I took care of both grandparents and both parents. I had suffered from physical abuse from one, sexual abuse from one, and emotional abuse from the other two when I was growing up but they were my family and I would not have even been on the planet without them. We have later since cared for my inlaws.

I came to realize that they all felt old, helpless, or powerless after a lifetime of being in charge of their own lives. How do you think it feels when suddenly you can't do the things you want to do anymore and have to be in a subservient position and depend on others to do or not do for you? Have some compassion because you will be in the same boat yourself one day. Remember how they had to deal with YOU when you crapped and peed in your pants and threw screaming fits in stores and refused to do what you were told. They have already done this for you.
Meds can cause changes and so can Alzheimer's, dementia, and certain health problems. Sometimes a person will seem like Little Mary Sunshine to those who visit but heap complaints on you. Feel flattered. He or she knows you are made of better stuff than the visitors and trusts you so much, s/he feels free to be open with you. The others are fair weather friends and this is known.

I have no regrets. I never disposed of a relative and threw them like trash into a nursing home or over to any agencies. Their blood runs through my veins. It is an honor to care for those who brought me into the world and cared for me.

It is so hard to be patient 24/7 every freaking day from sunrise til sunset!!! I understand we need to keep our cool so we don't take it out on the love one we r trying r best to take care the best way we know how. Yes, respite care does help somewhat but that is only for a few hrs for a wk or however long u can afford to pay. You still r with the complaining person when u get back home n the whole thing is just a continuing repeat like a broke record. Sometimes I believe that we have to get it out of r system or I will explode on EVERYONE that is near me from this caregiving stuff n I have only hit the surface of my mnl n she is only in moderate stage! For me to be 'PATIENT" I have to go in back yard n scream my freaking lungs out n just let it all out or I take a ride around the block with my music sky-blasted n sing my heart out even though I cannot sing a tune for who freak cares, I am relieving my stress so I can pull myself back together n be patient to the complaing mnl. Don't get me wrong, we do have some good day but today is a FReaking bad day!!!!!!! sorry Iam venting.;0

A veteran, 82, dementia

I feel like punching someone. Particularly the siblings who not only ignore my mother's financial deficiencies and continue to take. I hear nothing but complaints about them when when we talk but she is friendly and welcoming whenever they come around. I get attitude and responsibility. There is no talking to them. I just feel so frustrated.

It appears our world is filled with people we love who appreciate us the least. My mother is 85yrs. old I am 48. Over the last few years I have felt the pain from being "the bad guy". I am an LPN who has received many thank you's from complete strangers I have taken care of , but sadly my mother cannot /refuses to utter those words. I pray a lot for patience. I feel very alone at times. I have a very supportive spouse who never makes me feel guilty for the time spent with my mother. I don feel the pain of those of you in the same boat.

My Mom feels as if I discount her opinion or take everyone else's side against her. I don't believe there are 2 "sides". When she makes a complaint or misunderstands a situation, I plainly tell her the truth. Because her memory is failing, she practically accuses me of lying. She was always a "bickerer" especially with my Dad, to whom she behaved very badly for as long as I can remember, until he became ill. I try to put aside my resentment( of how my loyalty to her diminished my relationship with my Dad.) Now, when she finds fault with me or constantly complains, it puts me on edge because her behavior to me is very like she was with my Dad, but with the added baggage of my being "too fat", too "wasteful", too "contrary" too "crazy over cleanliness and bathing" or whatever "flavor of the day" complaint it is. I know she is frustrated by her diminished abilities both physical and cognitive, but truthfully, I am both hurt and angry...There is no joy in caring for her as it is stirring up much of the angst of my pre-teen and teenage years when I felt fat, ugly and lived in a house of turmoil. It took a long time to unlearn my self hatred and at 57 years old, I am snapped right back. My husband has the grace to be understanding, but then he does not have the same emotional response as I. She even makes sly, passively critical remarks about him. We both try to please her, but she is a very difficult 91 year old. I think I need a caregiver's support group.

I am just using the works computer. my mother came out of hospital two weeks ago but every day she complains about everything that happened. My sister says that my mother has complained all of her life and that my mother feels that she must be the centre of the universe. I have got a list of 28 physical symptoms that my mother has complained about this year and she told them about her stomach and her ear at the hospital but they did nothing about it. i do not answer her back or stand up to her because she starts crying or gets sulky if i use the wrong word or tone of voice. I was under a doctor for depression because i do not wash or look after myself and our house is a mess because the majority of the time my mother is in bed. My mother is eighty one and i am fifty and have never had a life. my dad left my mum after twenty six years of marriage because of her complaining and he died when he was sixty nine. my question is can all this constant complaining cause all those physical symptoms?

I have a mother in the same nursing home that I work in and I am the DPOA for her and it seems that all she can do is complain about what the others have done wrong. because it is a small nursing home I have to do her care at times i get angry with caring for her because it seems that nothing is right. My sister is also with me on being the durable power of attorney but is never here so she is the good one and i am the bad one i get so tired of being on the wrong side and never right and hearing how everything is wrong. i do not know where to go next at times I get to where i can't sleep or do anything i just want to scream at times. Frustrated.

I had to have a councilor tell me my mother was verbally abusing me! It changed so slowly that I didn't realize it happened. Now when she trys to push my buttons, I deflect her comments with a joke or ignore her. I tell her she had five minutes a day to complain, and that she's used them all up!!

I take care of my Aunt(my mothers sister) She has always been difficult, she doesn't show love or says she appreciates me. It is something she NEVER learned through life, even though she is a RN psychiatric retired. So my biggest joke right now is..... The second shift called in sick again, I am tired(it's 10:30pm) Please can I put you to bed so I may go to bed. Her answer"When David Letterman is over" I run a nursing home for one....Hee Hee It isn't easy.. God's with me, Thank You God!(smile)

I was very relieved to read your comments about turning over guardianship to an agency. When my mother passed it was clear that my father was going to need help. However, he was impossible to deal with. This was nothing new, but it really became an issue. My brother and I live out of state and knew that we could not handle my father. The state assigned him a guardian and the difference is amazing. His finances and medical issues are being properly handled. Because he is now actually taking his meds, his attitude seems to be a lot better and he is able to stay in his home.

Until I read this article I did feel extremely guilty for having the state handling things even though I could see how much better off he is. Now that I know "that I'm not the only one" in this situation, maybe I can give myself a break.

Debby

Caring for a loved one is never easy. Someone’s entire life is going to change, and that doesn’t just mean the care providers’. Each family must navigate this process for themselves. And the aging parent or grandparent should be encouraged to participate in this journey as much as possible, and hopefully AVOID some of the frustrations.Taking the time to hear their needs, concerns and choices is vital to this process.

I also think it's very important to be patient, no matter how difficult or negative a patient might be. That ONLY works, however, if the care provider has a strong source of support to listen to THEM. Caregiving can feel endless and thankless, and without the right support in place, it's very common for the care provider to simply run out of steam and even to become sick. We MUST empower those among us who are tasked with the amazing responsibility of providing for our elderly -- they are in charge of our greatest treasures.

Susan