How are we to respond to our demented loved one when they say something accusatory to us?

Goodness, I just read what I wrote in 2017. For those still stuck in the situation, please know there is hope. I thought I was in bad shape now, but seeing my 2017 post I see that leaving her house saved me from going over the edge. I'm still my mother's executor, have POA when she needs it, etc, but I'm no longer doing the day to day stuff. (Of course none of my siblings stepped up.)

I'm not recovered completely (my situation is maybe not common on this forum as there was a lifelong pattern of abuse and lying, not necessarily dementia or, what I believe, made worse by dementia) but I'm not in the frame of mind I was then.

Just saying if you're still stuck, as the article says: consider leaving or doing the caretaking from far away. I was ready to kill myself back then and now, not so much. So there's hope for you too. Let's hope we can make it to actual happiness or peace one day....

Great article with the especially helpful sentence -for those of us who've dealt with a narcissistic lying parent all our lives - to get the heck out of Dodge. The writer puts it so delicately ("you may want to consider") but some of us (especially those of us with siblings who use parent's lies against us to benefit themselves) know we MUST leave or lose our lives completely.

My Alzheimer's-ridden mom once accused my husband of going through her purse. I was right there at the time. He was no where near her purse. She had $5 in there and a lipstick. I tried to reason with her that he did not need her money, nor her lipstick, but this reasoning fell on deaf ears.
In addition, she once accused my friends of coming over to try on her bathing suits! I again tried to reason with her, telling her that they had their own bathing suits, also, to no avail.
I had no idea of the complexities of Alzheimer's until we dealt with it. I even wrote a book, sharing our day to day experiences called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." One chapter is entitled, "Steel Yourself for Stealing." As a caregiver, I learned the importance of finding humor when you can, within the devastation of Alzheimer's.

My husband was diagnosed Dec. 2017 with frontotemporal disorder and mild neurocognitive disorder. He denies both diagnoses. After reading this article, I am wondering if I am beginning to see confabulation. A few days ago, some neighbors were unnecessarily noisy. While he was in the shower, I heard another neighbor talking, and the noise then stopped. I relayed to him that I thought Cindy might have asked them to quiet down. He then told someone else the next day, "Cindy went over there and yelled at them. She said, 'Cut out the noise boys or I'm calling the police.' " It is like he took what I said and created his own reality out of it. Am I accurate in saying this could be an example of confabulation?

Sometimes it’s lies that are not hurtful or damaging. My Father told nurses that he had been a school principal, for many years. He was actually a petroleum engineer! He would tell people outlandish stories about his life, often bits and pieces of truth sprinkled in, making it sound believable. He would argue that it was truth, we quit correcting or questioning him and just went with it, it was harmless and he would get agitated when questioned. I remember the first time I heard of confabulation. Quite a relief, actually.

It is distressing that an expert talks about people with dementia telling "hurtful lies". In fact, what they say is all part of the altered reality caused by the dementia, and it is their truth. We need to understand this and assist family members and caregivers to see the world through the eyes of the person diagnosed with dementia.

@MaryMary2 - I can empathize. My mom was divisive as well. She would go running from one sibling to another taking turns at playing favorites. She was always on the outs with someone and expecting others to take sides. It took us a long time to see the game she played and wise up to it, but it's done lasting damage and more than one sibling has picked up her game as well. The grandkids and other siblings pay for it. Nope, it's not dementia related, as much as nursing home staff and physicians would have liked to think so in Mom's case. They thought pills would fix it (they made it worse). There were times I had to stay away; was accused by the nursing home when I hadn't visited for 2 months that I couldn't just "abandon" her (I hadn't - I just couldn't visit because it wasn't good for either of us - or the nursing home for that matter).
One thing I will say is that when it's dementia, they don't know what they're doing. When it's intentional, and not dementia, it's a lot more devastating. My heart aches for what you are going through....

"If word gets out, Adult Protective Services (APS) and even the police may investigate the matter. To a caregiver whose loved one is blatantly lying about being mistreated, an investigation may be humiliating and seem like a waste of time and resources, but elder abuse is a reality for many seniors. These entities must look into all reports to protect those dementia patients who are actually telling the truth.
Most false accusations stem from a dementia patient’s inability to connect with reality."

In my case I believe it was either the nursing home or her doctor who contacted APS. I was furious that they were giving my mom black box drugs that only made matters worse and I knew would shorten her life. I fought back and reported THEM because it's abusive to drug people into submission. Mom was extremely difficult, but she didn't deserve that. Her counselor, whom I had previously known agreed that she did not have dementia; she was sharp as a tack, but the nursing home and physician insisted she had it. Those of us who knew her longer and were closer were aware of her manipulative behavior; her suspicious nature, etc., but she'd always been that way. I never did get the entire records to the charges brought against me, but they also did not stand. I was a mother bear and my mom was my cub. I was not abusing her in "refusing to let them treat her" - they were abusing her in pushing the black box drugs. Mom had a right to refuse drugs and as her POA I was acting in her best interest. I do not regret losing my temper and raging with those people who would have her die sooner rather than later. Pills did not make her happier. They just doped her into oblivion.

Blessings to all of you brave caregivers. I went through this with my mother, who finally passed away a few years ago at 103. I had been her sole caretaker for 13 years and I was ready for the funny farm myself. It took me a good six months to relax and calm down after her death; a doctor suggested that I might be experiencing PTSD, which makes perfect sense in retrospect. I wish I had caught on much, much earlier that it is utterly pointless to try to reason with a dementia sufferer; when I finally accepted that, things got a bit easier to take. I confess I had to chuckle about somebody sneaking in and filling the refrigerator with chicken; in my mother's case "they" were sneaking into the house in the middle of the night and leaving tubs and tubs of margarine, as well as an "oily substance" under the sink. She stopped going to church after the usher "switched" her walker for an old junky walker; and ever after she would walk up to complete strangers and say, "You know, this isn't really my walker. They stole my real one in church." Toward the end, she somehow, on her own, emptied the rather large coat closet in the front hall, and schlepped everything into her own closet in her bedroom, which had to have taken her quite a while to do. When I noticed that closet was empty, I told myself I was not going to mention it or ask about it because I knew she would have some wacko explanation that would make me mad. (Now I wish I had asked; I will never know why--just as well, I'm sure.) Stuff was constantly disappearing and various people were "stealing" from her. Then the "stolen" items would appear stuffed in the bottom of a drawer or behind the sofa or whereever. When such "stolen" items reappeared, it was because the thief returned them. These folks are sneaky; they absolutely lie their patoots off constantly, on top of everything else. I finally figured out that the best defense was to change the subject--again and again if necessary. I am an only child; a blessing in this circumstance, I think. At least I didn't have obnoxious siblings to deal with. May my formerly sweet mom rest in peace; and for all of you in the middle of this, may God grant you infinite patience.

thank you for this article. My mother kept insisting my brother pulled a gun on her and demanded all of her money, which of course didn't happen as he is out of state. i would find out she would tell all these lies about me to whomever would listen. It broke my heart and I didn't understand this part of the disease at the time, which I then finally stopped visiting as I was always in tears. Since then, we have moved on and all is good. This web page is so informative and I just want to say thank you! This site has assisted in the dealing with dementia much more effective and less painful.

It was the freezer that I supposedly filled with chicken that night. For me the best part was when she said, "I know what you are doing, and God will get you for this." (Can you hear the sounds of doom")

Golden, what stuck in my memory was when your mother called you at two in the morning demanding to know why you had filled her refrigerator with chicken.

It's this kind of experience that can make caregivers start thinking it's they who are losing their minds. Staying sane in a world of crazy is hard.

Hello, my grandmother pretty much raised me, I’m 55 years old. My grandfather passed away about twelve years ago. I’ve always visited four to five times a week. Up until five years ago I’d go by her house every morning about 6:30 and feed and take out her dog, burn her trash,take out her garbage,bring in her newspaper and leave a sweet note on her kitchen table next to her newspaper. One day about five years ago when I walked back into her house she was sitting in the living room with this odd look on her face. I thought maybe she was sick or something because she never got up before 9:00. I asked her what was wrong and she said “ you know what’s wrong, your stealing from me”. She accused my husband and I of stealing a mop, some screwdrivers, electric saw, pearls and some pants suits. She even convinced my uncle that I had done this. They changed the locks on her house and I didn’t see her for four and a half years. I would send her a card about every six months just telling her I loved her and was thinking of her. One day about a year ago she called and invited me out. I went and she just said she had missed me and we’d just forget about everything. I informed her we couldn’t do that. I said I wanted her to know that i’d Never stole anything from her. About six months later she had a top come up missing and was insinuating that I had taken it. We went through her closet and found it. It had slid off of the hanger. I told her then if she ever accused me again that I wouldn’t be out again. She begged for forgiveness. She’s always telling me bad things about my uncle and accusing him of gambling and taking her money. I’ve caught her in so many lies I can’t believe it’s the same lady that raised me. Her house is a mess and she sets her clothes and just puts them in the dryer and puts them back on. She had a dog that use to pee on her carpet but she says she can’t smell it so it’s ok. She refuses to throw any food away and eats stuff that is out dated often. Someone got her a cat after her dog passed and she’s not able to keep her house clean anymore. She’s 93 1/2 and very stubborn. Today she told me that her oil check for February hadn’t come and ask me if I knew anything about it. She claimed she asked her mailman and he said he remembers delivering it. Come to find out it wasn’t even mailed until three days ago and her mailman said he never spoke with her about it. She lies so much I don’t believe anything she says anymore and she talks bad about so many people. Is there a way to have her checked for dementia? She’s going to drive my away. Thanks for reading❤️

At the beginning of her dementia, mother was paranoid and thought that others were taking her stuff too. Once she claimed they had stolen her nightie. Then a few days later, she told me, happily, that the person who stole it brought it back, and they had mended it too!!! Wasn't that strange! She didn't get it that it wasn't stolen in the first place. Other things were found later in drawers or other places, but she claimed she didn't put them there. It is a sign of a broken brain. You don't know whether to laugh or cry.

We have played the game called "I can't find my wedding ring!" for over 4 years now. What was happening was it was too loose or too tight. Then Mom would take it off and hide it. Found it in clothes, q-tip box, wrapped in Kleenex etc. Now I know that is a classic sign of early stages of dementia. Now almost 6 years later it is not happening so much. It's a sad and very stressful time when they think everyone took something that belongs to them. I also wanted to laugh because she was looking for lots of stuff that to the best of my knowledge...she never had something like that in her house. In later stages now that has stopped.

I found your article about seniors lying very helpful. I am a full time caregiver for my wheelchair bound wife for over 20 years. We have a great relationship. Over the years I moved her mother in with us in a related living concept. She is 92 and is now starting to accuse me of things. She is very selfish and non appreciated of what we do for her. Yesterday at dinner she accused me of going thru her drawers, and in the past of removing things from her unit. I finally lost it and told her to go home. So I found your article helpful. Its hard to sacrifice everyday and not be appreciated of what I do for her daughter. Thanks

Oh my this is a blessing to read all these comments thank you to each and everyone for your honest experiences. Firstly, I love my mum even though she has broken my heart I have to still show my love. I also have been accused of stealing she never has said it to my face but behind my back to my sisters and then they carry the tails on their shoulders like a trophy 🏆 that is the worst part of dealing with my mums horrendous accusations. The last one was I had to by her pharmacy bill without telling her because she said all she has each day is an aspro and a sugar tablet it sounds funny but what happens next is a nightmare... she accused me of paying with her money everyones pharmacy bill that lives in the nursing home the bill was just over $540 for 1 year!! I was not allowed to keep any receipts or bills I paid she had to keep all her bank books and gets all her statements I just helped her pay bills when needed. After I got phone calls from my sister telling me Mum is telling everyone I am stealing I felt it best to move the financial side of things to my sisters. Well they have no idea of what they are going to have to deal with I have been coping accusations continuously from my sisters because of what my mum says to them. I have never spent one cent of Mums money most of the time I spent my own money because I was to scared she would accuse me of stealing. I am a Mum of a 18 year old son who has seen me go through hell and back with my family not just my mum this is the part that hurts most. I wanted my sisters to stand by my side instead they make further accusations behind my back all I can do is ignore it has destroyed my family and continues to do so why are families not advised or counseled as soon as the doctors realise what is going on!!! I feel let down by the system my dad was a war Vet and thankfully I can now get counselling to help me overcome this however the doctors should be pointing all families to this site if they don’t read fine but I feel most would and it would help not just the patient with dementure but the families and carers.

Dear marymary2. My heart goes out to you. I am also in such a tormented situation. When the lies aren't always dementia related, it just puts gas on the fire. Know that she isn't worth dying over. And to heck what people say. They aren't exactly in YOUR shoes! God bless you for what you've given with out any compassion from those who haven't given one day of their lives to help you out.

I am just sick and tired of breaking my back and then having my mother bad mouth me. She's destroyed my relationships with ALL of my family (siblings, cousins, aunts, uncle, niece, nephews) and since I've spent a lifetime being her free slave I don't have a spouse or children or even friends. I hate her and wish she would die. There I said it and I don't care. If you had the lifetime of abuse and lying from your mother that I had, you'd understand. The Alzheimers hotline told me it's not necessarily dementia as my mother has always lied to and about me and always been abusive. My goal is to get away this year - or off myself for being a sap my whole life.

I have been reading all of the comments and now realized how widespread dementia is. Last week my mother accused me of stealing her things. She accused me of stealing her computer which is in her house, her jumbo barrel which never existed, her "african ring" which I own one of my own among other things. I became very upset and recommended how she should call Best Buy and have them verify the serial number etc that the computer (which after a few minutes she said was in the house but wasn't hers) I recommended all the ways of disproving her accusations but instead she continued with the accusations , all of which were so far fetched that I was concerned that she was "losing it" which I said to her. Now after a week of researching and talking with other persons that she seems to be suffering from dementia. She seems to believe the things she is saying so I am not sure how to approach the situation to help her. I do not live in the USA and so I cannot offer first hand assistance and to be honest I am not willing to put myself in a position to be lied on and accused of stealing or any other accusations since at this stage I am not sure of what is going on in her head. I know she needs help but I have no idea how to approach it . For now I am just going to let things be and if the situations gets out of control where it becomes chronic and she cannot care for herself then I contemplate the next move. But I cant help but feel upset at the accusation because my integrity is being attacked, any suggestions.

tutie - as hard as it is, you have to accept that they are like this. You can't change anyone else. Your mum is very fortunate that you care. It would be a good idea to meet with the social worker and see what the plan is, moving forward. The other thing is, seeing that your mum is addicted to gambling, for you to attend a support group for families of gamblers. ((((hugs))))) This has to be very hurtful.

what do you do if your sibling wont help.. there isnt a mediator at all.. Mom has a social worker that I have not met.. we had to place monitors around the house cause she has accused of things that are not true... she has a very expensive gambling habit that she went through alot of money.. once again tried to inform my siblings about this and have not rcvd any help from them... I love my mom dearly and I am at a lost dont know what else to do..

My wife is 77 years old and had a stroke back in 2008. I took her to our family Doctor and that is what he told me and that she had progressive case of dementia. Her gait was unstable and I noticed she had trouble expressing herself and slurred speech. I got her a walking cain then a walker with wheels. She would fall if I was not with her. I'll zoom on to her present condition... She was in a nursing home and she told the nursing staff that I abused her sexually which is absolutely untrue. DADS and Elder Abuse people did an investigation. They finally dropped the case and said there was no evidence of abuse. I have medical documents from a Psychiatric/Geriatric hospital and her medical Doctor and her psychiatrist evaluated her thoroughly and proved that she has dementia/ paranoid delusions/hallucinations/agitation/hypertension and frequent UTI.....One underlying problem that many investigating agents overlook is that her medical report proved that her first husband abused her for 27 years, physically, emotionally and sexually. Her kids believe her even though she is in a paranoid and confused mental state. Her kids have inherited some of her and her first husbands mental problems. Her Doctor told me that this is a problem because if her kids believe there was abuse, even if Jesus Christ came and told them there was no abuse, they would not believe him!......Question: What can I do?

My mother was just diagnosed with dementia and her spouse can not handle it she is left alone a lot and he is always arguing with her she has already had four strokes and when he will not leave her alone I mean to the point where her heart is beating to fast and cannot stop crying Need help

Marymary2
So much of what you say is the very same with my mother. She even used to tell me when I was young. That she brought me into this world and she will take me out. Now she will say.....I wish you would just have a heartattack. So I UNDERSTAND everything you mean.

Marymary2
Amen to that!!! How much more pain can they give.

Sometimes the person isn't just sick. Sometimes the person has been combative and toxic all their lives. Some people lie because of illnesses but some people have trails of accusing people, lashing out and being narcassatic their entire life.

My mother was not a part of my life before dementia but now she calls me everyday with questions about why I don't visit her what should I do?

It is not deliberate lies !! They are dealing with memory loss and fragmented memories !!!