Don't have total responsibility of mom but whenever mom needs surgery, one ibiling tells them to call me as they
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How do I apply for assistance of income for myself for taking care of my 91 years old mother?
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Hi Murano. I really feel for you and will be praying for you!
Perhaps you need to sit your mum down and ask her what would happen to her if you had a heart attack and died. Sometime a shock treatment pulls their mind off of themselves (pain tends to focus their minds on themselves all the time).
Make sure she understands that you would not leave her by choice but the fact that you don't have your own downtime is doing serious danger to your own health.
Then you need to get that younger sister into play. Tell the sister you HAVE to go out for a while and tell her to come and have dinner with your mum. It will do your mum good to have someone different to chat to at an unusual time.
Then find something to do away from your home. Go see a movie or go to a gym, etc.
Ask the sister if she can eat with your mum once a week and use that time for yourself. Could be an amazing change for you.
Bless you for your compassion and dediciation!
Big Hugs!
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To captain turk 1 i care for my 82 yr old father when i was yuong he beat me threw me out the hiuse at age 16 i have a sister her answer is a home an dad did everything for her hevis abusive he has parkins an deminta its hard to care for him i have no life i suffer like u the best u can do is a day at a time i get no help at all but just cant bring myself to put him in a home hhang in there fate has a reason an beleive fate or god whatever u beleive wont send anything ur way u cant over come hang tough u will prevale
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Murano, w o w. I am greatly concerned for your health! If your mother is of sound mind, I wish there was a way for you to just leave. If you lose your job, you will then be tied even more to your mother (if she is providing your housing).Does she live with you, or are you in her house? I am anxious to read what others will say.
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good, very good, but you forgot to add jealousy to the mix. My daughter is jealous of me getting into another relationship. Almost divorce from the man that caused my stroke and some. It has been almost a year, but I met someone online and she hates it...She has all of the symptoms above and I spoke with my critical care nurse (once a month) and she agrees that my daughter is overthinking the situation. I am being monitored already by 3 other caregivers and they are in the medical field, she is in the security field and worries that I am a victim of a scam. I have been helping this person for 8 months by giving him money. Money I don't care about for myself, but will give to someone else in need. I can't take it with me when I die...so she thinks I am crazy for doing this and starting having the above symptoms. She is gaining weight, she can't lose it, she started a business and spend no time with me. I've been waiting for 2years for an aide to assist me with my diabetes and spinal issues. She keeps putting things on the back burner and forgetting about them. But its now become my fault she is burned out over worrying about me giving MY money to someone I have not physically met yet. Whew, got that off my chest. I've asked her to speak to my physician who suggested family counseling. My daughter suggested I see a therapist instead. I love therapy. but I refuse to do it because its for the wrong reason. She tells me that she will stop if I delete this man from my life and stop all communication with him and stop sending him money and then go to bingo instead. I am upset, but I do not want to lose my relationship with my daughter. She is 36 and I love her more...so tonight I decided to cut all ties with the man in order to save my daughter from further burnout...
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If you are having problems caring for your loved one -- and we all do, sometimes excruciating ones -- contact an elder care lawyer and/or the Veterans Administration (or local American Legion or VFW) to see how your loved one can qualify for VA benefits or Medicaid. That could ease your financial burden, and lighten your emotional and physical burdens also.
Don't feel guilty about seeking financial help from the government. Wealthy people have lawyers who know how to exploit all the loopholes and "protect" (sometimes massive) financial assets to qualify for government assistance. Unfortunately, those who are truly needy usually don't know about such legal tactics.
So if your loved one was a veteran during wartime (WWI, WWII, Korea, Vietnam and the present Gulf wars) he/she deserves help. Contact an elder care lawyer (not someone selling annuities or offering to "manage" your finances) or a Military Service Officer from American Legion or VFW.
And ask an elder care lawyer about qualifying for Medicaid. It's an enormous government morass of paperwork, but could help immensely.
Best of luck to all.
From - Been in the home trenches for 3 years
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P.S. That agency I was referring to was called Aging and Adult Care, here in Washington State.
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My dad has very little movement in 1 leg and 1 arm can't open a drink or make food get on the toilet take a bath. I agreed to take him out of the nursing home where he was put when my evil stepmom passed. My dad has 5 brothers and 2 sisters from 55 to 75 dad is 73 had heart attack several stokes. People said they would help I would have a day a week or days away . I have a sister who hasn't helped one time and no one else did either. I had to quit my job I played disc golf competitively on a weekly basis now I can only play a very quick partial game maybe twice a month. I can't go anywhere have no money car sat and now doesn't run I am totally stuck. I look at dad as a coward he knows my back is being destroyed from lifting him I have absolutely no life but the only thing he cares about is staying home he is sacrificing his son. I have begged my sister for help called his brothers and sisters but no one helps. I've been stuck here for a year and 2 months and I need to leave I feel guilty and I'll be homeless jobless my teeth are going bad but I'm almost to a point where I'd just live in a box than wipe his butt 1 more time. The life and good times I had with friends at tourneys and making a living having a car are over for me, that's what it feels like for me.
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All six symptoms, I will admit it. What's for dinner?
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Mu husband, after moving to a new state, was diagnosed with cancer. No friends, very isolated from services, complications due to treatment and abject terror - what we have been living with for the past 32 months. I am the sole caregive. Distances for medical care are fformidable. And, money is fairly non-existent. I show/experience all of these telling symptoms. How to cope?
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How many times do you spend caregiving a day? I spend about six hours a day every day which sometimes quite tough. What about you?
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As far as I am concerned, I think that there is respite care. It is not your responsibility to care for someone who is sick. They should have a retirement account and pay for medical care themselves. There is also estate planning with reverse mortgages. Some people do not deserve your time. If they were a loving relative, that is a different story. If they were a relative who did nothing, they are not worth the grief.
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may I addthat my father lives in California. I think we all know about the water shortage. he is the only man in his neighborhood with a half an acre of emerald green lawn. Every time we try to cut back on his water, we get an angry phone call about that idiot Gardner and that my husband must be inept to have hired him at all. yes my dad is very abusive. so we tell the gardener to flood the lawn just to shut him up. hopefully his neighbors will deal with him as they drive past his beautiful green lawn home to their dead yards. the only problem is when they egg his house, we will get the phone call to clean it up. I'm strongly considering not giving him a forwarding address or phone number. Is that wrong? If it is saying it sure feels good!!
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of course we're better we are all giving up our lives to take care of people who mostly don't even remember, or appreciate, or have the capacity to do either. No one ever told me that after college and finding a wonderful would be all about the thankless job of caring for a mean old man after my lovely Alzheimer's ridden mother passed away. daddy was so old already I figured he would use his long term care insurance he has been paying for for decades, but whenever I bring it up he says I'm not going to go into assisted living until I need assistance. I've ... All he does is sit in a chair and watch television all day and call my husband and me whenever anything goes wrong and something goes wrong every single day. He get so angry when my husband wants to spend anytime with me or our children. it's as though he thinks we are the bother to my husband and that my husband should just want to move in with him. Hell yes I'm bitter. this man has ruined my life. He has ruined my marriage... Almost anyway... I have had cancer I'm sure from all this stress and my husband had a heart attack a few months ago we are only 50 years old. totally stress related his cardiologist said. big surprise!! I too have a useless sibling who is always just too busy. We pay all of her bills, she has no job, meanwhile we struggled to run the family businesses so everyone doesn't starve to death. Daddy has the insurance, he knows the address of the facility, I am truly finished. We have already purchased our property in another state and we are in the process of moving. Yes we are moving away from him. I think what you want, but I deserve a life too. My dad has fifty five years with my mom. My entire adult life has been all about caregiving. By the way my dad put his own mother in a state facility and never looked back. he has a beautiful / plush place waiting for him...but he is so damn selfish he would rather ruin our lives then admit that his needs to change. He called me yesterday trying to track down my husband...asking why he is so damn busy all the time. My husband had been at his house the last two days taking him groceries cleaning up after him. I asked my dad how often he ever saw his father in law. He had no answer. All of a sudden his hearing aids didn't work. The answer to the question was never. He wouldn't even take a phone call from his father in law. He said he had no reason to waste his time talking to old people. Hell yes I'm bitter. I have feelings of hatred for this man that keep me up at night.
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I am 51 years old, after 20 years of being abused in a horrible marriage, I finally summon the courage to get a divorce. along with the divorce I got cancer. After surviving high dose chemo a hip transplant and total reconstruction of a broken neck all do to neglecting my own health and letting the cancer almost kill me, I met and married a wonderful man who is my soulmate and best friend. the month of our wedding coincided with a turn for the worse for my mother who was suffering from Alzheimer's. she was in her seventies at the time and my father was in his early eighties. My mother was a delightful woman, but my father who was her caregiver at first, suddenly realized that my husband was the type that would do anything for anyone. very quickly my husband became my mother's primary caregiver. My father would make excuses about his back hurting et cetera. Trying to raise my teenage daughter, and begin my relationship with my two step sons and our two grandchildren was challenging all by itself, but now we found ourselves caring for not one but two of my elderly parents. all of this while we were running the family businesses. cancer reoccurred, and soon after that my husband suffered a major heart attack. My mother passed away, and now my father expect my husband to spend 100 percent of his time taking him on errands, etc. my father has no friends and refuses to have relationships with his two brothers who love him dearly. He calls them old people and says they are boring. All he wants to do is have my husband drive him around and no matter how many hours a day my husband spends with him, he makes abusive remarks about how my husband never has enough time. he is extremely abusive to me and does not want me anywhere around he just wants to be with my husband. My husband is exhausted and feeling guilty all the time. We have absolutely no privacy. We had to spend thousands of dollars to put up security gates because my father would show up at 7 o'clock in the morning and want to spend the entire day at our house. Of course we would be waiting on him hand and foot all day. He would demand we run the heater while we were dripping sweat in the heat of the summer. He is an extremely abusive cruel man. of interest is, he never spent any time with his father in law or his mother when she became elderly. He told them they were elderly and needed to go into a home for elderly people. He said he had a life to live and it didn't include caring for elderly people. He has long term care insurance that we have been paying for 25 years now. He is 87 years old and says he will go into an assisted living facility when he starts needing help. meanwhile he has not bought his own groceries or done a single thing for himself for the last 5 years. My husband has done a hundred percent of everything for him. he recently rammed another car in a parking lot and left the scene claiming that he couldn't see any marks on the other car. I believe that is illegal leaving the scene of an accident. he is constantly complaining about all of his health ailments, but only wants my husband to take care of him. we have decided to leave the state. We both feel terrible about it, and don't know how to break the news to him, but at this point it's going to kill either one or both of us and we are only in our fifties. we have not had a chance to nurture our marriage, or our relationship with our daughter sons and grandchildren.we don't know what will become of my dad when we move, but we are moving. Does anybody have any advice for getting my dad to listen 2 reason? I failed to mention his gambling habit which gets worse by the day. He spent over $20,000 in one month last summer at the casino. At this rate the entire family will be broke in no time. we have power of attorney and are limiting the money we give to him, pay all of his bills, but he keeps asking for more money claiming he needs to pay his bills. what I am hoping for is some advice on how to get him to agree to move into an assisted living facility. He needs to be around people his own age and he definitely needs 24 hour nursing care. he has insurance to cover this, but still refuses claiming is that my husband is doing a fine job so why would he need to go live with a bunch of disgusting old people. there is no end to the amount of abuse we have been subjected to. He has literally ruined the first several years of our marriage. we live in fear of the phone ringing. We had to lie to him and tell him my husbands phone got taken away by his cardiologist. even when we told him that it would literally kill my husband to continue to receive so many phone calls, my father continue to call 15 to 20 times a day. Now he calls my phone looking for my husband several times a day. When my husband isn't available every minute, my father asks what in the world could he have to do that is so important. he also tells my husband he knows he will just be bored spending time with me, so he should probably just move in so the two of them can spend more time together. it's all so sick and twisted, I just am at my wits end. I never would believe my father would choose my husband over me, but he literally could care less about me. When he heard about my cancer coming back, all he wanted to know was how much of my husband's time was that going to eat up. when my daughter needed surgery, he told my husband to let her go by herself to the hospital. he does not understand my husband caring for anybody but him. Is there anybody out there that has a similar situation? I don't want to abandon him, but I don't feel like we have a choice. please if you're out there and any of this rings a bell for you, can you offer any advice? I would appreciate it. if you're still listening, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
-Finished
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Yu are suppose take care of the brother not her. When visit she should ask if you need anything or for her brother. Some people arevery self of themselves. In consider of others.
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I'm Bi- Polar which adds to the Trama-Drama.Not the way 99% of the population thinks, including My Mother, Brother,and possiblely her Doctor. I'm on and take my medication as directed. I've had the same Doctor for 15 years (Psychiatrist).Moms Sister and best friend died in Oct. 2012.Here problems started then. I called her 3 times a day for a year. I live in Ca. She's in Ohio.I ve done great as a caregiver. Putting things in order Moms home, it was a mess, her diet, hygiene. She was eating chips and Pepsi. I was here 6 weeks, and be cause of my own health I had to return to Ca. I had Catarect Surgery, which I had problems with. I'm here in Ohio again. And my Mom is getting worse. I am getting no cooperation from Brother, Mother, or Dr. Mom won't put me on HIPAA, because she doesn't want me to talk to Dr. Brother won't back me up, She needs to see a Neurologist, at the very least. I also believe she needs anti- depressants and a stronger tranquilizer,as she's been on Ativan 0.5 for years. I'm getting resistance from everyone. As well as living and taking care of a 2 year old teenager. There reasoning and excuse is I'm Bi-Polar. Besides packing Bags and saying Hosta La Viests Baby, and let them deal with this. What can I do?
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I know all of these. I also know ending it all, would not help either of us. I got up, tired from a night of pain in my disabled left ankle,went to work and got into it with boss and lost job, took 5minutes. house might sell wed, who knows, house sells and everything will get 200% better. if not its try to find my bearings and fight back and survive. I am tired-beat down-unhappy-wanna go home, don't know where home is even. She gets worse each month, we are both dying from this now. i am burned out on everything. no money-no sale yet, just pain, which chronic pain and tress will drive to rash decisions etc.
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I was a caregiver and felt sometime burnout but I have to overcome it. Didalots praying and reading the bible. Also pick my own self up.
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I have 5 out of the 6 signs time to do something before its too late
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I most have it easy I have a 64 year old mother that I take care of, for the most part she can take care of hereself, however do to her being an amputee she relies on me a lot, I take care of six cats and a dog, who every 3 to 4 hours I have to take out, my actual job being paid is me taking care of here the money is split so I get about 800 a months, and I live at home.

yet as a 25 year old male, I hate it, I didnt want to be a paid caregiver, becuase I new it would change things, do to certain situations I am unable to get another job (btw this is the the only job I have ever had) something that I have wanted to do since I was 15, she hires people like (one to take the dog out) and has everything shipped to her ( she has not left the house in 3 years), but it frustrate me so ,much, I am the only reguler helper and I dont really get any support other then people saying I should move out (something that really bothers me) and I just dont know what to do, I just want to live my life and not have everyone telling what I should do and what I shoulff be greatful for.
I am sorry I must sound like a whiny ungratful individual and maybe I am.
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@20406080fossil Please call your local crisis/suicide line. Caregiving can get overwhelming. At this point, it is important to ask for help. It may be time for whoever you are caregiving to go into a facility. You can take him/her to the ER and say you can no longer do this. Social Services and the Agency on Aging can be good resources for you, however, in the short term, it is important to get help for yourself. Your doc can prescribe antidepressants to help you over this period. Please let us know how you are.
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I feel like I want to end my life because of my situation.
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I have 1 - 5. Unless fibromyalgia can count as number 6.
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Twinlaura, I am so VERY glad you did not take your life. You my dear are extremely overwhelmed. You should heed the advice that has been given to you. You ARE very important. You need to take care of you first. Your life and happiness are just as important as your mother's. I do not necessarily think it is meant at you, personally. I think your mother is in dnial of how bad your father is and does not know what to do to handle it and you are her whipping post. I do not know what to tell you to say to your mother but I know you don't deserve her verbal abuse either. Vent, rant and rave on these threads. It may help keep you from being suicidal and going to the hospital. God Bless you for the wonderful care you have given to your parents. But you need to care for yourself, first.
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captainturk1 this is my life we both are living just different houses. Today my mother called me the devil, that I am the cause of all the problems in the house,...she is sooooo mean to me. So I decided for the 2nd time this week, because I had chest pains on tuesday and had to go to the hospital, that I told her , I am done, you are on your own. Hoping she will learn to respect me and all i do for her and my dad with alzehmers. I have been so beaten down mentally, this week, I wanted to take my life, but a friend talked me out of it. My kids, although grown, still need their mom and my grandbabies. I am adopted and have a twin, I am pretty sure she wishes she only adopted my twin, and not me. My twin lives 5 minutes away and will not help, if we see her 1 a month.. and mom adores her..doesn't make sense.... god bless
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Our moms must be about the same age - my mom would have been 97 this February if she had lived. She died at age 60. She always said if someone wants to see me, come while I am alive and if they want to give me flowers - do it while I can still enjoy them. :0) She wanted a closed coffin and asked us kids not to look. Six kids and I am the only one who didn't look. :0( I can understand why they did and I don't fret over it. I just wanted to remember mom as she was. I still miss her. That was before cremation was as accepted as it is now. We intend to be cremated as will be my MIL - her request. Just a nice Memorial after the fact.
But I think that is something we should remember to do - little kindnesses for those who really need it.

I remember reading once that if we have lost a child or parent - then find someone else to do something nice for. An orphan, a lonely person in a nursing home. I have always tried to do that. Have my hands kinda full now, but my hubby and I always visited nursing homes - even when we were young. I guess we are weird.

I am sorry that things have come to this point in your mom's life. It will be a sad day for you - whether it is necessary or not. But, sadly, people grow old and sick and need care - so much care that it can just get beyond us before we ever realize it. Then one day we wake up and we are exhausted and angry and just can't take it anymore and other relatives or friends can't even SEE what's the big deal. That when you really feel crazy and alone.

Websites like this one are certainly a blessing - because we KNOW what these people are dealing with and we can actually FEEL each other's pain and worry and sadness. Take care. Don't take it out on hubby - he's only human, too.
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Talk to her doctor and see if he will find a reason to admit her to the hospital for at least 3 days (Medicare requirement in order for Medicare to Pay for the stay). If he can find a legitimate reason to admit her - then it is easier to get her placed into a nursing home directly from the hospital or at least put on the swing unit for a few weeks to build her strength. Talk to your doctor.

I am sorry your hubby left and maybe he will come back. I hope so. This sort of thing takes a heavy toll. She needs to be placed. Talk to her doctor as soon as possible.
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Thank you for your help, had not thought about putting oatmeal in the blender. I do everything else that way. Today she started out at 4:15 a.m hissing, growling yelling in a strange voice. She dug her nails into the back of my hand etc. I used the weighted blanket tried to calm her but nothing worked not even zanax. My husband had taken all he can and he left tonight. Now I'm alone and I will make it somehow. The only support I have is hospice. I've been trying to get her into a nursing home but they have no long term beds available and I don't want to bounce her arround because it makes her more confused. So we are still on the waiting list and also waiting for medicaid. but with the governor that we have I don't know if she can even get on medicaid. If my husband doesn't come back also financial I'm up a wall because the Dr will not let me work due to some problems that i have. But I'll take it one day at a time like I was taught in Alanon. That is about all I can do where I have no family. With mom it's probably just a matter of time she is just skin over bones now and she has been trying to break my husband and myself up now for months. for some reason she hates him. I don't know why becasue they have always been the best of friends.
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