I found the Grief Groups I went to unhelpful. They included folks who lost spouses, parents, children, best friends. There is a whole lot of difference in losing a spouse or a parent and that is never fully recognized with these groups...I joined 3 of them...no help at all with the loss of well loved spouse.

I like your article. I lost my wife of 52 years back in 2018 from Alzheimers. I was certainly saddened by her death, but for me a feeling of relief, knowing I had survived caring for her, was the dominant emotion. I have a friend who is still grieving the loss of her husband 5 years ago.

Since my wife's death, I have been facilitating dementia support groups, even through the pandemic. I find that even after the death of a loved one, and the overwhelming job of caregiving is finally over, few caregivers say they experienced relief. Grief, certainly, but also guilt, even after they sacrificed so many of their own needs and wants; even after they've given their best.

When the time comes, I hope I will be able to be kind to myself and know that I have done my duty as best I could and find peace that my “watch” is over.

It has been almost 8 months since I lost my mom. For the first 6 months I thought I would have a heart attack or something. I was a complete mess. I say take whatever time you need - and do whatever you feel you need to do. The best advice I found was to "find your new normal". Can't say I have found my new normal, but I'm happy that I have productive days now vs. getting out of bed only to lay on the couch. But in the beginning I couldn't function, think, couldn't even veg out watching tv....so focus on you and do what you need. As a caregiver (as I'm sure everyone on here knows), you have neglected yourself for a while - put yourself first now and do what you need - whatever that may be. And I would also recommend listening to music - Pink Beautiful Trauma album. Her lyrics are always wonderful, but this last album is so very deep & meaningful and wise. And warning - some of the songs will make you cry. Just be good to yourself

my mom, my best friend passed away at 91 years old from a fall on Sept. 14th 2017. it is now almost 6 months later and though I am not crying and feeling stone in my tummy from not knowing how to move on, I still mourn and miss her terribly. I just gave mom's piano that which she played every day to a 12 year old wonderful new piano player who I know Mom would love to see - I am moving out of townhouse we lived in together in March and just getting rid of everything has been trying on my nerves. My 4 sisters have no empathy for me at all - very cold and I don't know how to forgive them but know I will have to for myself to be sane. It is difficult to rebuild life after the death of my Mom - but one day at a time and positive thinking along with a group of friends who care - I will survive! thanks for reading - any advise appreciated! Hugs - Susan

My mother passed away 4 months ago and I feel people don't understand. My mother was 93 just 3 weeks short of her 94th. She had dementia and she lived in my home. My mother was in hospice and I administered her morphine and after 3 days she died. I find it sad that, people that you know cannot pick up the phone and ask how are you! I think our society expects you to get on with life and has become numb to it. I feel for every caregiver and I wish people would have more empathy.

I just read this article. My mom died on Oct 2, 2016. This article was such a balm to me because, even though I had loved and cared for my mom for the last 5 years, sometimes I was really callous and negligent. Once she died, I was overwhelmed with guilt! I never considered writing a letter to her to ask for forgiveness.
I composed the letter. What a cathartic experience! To receive forgiveness is so blessed! I realize God and my mom have forgiven me, but I have not torn up the letter as yet. I will though.
The other points in the article were equally good.
Thank you again. I feel your article was an answer to prayer.

My mother went into long-term care in late January and boy was I relieved! I had just hit my limit caring for her and with her needs increasing, I just couldn't do it anymore. I only visit her every other day to every couple of days. She and I both need the space. It helps me to move on and realize that she's being taken care of and she needs to not be so dependent on me. She's in a good facility getting good care (yes, I know things can happen anywhere). All that she relied on me to do, others can now do. They also have the luxury of not being her child, so walking away or saying no is easier for them than it was for me. I am now using this time to take my life back. I come home in the evenings and relax and enjoy having my space back. I'm starting to get some things done around the house that I didn't do previously simply because she sucked the life out of me. I've decided not to commit to anything or anybody at this point in my life. I need my freedom and I also need the space to decide what's next and make an informed decision, unlike what I did when I moved in with my mother. I may eventually get a dog, I may take a photography class. But for now, I'm just exhaling and taking my time to live in the now.

Dad died a month ago at 90 yrs old. He was a strong, kind, wise man. I had been living with him and caring for him the last 2 1/2 yrs of his life. We didn't get along when I was younger. As his caregiver I had my moments of complaining, resenting, and still butting heads occasionally. It was extremely difficult at times. But over time I realized that this was a gift. We got closer than I could ever have imagined. I came to realize how much we really loved each other.
I do miss him terribly. I'm not sure what to do with my life now. I'm 68. I'm questioning everything. I am very nervous being in the house without him. Sometimes I talk to him, sometimes it seems like he is still there. And at the same time so gone. I have nothing to do now. I don't like moving his clothes,his tools, his papers but I am gradually doing it. I am the executor and there is probate and problems with a sibling, so it's not over. I regret some things - I keep running them through my mind - I wish I had smiled more and been happier around him. I wish I had asked his opinion more. I keep thinking about his last days and hours and trying to have faith in God.
I know it is a process. I think it will get easier. I am truly grateful that I was able to be there for him. One sister helped me and him when she could and I thank God for her too. That is a big blessing and it helps to have her to talk to now.
Prayers and love to all who go through this.

As a caregiver with my 87 yo Mom and also caring in a hospice mode...both in my home....for my very best friend, I am wondering how do I move on? My husband is a constant strength. I am reaching out to all my friends. But I wonder if I can pull all the pieces back together. I certainly know I will be a different person with all the pieces together but large areas missing. I know I need to find a way to place golden memories around those holes. I am a survivor, but this scares me in ways I can't express to anyone.

It has been 4 and 1/2 yrs. since the husband has died and I did feel relief he was very hard to take care of and if it had not been for finding AC the last year it would have been almost impossible to get through it all. He shut me out the last days of his life he would respond to everyone else but when I held his hand or talked to him he did not respond I think he thought he was punishing me. He was very mean to me and said often he hated me-I was wondering what people would say when I did not cry in public-I did cry the night I tried to sleep in the waiting room of the hospital after they stoped the meds that were keeping him alive -this was after I was told his heart and brain were not viable I may have been crying for how he really wasted his last years by feeling sorry for himself and being miserable-he could have enjoyed life-he had no responsibilies or helped himself at all-it was sad and he picked on me so much-yet said I did not do anything to help him which was so untrue. Now years later I am in love with the nicest kind man who cares about me so much and treats me so well-and consider myself so lucky to finally be happy and not treated badly as I was with the late husband.

Soozi, that is amazing that u found letters between them even though some r not all peachy king. That book your reading of the World War could explain some stuff between both of them. I bet ya they both went through some very tough n harsh times too. It sounds like they were very young too when they were together as well n that may explain why your dad didn't sign the 'love' word. Plus, back then they probable thought it was weak to write it down who knows back then. I agree that they more than likely did the best they could for that was the way they were taught n it don't mean it was wrong it was just the way they were taught by their parents.
Just because we were raised a certain way don't mean it was all good. With that said, my family on my mom side hardly ever said the 'love' word nor a hug. They just didn't show their emotions. I don't know why. Well, I grew up doing the same thing n then one of r family members decided that they didn't won't their child to feel they were not loved. Now, we all tell each other n we all give hugs. I do catch myself sometimes pulling back from the hugs, but I catch myself n am trying. I now enjoy the hugs. I know my mom loved us even though she didn;t spit it out or in a hug. I know we got them from her when we were little for she would rock us to sleep. I guess that is why I am always trying to show it by 'doing things' for the ones I love. That was my way of showing the 'love.' However, doing is not always enough than hearing n expressing it with a hug. I am so glad that u r finding peace n comfort n yes we all can related one way or another. ; ) Welcome...

Hi All, Just reading the posts and want to share an update. I found some letters between my mom and dad when they were first married. My mom was a firecracker and my dad, interestingly was smitten, but he never signed that he loved her. Hmmmm very interesting. I love learning about them, the good and the not so good. It helps me to think about how I can strive to be a better person today than I was yesterday, regardless of what they went through and how they treated me. Admittedly, while there were bad times, I think they did their best and in their own ways they loved me. I am reading a book about the world at the time they were in their 20's and it was a World War! It must have been terrible ... I feel so fortunate and also feel like we need to keep finding ways to contribute. I hope everyone on this site finds peace and comfort and knows that we are all experiencing similar things and hoping you gain strength from this site as I have gained strength from reading about your experiences. I have so much gratitude for this site and all of you who have shared and written. You have kept me sane! ... or should I say, you brought me back from the brink!

Soozi n Austin, so sorry for your loss n please continue to come back to let us know how u both r doing. Healing takes awhile n even though we all may have not been real close, we still miss them n will still be confused. For some reason we cannot always understand what goes through some of r family members mindset like my own mom. I don't feel it was my fault anymore either n I done everything that I could do to take care of her. My mom side of the family was never a touchy-lovey deal. Yes, she did show favoritism n I never understood why except she would say that r younger brother almost died when he was little. Even though he would go through her purse n take money out.
Carol, sorry for the loss of your mom. We r human n that is natural the way u feel. I kept some of my mom's stuff n knowing that she is not coming back it helped me feel sort of comfort of connection to her. It is good to know that hospice helped you two for support. I know my mom is in a better place n happy as well. You mom is in a much higher better place too. Give your dad a hug from all of us n keep us posted on how u r doing.

Hi Carol, I just want to express my condolences. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you and your father find a good path forward. Sending you good wishes through these times. I also hope Hospice provides the help and care that you and your father may need.

For the past four years, I have been the family caregiver for both parents in their home. Last Wednesday, at 6:58am, Mom took her final breath in her own bed and beside Dad. Mom was a hospice patient the last two weeks and I realize I can contact them for support. I think I must still be in shock and denial. I want to continue to be surrounded by her things as if she was here. Now I worry about Dad who was married to Mom for 57 years.

My mother died two weeks ago today-we were not close because she did not want to be close to me. I am having lots of emotions also but I also know -from the 4 years being here on AC-that is was not my fault that we were not close and I really do not know why she did not like me-I tried my whole life to have her like me as she did my sister and my brothers.

I lost my mom last week and I just want to thank everyone for sharing here. Your experiences are so similar to mine. I feel relief and I miss my mom terribly. I wish everyone well and just want you all to know how much I needed to read your stories tonight and I learned that I am not alone. Thank you!!

Dear Lost 4121,
I cared for my precious mother for over 7 years in my home. I gave up my job to become her full time caregiver. She died in January of this year. I know exactly how you feel when you say you feel lost, guilty among other feelings. There are so many emotions going on right now when you first lose someone so close to you. Your body does not know how to handle such grief. You feel lost for various reasons. Please be kind to yourself. I am sure you did your very best. We are all human and make some mistakes. When we see our loved one decline it effects us, it is hard somedays to put on a smile for them. You lost your mother and your best friend. Your mother will always be in your heart. One day you will be able to look back on certain times with a smile. For now try to relax, eat nourishing food and read some books on grief. If you have a good friend share your feelings with them. Books helped me understand what I was feeling. I at one point thought I was going crazy. My heart goes out to you and I am so very sorry for your lose. Everyday will get a little bit brighter.

My Mom passed away last week after a week in the ICU. She had COPD and heart problems and I was her caregiver for the past 7 years after my Dad died. I started by coming home every weekend at first - and then finally moved in with her the last 2 years. I work outside the home, but I did everything I could for her because her health got so bad she wouldnt leave the house, and the last few months she wouldnt leave her bedroom. I am having a hard time even greiving - I'm lost - but I cant even cry about it yet. I feel guilty that I didnt do enough, and that it is a relief to not have the committment any more - and yet I miss her so much. I have lots of people asking what they can do - I have no idea - I cant even find the words to talk about my feelings. It has been so hard to watch our relationship go from Mother/Daughter to having to bathe her and watch her health decline and be in pain and struggle just to breathe. I keep telling myself that she is at peace now - and yet I feel guilty for letting her go. Life does go on - but how do you find peace and happiness each day for the living?

You really help people Carol. Thank you.

@ lizard41, you don't need to DO anything, take time to heal, your were strong with your mother, and can be strong through this too. No one knows "how to do this" yet somehow, we just do. Love and light

What a wonderful article. I had the joy (read sometimes burden) of caring for both my elderly parents. They lived independently and it was a full time job, I did experience relief, AND the guilt invoved. (more so for my mom as her suffering was severe.) they both died within three months of each other, it has been 2 1/2 years and I'm still working through the grief.
I would share with others that letting yourself heal is a personal journey, there will be ups and downs and you have a right to your feelings. If your loss is new, know you were a devoted loving personand your care was a gift. Reach out to others, internet sites like this were extremely helpful to me.
Give yourself time and earn to forgive yourself of any guilt.-I'm still working on this one. Blessings to all

I lost my mom a month and a half ago. I am lost. I was her only caregiver up untill October. I gave up my life for her. My friends, my kids suffered and I left my job to care for her. I would do anything to have her back and the hectic days of caregiving. I was her only daughter and we were so close. I enjoyed being together everyday even when she went into the nursing home. She would tell me "i am so glad your here, I feel so much better. I know she is finally at peace and that is so reassuring. I mean, i will suffer for the rest of my life for her knowing she is at peace and happy. I had 42yrs with her. But how do I do this? How do I live the next half of my life without her? Sometimes I can barely get through the day. What do I do now? Find a job? I don't feel like handle anything right now. I forced myself to go to a dinner party last weekend and I was miserable. I stuck it out for my husband because he thinks I need to be around people, but that is the last thing I want to do. I am not strong enough to pretend I am ok. I am having a hard time reaching out because I just want to be alone. I am so lost without her. Mom was my everything and the only one who really,really knew me. Ugh! I hate this! How do we do this?

I lost my mother a month ago. The pain is just as bad as it was the day it happened. She was in a nursing home, but I visited her almost everyday. I did her hair, rubbed lotion on her, helped her change into her gown and put her to bed every night that I was there. I took her clothes home, washed them, and took them back to her so she would have clean clothes everyday. I made things I knew she liked to eat and took them to her although at the end, she wouldn't eat anything. I sat beside her bed for hours in the last days even though she slept a lot, she would open her eyes now and then and would smile when she saw I was still there. Hospice did come in the last month and were very helpful. I work and even though the people at the home were wonderful, I felt better knowing someone was checking on her during the day and keeping her company. Reading this article, I kept thinking that's me, that's me. I do feel guilty if I feel better for a while and I will always wish I had done more. Thank you for making me realize that the feelings I have are natural. I am a Christian as was Mom and I know she is in a wonderful place with no more pain. I pray for all those who have lost love ones that God will give them the strength they need to carry on.

Oneandonly....I am in the place you are. It seems no one understands except fellow caregivers. My mother lived with me for the past seven years. I devoted all my time to her. She died less than a month ago. I must say everyone told me "now you can rest". I can not rest, I cry all day missing her and our routine. I did have Hospice come to the house. They helped a great deal, and yet I wish they were not in my home. I wanted just one on one time with my mother yet; I needed the help.
No words can explain the loss I feel. I pray for peace and for other people that have lost their loved ones. I hope and pray there is a heaven...for that hope is the only thing that is keeping me wanting to go on. I miss my mother and my heart is so heavy with grief. I know my mother would truly hate to see me this way. She told me she did not want to die because she was afraid of what would happen to me. In memory of my mother, I get up everyday with the intentions to try to be a little bit happier. Maybe in time I will be able to accomplish that. I hope you are finding life a little easier and less painful...God bless you!

I just buried my mother today after taking care of her in my home for the last 5 years. She suffered for a long time, especially at the end of her life and I was "hospice". I was with her when she took her last breaths and I am so grateful she did not pass alone. We did reconcile a while ago about issues that we had and I feel that she went knowing we were at peace with each other.
I thought I would be prepared for the day but I wasn't. It was still very hard and I still can't believe that it is over. I did go to a support group,a counsler and this site to help me navigate the caregiver role and it was a tremendous help. I still hope that I did enough for her. I have to believe that she is now at peace, no longer in pain and in a much better place.
We caregivers are special people and unless you walk in our shoes no one can understand.
I told my mother that I will always love her and keep her in my heart forever.
My God bless all the people who are caregivers and the people that they care for.
oneandonly

This is very true. I am now a hospice volunteer and find much reward in giving to my community. I had a lovely cup of tea and cookies at my new client's home. Housebound, we chatted about bats in our belfry, broken sump pumps, sons and grandkids, and wood stoves! We laughed long and hard. What a delightful visit I had! I talked about my late parents, and how some of my clients deal with their ill health in a positive way.