My Mom is finally moving in her own apartment after living with me for two years. During the first year of us living together, she wanted to contribute towards the household expenses, but I told her let's play it by ear because she was only receiving a Social Security check, so the amount that she contributed each month varied from $200-$280 and she had her own bedroom and bathroom. The rent on the apartment is $1,600.00 a month, combine that with water, trash pick-up, cable, internet and electric and I was paying well over 90% of the household expenses which put a strain on my finances, but it's your parent and you want to help. Well for the last year, I told her not to pay anything (thinking once again that I was helping), because I felt it was time that she started saving her money so that she could afford her place to which she happily agreed. She finally found a place for $400.00 a month on a program. Well a week before the move, I truly found out how ungrateful she has been with me trying to help. She voiced her thoughts and clearly stated that I am not doing anything special and this is something everyone does regarding helping a family member. I found this very disheartened that all this time what I was doing in the way of trying to help her was not a big deal to her after all. I had a friend tell me a long time ago that it would be better to help your parent with a bill or two if they are living on their own but struggling financially than to move them into your space because it may mess with your peace of mind. I understand very well what she meant now. I am sharing this to say, peace of mind is priceless and if peace of mind, boundaries and privacy means a lot to you, you may want to think of other ways you can assist them with their situation. Moving them in with you can be tricky.

I moved in with my adult son a few months ago. I thought it would be great... maybe save some money, do a little traveling, enjoy retirement, but I'm changing in ways I don't like. It's nothing my son is doing; like most adult children they have all the answers Lol... they go on with their lives just as we did when we were younger. But since moving, I feel tied down, unmotivated, loss of my get-up-and-go. Is it age? I've always loved getting out of doors and exploring, but haven't done that since moving to the middle of no-where. It would be difficult to move out now because 1) I'm not working, and 2) I don't wont to leave my son in a financial bind since I help with the bills. To all those debating whether to move in with an adult child or family member please consider carefully. Know that it can be a difficult adjustment, and even more difficult to move out, especially for us independent older adults. I love my son very much and am thankful that he allowed me to move in with him. But I liked it much better when I had my own place, and would make those day trips to visit for a day or two. We seem to appreciate others more when we're not around them everyday. Be careful what you wish for... the grass is certainly not always greener on the other side :).

Yes. I regret moving in with my adult children. We have been in the same house for about 2 months and I would give anything if we had not done this. My daughter has changed so much in who she is since she lived with me. I have issues with the way the children's step-father treats them. Even though I have a large bedroom and bathroom to myself I still feel claustrophobic. I feel like an intruder in the home I spent all my savings to purchase. I can take care of myself mostly but I need help with some things. It is very difficult to have to ask every time I need something. I think it would be easier if it were a "nurse or caregiver" who came on a regular schedule. But if I did that I could not have kept my pets with me. Anyone considering a move like this must examine all the side very carefully before they make this decision. Leaving your home and taking either option has its own set of problems to deal with. I wish I had thought about it more.

Not if you are not wanted. The mental abuse hurts your heart. I have lived with my adult daughter on several different occasions and when it benefits her it's better but now I have no where to go not so good

Hi Justahippy66, I do hope that you can find a place soon. It's not fair to you to have to feel like you are in the way. Most people, as they age, would like a calmer atmosphere. These days, even a lot of younger people would. But you've earned it. Try every avenue you can to find housing. If you go on aging.gov and find your state you'll see a lot of links. Maybe something will stand out as one more place to check. Take care, Carol

I moved in with my daughter at her request. The problem is her boyfriend who now also lives here. We must live by his rules not exception. I am 66 and have put application in for HUD 55 and older apts. but have not heard anything yet. I can not take the conflict I seem to be causing. "If your mother this or it your mother that" I wanted my retirement to be more calm and I can not find a shelter for older/homeless (which I'm not_) women only men. I hate staying where I am not wanted and not many people want a 66 year old roommate. I feel so stuck, and depressed.

With today's elders living much longer then decades ago, we all will run into some type of situation regarding their care. My parents were in their mid-to-late 90's and still living on their own... and I was living under my own roof. My job was to be their wheels since they stopped driving.

My parent never needed to take care of their own parents as their siblings and their immediate families were doing all the work. So they had no clue what issues I was dealing with them making decisions to remain at their own home.

Now, if my Dad would had passed before my Mom I knew it would cause a very difficult situation as Mom wouldn't like living alone being in her late 90's.... she had already refused caregivers and cleaning crews.... [sign]. Guess I would have needed to move in with her, but I was already in my late 60's so that wouldn't have worked out very well. How would Mom pick "me" up if I fell? Senior living would have been out of the question.... nope, nada, never.

I hated to say this, but I was relieved that Mom had passed first, as my Dad was real easy going, and he was more than happy to have caregivers. Then he decided his house was too large, so he was more than happy to move into senior living. He said he wished he would have done it ages ago as he was now around people closer to his age, and he loved all the attention. Plus the meals there were great :)

Unfortunately toscabs, it seems like children grow up to resent parents for many issues of their childhood, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. You are showing them what respect and love of family is. This is getting lost as generations go on and the mindset of "me and my happiness comes first" becomes more and more prevalent. Hang in there, respect your father's right to privacy but let him know he is welcome to join in anytime he wants. It can be a long, bumpy road full of potholes, but you will never regret it and your children will eventually respect and admire you for your love and kindness.

I lived with my parents for 4 years. I had to move into my own place because I just couldn't deal with them on a constant basis. Now I travel to see them every other day.

I'm so sorry that you've got this tough situation. Eventually, your husband will likely regret that he ruined his marriage by letting his mother be the center of his life, but it may be too late to make things between you work again. While some families, especially those with plenty of privacy for everyone, make this work beautifully, it's not an arrangement for everyone or even most people.If there is still a way that you can leave for a few weeks - and not let your husband guilt you back - maybe a separation might get the message through to your husband. Otherwise, it sounds as if you don't have much choice but to put up with things as they are for now. Spending more time with your dad at the AL facility at least gives you a change. Do try to take care of yourself somehow.
Carol

My mother-inlaw moved in with us 3 yrs, It has been the worse thing for me. My husband is super fine with it to the point he has replaced me with his mother. We have no privacy, she is in our living room from 7:00am until 9:00pm. He became every defense if i tried to talk to him about it. He has a brother but won,t help and give us a brake, but my husband don,t want that. Moved out for about 6 wèeks, but he was just concerned i made his mother feel bad. Finally moved back home but nothing has changed. The other thing i also help care for my dad which lives in assisted living. Somedays i just want to run away. The hardest part is not being able to talk to him about how i feel. Some my advice having you elder parent live with you is not health for you or them. Assisted living gives you space and when you see each other there is not the tension and you can enjoy each other.

oldman2, I'm glad that the article gives you hope. You and your daughter are going into this with your eyes open and being proactive so that tensions don't ruin what could be a good situation. Very smart! Best wishes to your whole family.
Carol

Just moved in with daughter and son-in-law. My daughter and I both feel the need of something such as (separate) support groups that address the tensions that inevitably arise. This article gives me hope of finding help that deals with our concerns.

jonigirl, since your mother has limited assets, I'd start looking into Medicaid and see what they can do. Her assets would have to be spent down but if she qualified (with her health) for a nursing home, Medicaid will cover what her assets don't. Look into this before things get even worse.

Please update us on how you're doing.
Carol

my mother is perfectly happy living in my house letting me and my husband do everything for her. She has NO initiative to take care of her own life what so ever ( I take that back she DOES when it comes to her medicine and her drs but that's ALL ). Worst mistake I EVER made was moving her in. It has ruined our relationship ( I Love her but I don't like her at all) and has pretty much ruined our whole life. THINK A MILLION TIMES BEFORE MOVING IN A PARENT..........especially if they were horrible parents......

good article. I recently took in my 89 year old mother, and it is a disaster. she doesn't have enough money for a nursing home, so I am stuck and very bitter.

russkm, we are in a similar spot. Not quite guilt, more a feeling of obligation since he asked the night Mom died. It's not going well, and I actually found this site in the process of searching for alternative options.

You're right, Carla, we can't generalize on how a person views the elderly because of their relationship with their parents. That's a good point, but even someone with a generally positive view can find it hard to have a parent in the same home. The same is with the parents. Many don't want to be dependent on their children.

Individuals need to be considered as such - each case is different.
Thanks everyone for the comments!
Carol

My mother would never want to live in anybody else's home - she is too controlling and wants her own space. She would like one of us (me, that is) to live with her. I tried it for a year or so but I really hated it. She wanted everything done for her and was very intrusive, constantly asking me what I was doing, where I was going, what I was cooking/eating, etc. I'm accustomed to living alone too and being under her nose and under her thumb drove me nuts! One advantage of being in her home (rather than her being in my home) was that I could move out, which I did. I do think that having her in my house would be easier in certain ways, except that I know she'd expect to be treated like a guest and would want to be waited on hand and foot like she did when she visited in my home years ago.

I don't think you can generalize about how people in our culture view the elderly based on how we get along with our own parents. Honestly, there are many elderly people I'd be happy to live with and even take care of - just not my mother. My relationship with her is too strained, contentious and difficult, mainly because the fact that she has such an overblown sense of entitlement and control when it comes to me. The reason she wants no one but me to live with her is the very reason why I won't. I'm sure I'm not alone and that many adult children find the adult child/elderly parent relationship extremely difficult to navigate.

My husband brought his mother into our home 7 years ago because she could not afford to live on her own when her husband died. She ended going into bankruptcy. Her other children have nothing to do with her, neither do her grandchildren. She is a demanding woman and the world revolves around her! My husband is retiring from full time teaching and will substitute for the next two years. We then want to retire together and do the things we have planned. However, I cannot see this happening as long as his mom is with us. She is now 81 and needs my husband more and more to run her here there and everywhere. I feel extremely selfish and resentful of having our retirement together robbed because we will have to take care of her. There seems no way out of this situation.
Think very carefully before taking a parent into your home. You are not dealing with the here and now. You are dealing with the future - your future.

I came across this concept of NextGen Homes or Home in Home. Why not consider that as an alternative? This home not only provides privacy to the adults and their parents but also keeps them closer. No caregiver costs or nursing homes - you get to save in this economy, can keep the parents with you and also have them independent. Thoughts?

let me follow this article. Will write later

The orange isn't an orange to spite the apple, it just exists as it is. There shouldn't be a context surrounding its existence, constantly positing why the orange is less than the apple for not being the same color.

I see a lot of people doing this in the comment section but it's faulty logic to use the standards set by other cultures you aren't part of, to guilt yourself into making a decision. What people do in a culture halfway around the globe has nothing to do with what I should do, because their government might offer different incentives, might offer tax breaks, medical care might not cost as much, gender roles could play an important part on caregiver availability, theres too many independent variables to be able to use how THEY treat their elderly as a standard for how you are going to treat your mother.

Personally-- my mom uses this one a lot and its not fair to anybody. She's not even in a situation where this kind of caregiving is required (she's unemployed, 53, no health problems whatsoever other than a bad back, etc) and she uses this logic of "Well in Mexico, they do thisandthis". Well we ARENT in Mexico, and if we WERE, we'd be in a completely different set up. I wouldn't be RENTING an apartment, I'd OWN the house that neither one of us ever moved out of, so the discussion wouldn't even be on the table. If apples to oranges were appropriate, I'd use it here. But it's not even a clear cut distinction between two separate fruits. It's like using the color of an apple to explain why an orange is an orange. It just IS an orange, the apple has nothing to do with it. Even if it grew up in another culture where apples looked like oranges, the orange is still a damn orange.

Some situations of parents living with their adult children are very good. Before you decide to embark on this route, frustration can result when a number of things begin to surface. If your parents are living with you because they wish the companionship, when a strain develops, an option is to place them in a care home that does not have a monthly fee

Great article. Wish I had read it 9 months ago though. I am stuck in a situation right now that is unbearable for both sides.

If one is realistic and looks at their parents that are in nursing homes, you will find that most children and family rarely visit their parents in the nursing home. Nursing homes are a way to dispose of our parents so we can go on with our lives.

Believe I know and have seen how forgotten those parents are. My mom was extremely afraid of nursing homes and I was the only child that said she did not have to worry because I would care for her. Even now as I care for my mom as her health fails and the Alzheimer's is moving through its stages, my siblings have bailed on my mom. My mom isn't even in a nursing home and they still do not have regular contact with her.

For the record my mom was a nice lady and didn't have a mean bone in her body. So my mom doesn't deserve the treatment by her 3 other daughters.

Personally, today more children are selfish and want their own lives. If we were to study other cultures and countries we might learn something from them. There are countries that do not even have nursing homes except for those with no family members.

For some cultures family means everything and it should! Caregiving is the hardest job I have ever done. I have been a manager over hundreds of employees and big budgets, but this is the hardest task I have ever done. Yet as tired as I am and depressing as it can be, the rewards are worth.

Fact is when my mom has passed, I will know that I did the right thing and I won't have regrets about how my mom's last days were. I knew about my promise to my mom and worked my career to where I can work from home while caring for her. So for me, I planned and I do. It is not perfect, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I know other caregivers that have not even been a part of sites like this that would agree with me. Myself and my friends were 24/7 caregivers we were not part of your statistics, but we would do it again.

Sorry to say, I am strongly opposed to nursing homes and always will be. My mom's desire was and is not to go to a nursing home. A friend of mine worked for a law firm that went after nursing homes so I know of their mess and abuse. I won't do that to my mother. I realize there are good and bad nursing homes, but the cost is too much.

Only here in the US do we believe that our elderly are disposable, we put them in a home and then visit when it is convenient in our lives.

I know I am the opposite on here, but I feel that my mom deserves far more respect than a home. My mom does not have the ability to live in assisted living because she is unable to walk.

My mom years ago said she didn't want to live in a nursing home and I made the commitment then. I know this is the hardest job I will ever have, but my mom took care of me when I was small and raised me, the least I can do is care for her.

Sorry but this article does not explore cultural differences. If we were to look at other countries, it is automatic that they take care of their elderly in the home.

The fact is one has to decide what is right for them and what they can live with. I know that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I put mom in a home and that is my choice.

Everyone has to make their own choice but one must remember we have to look ourselves in the mirror and we have to live with that decision. Always remember how do you wanted to be treated when you reach your parents age?

I would give everything to have my father move in with me! Unfortunately; we are military living in FL. and he has lived his entire life living in IN. He knows I would take great care of him but he does not want to leave IN. With that said, it breaks my heart, after a week in the hospital and 2 months in rehab he finally is home. He has a caregiver, he had no idea about her till she just showed up this morning. This so called caregiver watched dad make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and eat it...... Her first day on the job and she is already slacking, Dad is Diabetic and has Congestive Heart Failure. So he should be eating meals prepared fresh. Peanut butter has 115 g of sodium per serving----way too much!! But because my fathers family are all crazy, they more than likely did not tell the caregiver about his diet restriction. Because for them, it's all about the money.

i was brought up in a household with a very selfish, needy mother. everything has to be her way (even now) I left at 19 because i couldn't stand it anymore living in that house with her constantly saying "if you don't like it move out".
I briefly had to move back home between houses. one was rented the other wasn't ready yet. she gave me nothing but a hard time. told my father no way, ect (you get the gist of this) I moved in anyway and only stayed as long as i had to.
After I was married and had my son, she never ever babysat for him and the one time she visited, she only held him for maybe five minutes. she has never ever called unless she is desperate.
i now have my own house and all the responsabilities. my fiances mom (who is the most practical, caring, and independent elder that i know of) sold her house and moved into an apartment. they really mistreated the older people, so I suggested that she move in with us. she took the money from her house sale, and paid to have an apartment built in our house. she is a pleasure to have around and cooks, cleans and takes care of herself (she has had cancer, diabetes, heart problems, and a broken hip) she is a pleasure to have around.
Both my parents (both are 89) they still are living in the huge house that they don't need, and really can't afford anymore, but they refuse to leave. a guess who is in total denial and doesn't want to leave? you guessed it mom.
i took them both to the doctors once. he stood there and told them that they needed to get out of that house and go live with one of the daughters. of course mom said no way right in front of me (talk about hurtful!) they refuse to move to assisted living and we have been trying to get them to do so now for over 10 years.
yes my fiances mom is a wonderful person and yes i can live with her and have now for at least the last 8 years. she is a wonderful person and loves to spoil our animals when we aren';t there.
my mother, NO WAY! she is much too selfish and there is no way I could have her live in my house.
there you go. it all depends on the person.