I have had my mother in my home for the past three years. She is in her 90s and bedridden. Fortunately, I was already retired when she moved in. But, my husband and I are not exactly living the retirement life we hoped for. I have two brothers. One moved into my Dad’s house in another city to help take care of him. He is still mobile but is developing dementia and has poor eyesight. So, that brother is fully occupied with caregiving. The other brother was on dialysis and could only be of minimal help. Traveling to my house was a major undertaking for him since he had to bring all his dialysis stuff. So, my husband and I have not had a lot of family help available. But, just to illustrate what family help really looks like, my younger brother would come with my Dad in tow and stay at my house to let my us get away for short trips. That worked until my Dad couldn’t travel so well. Then, miraculously, my older brother got a kidney donation. It has been life changing for him. He can travel now and has been willing to stay at my house a couple times to pitch in where he couldn’t before. This is real sacrifice for all three of us but it is our way of helping parents who sacrificed for us. Having the help of all three has made it immeasurably easier even though it is still a difficult time.

I took care of my sweet mother for the past 4 years of her life. Having lived together for 15 years in the Chicago area, it was a natural progression for me.

I have two older brothers and one younger brother. My younger brother, who lives near Fort Lauderdale, came up every 2-3 months to help me for 4-5 days. He was absolutely wonderful. He helped in every way that was helpful and more importantly, he made my mom laugh.

My oldest brother tried to help. He lives in Maine and came in once or twice a year. He made the attempt but his presence actually got in the way.

My second oldest brother, who lives in the same suburb as us and only a five minute drive away, never came over and never offered any assistance at all. It was quite unfortunately because my mother was so wonderful to him throughout his life. In the end, he was too busy and didn't want to see her in her decrepit state. Moreover, when she passed, the first thing on his mind was, "How much money am I getting from her estate."

I have one sibling next door and the other is ten minutes away. They rarely come to see my mom unless they need something from her.

Was glad to find this forum. The OP sounds just like myself with my two ridiculously self-serving siblings. They only live 400 miles away - so really not too far to help out once in awhile - but still refuse to do anything of value, so it's on me. I'm in the process of trying to get her into a decent retirement home, but it's been difficult to find something that she both likes and doesn't cost a billion dollars a month.It's an exhausting 20yr situation, made worse by the fact that my 92yr old mother protects my two older siblings (in their mid-60s) like children - so that they have all the freedom to work overtime, travel, party, etc- and forbids me from reaching out to them for help (mainly because I think she wants to maintain a fun, friend-like relationship with them) Nevertheless, I'm the midst right now of writing them a pretty scathing letter to let them know that I'm done doing this by myself, that I'm tired beyond belief and sick of feeling so full of rage and resentment on a daily basis. I know there is going to be an ugly backlash from all parties, but oh well. Hopefully I will have the courage to actually send it :)

I've been fighting with my out-of-state siblings since we had a blow up at a social work appointment in May to get some relief. Last week I found a lump in my breast after already having had a mammogram in May, and when I had a physician appointment found that I also have high blood pressure. I feel like someone else said here - like I thought I knew my siblings, but I don't. They really feel no pressure to help me and get mad at me when I get angry. I can't help but think the estrangement, the frustration, the loneliness has contributed to these new health issues. I have no one to tell it to, so I'm telling it here.

For the ones who can help, write to them and give them the date that you are quitting. They have to accept that. You can still visit.

Yep living it now...the difference is I drive 3 hrs one way to stay 2-4 days in order to care for my mother because my siblings do not want to help...there is no support, no groups are going to ease the pain and resentment...I'm hurt because they don't want to help not only their mother but a human being...she did not raise her children this way and we have always been close until now...I'm so full of resentment I don't even want to look at them it takes everything I have...I've been driving back and forth going on 4 years...I'm getting tired and when I'm not there I'm consumed with worry...I will not turn my back on her ever...and I'm no quitter...no response is necessary because it is what it is I'm tired of saying I need help....

Wow...anonymous is describing my siblings to a T.

So sorry to hear of your painful loss LovingHim. You are so Blessed to have Loved somesome so much and he you. I am thinking of you during this difficult time... 🌹❤️🕊

In my case, his two children who live no more than 20 miles away refused to come be with their father. About six weeks ago, I asked for their help and let them know he remembers them well and would really like to see them. Still, no.

I married their father when they were both adults and now they're in their 60s.
Their father and I had one child and she, too, lives nearby. She's been here nearly every week.

Now it's too late. My husband of 44 years died two weeks ago. As I grieve, I'm not yet over my anger at his two.

...

marymary2... No, you're not crazy... My own parent tells me that!

Yikes. This article highlights how screwed up my family is. None of these three excuses are what my siblings say. They are all very wealthy (unlike me), don't work (unlike me who is alone so has to make money to eat and have a roof over my head) and they like seeing my mother with lessened mental faculty because it makes her all the easier for them to manipulate into giving them money etc.

One reason I seemed to get from my siblings (ironically my mother's favorites) is - well, it's not even a reason - "YOU CHOSE to do it, we don't, That's YOUR choice."

Am I the only one with evil pig siblings like this?

I think this article is very one sided. I live over 4 hundred miles away so it is very difficult to come often to do the caregiving for m elderly mom. My brother lives local and has chosen to take it all on himself. I have found home healthcare that can assist as well as respite care which he refuses. It’s not fair to paint all siblings that are not caregivers with the same brush.

I don't help.

1 - Kids have different experiences with parents. I saw no reason to suddenly "canonize" my parents just because they got old.

2 - In our case a nursing home was a very viable option. Just because someone vetoes that option doesn't make it my problem.

It was hard because the siblings refused to help but they would criticize me so much when I was working full time and was lucky to get five minutes to myself and one hour straight of sleep at night and they were unemployed and barely had their kids. Their excuse was that grandma was too much drama or we are too much drama because we were too negative but they were the ones causing the drama with their criticism. When I told them that I barely get five minutes to myself I could just use that five minutes to rearrange the furniture. I told them they can do it themselves if they feel like it would truly make grandma happy because I am doing this 24/7 while they get to go home to their own life right before they make suggestions to grandma what I can do more . They would just dismiss me as being sensitive. The siblings make it worse for when they are going through some kind of drama they expect me to help them and get mad at me for not being there to help them out of their situation. My grandma even called me out of all of the other grandchildren that I need to be there for my sister for her aa meetings. The only ti.e my mom would hire a caregiver to relieve me was to help my sister out and the whole time was so exhausting and her just criticizing me about what grandma needs more of and kept me the whole day knowing mom paid the caregiver to be there the whole day not allowing me time to myself

I was totally shocked when my sister told me our 70 year mother hasn't washed herself for many weeks at home. And because of that she bought her wet wipes. She said she did offer her help but our mother just didn't want to shower. My sister lived next door to our mother and she was the primary caregiver. I visit them both often but now I'm blaming myself how I didn't see anything could be wrong .
This is so sad because my sister told me this when our mother had just passed away in the hospital . All I could say to my sister was why didn't she say anything about this earlier? She just couldn't answer why. So please if you are caregiver siblings talk to each other before it is too late . I will never know what was the reason our mom refused to shower , the bathroom is nearby, was she feeling unwell or depressed - she didn't have any dementia. She didn't even told me and before she died from sepsis in the hospital she had a few better days when I could have asked her and say I'm sorry mom I just didn't know you needed help.

My sister's reaction to me telling her our mom has worsening dementia (beginning about 2 years ago) was to take offense, seeing it as an intrusion on her precious time. It hasn't helped that mom show-times when sister visits, and also claims I'm being hard on her when I try to stop her from constantly talking over me and not listening. That same behavior affects others but I help her with technical issues and it's doubly hard to keep her focused on details.

I'm physically much closer and visit at least 5 times as often, witnessing many things sister can't, yet she won't fully take my word that an over-80 woman can need a lot of help! She insists on getting more "proof" but I think it's a denial tactic to get her off the hook (all she's been asked to do is be a backup for remote computer tasks).

I've heard of stories like this before Jada. I am so sorry. My siblings also "have a life" and "work". It's been all me (taking care of my mother) with no help at all... (can't get started... and, its way too long!...).

I have nearly gone insane many times... and, it has affected me beyond imagination... and, has been a huge stress all the way around... let alone the 15 years it's taken off my life.

Take care of yourself...

We caregivers with 'heart' and unconditional love know that money is the root of evil. 🌼🦋😇🙏

Wow! Everything seems so one sided here. Some situations are so different than what everyone is saying.
i was Mom’s caretaker. Would do her food shopping 2-3 times a week, hairdresser & doctors appointments, pick her up off the floor everytime she fell & handle everything that went wrong at her house. I asked for help repeatedly and the response I got was “ I work” yes, he worked, a part time job. He had POA & was executor of the estate. Yet when mom could no longer handle her finances he stepped in, told her drs they could no longer speak to me, removed my name from her joint checking account & took her to a lawyer to amend her trust to give it all to him 100% & sign a DPOA. This is all while she had dementia! He told our mom she could no longer speak to me or my kids & would call the police saying I was harassing her if I tried to call or visit her. I now haven’t been able to see her in 2 years.This is not my mom who is acting this way, this is my sibling controlling & manipulating my mom because she’s afraid he’ll get mad at her & she’ll upset him.
there are 2 sides to every story.....with some siblings it’s all about control & greed & they want everyone to see them as the martyr. They are narcissistic people who have to control someone even if it’s a 97 year old woman with dementia.
My mom lived alone in her house across the street from me $ he lives 7-10 miles away. She had fallen 4 times in a matter of 2 years which resulted in her being hospitalized yet he thought it was ok for her to live alone. I finally called APS & told them she was alone & would not be able to leave her house by herself in an emergency. They investigated & she now has a live in caretaker who he didn’t even do a background check on & has no experience in caring for an elderly person. He spends very little time with her & even has the live in take her to dr appointments. So, is he her 24/7 caretaker like he claims he is......I think not! He’s selfish & greedy depriving her of her family in the last years of her life!

Great article. It is critical that anyone taking on the care giver role be sure they legally are in charge. You should be the POA and the Health directive person. NEVER take on the job with some sibling having the control.

No need for this to become ugly Shorebird. Let's all stop with the scolding.

Hey CarlaCB, you call yourself a "peach," but I notice all you do is scold people on this forum like some ol' sourpuss teacher in a classroom full of unruly kids.

Shorebird, would it be possible for you to talk about your personal situation instead of condemning whole populations of people you don't know and whose personal circumstances you don't know either? That would be a whole lot more constructive, I think.

Tired of these "selfless" holier-than -thou martyr caregivers who are accusing siblings of "avoiding responsibility"....the martyr caregiver often makes it IMPOSSIBLE for siblings to help, because he/she has such a deep-seated need for control and is still vying for the parent's favor. This is the martyr caregiver's shining hour! They can finally prove that the siblings are "worthless" !

My mother had a fear of not being at home when she needed care. I promised her it would be that way & I gave of my life to assure her of that. I kept a promise I made to her. It is hard, for those of us who have made those choices to hear others label, those in need & wanting of that type of care, as selfish. My Mother's wishes were not selfish. I do feel the siblings who do nothing to help are often just plain avoiding any responsibilities. Those are their choices. A choice as valid as my own. We all make choices and there will always be those who pass judgement. Such is life.

The Truth is the truth so it really doesn't matter. Free speech is not just what you agree with, get over it.

To your astonishment, Lovesdad, I am a real peach to my dying mother. I cater to her every whim with love and tender care. I wash her face, scratch her back, reposition her legs, change her diapers, whatever she needs. I get up with her several time a night just to help her sip some water, and I kiss her on the forehead each time I leave to return to bed. She says I've been wonderful. She's dying and I'm trying to keep her as comfortable as possible.

I don't resent it. I didn't say I did. I chose to do this and I want to do it. Your attitude I do resent. And I also reported your post.

Lovesdad, that is uncalled for. This sounds almost like another poster who was banned is back with a different screen name....reporting this comment.

CarlaCB: "I don't think anyone has the right to stay in their own home if someone else has to give up their entire life to make it possible. Maybe for a few weeks, as I'm doing, but not for an extended period of years or decades. I think staying at home can be vastly overrated".

WOW, I took care of my dad 3 years with Alzheimers, he died laying in bed with me. I gave up everything for 3 years because he was my dad and he didnt leave me when I was a child! YES being home is the BEST for dying parents.