I am beside myself and both relieved. I now see whati suffered was complete, worried and overworked(round the clock care for invalid Dad(grateful to do it and would do it again to save him from money hungry sharks (sisters-only 1 drove to dr. Appt. Because i have ms(optic neuritis) and cant see, and grocery shopped....i had to run whole house on tip of cooking and cleaning, and caring for my Fathers every need( to me, an honor)....no help, no support, sisters evil doings, like wishing a stroke on me...Dad called on me for a reason, i did not as ccept $, my love is free, he gave us Everything and got in this state working HARD to do so-giving all to his family. He and i are only kind ones left. Sisters wouldnt have tried what they did(evil) if they were alive...now i sufferred a severe burn-out(they were waiting in wings) and not only did they Not care and protect me(no surprize in their plan that did not work praise God....i live with dad, they chaded me out trying to lock me up mentally(no grounds-didnt work...praise God) now they are there?, yeah as soon as they got me gone(homeless, none of my things-in burnout attack i had to run for my life. I have not borrowed $ from inheritance(gross) but they have...im out here alone squatting, burned out, ill dads all sewn up now, im sure. Im scared, for Dad and Me. 3 years. All shifts...all personal, emotional, and healthcare-me....with no ns treatment for 3 years...alteriorscleurosis....i did Awesome, we were happy...i sufferrred exhaustive burn-out BAD....no support ever, no kindness(just plenty from dad) im displaced, no matter what they attempt on me-i will survive(taking severe toll and not sure if dads ok....oh, now all 3 are there-i cant go there-they wint let me near him or house right now. Wasnt my fault. Im kind. I even excused myself in writing from will(afraid of them-i wouldnt think of borrowing against that-mcCobb to me. He says hes ok, i pray they Never leave him alone for 1 second....dad says they dont....im beside myself, homeless, worried sick, AND DEVASTED I FAILED. All i can do to make it easiest on dad, is stay away....its awful....i miss dad more than my teeth and i couldnt even grab them. I am grateful to see im absolutely normal. Also, my poor Father, 1st year in, we lost my Eldest Brother to complications after surgery, in his sleep-a Warrior for Spiritual kindness, and Love, it devasted Us All, but, Especially my Dad, He had to bury his 1st born, and He nor I could go to Funeral....Heartwrenching. His and My Heart Shattered. Thanks for listening....maijj....sad in mi. feel like i let my dad diwn-i did-now hes surrounded by 3 remaining sister, whi, i think live him, but live his $ more....i never want him to hear this to break his heart more....but he knows. Now he has to roll with their flow...finces have changed hands...i dint care...let them have it...just Please God, Protect my Daddy, and im going to be all alone, when sadness is all said and done. Nope, i did right for the right reasons and i TRUST GOD COMPLETELY, TO CARE FOR NY DADDY, ME, and i'll have to work on forgiving sisters, easier on Dad...cut my losses, and give him my Best ,"everythings great dad, are you ok?"phone calls.....have to be an actress, because nothings ok. Im not walking into sisters trap. Can a person get care(not mental just regular) for caregiver burnout..rebuild....my potassiium low, im weak in knees, i shrunk from size 187 lbs to a 2 petite....gained 8 lbs back, trying. Pretty sure i need fluids...but Not Mental Health Care.....burnedout, but job taken.....whete were these 3 when i needed them? Waiting exactly for a chance like this to tuck mary away i evil fashion. Im only daughter who has lived with in my own means and owe nothing. Any Answers.....Dont wish to cause trouble as it will only hurt Dad and gacilitate their evil sewn up plan....used(by sisters), abused(by older 2 sisters-) 3rd had to distance, she took care of mom, with ailing dad....older sisters????....$$$$

Jim76,

Your mother knows you were only human and, in my belief system, she forgives you your human fralties - just as you forgave hers. It's always the person who did the MOST who seems to feel the most guilt or regret.
A few grief counseling sessions might help you to process these feelings. It does seem to me that, with any death of a loved one, comes the guilt ~ whether it is deserved or not.

my IF ONLY was answered for me actually! I have spent that last 2 months saying "If only he'd stop trying to go to the restroom himself!!" every time my 92 year old now blind Grandpa would TRY to go to the restroom himself he would fall. It was to the point that I couldn't sleep anymore. Yup you heard me right I went for 2 months with maybe 4 hours of sleep A WEEK! Then 2 weeks ago an ER trip got him put on a permanent Catheter. I've haven't been this content and rested in such a LONG time. So...not all if only's can be changed by the Caregiver.

My mother passed six months ago. I was her primary caregiver for a number of years. I now experience guilt and feelings of failure for all I did and didn't do as a caregiver - going over and over specific items, which expand daily. My mother was a friend, a mentor, a confidante. I know she is in a much better place, but I long to have one more conversation with her and to have her forgive me for any failures. I have found no one whom I can share and trust with discussing this. I hope someday I can find a means to work this and remember the wonderful times we shared once again.

I have found that if I DON'T do everything that bad things happen... like sending in a check to a scam, forgetting appointments, taking the wrong medicine, writing nasty letters saying that a bill was paid, when it wasn't, throwing a three hundred dollar check in the trash... One family member refused to sell the house, back when the housing market was better, so I am trying to patch up a house that has lots of problems.
I agree if you live in a place with few options ( the local Council on Aging even says they don't know what to tell me) then you really have NO choice.
So I guess my 'if only' is: If Only I Could Win the Lottery. Sigh ;-)

I am MORE concerned with her cooking than I am about her eating cake. Baking isn't quite as bad - she used Bisquick and it was quick. But sometimes she wants to try cooking on top of the stove and she always uses HIGH heat and will put something (bacon) on and then sit down and doesn't notice until again until it is black. This scares me. She still thinks she can cook. She doesn't' do it often, but when she does - it worries me to death.

She made this shortcake herself. She has her own little apt. connected to us and every once in a while she decides to bake and it is usually something she shouldn't have :0) At age 87 I am not sure if it is worth hassling her about it. I used to - but no more. She doesn't do it often and she knows not to offer it to us :0)

oldcodger2...maybe sugarfree cake would be better? I use/buy many sf. sweets...they are good!

I am torn between letting her eat cake and worrying about her blood sugar. Her nurse says they still consider my MIL in possession of her full faculties and able to make her own decisions. So, I guess if she wants cake for breakfast - ??? IF ONLY I didn't worry about it!

oldcodger2, I like it! Heck, I say it's OK to eat ice cream for breakfast once in awhile! We only live once! My "If only" for today is, " If only I had the courage to tell the family I can no longer do it all!" Since this is a really big "If only", I'll have to chop away at it slowly. I will email a brother-in-law and ask him to take MIL to her next appt.! ( I have waited long enough for her to ask!)

'IF ONLY' I could do this!!! :0)

I have been trying very hard to allow my MIL to do more for herself and NOT comment about everything she does. This is very hard for me.

I took her coffee and daily med box to her (she has her own little apt. next door to us) and she was eating strawberry shortcake for breakfast. I just smiled and said - 'here's your coffee and pills" and left her to finish her breakfast.

She made the shortcake and I gave her frozen strawberries from our freezer yesterday. We have decided that if an 87 year old wants strawberry shortcake - then let her have it. So, one of my biggest 'if only's' is IF ONLY I hadn't made a big deal out of THAT (whatever THAT was at the time) . It is hard - but I am getting better at it. "if only'' I would just 'let it go' more often. A work in progress.

This article really hits home! I think a good thread would be, " List something, even if it's just one thing, that you, as a caregiver, could do differently today." I'm going to make the list of my "If onlys", and try it out. Writing definitely gives me a clearer picture!