You do Not have to suffer being a caregiver. Place your loved one in a facility for care and Move On with your life.

No one cares about me the caregiver they all have lives. Take care of mom 24/7 no days off no free time it not like there are not 4 other people living here not one can help. Got make dinner and do all the cleaning all the stress laid on my lap. Moms up for 20 hour stints every night and it's all on me cant even make dinner for me and her when we sleep throw it. I have come to hate everyone , I hate my life , and there is no way out .

Help me.

I am not cut out to be a hands on caregiver but there are no alternatives. I do hire an aide three days a week, but it's work and then back to the Mom shift. Her neediness, her doctor's appointments, her Depends, her meals - if not for Mom I wouldn't cook at all. I have no siblings so all of it falls on me. Fortunately her dementia is mild, but there are days I wish i could die. Then i feel guilty for hating caregiving so much. I've yelled at her, and when she can't hear I've screamed into a pillow how I caregiving sucks. We really should have tribes rather than families. No wonder sometimes caregivers die first. No life, unless you count relentless stress. My health is taking a toll. Now I'm on more blood pressure medication than Mom, and I was so healthy before becoming a caregiver. I have no life, no identity.

The worst thing about caretaking, besides the fact I live in an ultra-conservative state that doesn't give a rats behind about what I do,and the nursing home lobby gives the politicians tons of money not to care about what I do, is when you get to a point that you believe the frail, disabled loved one you are doing your best to help guide through the misery, lack of dignity, and general indifference that is so much of the process of aging and dying in America, is turning on you, THAT THEIR DISEASE is a type of assault, that the disease is a way of hurting you that is completely unfair because its cowardly to fight the disabled and the helpless. You hate the disease, the loved one becomes the disease, and then you start to hate them. The enemy that is the disease makes the loved one your worst enemy. I thank providence each and every one of you is alive and you are heroes to me, however much the world shuns and ignores you--but those who dont understand why people take their own lives in such desperate situations, are the same ones who judge the poor, the lonely , the unwanted, and think only a sliver of humanity deserves any respect. Perhaps they are ultimately the ones who are sick and truly without hope of getting better. I wish everyone the best...

My sister is a trouble maker. She takes no role in helping care for my 91 year old father.. He's in the "gray area" in mental ability but listens to everything she says..Which is ALWAYS detrimental towards me..She is ALL about inheritance and he is clueless to her plans..What can I do to stop this?..

I have helped take care of my mom since I was a child, then my dad left us, it it was all on me. She was still somewhat independent and then she let her self get worse. Refused to take care of herself, didn't listen about not going for stuff she can't reach. (she used a walker and fell a few times reaching for stuff, damaged her legs). She had leg swelling with wounds and refused to let anyone take care of it and ended up in the hospital from a bad infection.

Now she cant stand/walk, uses diapers and needs much more care now. I'm only 29, I have no life. I can't afford to bring in someone else for a day or 2. Respite care through the state, it's almost impossible to find anyone to come in on the weekends. The weekends is the only time I could have to go do things with my husband or friends. No adult day care open on weekends, homes that have respite care want up to 7-14 days of stay. No friends or family can watch her, husband can't if i want to hang with friends (he is a germaphobe). I'm always angry now, snapping at people all the time. I started binge eating due to stress and boredom, gained 40+ pounds. I keep thinking about how I can't wait for her to die.

She dreads going into a home and I would feel just as bad and guilty if I put her in one. I don't know what to do anymore, suicide is looking more and more ideal because I feel trapped. At least I won't feel guilt about her being put into a home once I'm dead.

Yes, the resentment. My parents had 25+ years of a wonderful retirement, traveling, dining out, movies, doing anything their heart desired.

Now I am 70 years old, my parents who were in their mid-to-late 90's had passed within the past few months. People say now I can enjoy my retirement.

Yeah right, now I am so exhausted from the past 7 years. Never had a good night sleep. Even though my parents lived under their own roof and me living under mine roof, it was still very overwhelming.

There were times that I wished I could die in my sleep as I was in a "job" I just was not qualified to do. I had no experience with elders. Then came the dementia, and I couldn't wrap my mind around what was going on.

My health took a spiral downward. I am still able to keep up my career but only part-time. I am now on pill therapy and talk therapy to try to rebuild the life I once had.

Untie.... wow, so profound. That's where guilt is... all tied up in not forgiving ourselves for expectations we put on ourselves or others have that were never reasonable. I need to start untying some things. Caregiving to the woman who gave you life is an open door for guilt to pour in and we let it, we feel we must deserve it. In the end our best is all we have to give and our parents were the very ones who said, "live your dreams, get married, have children, do what you love, do things I couldn't!" And just when you are- raising kids, working, maybe working on one of those dreams on the side, being a spouse.... bam! Stop the train and drop life to give to a parent who you find out daily never thought you did well enough in the first place- but you come closest to doing it her way so she ONLY wants you to do it. Guilt. Resentment. Unforgiveness. Tied up. Constricted like a boa constrictor is around your life, tied to years of "sacrifices I made for you" that you thought came without strings, you know out of unconditional parental love. Now you see the strings, like scarred tissue. It has taught me one thing: to put into writing that my children are NOT responsible for my care, that in the event I cannot care for myself to allow a facility to care for me and to show me these documents should I ever try to harm them with my past gifts of love and sacrifice. My kids have lost 6 years of their childhood with me for 85% of my non work energy is given to her. They will have to forgive her also someday.

she was my Best friend and I love her deeply

the "answers" do not fit the scope and depth of the true situation.
I did not post anywhere about my thoughts until she was safe in NH.
You see, it started so insidiously...singing a song about wanting her dead, visualizing pushing her down stairs, walking out of her apartment furious but keeping it all inside- over and over and over.
The 24 hour on-call situation broke me and all I could think of was suicide but i had to take care of her!
Then one day we were at the top of the cement fire stairs. She bent over at the top of them to pick up trash..... all it would have taken is for me to "lose my balance" and bump her. The wash of repressed anger fighting my love for her was palpable. She was in danger- From ME! oh this broke my heart , no one else in the family cared about her....
I had to house her, i could do it no more.

Some people are not meant to be a caregiver. It's a tougher job than many people think.

Nolongerme, you are not alone. Several caregivers get financially and mentally trapped into the role. Some feel there are no other options. Others have no money of their own and are financially dependent on the person they care for. Family and friends desert them, so there they are with this one person. You are not alone in hating and resenting what your husband has done to you. I wish you could rewind the video and kept your job. Hindsight is 20/20. You didn't know how you were going to end up.

You do need to get some counseling aimed at helping you find a way out of the corner you're painted into. Don't give up. Each day is a new opportunity to rebuild a life for yourself. I know you are going to need some serious counseling to help you find your way out of the corner. There are ways out, even if it is just walking away and staying at a shelter. I hope you can find a better way, though.

I understand why this happens. No one really helps you. I have often thought of suicide. I have been my husbands caregiver for 32 years. No one visits anymore. My sons try to help me sometimes. My husband is very demanding and controlling. I quit my job to take care of him so he has all the income but I would be better off homeless than this. He threatens me with abandonment and elder abuse if I leave so I feel trapped. Where I once loved him now all I feel is hate and resentment. I tried psychological counseling which was helping me cope but the Doctor retired and budget cuts have not allowed me to get a replacement. My husband refuses to go into a nursing home. Why don't caregivers have more choices? I used to be a wife now I'm just a slave with no life.

I have thought much about suicide. My mother passed away with Alzheimer's and my father has it now. He is in the Va home, but my work still isn't over. I feel as if this will go on forever or at least go on until I die. I have no siblings or spouse to help me. Yet people expect me to smile, be strong, and have faith in God. I fantasize about dying in car accidents, dying with cancer, or falling down the stairs. I've exhausted my health and my income taking care of my family. I have migraines every week. I don't know what i will do when I run out of funds but I think of suicide every day. That would put an end to the migraines. That would put an end to watching my father die a little bit more each day. That would solve my financial issues too.

The scary thing is - that ALL people going it alone caring for demented parents - especially demented parents who were abusive - will eventually develop major illness because of the stress. It has been medicallly proven time and time again that extreme stress - especially extreme stress - will cause major illness - even death. In my case, my Neurofibromatisis flared up big time - my spinal tumours grew in number and size and became inoperable and I am permanently on a walker. And I personally know of other cases where adult children have either became quadriplegic and/or developed cancer as a result of injuries and stress incurred while caring for the abusive parent. Many of the herniations and disintegration of my dics were caused by being forced to perform duties my neurosurgeon forbad me to do back in 2002 after major laminectomy. And can you imagine a 9 stone woman being forced to be human crutch to a 12 stone lady!

Okay, no one should have to do that.

Please, give me some of your comments on this as this situation that all of us have been in - or are in - or will be in the future - it is a truly terrifying situation that needs addressing by the Governments of the world - maybe the United Nations should step in. If my understanding is correct - forcing adult children - especially disabled adult children - to care for demented abusive parents is a violation of human rights. Do a google search of the United Nations Charter of Human Rights and the United Nations Charter of Children's Rights - might make for some very interesting reading.

ANd as a point of interest - under American Law, from what I understand, it is quite legal to kill in self defence - isn't that why lots of Americans carry guns - well, if a child or adult child is being constantly abused by his/her parents, shoulden't that child, under the law of self defence, be allowed to kil his/her parents in order to save his/her own life and/or to save him/herself from permanent injury?

Again, I am not promoting murder - I'm just throwing something out there and I want your thoughts please.

What if you don't have siblings...

I suffered burnout when I was forced to cope all alone with my mother's dementia - just because I'm a "spastic with multiple disabilities and mental problems".

All the aged care groups here in south Australia refused to give me any support - just because I'm a "spastic".

The stress was horrendous - because of my disabilities, I was struggling to properly care for myself - yet because of my disabilities, I was forced to go it alone with mum's dementia.

As mum and her abuse of me worsened, I felt very suicidal and actually sought out information on how to kill myself with a plastic bag over my head.

At other times, I had uncontrollable fantasies of becoming a mass murderer just so I could go to jail just so I could get the help I so desperately needed.

At other times I had uncontrollable fantasies of me being a serial arsonist just so I could go to jail just so I could get the help I needed.

This is how the stress affected me. Fortunately, mum is now in a nursing home.

No one should be placed under this sort of stress. Our parents had their lives. Their children deserve the same right.

I say put all people with dementia in a nursing home

Excellent article. Glad some people actually realize that --- just as our parents had their lives --- we too have a right to our lives.

I was born with multiple disabilities:-
[1] Neurofibromatisis
[2] Autism
[3] Developmental disability
[4] Tourette Syndrome

--- yet - the family doctor --- and all the other Carer Support Groups in South Australia refused to give me any support with my demented widowed elderly mother --- just because i am severely disabled and lived next door [same block of flats] and therefore had "plenty of time with nothing to do". They all stated that only if i died ---- then and only then would they step in to hospitalise mum and put her in a nursing home. They all stated that because I am disabled, I have no rights whatsoever - just because I am profoundly disabled.

Cwillie and cmagnum. Thank you for your replies. Today is her birthday and we took a Sunday drive. 90 percent of my frustration comes when I would take mom from the bathroom door to the toilet (we live in a 1960s house with narrow preADA doors.) and she refuses to walk and she grabs things. I bought a bedside commode. This should ease A LOT of my frustration.

This is no joke and unfortunately probably the only way to get society to really wake up and realize that more needs to be done to help caregivers as well as find preventative and curing abilities. My fear is that the population will grow to a point that will overwhelm caring facilities and society may just go down the slippery slope of Dr. Kevorkian's philosophy of "life".

Fuddyduddybuddy,

Thanks for being honest about yourself and your situation. You need more help than your husband can give you. Please see a therapist to deal with your rage from childhood before you do something worse to your mother.

While your father and step-father slapping you was wrong and abusive to you as a child, the same can be said about your current slapping of your elderly mom with Alzheimer's whom it sounds is no longer safe in your home.

I hope you will get yourself help before you do anything worse.

Fuddy, you say "I have found myself slapping her... or tempted to do worse". Please recognize that this is abuse and step back. It is not necessary for someone who suffered abuse as a child to do hands on caregiving, there ARE other options. Please, for your own sake, get her out of your home.

Thank you! This is the first article that recognizes what I am thinking.
I was hit and slapped by my father and step-father as a child. Now, I am caring for my mother (who simply yelled) and I have found myself slapping her... or tempted to do worse. I am telling my husband, If mom tears up the newspaper or the Readers Digest, let her. If she tears up the cat or the family Bible, stop her.

Thank you for these wonderful tips. I was a caregiver for 5 years to my mother as she slowly progressed into Alzheimer's disease. Looking back, now, I wish I had listened to the advice of mom's elder attorney and taken more time for myself - to be in good shape for MOM. I go over that part in my part in my book - my stress level, my B/P, my husband's concern for my health, stressed so deeply some days I didn't even want to get out of bed and go to work, hated coming home and facing the never ending phone calls - keeping in mind that mom never remembered the previous 10 she had already made, my husband finally taking the phone off the hook - only to end up with Mom then showing up at our backdoor----and also locking her keys in her car--
Out of my love for her, and protectiveness, I survived and grew strong. I reach deeply inside and the strength was there which had been provided to me by MOM as I grew into adulthood.
Thank you for these very important tips....
Suzette
"Alzheimer's Through My Mother's Eyes"

A woman drove her car to the cliff with her mother in it with the purpose of killing both, which she did. She was a member of this church where nobody knew under how much stress she was. It can happen. It can be prevented.

I really feel for caregivers who go down this path (or only consider it). I looked after my elderly FIL for about six years despite his having two daughters who didn't have to work, which I did so we could pay the mortgage on the house that gave him a home. His daughters did nothing for him except visit him once a week each, always while we were at work. Then seven years ago I landed up taking in his elder daughter after her husband's death, although I didn't consider it was in her interests, never mind ours. And of course I didn't consider she deserved it. I was actually fond of my SIL at one time, but six years of control freak abuse turned my feelings to contempt. Of course, I couldn't express these feelings, if only for my husband's sake. It was her control freak insistence on never doing as she was told that became her undoing. Just over a year ago, aged 91 and told she had to stop going down for the mail (we are rural and this meant she had to cross a 100 k/h road to get to the letterbox) she didn't just go down to the road but started wandering up it. My husband took the car up to her and told her to stay exactly where she was while he turned the car round to pick her up. So what did she do? Stepped off the relative safety of the road surface onto the shoulder (a rough mix of gravel and long grass) and went over on her flip-flops (highly unsuitable footwear for a walk in the city, never mind the country). She bashed her head against a fence post and cracked her upper right arm.

Eventually it was judged she was no longer safe with us and she is now in a retirement village that has full facilities. They have not only stopped her losing weight (which I couldn't do because she used food as a control weapon) but have even put more than 2kg onto her. I read that about 20% of caregivers suffer from depression (I certainly got it; I felt like I had a lump of lead in my chest instead of a heart and I lost all interest in activities that used to give me pleasure) but I wouldn't be surprised if the figure is actually 80%.

The nearest I ever got to abusing my SIL was when she complained about someone putting something on her washing machine (which was in our entrance way along with our chest freezers). She ended up with, "It's disgraceful!" All I said was, "Tell me about it! Whenever I want to open one of the freezers I invariably have to move something, often something heavy." I then marched out. Some minutes later she had a go at her brother, but I can no longer remember the heinous crime being whinged about then.

My goodness, I am so glad I found this post. I knew there are many others in similar situations, but it is lovely to have a safe and supportive place to say what most of us keep to ourselves. Vivian, your words about taking your mother's life and then your own could have been written by me. I am dealing with a mother who has been bipolar nearly my entire life, and has been in the early stages of some sort of dementia for several years now. I am 37 years old. I contemplate suicide and homicide daily due to the stress. I have rheumatoid arthritis and have been assisting my Mother financially since I was 14; she had difficulty holding a job due to her mental illness and friends/family/teachers turned a blind eye to our situation. I have horrendous student loan debt, and also provide her with monthly assistance. I live two hours away from my Mother and can no longer continue to make the trip, but having her live with me is not an option under any circumstances. She does not drive anymore, and that is really causing stress for both of us. I investigated moving her to my city, but that has not turned out to be a viable option either. I can remember when I had hopes, dreams and plans for my life, along with a lot of optimism that I could overcome my childhood. Now, I just get up, go to work, deal with her problems and then go to bed. I don't even feel alive anymore, I no longer interact with anyone outside of work, and that I why part of me wants to end it. I know I need to be on an antidepressant, but I cannot mix AD's with medications I take for pain for my arthritis. Well, that is my story- Thank you all for allowing me to share it and vent. I am sorry that we are all in the same boat in some way, shape, or form. Peace to all of you in your caregiving journeys.

Strange that this article pops up today. It's been on my mind since my therapy yesterday. Therapist couldn't understand how I can come to the past 4 therapies, discuss my very dysfunctional family life and current lack of help from my siblings and NOT show anger, resentment, etc.... She kept asking me how I feel. And I look within me - and tell her that I'm feeling nothing. She didn't believe me and kept asking. I told her over and over that I have no feelings, that I'm blank inside. She was the one who had anger in her voice about how my childhood was and how my siblings are treating me.

She kept pushing. She said that I must have anger inside for all this. Finally,I admitted to her that it was last year when it all came to a head. All my anger, bitterness and resentment. I told her that I had violent thoughts towards my parents - how I was going to kill them - how I was going to kill me. And I told her that the only reason I didn't kill us was because I didn't think I would be able to successfully kill myself. I didn't want to spend my life in prison for failing to kill myself. I told her that in November of last year, my suicidal thoughts finally were gone.

After yesterday's therapy, I've been thinking back of my life leading up to the violent thoughts and suicide. I've been going down memory lane. And this article pops up.

Great article...and not at all surprising. I am an only child and all the pressure/stress was on me to care for my mom, who I never had a good relationship with. It surprises me still that somehow, someway, I didn't snap. How I managed to hold onto my sanity, and just survive it all without hurting/offing my mom or myself remains, and will always remain, a mystery. The only answer I have is that I just kept talking to God...