I have read over the article and also all of the comments thus far and would like to share my unique perspective on things. Currently I am taking care of my 87 year-old mother with vascular dementia. There are days that it becomes quite challenging at times, especially when dealing with difficult behaviors like when my mom yells at me, "You're not my daughter!" In fact, there are days that I have had to retreat to my bedroom to have a good cry. However, in spite of everything, I would not change it for the world! I chose to be her caregiver. Had I not chosen to take care of my mom I would probably regret it for the rest of my life! Not only that, but I know that my mom wanted to live with family rather than in a nursing home. She had a choice between living with my brother and sister-in-law or living with my husband and me (she still knew who I was at the time), and she chose us. Anyway, unfortunately none of my other 5 siblings live close enough to help with her care. However, I do have a brother that lives almost 2 hours away. He is my mom's financial POA, and therefore tries to come every 2 weeks or so to check on her finances. I am my mom's healthcare POA. To be honest, I'm not going to lie! There have been times when I have thought it would be more merciful just to let my mom pass away. Therefore, when she refuses her medications at times, I don't make a big issue out of it. When she refuses to eat her lunch or take a bath, no big deal! After all, she has a right to refuse. If she eats a cookie every now and then even though she's diabetic, it's not like it's the end of the world! However, as her primary caregiver I do feel it is my responsibility to give her the best care I can possibly give her, and that means making sure she takes her medicine, gets a shower 1-2x a week, and is offered 3 home-cooked meals per day. Even though she doesn't remember who I am most of the time, I do believe she is happier living here than in a nursing home. And I am more than happy to be her caregiver. I do not consider it a burden. I consider it an honor and a privilege in spite of the challenges it sometimes presents. When I look back, I will be at peace knowing that I did absolutely everything I could possibly do for my mom to make these last months or years more pleasurable and more comfortable for her. I don't do it out of obligation because I am not obligated. I could have easily left her in that nursing home. But I do it out of my deep love for her. Has it effected my relationships? Certainly! I feel that it has only solidified my relationship with my husband even though there are days when I feel I am so caught up in my whirlwind of caregiving duties that I feel like I am neglecting our relationship. I will also tell you that it is much harder just to drop everything and go visit our two grown children and our 5 year-old grandson now. For me, that has been the toughest part of all.
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Dear Whynot, i read your comment with interest. I agree with most things you say. Yes I believe in a much greater power than us mere mortals, but I'm sorry I believe unfortunately, the world is totally brain washed with silly religions, yes sorry I did say silly religions. I very much agree with euthanasia, (provided of course, strict guidelines are adhered to). No human being should have to stay and suffer if they chose not to. It's ridiculous that people should follow an ancient fairy story that rebukes it. I wish you many happy years whynot, try to get some comfort and pleasure in each day. Know that there's got to be something much grander when we die, although nobody knows what??
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Yes, my mother, who lived alone in another state 400 miles away from me started fires in her microwave and didn't even tell either my brother or I! Caregiving is not fun!
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I would rather just die. Religion says life is sacred, but it is just a guess. I think the loving thing to do is to help us to die if that is what we want, and not to punish those whose love is so great they are willing to help us end our suffering. I see that care-taking expressed, with many care-takers, is a form of martyrdom and self-pity masked as a noble act. 1 in 5 siblings chose to help? When we progress, we are simply burdens. It is okay with me if my comments get me banned and the comments erased. Religion created fear of death, and being demented is not "living" in a meaningful way. Euthanasia needs to be a freely-discussed issue. You chose to caretake, the others did not. And yes --we will die without care, By dehydration most likely. But guess what? We are all going to die anyway. Why stay and suffer? Nearly 400 religions in the world (see Beliefnet) or read Procon on euthanasia. Love is bigger than just being alive, in my own perception. Love is not just keeping another alive. Read what doctors polled say... they would not want to have done to them that which is done to so many, in the name of love, to keep people alive. My advanced directives are in place. I want to die, but my husband would be incarcerated for neglect (Panama, prior to a lifetime in the USA). I am here because they don't institutionalize to any extent. We have had no kids, which because my dementia is genetic, is great. Depending which resource you cite, 1 in 7 or more in the USA will end up living with dementia like me. Who really wants to be a burden? I HURT. Laws keep me here. I believe my comment to be relevant, on topic, and valid. Remove me from this forum if you will.
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Hello..
I TRULLY feel what this article is about, I'm in the same situation caring for my 78yrs old mother since 2010. She had a blood Glog stroke and she's paralyzed on her right side and on top of that she have demitia and Alzheimer's . I had to move here to take care of her since out of 5 girls no one else wants to take the responsibility or put their lives on hold to care for our mother so i took the responsibility. It's trully hard and stressing at times I find my self crying because I have to go through different mood swings from my mother here and there, especially I don't see any of my siblings willing to help or do their part so I have to hold my self strong and keep my faith in God as he will provide me with patience and strength to fulfill my duties for my mother for as long as I need to. I feel what Jane is going through I give her major blessings cause caring for a lone one is TRULLY the hardest job there is in this world and it takes a person with a loving heart , understanding, patience, to fulfill this job in life. I do take time for my self at times but just few hours once in a blue moon cause I can't leave my mother alone too long my dad him self is not in good health, but just having a few hours out the house kinda take away a bit of stress and frustration . I know everyone that is a care giver take it in a different way but for me , no matter how hard it is caring for my mother or dealing with my siblins for not doing their part, I have peace in my heart and mind cause I'm giving back to my mother what she have given me through out my life it's not much but it's the best I can do for her for giving me life and rasining me and my siblings. I wish upon all the care givers all the blessings May God give you all the strength and guide you all through it all. My life is on hold BUT it's worth it seeing my mother and being with her everyday cause once cause our love ones can't be replace in life. God bless everyone...
Leah....
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I am sorry for your stresses. but being early dementa diagnosed at 47 now 55 with a 66 year old husband caretaking me, I would trade you if I could. You are fortunate. Dementia is horrifying.
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I understand completely as I take care of my 80 year old mother with alzhiemers. I am an only child so the responsiblity falls completely on me. The only thing I would caution is be careful with letting your boyfriend use the microwave. My mother had used it for years to warm her coffee with no problem but the occasional over warming til it boiled over but last year she tried to warm something in a styroform container and it caught fire because she press the wrong numbers an forgot about it. I have purchased a new microwave with a child lock. I hate to have done that to her but its for her own safety.
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