I'm struggling here. The stress of living with and caring for my grandmother is too much. She has been verbally abusive towards me since I was a child living with her. I have suffered from depression for much of my life, as well as an autoimmune disease which has wreaked havoc on my body over the years, and is aggravated by stress. I do my best with my grandmother, but she appreciates nothing. Only puts me down viciously and curses me out. Being back with her makes me remember all the terrible feelings I had as a child because of her verbal abuse. Am I supposed to allow myself to be stressed, depressed, and sick? She doesn't care. What are the options for someone who can't afford (or maybe won't pay for) live in care?

I am struggling with patience, I can only last for so long then I blow. My mother has always been narcotic, but now as she ages it's much worse, she is to irrational to hold a conversation with, and the drama, confusion, verbal abuse and temper tantrums, I had no idea this would happen, where is the sweet old grandma? Not in my house that's for sure, more like the wicked old lady gunning for yah. My mother lives with us, I take it year by year now, not sure how long we can continue to hide out in our home to avoid confrontation. She has to run of the house while everyone else locks themselves in their room until she goes to bed, when it's safe to roam the house.

Just today, my mom says she wants to get out of this place. ( Nursing home) I placed her there after much trying to allow her to live with me. She has not wanted to live for 6 years. My father diagnosed with dementia in 2011 is deceased since 2014 at age 91. It was a hard decision, but she has 24/7 care and I can be her daughter again instead of her caretaker.

I agree with the comment about the fact that they become more and more self-absorbed and narcissistic. My mother was always a beauty in her youth and still looks great for almost 91. She stares into mirror and primps for probably 2-3 hours a day to go absolutely nowhere. I guess I'm glad she still has pride in her appearance but was very taken back when I went for a much needed pedicure after a very hard work week and dealing with home repairs. Long story - but she sort of threw a little hissy fit and made comments about it. I finally lost it and started yelling that she rides me about everything even though I am a single home-owner - no boyfriend either - and I take care of everything. All the maintenance on the home, car, yard, appointments, and do most of the grocery shopping PLUS work full-time. She then retorted that I could get picked up for "elder abuse"...ahhhhh that about did it for me! She has moved back in with me and I'm finding it harder and harder to have any feelings for her at all. I know that sounds horrible but it's true. I compare it to a loyal dog - the most loyal of dogs will bite you if you keep abusing it. If ANYONE is being abused it's me...I told her I am not your personal slave for you to bat around because you are OLD! She can't hear and won't get a hearing aid - she needs a cane but nope - holds on to everything including me when we go anywhere. Dealing with not only elderly but also stubborn people is very hard.

I had to do the same with my mom a few years back on two separate occasions since she had each hip done separately. It was definitely not easy so I understand what you're going through. I ended up having a neighbor come in because I had to get back to work. Can you get someone to come in and relieve you sometimes? Also, does he like online games? My mother loves those and they keep her occupied. The best thing to relieve your stress is to have some alone time. I sometimes listen to meditation binaural sounds. If you look it up in YouTube and put headphones on, I guarantee that it relaxes your mind and puts you in another place. Let me know if it works for you.

brdlvr1, no you didn't make a mistake bringing your Mom closer to your home. I think what is happening is that are aging parent(s) still view us as "kids" who don't have jobs or responsibilities at home. Thus they can't understand why you can't stay longer, or do this or that for them.

I use to have that problem, but my late Mom would understand when I said I couldn't stay because I have clothes in the washer [because on wash day Mom would take the whole day to do two loads of wash, still would hang the clothes on a clothes line, etc.].

As for bringing in a caregiver, tell your Mom the caregiver is there to help you, brdlvr1, because there is too much work for one person to do, and that your doctor says you need more rest [therapeutic lies are needed in cases like this].

Ah, the Assisted Living talk. After my Mom had passed I took my Dad to visit senior living, I was lucky as Dad knew his house was too much work, even with a caregiver. Dad loved living in senior living, said he wished he would have moved in years earlier, but he knew my Mom wouldn't have budged from their house.

The senior living place was so nice and comfortable, I wouldn't have minded selling my own house and moving into one of their apartments myself :)

I like how you said "narcissistic and self-absorbed". That is exactly what I'm running into now. The minute I walk into to her apt., I have to forget anything I brought to her or anything I have to say. First, I must sit down and listen to everything she has to say. If I don't look as interested in what she has to say, she gets very defensive. Whenever I talk about something that interests me, there's little conversation. It's mostly everything comes out of her brain, but she doesn't want to take anything in. I realize she is 91, but I also think it is her personality. My husband has always said that she's more interested in her own self.

I just started with helping my mom out. I moved her closer to me, but now she is expecting me to be there just about everyday. I mentioned a caregiver, and I can tell she isn't thrilled about it...just someone once a week to help out. When I get ready to go home, she says I'm in a hurry to leave. What she doesn't realize is that my life is going down the drain. I get home about 4:00 now, and my day is gone. God forbid I mention the possibility of Assisted Living in the future! Then she gets very resentful saying that's where I really want her to go. Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake bringing her closer to my home.

Can you talk with his doctor about the outbursts. Maybe there is some med that can calm him down. Is this new since surgery or was he like this before?

My husband just had hip replacement surgery, I'm working and taking care of him, and he's not the best patient , I feel overwhelmed , he mean all the time, and has outbursts, I've been fighting with him, he should have went to rehab, but threw it all on me.

Been reading this site for months.This is my first post. My nearly-90 y/o mother lives 7 mins away from me in her one-story condo.Her balance is very bad (walks with a footed walker), only has sight in one eye, very light-sensitive, has atrial fibrillation. Bad depth perception. Her short-term memory is going. I've noticed that when I'm with her at the doctor's that she either doesn't hear (refuses to get hearing aids, of course), doesn't process or doesn't remember what was said. Still drives (she would gladly give it up, but I am dreading this -- she only drives certain places and never at night or on the highway; parking is the biggest problem).

I have 3 brothers, all out of state. 2 of them come a few times a year and stay for a few days. One never comes (in fact one time he didn't visit my parents for FIVE YEARS, and he wasn't in the Amazon jungle -- he was a few states away!).

I don't want to be her caregiver. She has EXCELLENT LTC insurance, but has told me she doesn't want to use it. (She gets a return on her premiums if she doesn't use it.) All monies except for one very small savings account are in a living trust. 2 of my brothers are the successor trustees, and are also limited agents for her mutual fund company.

I take my mother to some dr. appts. When she had her aortic valve replaced 1-1/2 years ago, I stayed with her afterwards for a few days.
But 16 months ago she pulled a muscle, and was pretty helpless for 8 days and nights. I had to stay with her because she'd been prescribed strong painkillers. She couldn't do anything -- had to have help bathing, had to be pulled up from the toilet, help dressing, meal preparation, etc.

We had a bad verbal fight last week. My mother says that "anyone" would have done what I did for those 8 days and nights, and that my husband does more for her than I do. She had also told the elder law attorney last year that I couldn't be a successor trustee, because my husband might pressure me to take money out of her trust for his business. When I told her she'd said these things last week, she yelled at me that I don't remember things correctly, and that I am not "right in the head." She was furious when I told her that professional live-in help for 8 days and nights would have (conservatively) been in the range of $1500 - $2000 dollars. She has no conception of the TIME it takes when I take her anywhere -- one medical appointment will turn into a 2, 3, or even 4 hour odyssey.

She asked someone once at her coumadin clinic, "What do people do who don't have daughters?" And said to the opthalmologist I took her to when her vision was blurry in her one good eye (resolved itself, luckily) that I was lucky she was so easy.
I never had a good relationship with my mother. She was always rigid and controlling. Those features are now enhanced, and she is OCD about certain things. (When I stayed with her for those 8 days, she ordered me around and had to have every little thing a certain way in accordance with her rituals and obsessions.)
My brothers are sympathetic but in other states. I send them e-mail updates.
I have told them that my mother is NOT moving in with me when she needs more help. I worry that if she uses her LTC insurance for in-home help, that I will still have to be very involved. I can't imagine anyone will put up with her demands.

She refuses to look at assisted living places (she won't qualify just yet to receive the LTC insurance payout, but I can see it in the not-so-distant future). So I will have to make the decision in a crisis situation. (She has told me she will make the decision when the time comes, but of course that probably won't happen.)

I am very anxious about how this controlling woman is going to further affect my life. I work for my husband, so fortunately do not have to take time off to deal with her.

Last week she told me that maybe she should have moved to be near one of my brothers (she and my dad -- now deceased -- moved to my city 27 years ago). I would love that! Then I could be remote and removed from her and her issues except for a few visits a year for a few days each time!

I feel like I have to "put up and shut up," and that I am expected to be her Daughter-Slave. I lost my young adult son 5 years ago and, quite frankly, don't have the emotional reserves or patience to deal with her. I also don't think that I should HAVE to.

Thanks for reading!

phoenix03, think of it this way, when your Mom was living at home she had very few things to keep her busy, now she has a ton of activities at the retirement community.... if she says "no" to all of them, then it is her own choice, and she has to live with that choice.

I know it's not easy. I am trying hard to reason that way, but ones parent(s) can still use the disappointed guilt face :[

As for your Mother not using the retirement community transportation, of course she won't because she knows that you will rescheduled your life to drive her wherever she wants to go. Regarding my parents, I have cut the driving in half. Of course Dad will threaten to start driving again. That use to drive me over the edge and I would get real upset. Now whenever Dad say he will start driving, I just calmly remind him he needs to call the car insurance agent and tell them he is now the primary driver. That usually quiets him.

Maybe in time your Mother will start bonding with the other residents and they can do things and go places together.

freqflyer, My mother wanted to move to a retirement community that had a community center and activities. It hasn't made things much better, just new complaints and new problems. She refuses to use the transportation they have to take residents to shopping and appointments. (so I have to take her) She rejected most of the activities they have, for one reason or another. She won't go on their bus trips. So she's bored. I'm feeling more depressed and stressed out.

Evicting the worry is like weeding a garden. If you only pull weeds more will grow. You have to plant flowers as well - lots of them. You can change your thoughts and/or select the ones that stay. When you find yourself worrying about your parents start to think of something pleasant. Plan a vacation - studies show that even just planning a vacation beneficial. Think about your goals for retirement - what you want to do. Develop a hobby etc.

"Set Boundaries
In her own experience and her work with other caregivers, Ms. Laverty has realized, "Many seniors become narcissistic and self-absorbed," she says. "All that matters is that their needs being met immediately. They demand and demand more."

Yes!!!

"At some point you're going to have to say ‘I can't do that right now.' Set boundaries and stick to them. Don't become an indentured servant."

Easier said than done.

emjo23, wow your Mom is 102, that is amazing. Imagine all the new things invented that she saw in her life time that didn't exist prior that we all take for granted today.

I hope some day I could take a day or two off and not even thing about my parents, but the worry has taken up rent in my brain and I can't seem to evict it.

ff -it is never too late to set boundaries, detach more and let go the guilt. I'm well up in my 70s and mother is 102. I have to decrease stress and what I do for her or my health suffers. Detaching will decrease the guilt. They can make other arrangements. You don't have to run around for them to your own detriment. You can say no. You can't afford not to. I have a health issue that was brought on by doing things for my mother. It flares up when there is too much stress from for work for her. She is cared for by others, mainly. It is the way it has to be. I do her finances and aid in health/personal decisions. It is more than enough. I am passing my experience on to you - don't let it affect your health. Take care of you. I take holidays and don't worry about mother. I need the breaks and sig other does too. Not giving that up for anyone.

How I wish I knew about Agingcare website back 5 years ago when I first started helping my aging parents. I would have been able to set boundaries right away and not be afraid of saying "no". It is so difficult to do that now after the fact, I had spoiled my parents.

Slowly but surely I was able to say "sorry, I can't do such and such this week" But I still feel the guilt and the frustration because my parents looks so disappointed. How I wished my parents would have moved to a retirement community where they would have had MORE freedom instead of waiting for me to drive them everywhere. Scheduling time off from work isn't all that easy.
My parents never had to do that for their own parents, so they can't relate.

With parents living longer, which is great for them, but really tough on the grown children who are pushing 70 years old trying to help 90+ year old parents... we are just too old to do this... we have our own age related decline health issues. We are not 30 years old any more !!

I agree with Cindy's 10 step program for caregivers. I recently became my mother's POA and I live 70 miles away from her. I have two siblings that live in the same town as my mother but have very little relationship with my mother. This has been a long drawn out problem for years. I am frustrated, angry but understanding. Perhaps my sisters' relationship with my mother has not been as positive as mine. And I am aware of situation in their past that have been hurtful and has cause a split in the relationship with our mother. However, I feel that it is time to focus on the here and now and realize as adults that our mother needs our assistance no matter how menial their help can be. I am also aware that we all work and have other family obligations; but it should not be all one sided. The most difficult thing is getting together with my sisters to discuss a way to check in on Mom during the week when I am unavailable. They have made too many excuses to why they cannot check in on our mother and I feel this is unacceptable. How can I remedy this problem?
Secondly, my mother has had problems with her bills and I need to work with her bank and set up automatic drafts so her bills are paid on time. She had been doing her bills for the past year without any assistance (her idea of independence); but she has left some major bill lapse and I had to "put out the fire" and get her bills back in order.
My biggest fear is that she will lose her home to foreclosure. She has a reverse mortgage and her balance is excuberent. She will never pay it off in her life time. I would like to see her downsize into an assistant living facility close to me where I can visit regularly and get her involved in local activities.
Finally, I just need some advice. Thank you--Kathy Dann; Lock Haven, PA

I`ve just started reading it but it seems sensible!

sheilagumm - $2,000 a month? 30 days a month, 66 dollars a day. Let's pretend that it's 8 hours a day, when it's really more like 20 hours. That's $8.33 an hour. I bet you made a lot more than that on your last job, and you got weekends off!

You probably can't get them to change their attitude, but you're right, you should be entitled to some paid vacation time, with someone else actually coming there to cover for you.

Sheila, that's just sad. It is a real gift for your Dad to be able to stay home. If he really can't travel with you for the closer family once in a while, maybe try Skype or something to connect them to what is really happening. It does NOT sound at all like Dad should be home alone IMHO if that helps any. Your judgement plus your caring means you are almost certainly making the right call here, not the folks who are miles away both literally and figuratively. Hey - how come they can't be guilted into visiting YOU?? They might end up being very glad they did. Not everybody gets to see four generations of their family together on earth at one time.

I have a wonderful, sweet and funny father. He is 96 yo. I love him and respect him. He has been unable to ambulate for a few years now, but he can transfer himself 75% of the time . He is Incontinent occasionally at night and pretty forgetful. I have been a long term and rehab. R.N. for 25 years. For the past 5 years I have been caring for my father in his home, where he has resided since 1964. ( I have had friends and relatives staying in my house for the past 5 years) I don't work outside the house I receive $2,000 a month from my father, which I pay taxes on, for caring for him I pay for most utilities, food, and misc. I have 1 sibling that lives 1 hour away and another who lives 2 min. away. They feel like I should stay with dad 24/7 because I get "paid". They threaten to put him in a nursing home when I say I need time off. I have left a few times for a week and paid my nephew a small amt. to stay with dad. My brother is financial POA. He is single and retired. I have 2 daughters and a grandson whom live 60 miles away and a son and 2 grandchildren that are 800 miles away. They get so angry with me for not visiting very often. I do go to my daughters for a few hours on special occasions. I really worry about my dad when I leave. My brother says he will call him to make sure he's O.K. I have stayed all night, but they really put a guilt trip on me. I really don't know how to say no to my siblings. I am getting depressed and I've gained 50# in the past 5 years.

@vstefans, thanks. It is hard to watch a parent who did things, was determined, just "turn off". I mean I got mom a place to live that would give her the independence she wanted, with the meticulous decor she craved, along with the protection for my dad with his dementia where he could not leave the facility. It was perfect! She chose to shut down. You cannot force people and that is what is the saddest of all, but its part of the grieving process.

Now that both of my parents are gone, I have to tell you.... I don't miss mom in the least. I wish I could say I did, but she was narcissistic to a fault. Dad I miss, but with his dementia, I don't miss the level of care and work. But I miss his kind spirit even with dementia. But I don't regret one thing I did for either of them. I went to the mat for them as their only child. Legally, financially, health wise.... it was not my choice, but a duty I accepted WITH boundaries I had to learn to set to some degree. Remember, not everyone has the sunshine solution or "ending".

To All Caregivers: One of the best kept secret to surviving as your role as a caregiver is to take your loved one to ADULT DAYCARE! If your loved one has medicaid and other insurance, check with with their insurance to see if it covers it. My grandpa's medicaid pays for up to 5 days of his adult daycare! I get alot of respite when he's at daycare knowing he is being watched and being around other people and he is being fed there. They also do activities. Again! Remember! Adult daycare! Woohoo!

One of the really good Arkansas geriatric/"longevity center" docs says that there are two kinds of elders - those who are engaged in life and in the community, and those who are not. It does not have as much to do with how sick or disabled you are as you might think. It is more of a basic life decision what to do with what you have. It maybe a personal balance of being safe, being, happy, and being connected that everyone selects for themselves. Being connected tends to make you happier, and it tends to mean that when its time for your funeral, a lot more people will show up.

I have gone to two funerals for moms of my colleagues at work, who were very connected people, and had withdrawn only partially from all their activities during their last months when they just weren't well enough. Their homegoing celebrations filled up their churches to the rafters. Literally - even the choir loft was packed. In contrast, ny mom had a handful of friends come to her service at the funeral home. A preacher who didn't even know her came and did a good job of sharing some thoughts about her life and her passing. So, I'm a little jealous of my colleagues who received and witnessed an outpouring of love and support, whose moms will be missed by the greater community...and yet I also realize that my mom was being true to herself and did what she thought was best...I think she was more focused on being dignified, less vulnerable to criticism and making mistakes. I will try to be different for myself, but I understand now that those values were not something I could ever have changed for her no matter how much I wanted to see her have a bigger world and fuller life. Mom did the best she could, and if the answer is not more or different antidepressants, it may be in acceptance and support as Mitzi PInki says so eloquently above. I did my best to get Mom out and about and sometimes there would be something she'd say "yes" to, and she actually did enjoy it...maybe we both did the best we could.

ive had a sister and a niece ran off by my mother for one simple reason. they treated her like a child and she resented the hell out of it. i have the best of results dealing with her because i permit her to make every decision. i advise her when shes having trouble making a decision but otherwise let her reason things out for herself. i see her struggling with a task that i could remedy in a matter of seconds but that would again be treating her like a child. put yourself in the wise older persons shoes. if someone talked down to me or tried to control me , at any age , theyde have a nightmare on their hands. my mother has fallen down a few times. when this happens i take my time and ask her how does she want to try to get back to her feet. a chair to grasp, a stool to pull up on, etc. just one example but shes in control and in turn loves me and trusts me with her life.. im 54 yrs old, shes 80. dementia or not shes still more intelligent than i am..

This article is a wonderful contribution to this site. My elderly mother who has Copd and still lives independently in her own home would love nothing better than if I came to live with her. Her reasoning is so that she will not be lonely and do the things for her she cannot do anymore. I have a life with my husband and pets in our own home. Does she really think I would abandon my husband and home to take care of her until she dies? Of course I said no, but I should have not been put in that position in the first place. My mother chooses to stay in her own home and should accept the limitations of her decision. Elderly parents should not expect their adult children to become a convenience to them and sacrifice their lives to care for them.

@sherilynn, hon, I just went through this with my mother for the past eight years. You can NOT make her do anything she does not want to do. My mother was on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and everything in between. If they do not have a will to do anything, all you can do is make her comfortable where she's at. I wish I could say I had a better answer, but sometimes it just is..... I know because I had to watch my mom decline for eight years after dad has his stroke and passed less than a year ago and after his passing, mom just regressed even further and she recently passed away.

As much as you can do all you can do, you can't force her to choose to live. Just enjoy her where's she's at the best you can and if you can't.... then know you did everything you can and you can live guilt free. That's where I'm at. :)

Amen!