I've been assisting my grandmother who is now 95 and she's been living independently for the last three years since her husband passed. I can relate to several of the posts her since her health has been in decline when she was diagnosed with CHF the same week my grandfather passed. She had long shown signs of CHF but never saw a doctor because she denied her own health taking care of him believing she was healthy saying she's never taken any medications! Well, when she finally collapsed and landed in the hospital and the nurses told me she had CHF, severe aortic stenosis, atrial fibrillation, high blood pressure and she'd been on meds for years, I'd realized I didn't know my grandmother very well. It was hard to hold back a laugh under the circumstances (and her controlling personality!) with her in the next room with her getting oxygen and my grandfather in a board and care whithering away!
Now fast forward three years and I've really learned more and experience so much more about her. I've explored more of my relationship with her, to find answers to our struggles, past difficulties, and continued struggles for MY OWN SANITY. I share many of the stories, endure much of the abuse that our elders sadly inflict upon us caregivers. This last week I made another visit with my grandmother which culminated in a heated discussion that stemmed over her advanced health care directive. It blew up into her telling me that a friend of hers who lives out of town does more for her than I do, and in the same breath that she doesn't need my help. I was also told by her that I only visit her "at my convenience", but yet she asked me to visit her this week when she was just discharged from the hospital on specific days so I could take her to at least three doctor's appointments that had been previously set! She also rambled on about other things, unleashed pent-up anger about recent issues, and ancient history, all which relate to CONTROL issues.
A couple of years ago I found a book called "CONTROLLING PEOPLE. How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans.
I have read this book 3 times cover to cover. Every time I read it, it helps me understand my grandmother and her issues. It's all about the controller. Very insightful. I learned more about my grandmother in this book than in any therapy session!
A controlling person in advanced age will NEVER change. They are "Spellbound." The best thing you can do is to learn understand this and to recognize this dynamic in relations, and grow from it. So many people are involved in "pretend" relationships with "control connections," the controller does not really know YOU, and resists the authentic, REAL YOU. The controller will oppress you. I highly recommend anyone who feels that they are not being heard, seen, get this book. It will change your life and your relationships. It's helped me tremendously going forward with my grandmother, at least to continue to provide some care for her in a loving way.
We still have our struggles, and it's no piece of cake dealing with an elder person who is downright mean, and unfortunately I've experienced some of that unpleasantness in recent years. I've been able to discern anger at me, even anger directed toward a pet which is inexcusable! And I can attribute anger to her situation, aging, dementia. I'm so grateful to have found this forum, to those who have offered support, thank you so much!
So relevant to many of us! My elderly sister, age 79, has been widowed for 48 years. She did not remarry and has two great grown children. I love and respect her, however, the complaining EVERY DAY, same thing, is so abusive that I sometimes have to drink alcohol to stay sane (or insane). This is not good! I don't want to abandon her. Many issues here, including parental emotional abuse, obvious favortism of our brother, now deceased, and other sister. I do not want to be a victim anymore and feel like one every day. Trying to maintain a decent marriage and having a good frame of mind are increasingly in danger. Pervasive depression, minimal self-esteem, and resentment are prevalent, as they are with all emotionally abused adults.
I have slowly developed a sense of humor dealing with my parents complaints.
Like the other day the hearing aid tech made an appointment to see my Mom at her house. This will be the third hearing aid company we have dealt with.... Mom is 97 and is in denial that her ears are failing her, not the hearing aids.
After the tech visited them at the house, Mom says "oh, he's playing games"... and Dad was saying "he's trying to get out of work". Say what? I had to chuckle about those complaints. I was just so glad I didn't need to drive my parents to the hearing aid office because it is no picnic.
Imagine what it is like to be a caregiver hired to care for other people's parents because they can't or won't care for their own family. Not only is it a low paying, thankless job but many times the family are the difficult ones to deal with. Just my $.02.
freqflyer: I hear you! My mom lives in AL but still complains about how bored she is--her choice, right? Yay! I am glad I read that. She will not join in their activities but wants to whine at me because she is so bored and how can she live like that. She asks me constantly well, tells me, "you couldn't live here, could you?" Actually I could! They go to the movies, which she says she can't sit that long--does it in her apartment though. They went to the pumpkin patch--wouldn't go, said she can't walk that much ( i agree it would be hard on her)--but a man goes in a wheel chair. I do understand to a degree because my mom is just 69 and the others are 80+. She thinks she is in an old folks home, not realizing she cannot take care of herself anymore. You are right, if I live that long through all this, I will probably be grumpy too. I have warned my kids already and trying to prepare them for what might be ahead.
The grumbling sounds like my parents. I think they are frustrated that they are aging and have lost a lot of their independence [such as hopping in the car and going shopping or errands 2 to 3 times a day, something I refuse to do].
Dad will complain that he is so bored. It use to bother me a lot hearing that, but I can't be their cruise director.... it took a therapist telling me that my parents have to live with the choices that THEY made, like not moving to a retirement community where they wouldn't be bored.
My Mom will always thanks me for getting their groceries [I use an on-line service which has been a life saver for me] but she will quietly remark that the bananas weren't green enough, or the milk didn't have a long enough expiration date, etc. Again, I have to keep telling myself "their choice", as if they had moved to that retirement community, they could get their own groceries every day.
Oh well, we will be grumpy ourselves when we are their age :P
This rings true for me. My parent was abusive all my life and controlled me even when she didn't talk to me. It is like a "spell" or something. After finally getting her to agree on AL, I have pulled back from calling so much and only visiting one (1) time a week. It didn't matter. She tells me I should call more and I should come visit more. When I called everyday and visited three to four times a week it was the same. She always finds something to complain about. I decided I would rather hear it once or twice a week rather than more. Pulling back just seemed to make her more angry and complain that much more. I just really don't feel like taking the abuse more than that and I wish I never had to take it all. This all sounds great and fine, but being an only child makes it difficult to do less.
I like that this article reminded me that if you have always been a negative, crabby person then you probably are not going to change as you age. Remembering this was a good help this weekend as I ran here and there, cooking and cleaning to help my mom with the only thanks being told that what I was doing was "good enough."
Wow I never thought about this a possible explanation for the change in my mom. She was always a stoic, almost silent person. Now she makes negative remarks all the time. Perhaps that's why it's hard to hear. She is never satisfied with how fast something gets don't or how things are done for her. This has never been her personality. I understand she doesnt feel well and may be unsure what her future will be like so my sister and I try our best to tolerate these sharp comments Maybe we will get her medicines reviewed by a pharmacist. Thank you for the information. Perhaps there is more to this change and we can lessen the hurtful comments she makes.
I am humbled and amazed at the kindness you are all showing. yeah, we all complain, but hey! WE ARE DOING THE WORK!!!! And I believe, no, I KNOW that our parents appreciate it. My mom has become my best buddy, next to my wonderful supportive husband. She and I are together 24/7, and I have learned an awful lot about her and about me too. She is just out of a 'swingbed' program, where she received excellent care, and I got a week off. She is back and doing much better, but I see the years on her face. I also know that the only reason she is still here, is because she loves me and likes being my friend, possibly the only one she has ever had {spent her life as a Jehovahs Witness, who treat their old folks horribly. I missed her when she was gone, her little 2 room apt, connected to my house was just a big empty space. As always, the mom makes the home. I never had kids, so, I appreciate the chance to prove to myself that I wasnt as selfish as society tells me I am. Lonliness and uncertainty of the future seems to be the biggest concerns for her, now that Ive removed the sibs and their rotten bastard children from her life. They stole my dads vehicle, a tiny bit of $$$ and her trust. They will never be abke to hurt her again. For real. Some days, I feel put upon, but others? I feel so lucky to have this time w/just her, and not my rabidly religous dad, who put her {and me] thru a religious h***. Just hang in there. It will be worth it.
It has to hellacious getting old... We're all going to be there some day... I hope people around me will have the patience most her on this site have. God Bless seniors... All kinds... crabby or not...
Right now we are dealing with my husband's onery, elderly mother and her constant complaining. However, I think it is related to pain and lack of hearing. She gets things confused but when you are talking to her it appears she is listening but her response indicates that she missed half the conversation. Her hip is bad but she won't get it replaced (even though her son the doctor recommended it 5 years ago). She also complains about food when we go out. So all in all I think her real issue is that she is dealing with pain. I think her hip hurts and I think her dentures hurt and I also don't think she hears well. So rather than saying anything she ends up suffering and the rest of us suffer because of her reactions.
My mother is the drama queen of complaints. She is always calling me, complaining about this or that, which she herself brought on by her choices. I refuse to enable her by pasifying her complaints. I am not her mother or her therapist. She insists on wanting to make her own choices, so she needs to take responsibility for those choices and not rely on me to take care of her problems or get emotionally drawn into her ridiculous emotional dramas.
My mom is taking care of my grandmother. Based on what I have seen, God willing, I need to purchase a home that allows for my mother to have a space of her own - a detachment of sorts and to also have in-help individuals come in and take care of her. When I was in Germany, a woman bought a 3-level duplex (whereby each floor had its own kitchen, bath, etc.) and placed her mother on the first floor, the kids on the second and she stayed on the third floor. I am appalled at the kind of care provided by the state. When my grandmother was in the hospital, they did 3 surgeries on her and then when she was weakened and the money ran out, they were going to toss her out. I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER leave my loved one in the hands of the state!
For the past year, I have become a caregiver for both my elderly parents. Mostly for my wheelchair bound mother who had broken her hip 10 months ago. My parent both constanly complain about everything. Especially my father, he complains about me, mom neighbors his legs. I yell at him all the time. My mom has gotten more crabbier since she came home from rehab in January. She nitpicks at everything that I do from my housekeeping, and cooking skills. I hate my life.
thank you for all the comments all very helpful. My mother is 82 and she is always complaining of illnesses. Lately she is suffering from anxiety and dementia and is driving me nuts. She wakes me up at night and I'm having anxiety as well. I feel guilty for not pleasing her and it hurts me to see her frustration. I don't want her to go to a care facility because I love her, but I feel I'm going to go crazy.
i have turned my world upside down to provide the best care and be an on top of it all medical advocate for my mother. the reward? to be belittled, criticized, blamed and treated like crap for nearly 20 months. now.
my marriage is now in shambles and i'll be getting a divorce. i've done everything imaginable to include her in my 'new' life, one i never wanted as she has left me in the position of needing to share a space with her to be able to even stick around to see her thru her multiple issues of terminal cancer, a reoccurring cyst on her bladder making her incontinent and her right kidney shutting down.
i recently tore a ligament in my shoulder picking her up off the bathroom floor, where she had pee'd everywhere, because she decided to take 2 10mg ambiens to try to get some sleep, but then drank a bunch of beer before hitting the bed. fell during a trip to the bathroom. does she apologize? does she pay my dr visit? no. she seems completely unembarrassed by this event and further more, told me it was my fault for not just leaving her there.
i am at the end of my rope. this woman see's me try to be happy and upbeat. the minute she see's me experience the tiniest joy, she is there to stomp the embers out.
i literally hate myself for ever walking into this situation. it has been the least rewarding, worst decision of my life.
I agree with Susan. We need above all to have a support system as caregivers, even if its just an online group such as this. I am caring for my mom, 88, with serious health issues. She has become obsessive about them, and most of our conversations are about her health issues. I just try to remember how small her world has become, how fearful she must be about what is coming next. She has also said, she wants to die, but only when she has had pain meds that don't work, when a doc has given her bum advise (which happens with great frequency), and her condition becomes worse. I try to relate by thinking of times when I was feeling horrible, like when I had a extremely bad toothache, and would gladly have handed someone a gun to shoot the side of my mouth out. Also, try to remember that her whole world has changed, she has lost so much, friends, spouse, even a child, her ability to walk and see with ease, etc, etc. I guess the third thing I remember is that we will all get there, and God willing we will have someone to help, comfort and love us even when we are not really loveable.
(((((Debralee)))) I agree. Hurts still happen. My mother does not have dementia, and has been like this all her life. I handle it better than I did, but, I agree, unless you are robotic with no feelings, the accusations etc do hurt. It is easier for someone who has no family history to look after a person like that, and even then, it is not easy.
Unless the caregiver is a robot, there is no way a human being can totally turn off the hurt that comes from constant complaints and criticisms when helping an elderly parent. A lot of these elders do not suffer from Dementia, they are just plain selfish and inconsiderate. Caregivers of these type of elders need more compassion and to stop excusing bad behavior due to age.
And, by the way, if I am in the same boat one day, and I am just as unpleasant, I hope someone will give me a wake up call to examine my behavior and not let me get away with it.
Understanding someone's pain and frustration is different from accepting their insults or constant negativity. As long as my mom is nice, I will give her anything she wants, including expressions of love and deep discussions of her frustrations and pain. If not, she gets a bible quote and a shut door. Obviously, if she was suffering from any dementia or alzeimer's I would ignore the abuse and chalk it up to the disease, but she certainly has all her faculties. Behavioral conditioning can apparently work at any age.
I got tired of my mother always being judgmental of everyone in our family and never being able to see her hypocrisy, so I used her religion against her. She claims to be devoutly Catholic and judges the less faithful harshly, so I boned up on the New Testament and started quoting Jesus to her - "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone" and whatnot. It confuses her and gets her to shut up in my presence, though I'm sure I haven't profoundly changed her or anything. I guess using someone's perceived strengths against them really does work.
im2ibzzy, Has she been diagnose with Alzhemiers or Dementia? For a lot of those things u mention like, accused of stealing n such is some of the symptoms. Has she always been this way? You mention that, "'FREE medical care and social service support the government provides." Does that mean she already has Medicade? If not, have you tried to apply for Medicade for her for that will help pay for nursing home being she seems she is running out of options with the Assisting living? Last, you don't have to continue taking care of a family member. However, you may want to make sure she has a safe place to stay even though she uis complaing all the time. Maybe someone else can offer you some helpful advice on here.
Securing care for an elderly parent is not "disposing." The negativity and stubbornness, to the point of suffering near-fatal injuries as a result of insisting on living at home, the Rx abuse when nobody was looking--how is creating a safe, supervised environment bad? I am the target of all the anger and frustration when all I've done is run myself to death, and spent money I can ill afford, to provide for a woman who made NO provisions for this time of her life. No savings, no insurance, no nothing. Sit back, gripe, complain about the FREE medical care and social service support the government provides, then use me as the target of all the hostility. My adult children and I have been accused of stealing, of lying, of deceiving, and finally I have a witness to her behavior--she always does it when it's just the two of us so she can deny it to my sibs. I am not willing to subject myself to the abuse any more. I did what I did willingly, but I'm finished. I'll visit occasionally, that's it. She is moving into the 4th assisted living facility in 3 months--it's the end of the line, no more options--and she can complain all she wants. She always has, always will. We could book her a suite at the Four Seasons and it wouldn't be good enough, yet she doesn't have enough money in the bank to even pay for one month's care. My pity is gone.
terrimerritts, Mnl never change my nasty drawers n I lost my mom a very long time ago. I was just the person that is left to take care of the mnl beside her son my husband. I unerstand what u r trying to say n it may be for some folks her but I have already had the opportunity to 'be in their shoes!' Not to mention, I never met the mnl standards for her son n going on 20yrs together n 17 yrs married. I never gave her a reason to be like this too me. I remeber when she would say stuff like before she got AD, "that is my only son." I understand that n he was in his 40 then. I have a only son too but you have to let him breathe on his own sometimes. So, It is hard to have some 'compassion' for the mnl all the time. I do hope other people here r able to have that compassion for their love one that they r taking care. Yet, everyday is not all sunshines. got to go cuts some more grass to drain me tired so I can put on my happy face for mnl. Sorry but today I am venting so everyone excuse me please....
I like the part you mention that, "Feel flattered. He or she knows you are made of better stuff than the visitors and trusts you so much, s/he feels free to be open with you. The others are fair weather friends and this is known."
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How to Cope With a Senior’s Complaining and Negativity
I can relate to several of the posts her since her health has been in decline when she was diagnosed with CHF the same week my grandfather passed. She had long shown signs of CHF but never saw a doctor because she denied her own health taking care of him believing she was healthy saying she's never taken any medications! Well, when she finally collapsed and landed in the hospital and the nurses told me she had CHF, severe aortic stenosis, atrial fibrillation, high blood pressure and she'd been on meds for years, I'd realized I didn't know my grandmother very well. It was hard to hold back a laugh under the circumstances (and her controlling personality!) with her in the next room with her getting oxygen and my grandfather in a board and care whithering away!
Now fast forward three years and I've really learned more and experience so much more about her. I've explored more of my relationship with her, to find answers to our struggles, past difficulties, and continued struggles for MY OWN SANITY. I share many of the stories, endure much of the abuse that our elders sadly inflict upon us caregivers.
This last week I made another visit with my grandmother which culminated in a heated discussion that stemmed over her advanced health care directive. It blew up into her telling me that a friend of hers who lives out of town does more for her than I do, and in the same breath that she doesn't need my help. I was also told by her that I only visit her "at my convenience", but yet she asked me to visit her this week when she was just discharged from the hospital on specific days so I could take her to at least three doctor's appointments that had been previously set! She also rambled on about other things, unleashed pent-up anger about recent issues, and ancient history, all which relate to CONTROL issues.
A couple of years ago I found a book called "CONTROLLING PEOPLE. How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans.
I have read this book 3 times cover to cover. Every time I read it, it helps me understand my grandmother and her issues. It's all about the controller. Very insightful. I learned more about my grandmother in this book than in any therapy session!
A controlling person in advanced age will NEVER change. They are "Spellbound." The best thing you can do is to learn understand this and to recognize this dynamic in relations, and grow from it. So many people are involved in "pretend" relationships with "control connections," the controller does not really know YOU, and resists the authentic, REAL YOU. The controller will oppress you. I highly recommend anyone who feels that they are not being heard, seen, get this book. It will change your life and your relationships. It's helped me tremendously going forward with my grandmother, at least to continue to provide some care for her in a loving way.
We still have our struggles, and it's no piece of cake dealing with an elder person who is downright mean, and unfortunately I've experienced some of that unpleasantness in recent years. I've been able to discern anger at me, even anger directed toward a pet which is inexcusable! And I can attribute anger to her situation, aging, dementia. I'm so grateful to have found this forum, to those who have offered support, thank you so much!
Thanks so much for this website.
Mary B.
Like the other day the hearing aid tech made an appointment to see my Mom at her house. This will be the third hearing aid company we have dealt with.... Mom is 97 and is in denial that her ears are failing her, not the hearing aids.
After the tech visited them at the house, Mom says "oh, he's playing games"... and Dad was saying "he's trying to get out of work". Say what? I had to chuckle about those complaints. I was just so glad I didn't need to drive my parents to the hearing aid office because it is no picnic.
Oh wait, sounds like I am complaining :P
Dad will complain that he is so bored. It use to bother me a lot hearing that, but I can't be their cruise director.... it took a therapist telling me that my parents have to live with the choices that THEY made, like not moving to a retirement community where they wouldn't be bored.
My Mom will always thanks me for getting their groceries [I use an on-line service which has been a life saver for me] but she will quietly remark that the bananas weren't green enough, or the milk didn't have a long enough expiration date, etc. Again, I have to keep telling myself "their choice", as if they had moved to that retirement community, they could get their own groceries every day.
Oh well, we will be grumpy ourselves when we are their age :P
my marriage is now in shambles and i'll be getting a divorce. i've done everything imaginable to include her in my 'new' life, one i never wanted as she has left me in the position of needing to share a space with her to be able to even stick around to see her thru her multiple issues of terminal cancer, a reoccurring cyst on her bladder making her incontinent and her right kidney shutting down.
i recently tore a ligament in my shoulder picking her up off the bathroom floor, where she had pee'd everywhere, because she decided to take 2 10mg ambiens to try to get some sleep, but then drank a bunch of beer before hitting the bed. fell during a trip to the bathroom. does she apologize? does she pay my dr visit? no. she seems completely unembarrassed by this event and further more, told me it was my fault for not just leaving her there.
i am at the end of my rope. this woman see's me try to be happy and upbeat. the minute she see's me experience the tiniest joy, she is there to stomp the embers out.
i literally hate myself for ever walking into this situation. it has been the least rewarding, worst decision of my life.
You mention that, "'FREE medical care and social service support the government provides." Does that mean she already has Medicade? If not,
have you tried to apply for Medicade for her for that will help pay for nursing home being she seems she is running out of options with the Assisting living? Last, you don't have to continue taking care of a family member. However, you may want to make sure she has a safe place to stay even though she uis complaing all the time. Maybe someone else can offer you some helpful advice on here.
I do hope other people here r able to have that compassion for their love one that they r taking care. Yet, everyday is not all sunshines. got to go cuts some more grass to drain me tired so I can put on my happy face for mnl. Sorry but today I am venting so everyone excuse me please....
I like the part you mention that, "Feel flattered. He or she knows you are made of better stuff than the visitors and trusts you so much, s/he feels free to be open with you. The others are fair weather friends and this is known."