Well, my 80 year old mother had a DUI 2 years ago, was found not competent to stand trial and I was appointed as her Conservator. She was Diagnosed with Alzheimer's (She exhibits pretty much all of the above traits listed in this article), but has subsequently been seen given contradictory diagnoses. She has evident short term memory loss,(she can go out for lunch, but 2 hours later is you ask her where she went she can't tell you) but she compensates...but she also exhibits elements of Paranoia (which has been the case for at least 25 years in my experience, but probably much longer-- She accused me of breaking in and stealing things and trying to burn the barn down when I was in my 20's). She also apparently was secretly an alcoholic for some time, unbeknownst to anyone. A most recent stay in a local hospital yielded a Doctors recommendation to place her in an assisted living or skilled nursing facility with strict orders to keep her away from alcohol which exacerbates her condition (Dementia, likely alcohol induced). Here's the problem...the State of Connecticut has a law which states that when a person is conserved only " the least restrictive means possible" may be imposed. So the judge will not let her go to assisted living or let me keep her away from alcohol if it is against her wishes. "That's her choice" she says. After 2 years, of this crap, I am giving up... there is nothing I can do to help my mother and I am planning on resigning as conservator. I am so outraged at a system which would enable my mom to self-destruct and not get her the help and services she needs. Part of the problem is that my mother is in every respect physically tip-top shape. You'd never know she was 80 years old. She also had a very high IQ prior to the onset of her dementia or Alzheimer's (or whatever it ends up being labeled) and is able to compensate and mask her problems so that people who don't know her think she is completely fine.

My mother was recently hospitalized for a surgery. She came through fine as far as the surgery and medical side of it. The problem is, she yelled at people and acted helpless. She wore diapers and yelled help instead of pushing the button for the nurse. The staff were kind and professional but I know they were glad to see her go. I wanted to hide under a table due to her rude behavior and lack of manners. It was cursing and screaming and having a tantrum to get her way. She has improved some since she came home but it has blown me out of the water. I just don't know what to think. She has become more and more rude over the years and she wasn't like that when she was young. I don't see the signs of Alzheimer's that were posted. I guess it is loss of control in her life. It isn't easy on my sister who lives near her and takes care of her.

you are so right about sadness. i have tried the 'bridging of the gap' - my sister is not interested. and my mother, well, its probably a long story and sis has her reasons. while some of us would let bygones be bygones, some of us will not.

ohhh... that's sad! she's wanting you to bridge that gap then; maybe she burned bridges and can't reach out to your sister, but maybe she thinks/hopes you could reach out to the niece or arrange something...after all, at some point, whatever happiness a 90 year old can have in the rest of their days - which may be a good long time or not nearly long enough - should begin to matter more to somebody than an old feud.

vstefans - agree with you about mom playing with the baby - the baby is my niece's, and my niece's mother (my sister) has very little commerce with my mother. My sister and my mother barely speak, so long ago, niece was turned against mom, thus, absolutely no communication there. A baby in mom's life would be a happy thing.
As for mom's cognitive impairment, she seems to have poor short-term memory, but it doesn't seem to rise to the occasion of dementia quite yet, tho i'm not entirely sure. Her doctor doesn't seem to think it does. Thank you for your input.

to maylenestreasure - in grandmom's case, it sounds like dementia on top of chronic difficult personality, with deterioration in judgement and memory, plus or minus depression...moving her may make things worse as she may not be able to cope with anything unfamiliar. getting her in to a psych eval would seem important, and is there any chance she could stay where she is and your aunts (her daughters) step up their efforts to make sure she is safe, or would you have to involve an Adult Protective Services agency? do the aunts know that you and your mom are NOT actualy stealing her money or hiding anything? will they tell you how bad the situation actually is or isn't? so many people think dementia is not until you can't recognize anyone or remember your own name, and might actually believe some of what she has told them.

mamaj - agreed, she does not sound demented, but maybe she just deeply wishes she could visit and play with that great grand-baby, be more a part of his life, and indulges in the fantasy/magical thinking...maybe it would be good if she could see him more?

mom lives alone. she cooks her meals (most of the time), does her own laundry and ironing, still bakes for the church, drives to her usual known destinations, has impeccable grooming, and from all outward appearances, seems to have mild cognitive impairment at 90 years old (some memory loss, occasional skipping of meal or medicine, and up walking around the house some nights really late.) she has had several falls, too.

but here's the eerie thing. she thinks this one picture of her great-grandson is real. she leaves the tv on "for the baby" and "he really likes the waltons especially." she says he never makes a sound - "he's such a good baby." at night, she takes out this shawl and wraps it around his picture so he "won't be cold." she even will sometimes say "i know its just a picture" but in the next sentence she is saying "he never takes a nap, but he watches tv and we play sometimes."

yikes. how weird is that? no matter if you explain to her its a picture, she will tell you she knows that, but still talks to it like its real. she leaves the tv on when she goes out so "the baby will have something to watch." mind you, she never sees the REAL baby. she saw him once, i think, 6 months ago or so. i gave her a paper with a circle on it and asked her to draw an analog clock, arranging all the numbers, then make the hands point to a good time to eat supper. she drew, with perfection, the clock, and the hands pointing to 6:00. everything was spaced perfectly and done in 3 - 4 minutes. remarkable. what does anyone make of this? early dementia? she doesn't seem to lose stuff - i've been with her to the doctors and the doctor thinks she's all good. i told the doctor about the baby, but the doctor was unimpressed. its creepy.
thank you

I'm writing to get advice and learn more on the subject. My family and I relocated states away from my elderly (76 yrs. old) grandmother, while we were there for more than 30+ years supporting her (ie. Dr's, checkbook, errands, transportation, grocery store, etc.) not as it was needed, she just wanted the company, now she is more than lost and shortly after we left she had heart issues and was suppose to be on medicine. My grandmother drinks beer daily, she smokes almost 2 packs a day, she stays home and has always been verbally abusive. Now, she doesn't seem to leave the house or do her normal errands, she tells me via phone her house is a mess, she can't do her checkbook, everything is a mess, etc.

Like I said, she has always been verbally abusive. Maybe she is more forgetful, I know that she is confused. I have been trying to help her with the "shop at home" issues (bills & payments, etc.), but now more money has "disappeared", she has blamed my parents for missing money prior, now she is more accusing to my mother. My grandmother has 5 kids, 4 which have been out of her life for more than 15 years, my mother, myself and my brother have been the only ones there for her.

Now since I have left a couple of her daughters (who have been out of the picture) are going by her house occasional. I tried to set up a phone call so that we could all discuss her needs, neither one wanted to be apart of it. My mother would love to be involved and has helped her whenever she needed it, until I moved, now that my grandmother has told everyone that mother has stolen her money, used a POA, crazy outlandish things, which I do know because I've kept her bank records for over 20 years. She has always been a little nuts, but where do we draw the line? When do we say "intervention" time. I have offered to move her here, which she says she needs to get out of the state, but after reading some entries, I'm not sure if I could handle it alone without other family. I keep telling my grandmother the same things over and over again and she doesn't seem to understand or get it, my frustration level with the obscene phone calls daily (at min. 4 per day), yelling, screaming, rambling, accusing I cannot take it. What should be done? I have spoken to her Dr. previously should I contact him? Should I encourage her to move? Should I keep trying to contact her other children to intervene? Our family isn't close and never has been, my grandmother is extremely difficult to get along with and I strongly feel that depression has kicked in. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.

It is important to remember that we all feel these emotions and feelings of inadaquacy. Watching your parents decline and become helpless and almost like strangers is not anything we were trained or taught to do. People are living onger and thigns will be happening that we simply do not know how to handle. Rwemember that you are not alone and someone out there knows what yuou are feeling. The feelings of emabrrasment and shame as well as the frustrationand emational pain. No one wants to see their parnet go through this and the thought that maybe it will go away soon or "be over with" is normal. Yes we feel guilty when we admit that we have those thoughts but be kind to yourself . In today's world, ther eis simply too much gong on all around us to sit back and have everything perfect. It hurst ma very mich to watch and I felt alone at first/. My brother and sisiter could not emtionally handle the situation for many years, so it was me. They coped the best way they could nad I had to so the same. Anger arose as my life faded away and was filled with taking care of the people that were not supposed to do this. They were supposed to be the strong rocks of refuge that we all knew and grew up with. Be glad that you are going through it. I would not trade my years of it for anything now. As I buried both of my parents, I was able to walk away withthe satisfaction that their last days on this earth were as confortable and happy as I could humanly make them. My conscience is clear and I have no regrets. Now my life is mine and the future is bright and happy for me.

4everhopeful I agree 100% with you. I went through the same thing with my Mom last year.She also had a stay in a Geriatric unit in the hospital. Still one has to be very careful of over medicating.They once again did this with my Mom at the home, and we had to start over again.She is ok now,thankfully. As I said in the past not all meds are ok ,because everyone re-acts differently! Sometimes too many hands in the pot(doctors) can spoil things as well. We have to keep on top of things all the time!!!!!!

My experience has shown that your primary physician can determine if your loved one has signs of Alzheimers, but the best doctor to have your loved one accessed for this disease is a Geriatric Psychiatrist. After the 4th hospital stay I "strongly insisted" my mother have a psych evaluation. It is important that the doctor be a geriatric doctor if your loved one is an older adult. My mother stayed for 2 weeks and had a full, 24 hour a day, evaluation. She was diagnosed with Alzheimers with behavior disorder, sundowner's syndrome, anxiety and depression. She also has COPD, so ALL her medications had to be coordinated. I found out that some of the medications she was on for her COPD were making her mental condition worse...AND some of the anxiety meds her regular physician gave her, was making her breathing worse! Now...she is SO much better!!

What kind of doctor do we go to see to access our grandmother for Alzheimers? We do not have POA. Would we have to go to court to gain guardianship or does the doctor sign papers for us to attain guardianship and the ability to put her in a nursing home?

We that take care of our love ones with dementia have to remember its not your Mom or love one its the disease. Its hard for me and I keep trying to remember its the one you love its there disease I try to say that over and over. We need to hang in there.

My Mom had most of these symptoms and her old doctors said dementia. This went on for a couple years. A trip to ER revealed she had hydrocephalus. A VP shunt took care of most of her symptoms. So... if doctors would just order a common head CT scan, they might accurately diagnose something other than the easy answer.

Yes, go get ALL the information you can on help with financial needs of taking care of her! Go to other agencies, area on aging, try pre-paid legal services. Pre-paid legal services are about $17 a month and can provide legal help. Do the internet also. Great advice is out there. See about getting paid for caring.

Suspect not picked up here in UK as can't cure & don't want to address the social funding issues causing negligent treatment when acute. There are now medications to assist if picked up earlier one is short term memory/perception so the pace of progression is reduced.As the government are benefitting financially I am sure why the situation doesn't improve as no discretion is shown .

Maure,Sorry,I asked my Mom out front if she felt something was happening,to this day,SHE IS PERFECTLY FINE AND ABLE,her words, so I just do what has to be done,she cant find the right words to complain so she gets angry for a while and forgets,then all is well. :)

Thank You for your coments,The same thing goes on here, my Mom distrusts me, and I am the one who gets to do all the lousy stuff,fortunatelly, I have learned to let things pass,and do the best I can,medications will not take away emotions,neither theirs or ours,we just have to pray and remember that one day we might be in their shoes ! Today we have a celebration,my Dad will be 90 tomorrow !
Have a nice one !!

There are pencil and paper tests for Dementia, however. This, at least, warns you of danger. We had one Meals on Wheels client in a small town that everyone knew was a dangerous driver, but no one would do anything about it. Lawyer daughter lived in another province. It does mean that adult children/spouses can sit down and prepare, make plans, determine needs. For e.g. I put dad in a retirement home, when he should have had a long-term care. Big mistake, as we had to move him 2 mos. later.

Not many Drs can pinpoint these and the familly members are afraid to accept the diagnosis,and then what is the point, if there is nothing we can do about it !!
Its like learning to live with the elders and roll with the punches, You can never be too prepared, I read everything there was when I saw my Mom being ill,but all the rest of my familly was in denial,by the time they accepted something was wrong, two years had passsed and it is worse!!

Mother was acusing me of selling her clothes, is always suspicious of me, thought I was coming into her apt while she was gone (Lunch) has no trust in me
but i'm her only legal/health guardian.
She was documented with dementia in medical files but wasn't paying attention
when Dr. and I spoke of it. When he mentioned medication to help dementia, she got extremely angry
I don't know if she realizes something is wrong {if I bring up the subject she'll accuse me of making others think she's crazy} She adores my husband but I'm
not sure how that would go either, I don't want to cut off all communication even though she has told me "she never wants to see me again , don't call and don't come over". She's asked forgiveness for those accusations, that makes me think she does not have dementia.
Then this evening on the phone she told my husband "something is wrong , when I leave the apt, someone comes into her apt and takes her clothes while she's gone."
It's like she knows something but can't figure it out and I don't have a way of explaining to her what could be wrong without her going off the deep end and losing it on me.
Please..any suggestions are welcomed.
btw, she does have 2 knots on the left side of her neck and dr has given her two more years to live.
Thanks for any help.
maure

At some point she will probably go to her doctor for something else and then maybe the Dr can approach the subject. The dr. can't divulge what is discussed unless she gives permission, but you can talk to the dr. & let them know your concerns and let them take it from there. You should make some notes, it would be helpful, but you can't make her do anything about it if she's not a danger to anyone. Drs. usually have experience in helping patients understand what is happening & she might listen to a professional better than you.

Document it all. Until she's a danger to her self, there is little people will believe. All the best.

I believe my mother is showing signs of Alzheimer's yet no one in my family will admit or listen to me. I've asked my mom several times to talk to her doctor but no way will she do it, says its just her age. She is 64, her mom also had Alzheimers and I know this has always been a worry for my mom to think she is going to get the disease. My dad will not admit it, says moms just fine. My son who spends alot of time with my mom sees it and tells me over and over how she keeps asking the same questions about an injury he has. She asked him 4 times within a few hours what happened to him. She repeats herself constantly and can't remember half the stuff we tell her within a short time but dang she can tell you who did what with who 25 or 30 years ago yet can't remember an hour ago. We can be heading one place and end up in a totally different direction. She blames it on having alot on her mind and just not paying attention. She gets frustrated alot, and very mad when I call her on something I've told her several times.If something throws her off we might as well forget it and call it a day, go back home cause it meses her up so bad. I don't know if I make things worse by saying "Mom don't you remember I told you this" and give her examples of when and what I told her or if I should just let her believe she was never told. Any suggestions? I have no idea what to do since I can't make her go to a doctor and can't get anyone else to believe there is anything wrong.

I should have also added Mom is in a nursing home near by. A year ago she had lived alone in senior housing. Mom has other ailments as well, which would have required 24 hour care. Still she will at times ask me what is wrong with her and why she forgets. I see now she is showing signs of parnoria at times. Example folks are talking about her. I visit her several times a week as does my sons. So she is covered. I was just curious how others handled this. As I said I see no point in telling them because it adds to the fear factor.

My Mother was never told as we were never maybe my father knew so the authorities didn't have to provide. My attitude was if she knew what was happening should never be although she used to visit the local care home as a volunteer .When my father died she constantly asked when he was coming home and never retained what had happened or the answers. They can however be a safety risk needing to be under lock and key . In first home the patients came to me saying 'when do we get out of here" so there was some comprehension though often confused !

Do you tell your parent they have dementia? I have often thought abou this question. As far as myself, my Mom has mild dementia, and I have opted not to tell her...why because I would think she would become more frightened knowing she had this. She has asked me at times why she forgets or how come she cannot recall a word.As I said if I said,"mom you have dementia" she would become afraid. I am just curious how others handled this...thanks.

In UK they deliberately do not diagnose so don't have to provide treatment and assistance social services allowing ambulance drivers to not take in when consciousness is lost as in case of multi infart dementia so money can be made by the Government via inheritance tax and no continuing care. Even the research is now not ongoing with Alzheimers getting all the funding. .

I sure identify with the "hardest thing you have ever done" part. Today I was reminiscing with a cousin and thoughts turned to how neither my other cousin or I realized what was happening to our rmoms. We let them do a lot of dumb things for a long time before someone ever stepped in and said no, they can't just keep doing what they are doing, you have to take over. With my cousin, it didn't really happen until she died suddenly at home, then the full extent of the hoarding and financial disaster came to light - to make thingds worse, my cousin had put her mane on the house adn the creidt cards and thus was saddled with all the debt and horrible creidt rating. WIth my mom, I did not do what had to be done until the second time she went into the hospital with delitium fro UTI or cellulitis and umpteen objective sources assured me that she could not live on her own again. It was still awufl to be the one who bascially had to take her whole world (and my childhood home!) apart and move her permanently into care.

Wow we are dealing with this right now she has alzheimers dementia and severe alcoholism and prescription drug prob. she's bipolare and manic depressive as well.....Not good combo we had the hardest time getting anyone to diagnose she would fall and hurt herself and the hosp. would send her to nursing home for rehab. but would always send her home even tho we would beg them to keep her she was a danger to herself......It took us right at a year to get all her med records together request it all.....Dr.'s ~ Rehab facilities~ home health care staff if she had them~testimony from anyone in family or neighbors that have experienced her issues first hand~and cover your butt if you are primary care person for her~ My mother in law when we finally found her assisted living place beautiful too she flipped out and called the police and adult protective services and told them we were going to take her against her will there and dump her and we wouldn't give her her debit card and check book and we stole her car......we would of never done such a thing~Adult Protective Service if they are ever called will stalk you and make you miserable....My advice is to document and copy everything and I mean everything keep reciepts if you spend any of her money paying bills or running errands for her......I accumulated 2 3 ring binders of information from her home and put them in clear protective paper covers in date order.....then have her put in hospital for her meds to be evaluated.....It took me forever but it only takes one person to really listen to YOU beg them to listen to you or look at your documentation of her actions from leaving stove on ~ (she opened the back door to let dogs out and never shut it in winter and got very cold yet she forgot she had a heater and turned on all the burners one which she was boiling eggs she fell asleep and was woke up to exploding eggs all over ceiling) If she has ever fallen or gone somewhere and forgot where she was.....or keep all stuff from home health care providers talk to anyone that deals with her personally on day to day basis or anyone whom has concerns.....you will eventually find the one person to listen or read the documentation ~NOTE if they try to send them home again....and they will you can refuse to pick her up tell them she is not safe and noone can watch her 24/7 and she needs 24/7 they have NO CHOICE but to place her in a long term facility....like my mother in law ~ found a sweet lady at the hospiital FINALLY by the grace of GOD pulled all her doctors together and they consulted one another and all agreed she needed long term care where she now safely resides permanently at the VA Hospital. It's for her own good and yours as well you may even contact Adult protective service with your info and see if they can help it's better they get a call from you than her making it sound like you are mean to her or you take her money or you are neglagent or don't care.....Trust me this was the hardest thing we have ever done it's ...well very trying...I know she has rights and she will tell you that but so do you I live in very small Elephant Butte NM where it was easy to get all DR together I hope and wish you the best of luck....right when you think you can't take it another minute you will find that one angel of a person who really feels your story and it willl work out it will.....Good luck