About 8 months after my father died mom emerged from her extreme grief and is often very angry. Dad retired before mom and took over many of the household chores in addition to repairs- for 30 years!. She resents that she has to clean up and do laundry. She is capable of most household tasks... I tried having help, there were always issues. My solution was to stop visiting so much- I really was not needed that much after repairs were caught up. We are both happier. She only calls me when something is wrong. To me that is very telling... Meanwhile I am renovating the bath in the small cottage I own next door to me as I realize at 89 mom is one fall away from needing to be cared for. She lives 3 hours from me.
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Seroquel is the most commonly used anti-psychotic in Nursing Homes throughout the world, based on my non-professional internet searches while performing as a caregiver for my wife. That said, every Country in the world has initiatives attempting to reduce the use of anti-psychotics, and utilize behavioral management approaches instead. However, the time expended on behavioral management can be enormous, versus the few seconds it takes to administer an anti-psychotic. That said, there is world-wide consensus that Seroquel is safer than the other, older, cheaper, anti-psychotics. My wife was eventually diagnosed as having mixed dementia, Alzheimer’s, vascular and Lewy Body. The Lewy Body folks CANNOT take anti-psychotics period.
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I think you should include "and other dementias", frequently Statistics show that up to 40% of Alzheimer's cases are a different form of dementia entirely. such as CADASIL.
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My Mom will be 96 in August. Two weeks after her 95th birthday she fell and broke her hip and fractured her leg. She did well through surgery, but two weeks later she had to have another surgery to remove a large hematoma. It has been a struggle, she is in a Nursing home and after many UTI's she has been a bit confused at times but mostly happy. We took her out for Mother's Day and everything was great. Today she had an outburst and acted crazy, screaming and making no sense, pretty scary. She calmed down and fell asleep after lunch. I thought things were going well but this has thrown me. Any suggestions. She is on meds for Parkinsons, a blood disorder and another med for crying outbursts. Help!
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It didn't address the problem of the persons resentfulfulness and anger at losing control of what they used to do. Then taking it out on their caregiver...BIG TIME.
Such as not being able to drive, do banking and chores like having the oil changed in the car....it is very difficult to live with this person. Yelling at me in public...saying embarrassing things...calling me down, and I try to remain calm and try to humour him...but sometimes just lose it. I am suffering anxiety big time. What do I do?
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I do agree because sometimes it may be a caregiver that the resident don't feel comfortable with or has harm the resident, and when they see them they get upset. I feel you wait until the resident calm down and make sure she is out of harm way of others, do not crowd them with people because they feel close in and it makes it worst. I also feel caregivers need more training and how to handle outburst because their are caregivers that get out of control. I also think if families were to sit down and watch videos about the disease maybe they would understand better.
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Yeah, great article. Based on this, I need to work on the Psychological disorders (be understanding that he's like this due to chemical imbalance in the brain) - and - my approach to him. I'm always in a rush. Hurry, hurry, turn, okay, turn, okay, turn. Turn, TURN, TURN!!!! sigh... I have even made my alarm go off earlier so that I don't stress because he's sooooo slow in turning when I'm trying to change his pamper in the mornings before I go to work. Doesn't help that he's getting deaf and doesn't believe he needs a hearing aid....
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Great Information.
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I truly agree with the "Good Communication" statement, but tell me, What the heck do you do, when the Dad is deaf as a doornail,refuses to wear hearing aids and now I have cronick laringidess?
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One important cause that is omitted and happens frequently, at least here is a UTI.
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lorrie1112, that's really hard, isn't it? A few weeks ago my husband thought he was at a bus station. He'd even packed a little bag, to go home. (He is at home.) I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry. There are no more buses today. Would you like to sleep in a nice comfortable bed tonight and get the bus in the morning?" And I took him into the bedroom. All was well, and he didn't remember that in the morning.

If possible (and I know how hard this is) if you can go along with the delusion of where she is and put her at ease about being at home later that might reduce her anger.
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My Mother gets confused and can't remember where she is. She says she's at several different places most all day. When we tell her she's not there but at home, cause she wants to go home, she gets mad at us and cusses us out. It's getting harder to put her at ease about where she is. Any suggestions on how to deal with this? We've even had to put her in the car and take her around the block to take her home.That's not working much now. I would appreciate some new ideas.
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my mother is having a hard time in the mornings when she first gets up she will calm down and get ok remembering she was out of control is this the same thing as sundowners is it considered sunrise
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stressed mom ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) have you seen any professionas, discucced it with your doctor, approached the office of aging, and/or social services fior an evaluation of your mu?. This is an impossible situation for you and your family, There is more that one person on here who had to have a violent family member removed to a facility. You are being abused and that is not acceptable and far too much for any family to cope with. Please first make an appointment with your doctor and talk with them, Hopefully your doc will have some ideas of the resources available to you,
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what do you do when you are flung into the position of caregiver and you have no clue whatsoever on how to handle stroke and dementia outbursts and physical blows complete with kicking and biting? and only enough to afford help twice a week?
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Dementia is a cruel disease. When one family member has it the whole family are victims. I am so sorry you are experiencing this, hurting.

How is Dad's mental health? How willing/able is he to learn more about your mother's disease and to change his behavior? That is what would have to happen for loving peace to return to the household. Mother is no longer able to control changes. Changes will have to come from you and from Dad.

I suggest you start with your own understanding and behavior. I know you have started the quest for understanding -- that is why you are on this thread. Good for you! Apply what you learn to your own interactions with Mom. In a way you are modeling good behavior for Dad. If you can get along with Mom without yelling and name calling that will be good for Dad to see.

As you get educated about the disease, try to bring Dad gradually along on the journey. Of course he is frustrated and sad and scared that his wife is changing so much. He needs to understand that this is not her fault. He needs to know things like the causes of outbursts explained in this article. He may need to learn about hallucinations and delusions and paranoia. Whew! This is not what he expected when he said "for better or for worse" ... but it is his current reality and the more you can help him understand it, the better for all.

What is Dad's learning style? Does he read? Would short articles you can print out and share with him suit him? Might he benefit from having a book or two to read about the disease? Many caregivers benefit greatly from talking to others in their situation. Finding a local support group for him to join might be good. (And going to one yourself isn't a bad idea!) Does Dad learn by listening? Is there someone who can talk to him about ways to interact with Mom now that she has this dreadful disease?

Unfortunately, by the time we become caregivers for a spouse with dementia we are often not at the peak of our own health. We may be set in our ways. We may be practicing some denial because we don't know how else to cope. It is awful to see your parent declining with dementia and I know you are in pain seeing that. But seeing it happening to a life partner is excuriating. Your Dad is in pain and anything you can do to help him understand and accept and learn to deal with this cruel disease will be a very great contribution to your mother's well-being, too.

Best wishes to all of you.
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how can i help my dad, mom is getting it, they yell and call each other names,there usally very loveing. now i just cry
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You must laugh or you will cry. I don't take it personally and try to lighten things up, re-direct, change the subject, etc. I know she's in there somewhere...and I know that she put up with my 2 yr. old outbursts...so now it's my turn. I have no answers for you, but I can tell you that you are not alone. Above all, I just love her and don't take anything too seriously (on good days). On bad days, I cry.
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dad has turrets syndrome and OCd(goes along w/turrets) as well as dementia,yea its whack most of the time and im alone dealing with it.as easy as it sounds (helpful suggestions etc) its difficult to find that area where one is able to remain patient ,tolerant on a consistent basis.yet,muddleing through is a capability i find astonishing everyday.(still very worn out though lol)
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She's been taken to see the dr. (not by me)
He wanted to perscribe something for her that would help and
she jumped up out of her chaird and screamed at him...I'm not taking and G.D. medicine and you can't make me.
Dr. crawled out of the room bc she surprised so much.
While in health care, (same facility), they'd give her meds and she'd hide them somewhere in her mouth and show me later when I visited how many she had hidden back.
Last week she told me over the phone she never wanted to see me again and don't bother coming over anymore.
What should I do?
I'm just a total mess
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ariley005, I think your mother needs to see a doctor about those mood swings and your dad needs to about his depression as well as a therapist would help. How are your moods doing in all of this? Your mother's medical problems need some outside objective input. So, write down all of your observations and since your dad has medical POA for her, he can take that list to her doctor without her having to know it and then make her an appointment.
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To dsm - just read your post. My 88 yr. old mom was like that - I'm an only child and took her shopping, to the drs., etc. did her bills, made sure everything was taken care of. (live 10 minutes away) She was mentally & physically able to do everything on her own and lived alone. She broke her hip a yr. ago, had multiple complications after that - went back and forth between the hospital & rehab. I was there every day doing what had to be done and making sure that her drs. were doing everything (I also was her health care surrogate). Whenever I walked into the room she treated me terribly - I would ask her in a calm manner "I see you didn't finish your lunch, didn't you like it?" (because if she didn't I would talk to the dietician and get her something else - looking out for HER) or tell her "you have your nice blue blouse on today, looks good". She would turn to everyone else in the room and very sarcastically say "see what I have to put up with". The nurses and aids were shocked because to them she was so quite, calm and nice - but me - different story. She was like a jeckel & hyde. She was soooo nice with her friends that came to visit (even before her fall) but as soon as I came in the room she would yell at me for no reason and they would be in shock. I finally got an answer from the Hospice Center - where she was for 4 days before she died last Oct. They told me that a lot of people are nasty to the one they are closest to - the one who takes care of them all the time and is always there - because they "feel they can" cause it's almost like we're obligated to be there and no matter how nasty they are to us - we will still show up! (gotta admit it's true - even though I was so pi**ed!) They kinda have a control over us - they can be nasty to us but know we will still be there for them the next day. Friends and nurses on the other hand - if they're not nice to them - well the friends may not come back to visit and the nurse may not take as good care of them if they're nasty to them - because there's no obligation there. Hope this helps you understand a little better, eve though I know how upsetting and frustrating it can be. If they were like that with everyone else it wouldn't be so bad - we just chalk it up to old age and being nasty - but being the target is no fun!! Good luck!
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I am concerned about my mother. She has become very angry and hateful. I do not know what to do, she has always been out spoken but lately she has had sever outbursts of anger, like she hates everyone and everything. My father has cared for her and he is becoming depressed. We are planning to discuss our concerns with my father and each other. We do not know how to help her or what to do.
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mother had an (another) outburst and accused me of selling her clothes, taking her set of keys and told me not to visit her again anymore at her assissted living apt.
Prior to all the above, she has already been taken to her dr, he perscribed something for her depression and she screamed at him that she wasn't about to take any medication bc she's not crazy like me. (her daughter. I am her legal guardian but not health..
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Maure
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Thank you ! My mom's anger is in the form of short answers and doesn't want to carry on a conversation with me. It's going to get worse Dec. 1st when she moves to the nursing home side of where she is now. But I have Hospice to help me, and they are a God send ! I know God will help me through this ! He has so far ! Nice to talk to people who are going through the same thing.
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I too am experiencing the outbursts of anger. When I notice my grandmother becoming agitated or frustrated, I start asking her questions about the past which she seems to remember better. That kind of takes her mind off being frustrated and go back to a better time in her head. Sometimes I have to go into my bedroom and ask God for His Strength, Grace and Mercy and to help my patience level. He is gracious and He gives it to me. Prayer not only changes things it changes everything!
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I try to get to the root of the outburst and hope this list helps.
re-direction: favorite snack, "Mom, could you help me look for my lost blue sock, you are so good at finding things." "Does anything hurt?" ( urinary infections are so common), mmm I'm thirsty, let's get a nice cool drink", "Let's make cookies for the grandkids!" Water color painting (no rules), soft old music, DVD of kittens or pups playing, picture albums, collage making. Folding clothes. Usually there is an underlying frustration, pain, hunger, thirst, need to still be "On the move" We use these for our Mom and at the long term care facility I work at. Hugs to you.
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to: dsm: It's human nature to lash out on those closest to you. Young or old. If someone is "losing" it, they may not have the skills to bite their tongue and behave rationally. If you're there, you are the target.
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Does anyone have the answer to the question: Why are they mad at the ones that are there all the time for them, and do everything for them? Why are they just fine with those that don't come to see them and don't do anything for them? I guess it's just the disease, and you have to get thick skinned because they aren't who they used to be anymore. But sometimes it's very hard to have thick skin !
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Keeping a daily journal helps me. Also, I write in my non-published blog. It is a great reliever, and I can read it back to myself, to get a better insight of just what I am feeling, so that I can make any corrections or change my expectations and make things better. My Mom is 86 and I love her. I live with Mom at Mom's house and she likes to remind me of that, when I am not meeting her needs or get frustrated trying to get things done at Mom's pace.
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