My mother is 94 and has every trait of NPD. I am an only child, so mom primarily lashed out at my grandma, my dad and me as I was growing up. We all made excuses for her and constantly walked on eggshells. Her silent treatments were/are constant and have lasted literally years. Now that my dad and grandma have passed, the intensity of her nastiness is solely focused on me and my husband. She constantly threatens to leave her estate to former students because I am such a horrible daughter. She lives in a five bedroom home, determined to maintain her status and prestige. My husband and I have helped her with everything: cleaning out the garage, painting, home mechanicals, gardening, finances etc. I have been paying for her cell phone for years. This past Labor Day she asked for our help finding a file. When we came over my husband found it right away and this triggered the worst raging temper tantrum I have ever seen her have. She literally threw us out of her home. She then left me a message that she no longer wants rides to the doctor. I have always just caved to her temper, but this last temper outburst has changed my view of things. I do not plan to initiate any contact with her. It’s funny I never saw her behavior as abusive, but now I see it so clearly. I’ve told my sons, who have experienced some of her nastiness, that she may cut us all out of her estate. It’s truly worth it just to be free! This site and everyone’s comments have been very helpful to me.

I came to this site because my sibling was manipulating my mom with dementia & turning her against me.

I finally had to just walk away because I was the one caring for her but he had the POA & wanted control and to dictate to myself & my son how he wanted things done even though he was doing nothing to help.

This site has helped me vent my frustrations and see that other people have had similar experiences. It’s been a living nightmare even though my mom has passed away & my relationship with him is gone forever.

I came to this site following an exchange with my 90 y/o mother who lives in my home. Thankfully I have a detached "office" where I can come when I need to set a boundary. She was off to a rocky start this morning and was asking if it was okay for me to take her to a 2 hour mani/pedi appointment. I said that the 2 hours was easier than one hour because I have time to go home and actually get something done with that much time. She then said, "I'll just cancel it, I can see you're annoyed. I then offered to get her a cup of tea and she replied that she would get it herself. "I can read the hatred on your face."
The good news is I'm a clinical social worker and I understand the dynamics. What's difficult is not having a break from it all. My mother made no plans for her "golden years" and relies on me to keep her housed. I'm also her mode of transportation. We live in a rural area with no public transportation.
She has now been with me for five years. A few months ago, I could feel myself losing my will to live. Sadly, there's nobody I can leave her with due to her manipulative behaviors. My brother had offered to come visit so that I could go on a vacation with my boyfriend. When I pleaded with him a few months ago, I got the message that he's too busy. He had the idea that I could just go ahead and leave her for a few days. I asked him if he'd trust her with his house for a few days.
So I am doing what I can given my limitations to enjoy life. I got her a dog a few years ago and decided I'd get a puppy for me to train as an emotional support dog to take to hospice and to be in the room as I work with people.
My puppy is nestled on the couch next to me and having this site to come to, along with the chance to write these words have helped me to 'regain my center.'
In a little while, I'll head over to the house to fix a cup of coffee and see if she might like that offer of a cup of tea. I've found that often just leaving her for a while gives her the face-saving opportunity to "do over." Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Being fascinated by it is a helpful form of detachment for me. Kind of like puppy training. There will be 'accidents.' Good to know because understanding this, we can take preventative and corrective steps. Self-compassion is really good. If you reading this are struggling, put one hand on your heart and say, "I'm doing my best in this moment. What's needed?" Then sit with the question because the first few answers may seem like 'venting.'

Moved to Denver to "HELP" take care of my mother. Big mistake. My mother is a covert narcissist in a co-dependent relationship with my sister. I was 57 when I came here and moved my mom into an apartment with me. The two of them put demands on me that I could not meet financially and emotionally. In addition, I met my future husband here who offered to care for her after our marriage. SHE HAD A HISSY FIT. My lease was up and I moved out because I realized how I (the scapegoat of the family) was going to be dumped on and controlled by both of them and I would have to sacrifice anything and everything at their demand...including my right to my own paycheck. My future husband was appalled at the way they treated me and told me I would have to get out of there or they would absolutely ruin my life. I did and left my sister with her as it was before. I am not giving up my right to my own personhood just because she demands. She absolutely would not budge on my husband and I caring for her so I said au revoir. Oh my gosh! The worst smear campaign of my life took place thereafter and still goes on to this day. My sister vandalized my apartment prior to my removing all my things. My mom and sister hate my husband and have publicly and openly stated demeaning things to him. My husband is the kind of guy who looks another man in the face and offers a firm handshake. My sister's husband snubbed him when he did this, not just once either. My mother is a bitter lady who was told by my father for years that if she did not drop her bitterness that it would bite her in the a**. It has! They racked up $300 worth of texts on my phone (shared on my family plan and forced against my will as sis made all the arrangements herself to dump my mother off of her family plan and onto mine. I did not ok this.) They opened all the windows in the middle of the winter and turned the heat up to high, thus I had a HUGE heating bill after I left. It was cruel and vindictive and it was because of their own selfishness. After all that, I am happy to say my husband and I live a quiet and content life without my overbearing mother (she's really an egg donor as she was neglectful during my childhood...and she knows it) dictating my life and stealing my money. She is still preaching at me to honor my mother (that's always been her source of control). I let her know that this scripture was never intended to fall into the hands of an evil narcissist to get what they want. Now, mother is living in a senior apartment all by herself (her biggest fear) because my sister and her new husband won't have her in their home either. I am free from both of their clutches and won't be a slave to either one of them. The manipulation and vindictiveness will never end so I had to end it.

I'm trying to set boundaries with my mother. The relationship has been toxic most of my life. She chose me as her confidant when I was 13 years old and has never stopped. Among many other things, I have endured many decades of explicitly detailed conversations that I never should have been subjected to. I have been in counseling and implored her to stop for the sake of my mental health. She never has. Now she is 85 and alone and wants to move in with me. From the outside this looks like the logical solution but I simply cannot do it. I really feel like my brain will not allow me to care for her in a compassionate way. I have suffered with anger and grief over the parents I never had and I thought I was "okay." Clearly I am not. I have resolved to care for her as best I can but it cannot include her living in my home. I've told her so, explaining it would not be in her best interest because I live in a different city. I dread making calls and answering the phone. It's sad that this is where we are. I would have liked nothing better than to care for a sweet mother who showed me love and affection growing up. My husband and some friends have warned me that I don't want to have regrets when she is gone. There is no doubt in my mind that I WILL have regrets, no matter what.

I set a boundary with my MIL who was living and hoarding in our rental. Finally after several falls and not being financially responsible, her friend stepped in and took control of the situation. MIL moved in with her friend and roommate (who is friends sister). I am so relieved that she is their problem now. My husband is a only child and suffers from FOG. Covid happened and all her hoard is still at our rental. We managed to consolidate it to one room and the garage...both stuffed to the gills floor to ceiling.
MIL 83 year old brother is still in rental and we decided as long as he can pay the rent (housepayment) care for himself and we can get in there to clean, he can stay. MIL is not happy. I have blocked MIL, roommate, various family members from social media and my phone. My husband is learning to set clearer boundaries with her. He tells MIL that I am off subject. I am so grateful for that. I cannot wait to get her hoard out of our rental.
Uncle I anticipate will need some sort of AL in the next year or 2. Husband and I discussed that we need to start making some $$ on our investment. We had supported her and her lifestyle for the last 9 years. She gets a monthly settlement for a slip and fall, her SSI and a small retirement income (close to $6k per month) She can well afford to take care of herself. I honestly believe she thought she could mooch off her son and me for the rest of her life...she is barely 73 years old. BOUNDARIES are so important especially dealing with a narcissist.

This was great Carol. In my practice as a A.P.S investigator and service worker along with my time as a deputy public guardian. The abuse from their parent when they were growing up changed their brain. They are not equiped to become a caregiver to their aging parent. They may have a need to "meet needs" but if they do caregiving that involves living with them....they will end up abusing them as they are trying to do something they are not equipped to do. So, how this is "lived out"...they have a goal...get power of attorney for all assets, get ownership of property and due to their inability to be a caregiver they place in a SNIF. If I got a case before SNIF....The property can not be recoverd or assets given away over five years past. Currently I have a volunteer case. He will not be placed any where near his daughter and she will never become his payee. I have someone who will have legal authority over him and his assets. He wants his daughter to have the small life insurance money...she will get it and whatever else. Don

Boundary Example: My 83 year old FIL lives with us. It was my idea he move in with us as he was unable to care for himself at home. I had no illusions about the sort of person he his. My husband on the other hand thought we would be really grateful so was surprised by his manipulating, anger, criticism, etc, etc. He has a narcissistic personality and is very strong willed, controlling and NEVER takes personal responsibility for his actions. He is NEVER wrong! Right from day one I have set boundaries with him. All throughout my relationship he has negatively spoken about his ex-wife and most members of her family. And in short doses I didn't challenge it .. much! But... when he moved in I said "We will not engage with you in negative conversation about family members. If you do start to speak negatively about family members we are setting a boundary and will walk away from the conversation." His response: "You can't set a boundary around me! My response "I'm setting a boundary around myself not you. You have still have a choice!" When the boundary was enforced his response: "You can't handle talking about family". My response "That's fine Dad if that's what you think". It has now been 2 1/2 years and Dad does not talk negatively about family members. Boundaries work if you consistently apply them. People don't like boundaries but they are ways of showing love: It was stressful for Dad and negatively impacted his health to be constantly spewing criticism of his ex-wife and her family. There have been many other boundaries we have had to put in place over the last 2 1/2 years: All conversation about care and money needs to be with my husband. I will always walk away if Dad becomes critical of me or my family in any way. My husband 100% supports these boundaries and when Dad has tried to create division between us Darryl has told him in no uncertain terms that we are "one" and he will always side with me over his father. It is not easy but God is with us. Yes, we are Christians but we are not doormats! We care for his needs in a loving action even if there is no gratefulness nor acknowledgement of the sacrifice we are making to care for him. I don't feel loving towards Dad because of his behavior however I show him respect and care for him because that is what God asks me to do. He has the beginnings of dementia so I'm not sure what the future looks like yet. But I know this we will not allow my FIL to abuse us. There is a great book called "Boundaries" by Dr Henry Cloud. I highly recommend it to those caring for family members.

What ever you do don’t move an abusive parent in with you. I made that mistake. My father was always hateful and controlling. When he called I like a fool went to bail him out of his living situation. He is currently staying with a friend until he can be placed in either a nursing home or assisted living. His constant verbal assaults nearly broke my family. He has some dementia but after the last attack on my son he looked at me and said I guess I really did it this time. Even with the dementia he is manipulative. Guess I am going to take his words to heart and make them go back to him, he has told me several times he wished I haven’t been born so this victim is going to honor his request. I will no longer be involved in his care other than to write a check for those who have to deal with him. Tomorrow morning I am going to call my therapist and make an appointment, my family and life are more valuable than dealing with a mean self centered controlling demented old man.

My mother wanted part of my earnings taking care of her . I refused to comply with her demands. I was fired from her 2 weeks ago. I'm relieved. Now I am free from her abuse. I've been going thru this with her since I was 8. She was in & out of mental institutions my whole childhood years. I had to do her job. Now I'm 43. Single. My kids are grown. I came back home & beenliving with her for 7 months...too long. I've been accused of doing everything. I also have a CNA job. Fulltime. So when I refused to give her my $ she told me to go find anywhere else to live. I am way ahead of her. I already have a 2 bedroom apartment I'm moving in Saturday. I told her she's psycho & needs to go back to the rubber room before I left for work. She & my sister are doing anything to destroy my life. I am totally washing my hands of them. I've NVR Been so emotionally abused & treated so badly by her. I NVR deserved any of this.

Ever since my mom broke her hip 4 years ago (she passed away August 2017) my dad has been an anxious mess! He has refused to take a bath, brush his teeth, have any form of joy, visit loved ones, because mom couldn’t do it. So he wasn’t either. Someone called him a martyr and he’s proud of it!!! I need help. I don’t know how to break this cycle!!

Deeply weird... sometimes, you just can’t win... I would have loved to have a daughter like you to care about me so much. Something is really wrong with families... I have bent over backward for 14 years, and get absolutely no respect from any of my family members, especially from
The mother I invited to stay with me in my home... She doesn’t appreciate it at al and only laughs in my face, ‘commands’ more and more from me while she criticizes me daily and uses up all of my life.... You’re fortunate she doesn’t want to live with you IMO. Difficult non the less... at some point she'll have to be forced out... like so many do.

I wish I could ‘detach’ with ‘love’ but so far I haven’t been able to... As a matter of fact I detest my family.

Eighty-three and stricken with Parkinsons, my mother lives alone in the same large home on three acres she has occupied since 1979. The home shows decades of deferred maintenance and inside is a classic hoarders scenario complete with cats who have utinated throughout. When she was in her seventies and her health was better I tried hard to get her to address her living situation and move to a more managable home. She is now to the point where she can barely feed and dress herself and her mobility is greatly impaired. She is dependent on family for basically everything. It is beyond depressing to spend time with her in her environment. I have offered to move her in with me, including the cats, but she refuses. I cannot help but feel that her choices and actions have been deeply selfish. And yet by providing the minimal care we are giving we are simply prolonging the situation. As I see it, my only option is to forceably remove her.

I have an 84 year old father that lost his partner of 40 years a year ago, they lived as enablers for two generations of drug abusers and alchoholics and it was chaos. I lived 500 miles from my Dad most of those years while raising a family of my own. Dad was always invited to be with us but choose to stay in the midst of the dysfnction. I called him everyday and tried to side step all talk of this crazy situation and detach myself from it but that's basically all he ever wanted to talk about. Now his partner is deceased and he ended up living with her daughter in a terrible dysfunctional abusive situation where he's in danger and his health is in danger. Finally, with much aggravation on my part and with finally just throwing my hands up in the air he decides to move in with us here 500 miles away but I'm scared to death of the dysfunction he's going to TRY and affix to me! He gets abusive on the phone and he is loud and rude to me and he insists I "don't understand" his 40 years of bad choices. I have repeatedly told him it's time to move ahead and look forward and stop bringing up the anger and guilt and sadness and everything to me in such a rude way all the time. I'm done! I think he' needs professional help and I also need to learn quickly how to establish strong healthy boundaries to clearly tell him over and over again that it's NOT okay to drag me into any of those old messes and it's NOT okay to scream and yell and project his anger on me or I will just shut down and stop engaging with him. That will be hard with him living in my house - we've figured out how to do it with him 500 miles away I'd let a few days go by after he started screaming and yelling and try calling again . But what ideas, help, resources, books , advice....do any of you have for me in this new living situation? I've got a husband and grown children and a small grandson. All independent and not wanting to engage in the chaos talk either............

Good for you pumpkin. No, you are not threatening. From what you say, you are setting some limits. It is the only way to go.

Thank you golden23 that helps! She's always gotten me the few times I tried that by accusing me of threatening her. I have countered her by saying it's not a threat it's just what I'm willing or not willing to do or tolerate. I guess I've done it more than I realized which maybe why we've made some progress. It really helps though to have you spell it out both in theoretical terms and with an example.

pumpkin - here are some ideas. There are lots of articles on the internet, This is from "your tango" by Karen C.L. Anderson and about mother-daughter boundaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are two parts to setting a boundary.

The Request: you ask your mother to stop doing something that infringes on your property (literally or emotionally).

The Consequence: you tell her what YOU will do if she doesn't comply with your request. It is an action that YOU will take.

Here are some examples:

Request: Please stop yelling at me.
Consequence: If you don't stop yelling, I am going to leave/hang up the phone/not respond.

Request: Please don't smoke in my house.
Consequence: If you continue to smoke in my house, I will ask you to leave.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is important to make a consequence that you are going to and can enforce, not a threat, but a change in your behaviour. It does not necessarily cause a change in the other person, though it may, but gives you more control of your own environment.

Hope this helps! :)

Like so many articles on this subject I don't hear specific instruction on how to actually set a boundary. It talks about the importance of doing so, it talks about how to distance yourself while you are doing it, etc. but it doesn't actually tell you how to set boundaries. I'm beginning to think that social workers, therapists don't have a clue how to do this, they just keep telling us we need to. No kidding! Now tell us how - specifically!!!!

I have had to set strong boundaries regarding visiting my mother. I have PTSD from childhood verbal and emotional abuse. I have explained my position to staff where she is and they seem to understand. If any NH admin got upset with me for not visiting, I am afraid they might get an eye-opening earful.

Anon-I like the way you were able to deflect the accusations of the NH administrator and stay the course with what you knew was best. That can be really hard for those of us who have been raised to put the desires of others ahead of our own needs. The judgmental opinions of others can trigger those old feelings of worthlessness and trigger us into self destructive "people pleasing" behavior.

It was helpful for me to read your post.

Good analysis. Can you discuss how if the care giver is the spouse. In sickness and in health is an oath that implies a Duty. Setting rigorous boundaries on a spouse, can hurt both.

I would add that even after a parent is in a nursing home, it's necessary to set boundaries. In my case, the verbal abuse continued and there were times I could not visit. If this happens to you, expect the nursing home administration to be upset with you. I was accused of "abandoning" her. I didn't of course. There was just a period of time that, with Mom's attitude, it would have done neither of us any good.

This is an important article for those of us who are caregivers of elders who are beyond difficult. They may have groomed us from childhood to take care of them, taking away most of our childhoods and knowing how to control us. When we finally take back our power by recognizing our worth, setting boundaries, and lovingly detaching from their unreasonable demands, there can be a resistance and manipulation that comes from all angles and rarely ends. We need strong support systems from our family and friends, and the suggestions in this article may need to be read over and over. I posted coping techniques in my office until they became second nature, and also help me see through and anticipate her moves. My mother is 90, and I have walked that "tightrope" of loving her with boundaries and respect for her safety and health for years. She put me in the "driver's seat" to take care of her since I was a child, but now I have control of addressing her real needs, not her imagined or unreasonable ones. It takes lots of time, but our lives are just as important, and we need to have peace of mind and good health, too.

Very good article. I could not EVER hurt a person much less my parents physically no matter how abusive they are. The thought of such a thing makes me so ill. I studied martial arts most of my life, so I have an appreciation for self control in the face of being abused...esp by frail persons.

Setting boundaries is great - if you can get them to oblige in the same home. With control addicts & rage addicts, it's not without frustration w repeated attempts to detach and draw the line in the sand. Many elders see their offspring as little kids who must obey their parets - esp in my generation. Amazing to me how it is always ok for the parent to be and express (inappropriately) anger - but they can act however they wish and fly into a rage if you attempt to calmly talk about sticky issues or enforce boundaries. As an adult child, I am still told I am not allowed to feel angry. Which is so ridiculous. So what do these parents do? Rage that belief while raging about raging. UGH

My mother is a classic narcissist. Physically and mentally abusive to the poor nth I ran away at 15 and my sister killed herself to get away. I never had kids because I was terrified I would be as evil as she was. There is no way she will ever stay in my home. I will help her find a home but will NEVER take responsibility for her as she never did us. Currently she drug shops and has a major pain pill addiction and mood swings that are just impressive as all get out. Not ever adult is worth wasting any more time or concern on....

How do you set healthy boundaries with an 84 year old father with onset dementia (especially short term memory issues and mood swings) and an 83 year old mother who cannot stand up to her husband when he continues to financially support two of their adult children in their sixties who should be supporting themselves? How do I as a younger sibling who sees the harm this is doing to my parents detach with love and yet also protect my parents financially since they seem incapable of setting boundaries with my siblings and since my siblings don't seem to see anything wrong with continuing to take their money even though my parents need every penny they can keep?

Reading this helped me think. I moved in with my 84 year old mother. She has dementia. She is always telling me ..it's her house, for me to get out. I'm 60 and draw disability . I help buy groceries , I help with utilities , I'm constantly cleaning. Yet she tells me I do nothing, she has always taken care of me. And none of that is true. She lies alot. I would get outside help, but I know she'll refuse to pay them. And she has plenty of money. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid this is going to make me lose my mind. Oh and she hits me, grabs and claws my face. HELP

How do you switch roles with a parent? I need to control the finances but the only way I know to make her see how hard it is, is to let her do it. This could mean all of us loosing our home.

I know how you feel but this is not the time to get even for past abuse. was he capable of taking care of your mother? you will not like to hear this but your mother sounds like an enabler and these two expect it from you. women are different now we ask for help we don't just take it and we won't. your father however is going to be your responsibility financially alive or dead. please see an attorney and arrange for his care in a facility paid for by the sale of his house. you have to do it when's he's alive and the judge can see his behavior or you may be paying for your father and brother the rest of your life.