happy or well all the time?).  I have watched my 95 year old mother decline markedly over the past several years, especially the last 2.  She has been in Assisted Living for the last 5 years, Memory Care since November 2017.  I'm the only child who lives nearby.  I was not prepared for how difficult this would be - for her and for me.  But I've learned a  lot about accepting what is going on while doing what one must to - ensure your loved one is safe, getting good care, acting as his/her voice and advocate - and then, let it be.

I have been off this site for some time now as I finally broke down, was hospitalized and told to get out of my mothers house now, or tell my daughter goodbye because i was going to die of heart attack or stroke. That scared me enough to pack up and leave. They now pay for an in home caregiver....the money I was supposed to be "saving" as their inheritance.

My health is not good, I live with panic and anxiety that lasts 24/7 and am being medicated to try and get control of it. If I had a crystal ball and knew this was going to be the outcome I would have gotten out a lot sooner.

We cannot fix everything and as i just found out from one sibling I am living with, not everyone WANTS everything fixed, they have found comfort and solace in living the way they do. Hoarders enjoy their possessions no matter how bad it gets. So we have to reset our minds sometimes that everyone does not see the world through our eyes, so quit killing yourself to fix every problem.

Ive only neen.here few mths ams already feel the pain siblings who.complain about me. Im.responsible for.her.care.which for.short.time was bathing to. But.meds and oxygen supplies. Buying food.she.will eat. Picking up.meds.ans.finding.more.often.then.not pharmacy.has.wrong. she.on.lots of.pain.meds. house.is pretty much.a.hoarders house. But.i try.cleaning.she.has.things.done a certain way.and i.have to.comply.or.take.the dogging from her or.siblings. i already.had.nervous.breakdown from job working sixteen hrs aday.for.years. and now.im i.guess.emotio.al when.others.wont be. Ive been a pleaser all my life and tryn to deal with.im doing all i can.doctor appts twice week.labs.and mris.and.the.list.goes on.many telling.me.to.do.more.by.making comments. What.have to. Do but.sit.they work. Im so.sick.of.that. so do.i.with.mom.and.its.twenty.four.seven. senilaty maybe.but.she.is.used.to getting.her.way.and.working.one.child agaonst.other

This fix-it mentality is so true. It dawned on me, just as I was going over the edge, that this is exactly what I was doing. Mom is in a nursing home and I was even trying to fix what I was anticipating would happen when I left. I was trying to fix what was going on in the nursing home even when I wasn't there. How crazy is that. I can't fix mom, how will I fix the behavior of nineteen other dementia residents. I am much better now. I try not to think about mom and the nursing home antics when I am not there. It has freed me mentally and emotionally and I can go about my own life on my days off.

I listen to medical intuitive Carolyn Myss on her audio book "Entering the Castle" based on the teaching of Teresa of Avila. In her 6th mansion she discusses the caregiver and one of the things she talks about is the need of the caregiver for external approval in service to others. She also talks about in her audio CDs on Archetypes about the healer and the wounded healer.

LivingSouth: My sister either stays at her school playing around on her computer or she talks to other staff members, or she goes shopping, gets her hair done, you name it and she does it. She stays gone because she does not want to be here in the house having to deal with Mom. SHE IS THE ONE WHO WANTED TO BE A NURSE, NOT ME!!! SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER CALLING, NOT ME!

As far as smacking her, OH NO! She called APS on me and filed a FALSE report telling them I had beat her up and caused bruises on her arms, when I had done nothing to her. The entire thing was a lie. She forgot my 16 year old niece was sitting right there and was my witness that I had not done what she accused me of! IT WAS A COMPLETE LIE! YET she still says it is true, even though my niece and I both tell her it NEVER HAPPENED!!!! So....NO SMACKING!!! NO TOUCHING!!!

HolyCow what is your sister doing all that time she's out? If she doesn't want to be there and is working, then she should pay for a sitter so you can have some time off. No wonder you are upset - anyone would be. I get disability too, but that is no excuse to treat someone like a slave. Start charging for doing her laundry at least. I would feel like slapping her silly!

The article is good but I cannot relate to the "I'm enough" state of mind. First of all I don't really understand what that even means, I think it is the wording more so than the point the writer was trying to get across.

Basically I agree with everything written at the beginning of the article but the last part was off somehow.

I was thrown into caregiving and this is the 4th person in my family I have cared for and it has lasted 17 years! I am ready to be out of this!!! I am exhausted and burned out. I am on disability and I was the one not working so it became my responsibility to care for everyone until they died all with no pay and barely a thank you! That does hurt because I took on caring for my Mom because she was like my best friend. I never dreamed she would turn into someone I no longer know and sometimes don't really care for. I am run down and belittled and yelled and screamed at, called a liar, told to pack my stuff and get out and much much more.

Both siblings work but one lives with us. Neither has time to come and help, or clean, or wash clothes, or cook dinner. The one who lives here stays gone after work for about 4 hours so she does not have to be here. When I try to leave on the weekend for some free time, I am drilled...where are you going?...When will you be home?.... Can you bring home groceries or dinner? She cannot handle what I am expected to handle every single day! Then she pulls the big guns out and tells me I CAN NOT LONGER LEAVE THE HOUSE ON THE WEEKENDS WITHOUT HER PERMISSION! Oh really, I am not paid a penny to sit here and care for OUR MOTHER ALL DAY EVERY DAY AND YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME I CAN NO LONGER LEAVE THE HOUSE? REALLY? #@%%^$%&* OFF!

I love my mother and I will remember her, but I am ready to be out of this journey! I have given up my life and my daughters life, because I have been wrapped up in caring for every sick family member and I have missed my one and only child's life! I hate this, my daughter is graduating from college and will soon be gone and I never got to enjoy her! I want to scream and cry, I want MY LIFE BACK!!!

This was sooo amazing to read! I just got done at the hospital with our grandmother who was completely combative and ---well you all know how that is---and I realized that I NEVER REALIZED I was not going to fix this. But I have been trying SO hard that I have lost myself. This article has given me a great gift...some clarity within ---*grateful*

GOOD

thank you for this very insightful article. You have hit the nail on the head for me. My father is diabetic and he is VERY angry with me for taking away the crap that he was eating every day and filling his fridge with delicious homemade food. I was trying to fix him, by regulating his blood sugar, but honestly, if someone doesn't want it, it doesn't make any difference in their quality of life if they are pissed off with every bite! I MUST let go.

Wonderful article... as far as it goes...

As caregivers we also need to realize that we are ultimately responsible for our loved ones care. Yes, they do have free will... however... as caregivers we cannot allow them to exercise that free will in a manner that will ultimately injure them. Unfortunately, that will also cause cantankerous behavior. Case in point, my mother broke her hip just over a year ago. This incident advanced her Alzheimer's drastically. She is growing increasingly weak due to inactivity. She refuses to walk except when SHE wants to move around. When she starts to wander (Sundowner's) she doesn't want to use her walker. I insist upon her using this to avoid another disastrous fall. It does not matter how I approach the subject (as a question such as "Wouldn't you rather use this to lean on?"... cajoling, as a request... "Please use your walker."... or sternly... "Mother, you need to use your walker so you don't fall down!" as an order), she becomes belligerent and extremely combative. As her caregiver I am both morally AND legally responsible for her safety. It is fine for people to tell us to just sit back and document everything; however, if our loved one gets hurt because we did not keep them from doing something harmful... they are not the only ones who will pay the price... we will too!

So, in summary, quite often we experience burn-out not because we are trying to "fix" the problem, but because we are trying to anticipate the end results of our loved one's behaviors. It can be quite exhausting and frustrating! I know I cannot fix my mother. I don't want to fix her (don't take that wrong... it would be WONDERFUL if she were fixed, but it just isn't possible).

One of the things I do that helps my mother tremendously is to make her do as much as she is capable of doing. I realize it isn't much, but the more she does for herself, the longer she is able to maintain a semblance of independence. Does she get angry? YES! Do I get angry? YES! These are very real emotions and are all part and parcel of this process. But every once in awhile... I get to catch a glimpse of my mother... even if it's just for a few seconds... and THAT is what makes it all worthwhile.

I have learned a new technique. Breath in "one," Breath in "two," Breath in "three," Breath in "patience, patience, patience!"

That is what I do when I know I am starting to get irritated and I need to remind myself that mom isn't just trying to irritate me on purpose.

Thank you all for this and for sharing your experiences. I am convinced my mother has a personality disorder and now she has dementia. . Her physical situation is great - far better than most. But, I can't make her happy - I never could, but she always made me think I could. I had a bad first marriage and cancer - what little time is left for my lovely current husband and me cannot all be given away to pretend Mom is 50 - which is what she really wants.

This article could not have come at a better time for me. For over a year now I have been on the "fix-it" mode for my emotionally needy, unhappy and complaining mother. It came to a head when her constant complaining caused a major emotional melt down in uncontrollable tears of frustration. This article has saved me from total burn out. I realize now that to stay emotionally heathy, I have to distance myself completely emotionally and occasionally physically from her. So sad that what was once love is now only indifference.

Thanks. I am on a learning curve. She was making the appointments and then telling me.

Suzy, can't you make the appointments according to your schedule? I used to cave to the same stuff but not anymore. I just say it is not a good day or time. That is where the resentment builds. Please give yourself a break to take control of your life. You are a good person for what you do. Hugs

I found this great article about this very thing -see what you think....
http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2917/caretaking-a-covert-form-of-narcissism.html

Managing my time is the thing I have been struggling with. It seems that everytime I think I am going to have an evening to get some of my own stuff taken care of, a doctor's appointment gets made or something else comes up. My tasks get put off over and over.

Think about it. From the beginning of time women are the nurturers and men are the gatherers. That is why we carry and bear children. That is why men went out to find food and provide for their families. It is in our DNA to care for those in need. The thing is that women try to a fault to always make everything okay and when they cannot, they freak! I am guilty of that but learned that I can only do so much and I have to allow nature take its course. We cannot turn back clock, as much as we want to and go back to the time when they were young and healthy and their children were just starting their lives on their own. I hate seeing my parents fade right before my eyes but you have to come to terms that we can only do so much. We are not super heroes so don't even believe you are even close. You are entitled to your own life and own time. Learn to manage your days and make sure you take time to enjoy life. I had to learn that the hard way. I am so much better now. You will be too. Sit down and make a schedule for yourself. My parents are in an ALF but still needed to manage my time. Good luck. Hugs to all.