On update on my post from a year ago.... my Mom had passed late last year and two weeks later Dad announced he was ready to sell his 3 story house and move to senior living. We toured a place called Sunrise.... as soon as Dad walked into the main lobby and looked around, he asked "where do I sign up?".

Dad has been there almost 6 months now, and he said "too bad your Mom wouldn't wanted to live here, she would probably would still be alive today if she did"..... my Mom had a serious fall in their own home, and she passed three months later. Mom at 97 was determine to show the world that at 97 she would still do all the housework, laundry, and meals without any help.... [sigh]

I was hoping my Dad would join in with the social activities but he is happy sitting in his recliner watching the local 24-hour news. He does have a regular caregiver who comes in 6 mornings a week, who he really enjoys having around. Dad was so spoiled by Mom that he would be lost without someone doing things for him. That man cannot make himself a sandwich :P

Aww. 'Bob's Place' sounds like a fairy tale - 'and they lived happily ever after.' If only REAL life was like a bittersweet Lifetime Movie for Women, with happy tremulous smiles and a sniffle at that heartwarming ending.

Invisible, I thought the same as you, but being around others like themselves, from the same era has really changed my mom into a social butterfly.
My mom is in a small facility, so all of the caregivers are familiar with all of the residents and cant do enough to help if the situation arises.

For many years we have had mom at her home with an aid. I always felt that was the best thing for her, to be in familiar surroundings as her dementia progressed. Although expensive and not 24 hours per day, I knew we needed to make a change.
I wanted to move her into a facility closer but we chose Brookdale closer to her home for familiarity. I thought that the transition for her, at 90 with dementia would be tough.
We made the move quickly, bought all new furniture ( sold her condo the same week that we made arrangements). She loved her new furniture, bedding, but we brought her chair she lived daily in, sometimes sleeping in it all night causing swollen ankles.
She transitioned immediately. She is having the time of her life enjoying all of the activities and I found out the other day that she tried to play canasta and did pretty well for someone with dementia.

While I realize we should have done this awhile ago, I also realize that there is a right time to make the transition. My mom seems to have flourished in this environment, loves a daily routine filled with activities and enjoys doing daily tasks on her own that used to be done by her aid. Her favorite is the entertainment, brings back lots of memories.
I have noticed that taking her away from her environment for doctor visits, or even for a hair appointment causes anxiety, so I will begin to use more of the services provided.
I can assure you all that guilt will be quickly forgotten if you do find the right environment for your loved one.

I think Mom would have done better than Dad, too. He was so dependent on her and now on me. But, while I also weigh the social isolation of him living with me vs all the activities in an AL facility, I think Dad wants to live with family because of the comfortableness of family life - the ability to wander into the next room and ask someone to help you button up your shirt cuffs, having someone there to say goodnight to, having someone make sure there is milk in the refrigerator. I think this is much more valuable to him at this point.

Freqflyer, the irony for us is that Mom had pretty much planned how her life as a widow would be--sell the house, move to a nearby senior community, keep on with her volunteer work. Dad had never considered he might be the survivor, so he's just floundering....

Good positive article.... makes me want to move in, myself, to get away from it all :)

I probably could coax my Dad to move to a continuing card facility if Mom passes on before he does. My Dad likes being around people and has a ton of stories to tell. He's not a picky eater and would like something new and different to eat. Now, if it is the other way around, I wouldn't be able to budge Mom out of their house.

Agilitees, the care manager at the place we're looking at said most new residents gain 10-20 pounds the first year they live there.

Anonymous, the place that I'm hoping to move Dad into has studios for $3100 to $3900 per month (1-bedroom apts are $4500-5k), plus a one-time $1200 admission fee. That covers restaurant-style meals & unlimited snacks, housekeeping, med management, lots of activities, transport to doctors, & basic supervision of care. There are packages of extra services from $200 to $600 for those needing more--dressing, grooming, wound care, etc. They can deal with many things that would otherwise require nursing home placement. The atmosphere is very much like a nice hotel.

This facility is private pay only, which thankfully Dad is able to afford even though his main protest is it costs too much. Like Pam in the story he has been living with me the last few months, which suits him fine. He is so caught up in his own misery that he can't seem to see the huge costs this arrangement has put on me and my partner. And although he is like Bob in the story and expresses little interest in social activities, I think the isolation of our farm is hastening his decline.

In stark contrast I visited a place in the next town over that fulfills every bad stereotype of "homes". Their fee was only $600 less, with none of the amenities and limited services. Couldn't get out of there fast enough!!!

I enjoyed reading this article, and wish our experience had been more like this. Unfortunately, reality can be much harsher. This is the ideal dream scenario of how the transition to assisted living SHOULD be --- from our experience, it rarely works out this smoothly.

We are also in the process of looking at AL facilities. I was glad the author described how the father/daughter took their time and visited several times until the place was very familiar. I do think that is key if you can be proactive. I'm weighing being proactive with waiting until necessary and this article is helpful.

I dreaded moving my mom with AD into an apartment in the Assisted Living Memory Care unit at Whitney Place in Westboro, MA. Because of that, we went through nearly all her money in five years hiring caregivers through an agency to keep her in her fancy condo on Boston's waterfront. As her condition worsened, she became more isolated and depressed, but we kept her there because of her little dog. A year ago, the dog died, but we still didn't consider assisted living until it became clear that she would soon run out of funds due to the enormous cost of the in-home caregivers. (Moving in with my family was never an option). In April, all the arrangements were finally completed, and I approached moving day with dread and guilt.

To my total surprise, my mom LOVED Whitney Place immediately. She walked into her new apartment--already furnished with many familiar items from her condo--and shed tears of joy, because she said it was "so beautiful". She has since adjusted beautifully, and often tells me how much she "loves it here"--even though she can't remember what "here" is.

One of mom's caregivers' biggest challenges when she was living in the Boston condo was getting her to eat. Every mouthful was a battle, and maintaining her weight was a constant worry.. After five months in Assisted Living, she is literally getting FAT! (Apparently this is because sitting with "friends" and watching them eat becomes "contagious", so they eat too.)

Since we have now sold the condo, we can use that money to keep mom at a place she loves (which costs less than half what she was paying in Boston) for as long as they will allow her to stay. Would she have been willing to move to an AL facility five years ago when she was first diagnosed? No way! But now that the dog is gone and the disease has progressed to a point where she has virtually no short-term memory, Whitney Place is perfect for her needs. Wish we had done it six months earlier!

Dear 2 much - I am learning as I go along, but from what I've found out is that cost varies widely depending on the facility. We have got prices anywhere from 3000 per month to nearly 8000. Emeritus was very reasonable (3500 per month for a shared room plus an initial 2700 one time move in fee). Each facility has financial services available to explain the different options for funding this type of care. Check the websites or call them to get in touch with a financial counselor. There are quite a few options, but it is best to speak directly to someone who can best direct you based on your personal situation.

Could you post a ballpark figure regarding costs for these types of facilities and what non private pay funding they accept?

The article says that Pam visits "several times" a week.....that may be too much and could wear her out after a time....Caregivers, we need to take care of ourselves too....that way, we'll be healthy enough to care lovingly and adequately for our elders.

It is amazing that this article was sent today as I am meeting with the admissions counselor from Emeritus Oak Lawn this evening. I am filled with Caregiver guilt at this very moment and I can relate to everything that Pam is feeling. This article has eased my mind some and I do know deep down that moving mom to Emeritus is the right thing to do. Thank you!