Leaving a career to care for a parent is one thing, but what about leaving a career to care for a spouse who's same age?
Everything you mentioned about caring for a parent applies, only multiply times ten. What I'm struggling with is no end in sight with the constant cloud of- is this all there is, till the end? Went from a job traveling the world to cooking, cleaning and mopping up urine every day.
I find resources available for helping in this situation are extremely limited.
(0)
Report

You paint a very bleak picture and it fits my life perfectly.
(0)
Report

I’m also glad to read this article because I’m 44 living with my parents and it’s tough with the pandemic going on and I was unemployed since 2016 which was due to a back injury i come back healed by 2018 then boom the pandemic hits my mom gets stressed and back to back 2020 and 2021 she has two strokes which now i have no choice but to help her plus the fact my dad has had his own health issues being stroke and heart attack in the past put me at a major disadvantage. The main problems my mom has is diabetes which is up and down which is ruining her vision and she is going through memory loss so I’m not sure if she will fully recover from rehabilitation of physical and occupational therapy. So the next step maybe will be to hire a caregiver using her retirement money that way I can try to get back to living my life again. I’d love to work from home and be able to have a life savings and more 401 k for sure. As a caregiver it’s a draining and burn out at times. If any advice is out there for me I sure would love to read some cause this country for too long has neglected elderly care and left the rest of us family members to pick up the pieces. I guess the only thing is a plus is she will be turning 65 in July and will be able to get Medicare which could help some and ease the burden this pandemic has caused. We all end up staying home with family trying to take care of them while having only little time to ourselves and watching our personal lives suffer! I’d pray that she either get the blood sugar under control through a dietitian and her vision heals or sadly if she continues to lose her vision I must get a care taker to come to the house to help her, She has retirement funds but no savings so it’s gonna get tough but all I can do is try and help the best I can but I want much more in terms of help if anyone has any ideas or suggestions please chime in thanks cutlass and I’m single no kids but would love to have a future someday!
(0)
Report

My mom just couldn't handle Assisted Living, so there wasn't much choice in the situation. I figured she stayed home with me when I was younger, so now it was my turn, albeit involving an unexpected turn of events. I never thought my mom would get Alzheimer's, or that I'd be her caregiver. I had to remind myself that she didn't expect either of those situations either. Of course, as others have noted, every situation is different.
(1)
Report

I'm on leave, not going back to the workforce. I'm 56. I have a bit of an online business, so I have some income. My family agreed to pay me instead of a stranger also. I didn't fancy working so much, and had planned on leaving in a few years. However, suddenly leaving has been strange. I'm used to dressing nicely (which I still do) and keeping a schedule. The loss of freedom to pop out to meet friends for a drink is difficult to get used to. I love my mother dearly, and value this time with her. I'm slightly concerned about missing out on paying into Social Security for a bit, and I'll have some crap health care through county. Other than that, I'm ok with it.
(3)
Report

I spent a year caring for my terminally ill father and have been deemed unemployable. I have years of experience in an "in demand" field and I can't find a job. In the last year I have sent out resumes and applied to approximately 75+ positions/companies and have netted 4 interviews and no job. Employers view the act of dropping out of the workforce to care for a loved one as a character defect. If you make the decision to do this, keep in mind that you may never work again.
(2)
Report

As someone who did just that for two years unpaid and then another two at a lot less than I make now OH HECK NO.
(2)
Report

I am a 42 years old female. I work online and I live at home and take care of my aging 84 & 88 year old parents. They are not on Medicaid but they are living on their social security. Is there any monetary compensation for me in this situation in California.
(0)
Report

My situation is really crazy. My parents own a store. My dad died 6 years ago. I've been running the store since then. So my mother comes to work with me. She has dementia but still lives in her own home. She is 84 in a few days. I only have her with me in the mornings then we lunch and she stays home for the afternoon. I'm running 2 houses, a business and a husband haha! I'm starting to talk out loud to myself lol! You should always keep your job. It may be your only saving grace.
(2)
Report

I appreciate this article, as it confirmed all my worries. I left a great career, at age 54, to be with my Mom during her last couple months. She made me promise to stay with my Dad. He has dementia, can't pay bills, take care of the house, think logically... however, I feel I'm in prison. He won't let me talk without interrupting, doesn't care about my needs to get out for an hour or two (he comes looking for me, even though I tell him where I'm going, and when I'll be home). He shouldn't be driving, but he does and I don't have control over that. My understanding is that a care facility is not covered by medicare, so I have no choice.
(6)
Report

Hi, my name is Cheryl. I care for both my father and mother-in-law in my husband and my home.
Dad is 89 Mom is 82.
It's a 24/7 job and we ask for nothing in return.
My daughter was paying me a nice wage to watch my beautiful (toddler) grandbabies that helped to supplement my husbands retirement. But dad took a turn for the worse and when he came home from the hospital it was impossible to continue with my grandkids.
My daughter told me she believes there is a program that may pay a small fee to care for my parents. Could someone tell me if this is true.? Thanks, Cheryl
(0)
Report

I quit my job four yrs ago to take care of my elderly parents. It has been a financial struggle. Is there any monetary assistance given to caregivers? I'm struggling with having to re-enter the workforce AND figure out how to continue to be their sole caregiver. Any advice?
(0)
Report

Never,never give up your job!! No good deed goes unpunished!! Ever! Voice of experience is why I am talking.
(7)
Report

I had a typo below- my sister is seeking my mothers input for all $$$ decisions ( don't know how taking her internet came from that but didn't spell check)
Sorry
(0)
Report

I wish I had read this a month ago. My mother had a stroke 3 weeks ago. My sister has a very well paying job but lives 2000 miles away and I had only started a new job 4 weeks before the stroke. I'm the unlucky one who lives close to my mom. In a nutshell my sister and I stayed at my mum's bedside 24/seven until we knew she was going to pull through but now she will never live alone again it appears. She's in rehab for another 2-3 weeks. My sister said if I quit my job she would pay me to take care of my mother and help me with my sons college which I have been paying for the last three years. I quit my job to take care of 5 indoor cats while my mother rehabs and now my mom and sister have reneged on helping me, even though they both can afford to do so. To hire me as a nurse would cost $50/ hr but they can't pay me $500 week for 24 hr care agreed to get me any relief. My sister is taking my mothers Internet for every financial decision. So I am seeking a job 200 plus miles away and will just let the chips fall. I have had kids at home from age 18-52 and am now 53. I'm gonna let my sister make the decisions as she has POA. They have never respected me or what I do for a living because my sister works with famous people ( more important). I can't stand either one of them and resent that my life is so unimportant. Or that they're willing to throw my son under the bus because I don't want him to have $50k in college loans like I did.

Unless you have several million dollars in the bank, don't quit your job or give up your life because someone did not prepare for old age. I know I sound terrible but if you knew how demanding and negative my mother was you would tell me to live my life as far away from her as I could get.
(5)
Report

You are a nice person to think about putting your mother ahead of your personal needs. But, your mother needs professional care. Also, your relationship with her will be richer if you see her on occasion instead of all the time.
(3)
Report

Caregiver90.... You are quite young and hopefully will not need to make this decision for years. I would spend some time reading all the responses to this article. Many caregivers are in their prime working years, have young children, established careers, etc. You do not say if you have children, husband, career, etc. I actually believe your comment was rather immature and idealistic. These are heart-wrenching decisions that are made based on many different situations.
(6)
Report

Yes, I'm 25 years old and I would just give up my apartment and move in with my parents and help take care of them. I'll start an in-home business which will benefit both myself and my parents. I'll probably end up making more anyways and I get to be there for the beloved parents who cared for me. Family is always first!
(1)
Report

Excellent article. I wish I had thought things out more before Ieft my job. My parents were married for over 60 years and we've always lived in the same town. After three and a half years of trying to help my dad beat cancer, cancer finally won. Watching him decline and losing him took quite a toll on me. I managed to continue my full-time teaching career but toward the end I had to take a lot of time off on my own dime. Taking time off and trying to find substitutes was grueling and not having any sick leave left was very costly. It also did not bode well with work due to many, many factors. After he died I thought that I would be able to work and check on mom during my off hours. I could not afford to quit. The long and short of it, my mom went into full-blown dementia and became very passive about taking care of herself. It was me that became the adult. I tried going by as often as possible. She was not eating very well or taking her meds. I considered hiring in home help but I had the thought that if she was coming down with alzheimers, that I should take time off and spend it with her while she was still cognizant. So I quit. I could have done family leave to hold onto to my position but would have received no pay as I had no sick time left. I thought I could get by with my miniscule retirement for a while anyway. I feel like I never got to grieve for my dad before I had to start taking care of my mom. She was very passive and depressed about life. I thought it would get better but it did not. What finally improved the situation was when she moved into a nice facility down the street. In her state of mind she thinks she's at the country club and they do treat them very nice. She's safe and has a nurse handle her meds as well as additional care. Most of all she likes being around the other "old people." At this rate her money will run out in 6-7 years. Meanwhile my very early retirement is miniscule and barely covers my bills yet alone emergencies. I wish I'd had some financial advice before I quit. Or somebody that cared. Even though she's in a care facility, I still feel like she needs me quite a lot. Meanwhile I am trying to figure out what my next move is career wise. I feel like I've lost contact with the world. I'm not sure I want to go back to the job I had before or even if I should. Being around and responsible for someone with dementia is mentally draining. I miss the outside world. I miss a paycheck. I don't have the money to do things. I need to figure out a way to save for my own future and a safe retirement. I need to make sure that I am not a burden on my kids. Stepping out of the workforce was not the best answer for me. My mom's health is excellent except for her dementia, meanwhile my stress levels became so high that I feel like I'm fighting off premature aging. I don't think she would have wanted me to sacrifice my health and wealth for her, but it's too late now. I'm the only kid that is willing or able to help. However, I should have considered myself and my own family's future. My parents were lucky to have a small nest egg. I have nothing. Absolutely zero. I'm starting over, from scratch. My advice, don't put yourself last. Planning the rise of the Phoenix is not an easy task.
(7)
Report

Too many times I have read on the forums here where a grown child has used up all of their own savings, dipped into their 401(k), to help care for their parent.

Too bad we don't have a time machine to see ahead in our life, so that we can make better plans now for helping our parents. With no savings, the grown child continues the cycle where their children [if any] will be caring for them, thus depleting their own savings, etc.

Issues can also develop with parents who have money for those rainy days... it could be storming out there and they would refuse to open up that vault. Even then, my parents were so frugal it was a tug of war trying to get them to dust off the wallet to help themselves. Oh that money is my inheritance.... oh how sweet.... I could use it to go into Assisted Living for myself right away :P
(2)
Report

I am glad to have stumbled upon this article and the comments. I didn't quit my job to take care of my mom, but I did take a demotion to move back to my hometown to be closer. I had a great management job, but an 8 hour drive from mom and no flexibility to take time when I needed to. Between the stress of my job, the stress of panicked calls from my mom about this and that (relatively minor stuff), and other things, when a position came up in the office local to my mom I took it. It's been over 4 years now, and I've gone from "being on the fast track" to being on the road to nowhere, career-wise, but at least I still have a job. My brother lives with my mom, and I'm grateful to him because he does a lot of the shopping, etc. but he has a handicap and is not always able to take care of things, either. He also works full time. My mom has NO money. Her only income is SS and she still has a mortgage on her house. She never saved a dime for retirement, and even though my brother does contribute monetarily to the household, it's still not enough. So I pay for a lot of house repairs, occasional groceries, etc. I also take my mom to her doctor appointments (thank goodness I have a lot of vacation time in my job, and a relatively understanding boss), and days like yesterday when I get a call saying "I fell, and though I'm not hurt, I can't get up." I had to run over there to help her and it turned into an all-afternoon thing. She weighs about 250, and one of these days I'm probably going to throw my back out.... The problem is, of course, that she doesn't want to go into an assisted living facility, and even if she did, there's little money to pay for it, and my brother would then lose HIS home... and probably end up staying with me, which would be a disaster. I have it a lot better than most people, I think, in similar positions, but worse in other ways. I don't have a spouse OR children, there's no inheritance and if I were to quit my job, there would be no payment for caregiving. I have recently been exploring county services available and found out there's a program for light housekeeping, and my mom qualifies. (I told her a long time ago I would NOT clean her house--because 1) it's basically cleaning up after my brother, which pi@@es me off, and 2) I hate doing it and 3) it's NEVER done to suit her, and I just don't feel liking having that fight. ). I've been paying for a housekeeper, but now I'll divert those funds into getting the lawn taken care of. I love my mom, but I admit that sometimes I'm very resentful of the fact that she planned so poorly financially and blew through every spare dime that ever came her way in her younger years (oh, the stories I could tell....). She has NO friends, hates the neighbors, and despite having a lot of health problems is overall fairly healthy. At 79, she'll probably live at least another 10 years. In the meantime, my boyfriend lives 10 hours away, has elderly parent issues of his own, and we get to see each other about 4 times a year. Bottom line--don't quit your job to take care of a parent. If there's money, then pay someone to help you. If there's no money, then avail yourself of services that your tax dollars are paying for. Most of us have to provide for our own retirement, and trust me, even if you're not a full time caregiver, you're probably still giving up a lot of your personal time and personal goals and desires to be a part-time caregiver to your parent.
(9)
Report

This popped up on my news feed this morning and I had to go back to remember what I had commented on....whether to leave my job, etc. to care for Mama. I said then Yes, that I absolutely was glad I had done so, and now...fast forwarding a year and a half later, and having lost my precious Mama just before this past Christmas....I will say again...I absolutely would do it all over again.

It is a very personal decision I know....and one that should not be taken or made lightly...but in the most amazing kind of way, by giving up my previous life and just handing it all over to God and taking it one day at a time, what I have found in caring for Mama could never be bought with early funds....and again, by putting God first, I did put Mama first, because He always made a way...always...through some of the most difficult times of her life, my life, He always made a way..brought her through some very fragile situations, gave us both time together to mend any little fences, even helped me find my way back to my brother......and I am so thankful for all of that...

So now I am making my way through all the tears, the worries, the uncertainty of my future, but when I remember Who is in control and then remembering all the times things could have gone south so fast....and I found my faith again...and yes, I would do it all over again.

I miss her so much, the past four years have been some of the most physically demanding of my life, I am emotionally and physically worn down...but I am thankful and I am not worried about my future...because though it is very uncertain in my eyes....it is all totally handled with God...and it's going to be ok....

I am often told I have a very Pollyanna "ish" way of looking at life...but believe me my life has not been easy...ever...and caregiving was the hardest, loneliest and yet the most rewarding time of my life....and as time goes on the wounds are healing and I am going to be stronger for all of it...

Today is the first Valentine's Day without being able to do something fun for Mama...I went yesterday and changed the Christmas flowers and put on some huge bouquets of multicolored pinks for Mama and Daddy and while I know they are not there ..it is somewhat of a touchstone for me to go and just spend a little time...and remember...

I bought a beautiful care for her and will be going today to read it...Yes, I have my own way of dealing with my grief but it does help me...and I got a little sidetracked so I'll bring it to a close now...but by helping Mama helped me find myself again...for that I am forever thankful.....
(3)
Report

Wendylou I appreciate your perspective but I'm afraid I have a different perspective. In my own case my mother comes first. Jesus Christ comes second. I'm sorry if that is offensive to some here but that is how I feel about things.
(0)
Report

Hope22!!! You have been the only one that have mentioned God. If only people were to walk by faith and not by site. God is in control of every situation. We have to live day by day...We're here on this earth temporary, God said it was not going to be an easy road.We have to cast our cares on Him. When you love Jesus and tried to walk like Him, He will never leave you nor forsake you. Everybody else is just so worry about what tomorrow will bring, not knowing if we're going to be here tomorrow. Robbing ourselves from enjoying and doing the best we can the day we have present. When we're busy caring for our love ones, or doing anything for anybody else, God is working on your problem..Trust in Jesus if you have not done it yet....God Bless!
(4)
Report

Another thing to think about beside quitting work, are you able to be a caregiver?

Not everyone is cut out to do this type of work.... no different then not being a brain surgeon, an astronaut, a firefighter, a long haul driver, etc. That in itself is the reason I let the professional Caregivers take care of my Dad, it is not their first rodeo and they know what to do in just about any situation.
(4)
Report

My ex husband's mother and father divorced for the SECOND time when she got cancer, for the THIRD time. Shortly afterwards, FIL passed away at 67 from a heart attack and MIL, left with about $45,000 and no insurance, went to live with one of the three siblings. The daughter and her husband moved out of their master bedroom and upstairs into a room that barely could hold a bunk bed because mom needed a hospital bed and access to the bathroom. The prognosis was no longer than six months; she lasted two years with such superb care. By the time she was ill enough to pass away, their ten year old son was acting out, slashing tires on their neighbor's car, and super gluing the coffee pot to the countertop. Of course they sought a therapist who said, inevitably, that the sister was not paying enough attention to her son and the household was in chaos. They could have found her a comfortable place to live with Medicaid, but wanted to stretch her $45,000 as much as possible, thinking she was not going to last very long and also to make her comfortable. It was a mistake that almost tore up a family and got a kid into trouble because of neglect. So, no. I am not in favor.
(4)
Report

I would say that if you are fully prepared for your retirement, free of family commitments such as kids and a spouse, and you are willing and able to give up your entire life, then ok, yes, you should. If you on the other hand, will be putting your kids' futures in jeopardy by requiring the same of them because you have not saved enough to take care of yourself financially when you reach the same point, then no, you should not. Parents are supposed to take care of their children, not the other way around. We are called to love them and act in their best interest and respect them, but we are not required to give up raising our kids, caring for our health and neglecting our marriages and financial wellbeing to take care of them because they did not have the foresight to do this for themselves.
(5)
Report

Here are some things to think about if one is trying to decide whether to quit work to care for an aging parent.... on average if a working person quits work he/she will lose over the years between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary over those years... it also includes the net worth loss of the health insurance coverage.... loss of money being put into Social Security/Medicare..... loss of other benefits, if offered by your company, such as matching 401(k).... profit sharing.... workman's comp insurance.... company sponsored life insurance.... vacation pay, sick pay.... tuition assistance, etc. [source: in part Reuters 5/30/12]
(4)
Report

Add on...No Good deed goes unpunished.
(1)
Report

I have posted here before. I joined this group too late to save myself.... That being said my answer is NO NO NO & NO under any circumstance should you give up any job. You give up future Social Security, Pension and self esteem thinking you are doing the right thing for your parents who end up hating you in the end. So please listen to the message and not the messenger. I may sound like a bad person put I am sorry for all I gave up for my parents. Bottom line....don't do it listen to. Dustys Mom.
(5)
Report

1 2 3 4 5
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter