My mother passed away thirty years ago, she was 70, I was 40. Now my daughter is 40. I thought 70 was old then, but my mom didn't seem like SHE was old. She passed from lung cancer, but it wasn't diagnosed until the very end. In the last three months she was not feeling well, however, and I would visit her frequently over a cup of coffee and she told me so many things that I wouldn't have thought of asking. The one thing that really stays with me is how frightened she was during the tumultuous Sixties! The Vietnam War, the riots, the drug use and hippie culture. Those were perhaps the most intimate memories she shared with me. We had always been close, (she was widowed early on) but the fear she had back then for the future for my brother and I was one thing she felt she couldn't share with us as it was happening. I had no idea it had been so hard on her.
I don't know where I am going with this. I was so lucky to have such a great mother, and now I am lucky to have loving children and grandchildren who I am able to be open with, and vice versa. I feel they already know the answers to most of those questions already, and God willing, I may have a chance to surprise them with something they didn't already know, when I am REALLY old! (Meaning, something I haven't told them a hundred times already!)
(0)
Report

I am Methodist by denomination. Reading these comments about the 20 questions, reminds me of a truism that seems appropriate:
"Different strokes for different folks".

Being a Methodist, I rely on Albert Outler's expression of the Methodist Quadrilateral: Scripture, Tradition, Reason, Experience.
It takes all 4 points of view to explain our reaction to life, itself.

20 Questions may work fine for some, but certainly not for all. Use it if appropriate; use another way to get what you feel you need, if advisable. Remember: Different strokes of different folks.
(0)
Report

Along with these questions, it's also useful to locate any of the old, unlabeled photos lying around (or stashed in a drawer or closet), and then try to get parents and others to provide any information available about each one. Unfortunately, we had some that even my parents couldn't recognize because the people who did the photography were already gone. Some years back, I made a point of "cornering" my father to get him to tell me who was on each of another set of photos so I could label them all. He did so, and although he lived a couple more decades, I felt satisfied that this had been done.
(0)
Report

That is absolutely the truth.

What were their lives like. I just found out a 99 year old client took a horse and buggy to elementary school.

As I say, our elders have paved a way for us, and it is up to us to change any of our entitlement behaviors although those of us in our 50-60-70 are not about entitlement. It is about reaching out, smiling, telling a senior that you are so impressed to see them out getting exercise.

Our senior population is one of the Friendliest populations we will ever have. Loneliness and Isolation will kill them before a disease.

I am wanting to do something about that and offer 2-4 hour companion concierge care, and I have a group of ladies that have been trained in Advance about the language to use, the clothes to wear, how to connect.

I know that our senior population is exploding and more and more people with be in a hard position to pay for it.

Why cannot we as a group of committed caregivers start up a legitimate crowdfunding, and have someone in our government or Banking Institution hold the key to the funds.

People do not have the monies to live at home or in an apartment.

Please know that reverse mortgages have made many seniors homeless.

Thanks for listening, if anyone has any ideas, let me know.

Senior care is changing every day. Let's find a way to stay on top of it so we as caregivers are fully prepared for the day it arrives, or the week or month.

"Step by step, Day by Day, make a difference in a Senors life in Everyway" God Bless
(2)
Report

My mom is at the early stages. She gets angry quickly and insists that I not ask questions regarding how her day is going. How she feels, etc. She also thinks that she can read peoples thoughts and then she becomes angry about what she thinks other people feel. She also gets angry that I'm active in church and Toastmasterst
(1)
Report

If your parent came from a severely dysfunctional family, you'll probably want to skip the "20 questions" routine.

My mom was raised in a multi-generational household with miserable grandparents, a selfish neglectful mother, and aunts & uncles ranging from alcoholic to sadist to pedophile to town whore. And the neighbors weren't much better.

Mom unburdened herself to me plenty over the years. Sad and distressing. No need for a re-hash as a final memory.

The last couple of years....as mom's mental compromises increased....I hope that mom's "brain fuzz" blocked some of her painful memories.
(5)
Report

I love this
(0)
Report

I am 84 years old. I would not answer my adult children if they asked me whether I think they are like me, whether I have a lost love, or what was the happiest moment of my life. They might be shocked by the answers. I wouldn't ask them, either.
(5)
Report

My mother does not know l'm her daughter...and on a bad day she wishes l was dead! So l'm sure those of us that have a mother that's miserable for the most part except when her family comes to visit. She does rememeber her 3 children. She also seems to enjoy them! My mom thinks her family has hired me to take care of her! She has shared some of her life with me because I'm not family to her! But she had a horrible childhood, so l don't want to ask many questions, especially now that she seems to be depressed! I just want her to have a better ending than her beginning!
(5)
Report

Very good questions. My Dad told me stories all my life about his exploits, about his early life, his war service, the three times that he nearly lost his life but survived, his work at various times in his life, how he built a business from one piece of equipment to make money to buy other pieces, of how he saved, how he made more money per week at his part-time job from home in the garage-and-a-half that he build himself. I learned this throughout my life and benefited from the stories, using them as a how-to. Find out about the ancestors. The great-great-grandparents, cousins, etc. Stories about their siblings. These are more personal and telling about the family culture than learning about fads and hairstyles. How did the person feel about the coming of WWII? When you saw the Hindenburg fly overhead on its way to Lyndhurst, NJ, what kind of a day was it? What were you doing at the time? Why didn't you want to skip those two grades in grammar school when offered? I have the answers to all of this.
(3)
Report

My husband (who is from Sweden) will be "interviewing" his parents while we visit over the holidays. They are doing well so he's thought ahead :) I'll pass on these questions for him to consider adding to his "interview". Thanks!
(2)
Report

I not only asked many of these questions, I also recorded my Mother's answers so I now have not only a better insight as to who she was but her voice telling me. She was in her mid 80's and thrilled that I cared to know more about her. I only wish we'd started to do this earlier as it was a bonding activity.
(4)
Report

I am feeling so sorry that I did not connect with my dad when he was alive. I have just found out in the last 2 years that his tour of duty during WW2 was so tramatic for him. He fought with the 36th division and saw so many of his army buddies killed. He never spoke of this to anyone in our family. How I would love to talk to him about his dreams, his thoughts, and thank him for being such a hard worker.
(6)
Report

To Give a Hug - You are missing the point. Although we spent the first 20 years or so living with our parents, in most cases we really do not know that much about them as a person. Our parents were busy being parents not friends so we were not the ones with whom they shared this information. I believe it is really important to know who are parents are as individuals. What unusual experiences shaped their lives? What dreams did they have as young adults? Did they fullfill those dreams or do they have regrets? This is an opportunity to really know the people who raised us and it is a real opportunity for our parents to leave their children and grandchildren a legacy of a life lived, challenges faced, dreams fullfilled, and wisdom gathered. Fantastic article.
(6)
Report

As important as these questions are, I would suggest that it's the place to end, not necessarily to begin. Often, what's most important to a person, whether they are an elder or anyone else, can be best determined by either having a normal conversation or asking a very open-ended question.

In elders whose memories are beginning to fade or are having any cognitive issues, asking a very direct question can be confrontative, making them more aware or what they are losing.
(4)
Report

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter