The only thing that keeps me going is wishing for my death everyday and every hour

I'm a nurse and my mum has Alzheimer's and has progressively gotten worse over the past two yrs , it's awful to watch this happening and trying to support dad to cope. Patience is certainly my key to coping. Although I get upset and torn between my son and mum. That's life though and I feel that I would rather care for her myself than pay a stranger to come in.
Taking care of yourself is so important and having a good support network around you when times get tough helps. Keep calm and try to enjoy the good times you have with your loved one. Try a memory box this helps them look at past memories and just reminisce. Sleep also is key, I agree with Meimie in that this is so important for any care giver. Take care of you first. I hope that helps slightly, we all go through different emotions and feelings every day when caring for a sick loved one and at times it isn't easy, but we will all get there, we have to! Take care.

Right on target. I must be in my wifes time not trying to get her in mine. Thank you.

to dtillotson; vent !!! it's ok and is necessary !!! that's one great thing about this website is that we all understand, truly understand so vent away !!! Every single time I vent here, I feel SO MUCH better because everyone here KNOWS :) Peace...

My wife is at wits end. She is the daily caregiver for my dad. We both had experience with caring for the elderly but not for so long. We are up to the task but having some serious issues that are getting worse by the day. He thinks because he doesn't work he doesn't need to bath, brush his teeth (paid for) or change his clothes. He won't drink water and we take him to ER every couple months for dehydration. We change his sheets twice a week and my wife does what ever launder he has and cleans his room everyday. Now it's not just his room it's him that smells pretty bad. He has a dog that goes everywhere he goes and sleeps on the bed. He is a drug addict and we have to give him his meds because he doesn't remember if and when he took it. Him mind is actually pretty sharp. I solve problems for a living but i'm lost here. I'm sorry I turned this into a venting exercise. I do feel better a little.

In the beginning, I was very overwhelmed however I was taking care of both my parents at the same time who amazingly got 'dramatically sick' at the same time...and both were different ends of the spectrum. Mom was the one with the dementia and soon thereafter diagnosed with Alzheimers...it became apparent that I had no choice, but I also had no desire to give this major undertaking to anyone else; those were MY parents and NO ONE could take better care of them than myself !!! After I read up on some ways to cope, and things to look out for, and how to handle alot of situations I'm glad I did what I did and, am still doing...Dad passed away recently and Mom's Alzheimers is now further into the moderate-severe stage...I am SO GLAD that I am in this journey with her; I have accepted her disease a while ago but it saddens me greatly from time to time. I have come to gripes with what is, and as time moves on I know that I will be sad but I will know in my heart that I have gone thru this WITH her...I look at it also thru her eyes and try to feel how it would 'feel' to be going thru it in her shoes...it scares me so much that I continue to want to do everything possible for her...and be with her and try to make her time that she knows it the best for her...I want her to know me for as long as possible (and she still does) but I know that will come to end someday...all I can continue to do is give her love, have LOTS of patience and comfort best as I can. When I have a 'bad' day with either too much to do for everyone, or feeling really sad about Mom, I distance myself that day (I make up an excuse to stay away otherwise I might snap at her) and make sure she has someone else with her and then I see her asap. I always let her know when she's going to see me next (usually the next day) ...or when she's really irritating me or making me mad easily, then I give an excuse and leave. Mom does not deserve to be snapped at or yelled at...its not her fault she has a terrible brutal disease...so for everyone that snaps at their loved one, shame on you !!! And, if you snap or yell, make sure you APOLOGIZE like a decent person would...I did in the beginning and I felt like a terrible person for yelling at her...she didn't ask for this destructive disease ...so be kind and tell them you're sorry ...love, patience, kindness and time....GIVE that to them it'll go a long way for them... and smile !!! and hug them!!!

Moved in with mom 2 years ago after step father passed away. Im an only child so all's left up to me! Everything I have been feeling lately is addressed in these comments from your website. Sometimes it helps and sometimes not. Still feel stuck and want my LIFE back! Going for counseling and on anti depressants to help me cope. I've arranged for a PT to come 3xs a week to get mom up out of her damn chair and for socialization honestly I'm running out of things to say and bored as HELL. Feel like my life's gone living for her now.

This article made a world of difference for me. I was angry at my mother for along time because she wasn't the mother I knew years ago. Having accepted that makes it much better for both of us

Well written! I can surely relate to each topic! I think what has saved me and my sanitity is SLEEP. With sleep, I can handled most anything! And, do it with patience!! I was sleep deprived for several weeks, and it was horrible. I was horrible, and couldn't find the patience to cope. So I would say: make sure you are getting the rest you need to function! It can change everything! And remember to hug each other!

A nice reassuring touch is very important.

I agree - great advice. Most you really know inside yourself. Ive decided to congratulate myself on being a wonderful daughter to my mother and I am and its made me feel good about what I do no matter how hard. Ive put aside issues about the rest of family who are not there. Its not productive to let it eat you away as it had done to me in the past. Not productive at all. Let it go - they are not going to change and the focus has to be on your parent who you love and thats why you care. Having to start showering my Mum was a really hard jump but after first time no problem (though it does take a long time to have a shower!!). Now we communicate on even more personal stuff related to toileting etc and we have got over the initial prudishnesh - hell she used to look after me like that! Its hard at first but openess and putting aside the initial resistance and sense of going into unknown territory with a parent soon disappears. It also makes caring easier. Ive seen improvement in toiletry stuff by asking questions and offering suggestions (like flushable wipes etc), asking whether she has had a bowel movement (important to know that it is happening) and knowing how deal about it. The list is good, I know it is true - just need to remind myself. I think we as carers of elderly parents need to sit back and see ourselves as quite special and somewhat heroic - so many people dont care about their parents. Im proud of myself (but very tired of course). Aint easy at all. And yes I came have after a 12 hour day of caring today and felt happy that I had had a good day with my Mum - got her out of bed, dressed, meds, got her to eat and drink all day and we did the crossword together. I love my Mum - all I want is to have her back but that cant be and that whats really really is hard. We want them back the way they were. But now we are it and they depend on us not the other way around.

Good to read this article. Though I know many of these points in my head, sometimes my frustration and impatience get the better of me. Getting a person with dementia to do things when he does not want to has really challenged me. And, just as when training toddlers, something that worked once may not work the next time. Keep the helpful hints and articles coming.

Hospice doesn't always mean they are on their deathbed, but patients do have to meet qualifications that indicate they are near end-of-life. Dementia criteria are a little different, but still it must be noted that this isn't a service you can just pick up a phone and ask for.

Anyone who thinks their loved one might qualify should talk to the doctor. It is always worth trying. And if the answer is "no" now, it might be "yes" later, as your loved one declines.

This is a suggested help line for those caregiving for a dementia parent. I had my mom move in with me over 8 years ago after her heart attack. She was living alone as was I and it was better for her not to live alone in both our opinions. A few years later, her dementia began and the doctor gave her meds to slow it down. Meds worked for a while and slowed down the disease but it still got worse.

I found help with Hospice care that was paid for completely by Medicare. Income not being an issue, this care was a big help. The nurse comes to the home once a week or more when needed. Also most of all, they offer Respite care that give the caregiver a 5 day break to catch up on your own needs. This 5 days can be repeated every month. For all that don't like the idea of a nursing home, if you need to have surgery, fix up the house or simply need rest this is a great idea since you know they are coming home in 5 days. It costs you nothing and there are many choices of homes you can choose from in your area. If you are still uncomfortable about a nursing home, go and check out several and see which you like better. None of us want to have our loved ones go there but if the caregiver doesn't take care of themselves how can you take care of anyone else. Often times some or all of the meds are also given to your parent with home Hospice care. Should they fall and have a skin tear, Hospice is there 24/7 to come to your home and patch up the wound (all included with no fee). Hospice doesn't always mean the patient is on their death bed, that's what I always thought.

God bless all caregivers and their patients. I hope some will benifit from this information. I sure have.

Thank you so much for the aticles.It helps to have this website. So much!! God sent to us caregivers, who need advice,to ask questions, and many other valid reasons. Thanks!! KellyB

I think there definitely comes a time when caregivers need to consider hiring outside help. It certainly wasn't an easy decision for me to make, but I was burning out - emotionally and physically. Thankfully, with ClearCare's point-of-care software, I'm still completely involved in my mom's care. I log into the ClearCare website to make sure the caregiver has arrived at my mom's on time, and I receive alerts if she isn't given her medicine, meals, etc. I get some much-needed time off, and my mom is still getting top-notch care.

I'm just not accepting; my mother's dementia gets on my nerves so bad that I can't deal with it. She says and does crazy things. She talks about her mother as if she is still living. My mother is 96. I feel so awful about my feelings. We were always very close; she helped me when I had a dance studio. We never argued, Now caring for her has taken my life. She goes to Adult Day Care every day, not on the week ends. The week ends and nights have become very difficult for us. I have two teenaged girls. I want to be able to go places with and for them; not going to happen because I can't leave my mother alone for a minute. I still teach dance part-time, My husband is very considerate ; he 's with her when I am gone. Sometimes one or both of the girls are home with her. I don't like imposing on them as I don't think caring for her is their responsibility. I' ve thought of assisted living but not sure her money will hold out. I've had ladies come in to stay with her but I can't afford that all the time and the day care. I know there is no real soluion except that I've got to accept my place in life and go on ; just not sure I can. Thanks for letting me vent a little. Carol

I am the sole person caring for my father who had two strokes. Of course, I'm divorced and a nurse so my selfish siblings automatically think that this.
I love my father but nice WEB articles don't help much and I feel like my life is over.
Selfish siblings call "to check in" a few times per week and talk about their selfish kids who never come to see their grandfather.
I've been in enough nursing homes to see that the staff (in the ones that most middle class people can afford) are burnt out aides who couldn't function in a university medical center. Hence, Dad is with me and won't go in one.
I can understand anger and resentment.

After 4 days of HEY Today is a "Good day for singing a song,
and it's a good day for moving alone; (ALONG)
Yes, it's a good day, how could anything go wrong,
A good day from morning' till night..
AND..it's a good day for a mani pedi!



LL...toaday is

Good suggestion thanks a lot. We should remind that what is care giving rules.

I am a senior citizen taking care of a hubby with dementia to me the hardest part is not being able to have a real conversation with him. By the time we leave Church he doesn't remember the sermon so no talking about it I am happy my niece left me know about this site keep it up

Your advice is something that I need to read everyday. It can become so frustrating at times. I have to remember that she didn't ask for this and I love her, that's why I do it.

was very informative thanks

Good list

Thank you for the wonderful information. It's always good to be reminded of the many care giving secrets which to some are new and to others are habits. I have them posted on my bulletin board to remind me to stay focused and loving throughout my day.

Tonight I felt like I was not going to be able to go on with caring for my Mother. She has been living with my family for seven years. After reading this article I realized I was doing some things right and the article has helped with the patience I need. I will try not to become nervous and impatient. I hope I can succeed. The best to all who read this and feel they too have something to learn.

Very good article, I wish I had known all of that before I became my moms caregiver. It would have saved us from having a lot of frustrating conversations........but now I know better.....

All excellent advice and a great reminder to us all. Some days are harder than others.