Here’s my perspective for dating a caregiver.

The man that I had been dating for 6 months takes care of his mother. She is young, 58, but has had several strokes due to drug use. I’m trying to be understanding and compassionate about his circumstance. He is an only child and she is all he has. He tries hard to create a balance with taking care of her, working, and then making time for me. He feels that providing me with material things and financial support makes up for not being as available as he would like to be. He says it makes him feel good by taking care of others. But, I don’t care about material things. I can support myself. What I really want is to settle down and start a family with someone that I love and can work together with. I’m not sure if he is available to do that while putting her needs first. It scares me to wonder how long it will be before he can realistically focus on that. I’m 31 and he is 32. I truly care about him and want to be with him, but I also feel like I am sacrificing my wants and needs. He thinks I don’t appreciate him or see just how much he does, but I do.
I want to be supportive but I don’t know if I can ever live with her. In my eyes, she’s very manipulative and he enables her to not want to get better by doing everything for her. I don’t think she respects him and she doesn’t want to help herself. But, he says because of her strokes her brain is not the same and she does not know what she does. She also smokes in the house no matter how many times he tells her to go outside. She rules the house. It’s all about her. She even told me that if I loved her son, I would understand that he needs to take care of her and I need to be the one who does all of the traveling to see him. (We live an hour apart). I’m trying so hard to be compassionate because I don’t know what it feels like to have the responsibility of taking care of a parent. I do care about her and together the three of us have had some great times. I wanted to move forward in our relationship, but I think it’s too late at this point. I’ve already said what I feel and he feels that I am trying to make him change who he is and abandon her forever. He also thinks I don’t appreciate all of the work he has put into our relationship. Which I do, but I couldn’t help but think of the long term. I feel awful and it’s sad to let go of a man that is so amazing in so many ways. My heart breaks. If I could go back, I would try to be more understanding.

Where were you when my Mom was in her last days and I actually told my dad I couldn't sit with mom all evening because I had a date? They were aghast. "You have a date?" How dare I....

Problem not with parent, but with potential dates who don't want relationships with a caregiver.

Hi I have been caring for my father since 2008. I have dated and so forth.. but I nothing ever lasted- even add a fail marriage.. My fear is being rejected because I care for my father and don't have the Time... or the person I may date will think its to much to handle.. so for fear of rejection I choose not to date... It makes me sad but then I feel guilty for feeling this way and then brush it off... I have confined myself between work and home- family gathers or anything that reminds me of something I feel I'll never have I stay away from.. Friend having BF or husband... children... No one will watch my dad if I were to date someone .. that's another factor...

As a 35-year old guy whos's been a caregiver for more than a decade and has been through a death of one parent and now the crippling of another, dating is pretty much NOT an an option any more (not that it's it's ever been in my adulthood)…

Thank you LloydBraun! Looking into that right now!

Chrissy73, I am in the same boat as you. I called my local elder services office and they provided aides to stay with my mom so that I could take a short vacation. The fee was based on my mother's income and it was a significantly discounted over the normal hourly rate for hiring an aide directly through an agency. If my mother's income was less, then my understanding was that there would be no charge incurred for this service. I'm in Massachusetts, it might be different in other states.

I feel so at home on this post! LOL I am 41 and I was a caregiver for bothof my parents 85 and 86 both blind, one with Parkinson's disease the other one with everything else. My mother died one year ago and now it's me and my dad. My bad marriage ended and now I'm dating a great man near my age but am literally confined to the home. I'm 41 for Christ's sake. I would just love to go on one overnight and do something romantic and fun. My BROTHER is 70(I am obviously a change of life baby)and I feel like this is a cruel joke. :( any advice I can get will help. At least I know I'm not alone...

Dating and caregiving is not impossible, but is not always possible. Hard to find time between work and caregiving and blending already tight schedules. I haven't physically seen my boyfriend now in some 7 months-not even sure if he's still by "boyfriend" we talk a few times a week but never seem to be able to get the timing together. I know that our time (or time with someone new ) will come someday, we all need to look forward to those days and if we have a current relationship, take care of it and when possible tend to that relationship. With caregiving, the only NOW we have is work and caregiving. If somebody can't relate or be patient with that, then maybe they aren't mean't for us.

im not even a caregiver at present. im just single because im a jerk.

I'm posting as a guest, but I wanted to add a POSITIVE comment. After a 20-year marriage that ended in divorce, I ended up caring for my parents out of state. A 6-month visit turned in to a new home. My mother passed away last year, so I care for my 83-year-old father. I also have a teenaged son living with me but found the time to meet new people. My dad is very sharp, although his body has decided to give out on him. I met a wonderful man 12 years my junior--I'm 53--and we hit it off famously! We have discussed marriage, and I'm thinking it might be in the not-too-distant future. He moved in with us, and things couldn't be better. I work from home, so I'm available to do housework and take care of meals. My boyfriend works, and he is our handyman and weekend chef! I don't know how many men would do this, but I know I've found a gem. It CAN work and there IS someone out there for those who are caregivers. I'm fortunate in that my Dad is so easy to care for. Don't give up--there's someone out there for everybody!

Maybe we need a dating site on AgingCare.com! Lol. At least we would all understand one another! ;)

All is not lost my love of my life (after a terrible a marriage and divorce) my soulmate is my right hand in caregiving with my dad, wen I am at work he takes care of him. We have been together for only 5yrs, he was a little skittish at the beginning. We actually met wen I was caring for his grandmother in a nursing home I was working in. I got him to get involved in caring for her wen things got difficult. Later wen things progressed with my dad and he was only gonna stay with us till we got other arrangements made, he TOLD me that my dad would stay with us till the end. We laugh and we cry together and thank god everyday we have with my dad. So I hope u all can find a special someone to help you embrace the amazing job that we all have taken on to care for our loved ones...Chad I love u and thank you for the exceptional care u give to my dad, and the amazing way you love me! TUL

The other week I was emailing a guy on a dating site and told him that I had a very busy two weeks coming up and could not plan anything during that particular time. He said that it sounded like I was too busy to have a relationship. Everything has to be 'instant' these days? He couldn't wait for two weeks?

I was my mother's care-giver for 7 years. When I first became her care-giver, I was still dating. Soon after that, my dates seemed to turn into information dates. Some of the women, were in the same situation, and only wanted information of caring for a parent. Another things I realized, my time was limited. Since I was my mother's only care-giver and there was no one to fill in, I couldn't take off for weekends or even a night. She passed away last Aug. 1st, now I'm just trying to get my life back together.

My boyfriend (if you that's what you call him at 60+ years old) is familiar with Alzheimer/dementia from his ex-MIL. Most middle-aged people have a family member or friend with these diseases. My mother has dementia and has tried to make an ally of him against me. He's not fallen for it because he's witnessed her manipulation and gives me credit for caregiving. My problem with him is complying with the all the adjustments I've had to make in my household to control my mother's behavior and habits. He tells me there are too many rules and becomes defensive when I remind him to lock doors, not to leave things around, etc. When he wants to be romantic and I'm exhausted, I explain my job begins from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. I live on my job with no relief. As a caregiver it's hard to discard soiled Depends, or disinfect a commode and suddenly feel romantic. Oftentimes don't I feel attractive because I don't do the "girly" things I did when I had a life. My brain is missing that automatic on/off switch. For eight years we've never been able to take even a weekend trip or spend the night in a hotel. Neither of us is financially well off. But he's hung in there, although it's been a struggle. He must love me. Maybe as we age we both think, "There but for the grace of God go I," and we're both hoping that someone like ourselves will stand by us should one of us become victim of these diseases. We're both paying our dues.

Dating while caregiving? LOL.

I met a man on Match. He had lost his Mom when he was a young boy. While I was caring for my elderly mother, he was the BIGGEST supporter and encourager in the universe for me. He always thought of kind things to do for her and encouraged me to bring her warm meals and food that would interest her (he'd cook for her too). This was his chance to be kind and loving to a mother he never had. He was truly a miracle for me. He reminded me what a blessing I had in my Mom and I will always be thankful for his amazing support.

Always hope... never give up. Miracles happen. People out there have life journeys different from yours and you may be surprised by what you find.

if a guy lives with his mother hes a worthless parasite. thats the gender stereotype ive dealt with for six years from a majority of people i meet. it doesnt hurt my own self esteem because without me she'd be stuck in an apartment or AL in town. i imagine that the potential partners who have passed this judgement on me are too self centered to ever be elder caregivers themselves. at this point in my life i dont need someone who doesnt make genuine lifetime committments. i would stick with them thru an extended illness and death and i deserve the same kind of sincerity in return.

I am trying to date. I am on many a dating website. If you are forthcoming and honest as everyone seems to write as a criteria for what they are looking for in a mate then when asked what is your occupation? What is your income level? What do you do in your spare time (ha)...in my case I write a basic line, "I have taken a leave of absence from my profession to care for my disabled parent." No job...no income...no spare time. But when at my age you are dating men that are retired or looking forward to that next part of their lives. In many cases they are widowers having just gone through the death of their spouse. They are looking for a travel mate, a spontaneous outing, long weekends....not to jump back into the fire with some else's sick relative. The moment you try to explain that you need some time to plan...you have to prepare all meals ahead of time to cover your absence, hire nursing care, which cannot be done on the spur of the moment and at a cost that averages between $19.00-$25.00 an hour can become very costly, I'm sorry but most anyone that has even been interested runs for the hills. In my opinion what you are suggesting is omission which in itself is dishonest. If in fact you really do like this man and you don't tell him and 3-4 dates later you spring this...here read this please brochure...this is my life, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak

Recently I had to turn down a potential suitor because of my situation with my elderly parents. My mom has been wheelchair bound since she came back from rehab earlier this year as a result from a broken hip last September. I have just turned 45 last month and I feel that I am in the stage of my life that I will never going to have companionship. All I do is clean the house, laundry, cook etc. My brother and dad does nothing to help. I don't feel attractive anymore not I I do already but you know what I mean. This gentleman friend wanted to invite me to his place and take me to one of his concerts that his company promotes, I told him that I cannot do it because I am a caregiver. He says he wil pay someone to watch mom but it doesn't work that way. First all of Mom doesn't trust strangers. That is the point of me moving back home. I am working as a temp right now but my job may end soon. Dating and caregiving is not going to work. Dating will not be easy if you are a middle age female in her mid forties with no money and job prospects.

Captain and BoniChak I agree... women outnumber men here. Problem is 1) too spread all over the country or even outside of the country (like me). I'm still unscrewing my system and getting back to normal life so to speak. But circumstances has left me liking staying at home and finding quiet moments reflecting on things past and present. I've been a caregiver to my mom for almost 19 years. I've seen her decline, the last 3 years being intensive and left me with no choice but to stay home. I hope that there's an easy handy convenient solution to the Dating and Caregiving Dilemma as I'm sure we caregivers are great survivors and talented multitaskers. We've been giving, I think it's time we also receive. Yeah but dating and caregiving??? hmmm I wonder it's not like your gin tonic drink that blends well and tastes well. LOL good luck to all of us in our search for wonderful partners. I do pray and wish everyone of us the best happy ending.

The women outnumber the men here by far. You, cptn, would have great odds. I think the logistics would prove difficult though. We are spread all over the country. I'm just grateful to have ppl to talk to that understand the day to day struggle. Although a real hug would be nice, once in a while.....sigh.

if AC would create a picture gallery feature here some of the members might meet up with each other. one thing for sure we who have been thru caring for elders have much in common and one of those things is we probably have no patience or need for selfish people who havent been where we have been. i think were selfless, focused, multitalented and special. i say picture gallery because all relationships begin with a physical attraction. i 86'd a friendship with another woman this week because she showed herself to be more of a taker than a giver. we carers have some very profound things in common. AC could make some changes and allow us to learn more about each other.

I've become more of a father To my wife since her symptoms got worse. She had to stop driving 5 weeks ago after too many fender-benders, and her short term memory loss makes books, TV series,etc difficult. As long as I plan every aspect of everyday she's happy. But I need a life too outside of planning her life. Frankly what I need is a woman in a similar situation. Everyone I meet in groups, etc is caring for a parent or is much older than me (65). I always looked forward to the future, now it scares the hell out of me. Everything I read only reinforces my worst nightmars.

An attractive woman started flirting with me when I was with my mom at the mall. I forgot my circumstances and was in full flirtation mode and felt like a man again. But shortly in to our conversation my reality set in. I glanced back at my helpless and fragile mom (she uses a walker) and realized that physically and emotionally I am not in a position to start a new relationship. So I decided to quickly put out the fire.

Me: "I'm a caregiver for my parents and that pretty much takes up all my time.” (I was also caring for my dad at the time. He lived in different city.)
Her: (Looking at my mother) "Well your mother seems like she can take care of herself"
Me: "Well, it was very nice meeting you" (I couldn’t even look at her as I said it.)
She said nothing and abruptly walked way.

Wow, that was painful! She probably thought I was brushing her off with a lame excuse. I didn’t bother to explain what’s involved in caring for a person with Alzheimer's because it’s hard for an outsider to understand what it’s like living in a bubble.

Today, looking back on it I feel I did the right thing. Healthy relationships take much time and involve responsibilities. I am not in a position to give that time without my mother suffering the consequences. Please don’t say that I should have befriended her. I felt a lot of chemistry towards this woman and being “just friends” would only add to my many frustrations.

I'm feelin' everybody here. Mom's 66 and widowed, I'm 42. Moved in with her 5yrs ago when the wife and I split up only to discover she had Alz (suprize!!!). Been caring for her full time ever since.

Putting aside the total lack of privacy and virtually no time to date, moving in with her was devestating mentally even before the caregiving began; It's almost subliminal but I couldn't get past "I'm 42 and living with mommy". Then when I've gotten past that and met someone with potential, they've had a hard time getting past it themselves despite a valid reason for being there. It's a confidence wrecker and confidence is what women want in men. Icing on the crapcake is there's virtually NO chance for intimacy so you start wondering what's the point in dating at all? That becomes a libido killer so it all seems to snowball.

My solution was simple; I rented a cheap 1-bedroom around the corner and call it my "Safehouse". I keep it stocked comfort foods and things I like. I furnished it as tastefully as I could on the budget I set (nice little bar there too heheh). My budget was reasonable but it could've been nothing more than a room at a boarding house or a friend's place... The important thing for me was to actually *rent* it to make it my own both tangibly AND mentally.

I can and do bring dates there and those precious 1-hour-vacations are now like a trip to Tahiti, but that wasn't the point. The idea was to restore confidence to make myself feel attractive again. It's worked... Women are easier to talk to when you don't feel like they'll bolt when you reveal your living arrangements. It's also helped exponentially with the detachment thing. I may only spend a few hours/week over there but it's worth every penny and I wouldn't give it up for anything!

Wow! Listening to all of these horror stories. I am a caregiver along with my siblings, we are the epitomey of dysfuntional as well but we are managing. For me, i get to go out once or twice a month for happy hour with my friends or leave work a tad early and go for a quick dinner or happy hour. I am able to go to a concert on occasion and actually manage some alone time with a very dear male friend who has a college age son and elderly parents as well. We have a great time , although time is very limited, you have to take whatever you can get. Time away, any time at all is critical to our sanity. Even if it's just to run to the store, do an hours worth of shopping, have a drink and sometimes a little TLC. I am fortunate to get time away occasionally. This would not be possible without the total acceptance and understanding that my friends have of my work, and caregiving responsibilites which are first and foremost to me. Hang in there, it can and will happen. We have to continually learn to allow ourselves a tad bit of freedom and sanity. Lexapro helps too!! Hahahaha.

My heart goes out to everyone on the site. I know what you mean. It has been exhausting, depleting, frustrating, and depressing taking care of my mom, who has Alzheimer's. My father didn't want to put her in a care home, most of them are so depressing, and ugly, and have long wait times to get in anyway, as we found out. I worked about 30-35 hours a week at home, while trying to work on my PhD in education. In the end, my health collapsed. I've had 3 abdominal surgeries, and many other issues in this time. I have taken 5 years of leave during my 9 years in the doctoral program. I think I am out of it for good now. I'm too tired to go back. My father was so reluctant to hire help at home. FINALLY he did, and the women who came were wonderful. They feel like sisters to me, and gave me company, and laughter. we shared the good times and the challenging times. The best thing we ever did was get help in. I encourage everyone to hire help if you can't get it through government assistance or medical insurance. But get help. You have to have respite. It is truly a matter of life and death for you! It is well documented that care-givers often die before the person they are caring for, and have serious health issues as well. We have to have life, and love and joy. If you can't manage at home, sell their house and get them into a care home. Or go to work and hire a live-in nanny. You cannot do it all, especially alone.
My two sisters hardly ever visit. I also experienced their aggression. They thought I was getting something for free being here. I stayed because I saw that my father was not caring for her in ways that ensured her safety. I gave up the best years of my life to assist, and got a lot of crap from the family. My father would say I don't do enough, he negated me so often, it was hurtful and mean. But the relationship that I now have with my mother is precious. She has become a light-filled spirit. We hug and cuddle a lot, as her speech is sometimes incoherent as she searches for words that come our garbled. But one thing she can say is,,,, I love you, you are wonderful. You are beautiful. and touch with the most delicate, tenderness that melts the hearts of everyone she meets. She is changing, she sometimes appears to radiate light. She has been in the care home now for almost a year. The relief for us, not having to change her, or bathe her, has been enormous. We can sleep through the night now, knowing she has nursing care. My father visits her daily, I go 3-4 x a week. The change has been SOOOO good. So when she was in hospital last year, I met someone in my spiritual community. He has a heart of gold, and wanted to meet my mom within the first few weeks of going out. He likes visiting her, she loves him. they look at each other with big smiles on their faces, holding hands and kissing hands....its lovely. So don't give up hope. I am now 55..though I feel more like 40. and he and I both know the challenges of caring for family. He supports my time with her, and visits her with me a few times a month. All I can say is, we should have gotten my mother into care a lot sooner. She was on a list, but it takes time to get in, sometimes years. So please, take care of yourself, and put your parent on the list for a care home. It is truly a matter of life and death for you. It is well documented that care-givers often die before their charge, or suffer many ailments. Life is short. Get help. Don't feel guilty. I kept realizing, hey, my mother had a fabulous time in her 40's and 50's. She had work she loved, she traveled a lot, they went out, she had great friends and really enjoyed everything, as did my father. Neither of them gave up their lives to take care of their parents. They did what they could from a distance. I encourage everyone to hire help, or get help from whatever source you can. Find out about day care programs, or just go to work outside the home to hire help inside. It is worth it to keep up your professional life part-time and get a break. For people who wrote who have siblings who don't help, just tell them, I am going away on a holiday, its your turn. Make sure you have power of attorney, and can take legal steps like putting a parent into care, and also have financial backing for that. I would document everything you do on a large calendar, and when it comes time to settling a will, request payment for your time. I wish all of us good luck! With care, Leslie

Unfortunately, I can believe. Glad they stuck together.