Listening is so important, especially when you're trying to bring up the topic of hiring a home care agency for assistance with care. Most older loved ones will have concerns about hiring an outside caregiver and it's crucial to listen without judgement. This article is very insightful on how to start the conversation about home care with loved ones. https://www.comfortkeepers.com/offices/north-carolina/southern-pines/resources/resources/starting-the-conversation

GREAT ARTICLE... Listening is the relationship!!

Listening is a skill not easily learned. There is frequently an underlying message that may be difficult to find. For example someone who complains about an Aide leaving a walker too far away may be trying to tell their caregiver that something more serious is going on. Think about the toddler who screams and clings to it's mother every time a certain person comes to the house. The baby can't talk but the message is clear something is wrong.
Peoples characters don't change. If they have always been mean and nasty expect that to continue.
The oxygen is frequently an issue especially if it really is not essential. The patient will fuss about it and take it off and swear it is not working. The truth is it is not very comfortable having the cannula and it makes the nose sore and dry. As far as proving the oxygen is working just dipping the cannula in a glass of water will prove it is although the patient may still claim they can not feel it.
As far as dementia is concerned it is very important to keep a constant routine and not rearrange things in the home. The walls and furnishings should be simple and neutral with little pattern. It is very distressing for the patient to have things "tidied up" allow as much independence as possible by adding grab bars and removing rugs etc if accidents happen around the commode tack a large rug with waterproof backing to the floor underneath the commode so it can be easily changed or cleaned. Any chairs the patient uses should also be similarily protected. soiling may be deliberate not necessarily to annoy the caregiver but because in a way it is comforting as a baby may explore it's diaper.
One final thought is that it is sometimes possible to calm an end stage dementia patient by massaging them. The feet seem to work very well or perhaps the back if they have constant pain there. Keep some warm lotion nearby. Music or particular aromas such as lavender may also be helpful.
no one ever said caregiving was a walk in the park so if you see it coming your way learn as much as possible ahead of time and decide if you really can do it both mentally and physically. Long term caregiving is very different from taking on the care of someone in the final months of life. Both entail sacrifices and dedication and end of life care will be more intense but does seem to have a purpose. If your caregiving seems to have no purpose other than ruining your life don't do it. When there are other family members who could help but find it inconvenient don't be bullied into it. Everyone in your personal family must also agree so that marriages are not ruined and childhoods spoiled because there is a nasty old man or woman in the spare bedroom who poops on the floor of the only bathroom every day or pees in the corner of his room instead of in the commode, or drops his soiled Depends anywhere he fancies. Good wishes to those who can take it on with love.

I could certainly use some development of my own listening skills for all areas in my life. It's always good to have a reminder.

I have a few comments and questions about this article.

1. There is nothing in the article that tells us why "listening is a caregiver's secret weapon".
2. I find it inappropriate and maybe a little ironic to refer to listening as a "weapon" metaphorically.
3. It seems that it is in all of our nature to shut off instead of listening when we are about to hear what we think of as the same old gripe. Sometimes it feels like self preservation not to listen. The article suggests we listen beyond the same old gripe and hear what is behind it. I'd also be interested in "listening" to our own instinct to block it out. Where does that come from. Why are we so opposed to hearing that which we think we have heard before?

I help the elderly & enjoy it very much, but, I have to admit, that taking care of dementia people is emotionally draining. I know it's not them. I know it's the disease talking, but, no matter how much I try to change the subject quietly or divert their attention, they keep on screaming & complaining. I have a lot of patience & compassion, but, it does burn me out after awhile. Am I being selfish for feeling this way? Thanks for listeing

There are times when all a caregiver wants is to have others listen to them. Give them a voice and a compassionate listening ear.

My dad is only 79, and I've been caring for him for about 8 years now. How in God's name can I continue to hear the same stuff every day, day in day out, his regrets marrying my mother, his regrets about not goin to college., over and over again. In addition he's so OCD that he makes everyone else's life his priority and drives me crazy over a light being out. I'm thinking maybe earplugs and wear my hair down or something. It's really hard to take because I have to hear my father badmouth my mom, and my brother, my ex, everyone else in the world, on and on....he is depressing to be around for even five minutes. As soon as my son sees him surfacing, he goes to his room. My father has NO outside interests. I got him Netflix for his computer but he acts as if I'm his mother/wife/daughter/therapist friend/shrink/caregiver, etc. I'm going just a little crazy........

I kind of understand what the article is saying about slowing down and listening. For I have been in past situation for 2yrs. I had to go on dialysis 3times a wk and you are stuck laying their for a few hours while you rely on someone else to make sure you don't pass out, or puke for having too much fluid being drawn too quickly or possible heart attack. You have to put yourself in their shoe's sometimes to hear what your love one is saying-sometimes. I did say sometimes for caregivers need a life as well and who is taking care of the caregiver? I know one day that I will be old too however, I hope I am not as negative all the time as the mnl. I do listen and try to bring her out of the negative feeling but sometimes you can only do so much and just go get in your car and crank up the radio and scream the top of your lungs off. Then, start humming, beating and singing to the music to get you back in a positive mood and tell yourself it is the disease and not the mnl, sometimes. ; )

isn't this true of any age?

SacrificingDaughter,

Get your mom and your aunt out of your home!!! How in the world have you been able to keep your sanity much less your marriage with 21 years of mom in your home? Why have you made yourself such a sacrificial daughter? Whatever has you so trapped, I'd say needs some serious therapy for you to be a full adult and your husband's wife instead of your mother's little girl slave. I know this sounds harsh, but believe me their is some pain feeling for you and your situation that my bluntness is coming from. If it is your house, then get them out of there. If it is there house, they you and your husband get out of there. Have you had to raised children in this abusive environment?

Having lived through a total of 5 years of caregiving with my Mom with 3.5 years in our home ..and her as a total invalid for 2 years.. I can ony repeat what a few others have said. Most of the time... the anger, criticism, ranting etc are never about you it is their anger and frustration at what they can't do or change. They would likely do the same, regardless of who was caring for them. You happen to be close by. It is difficult to do but one copes best by learning to turn off all our inherent biases and expectations so that WE aren't filtering everything said or done to reflect on our own self worth. Find your worth from others...not from the person who has dementia.

I could understand what you all are going through.
my wife is in the middle stage of dementia, and i know how dificult is to take care of a love one that`s going though this stage. And what we need is to fine time to be along by ourself
to relax and maybe read a book.
my wife wakes up about 10;30 every morning, so i set my alarm
clock for 5;00am, so i have 5 hours to do what i love the most
read the bible and materia that helps understand it.
above all i meditate on what i read, this helps me relax.
try it, you will be amaze of the resolves.

We must accept change, which often seems unbearable. If it is possible to make other arrangements and stop being a doormat for this dysfunctional situation, I would do so at my earliest convenience. You are enabling this situation. You will feel so much better about yourself and may give yourself a chance to "live". Exactly how you do this, I do not know all the details and am not a counselor.--which is something you might seek for your own preservation. I thought I had problems. p.s. my mother still hates her sister who is dead. -- i.e. my Aunt-who gave me the world. And be lucky your husband has been able to tolerate this. You still have him, for now.

My mother has lived with my husband and I for 21 years. My dad passed 10 years ago. Since then my mother will not listen to any of my concern or suggestions. She has become bitter, nasty and negative. I have taken her sister, my 92 year old aunt in to our home because she lived alone. Once they were close but now my mother treats her like dirt and if I didn't know better would say that mom hated her sister. She does nothing but complain about her, and makes faces at her, and speaks horribly to her sister. And she has become this way with me as well. I have made sacrifices to let my mother live in my home, my marriage has suffered, and I have given up so much, and she shows her appreciation by telling me that "she deserves it". This is a horrible way to end a relationship that was once loving, caring and respectful. I am so sad and have no idea what to do.

Hey Danna, Oh I know where you are coming from! My mom has always been critical, and now its over the edge, but the cat seems to be immune. You poor thing!

Hey Punkersad, I come from a long line of deaf and hoh people, tho my mom is not one of them, so I know all about the hearing aid thing... Both my dad and I have had them since we were tiny and I finally caved and got them inplanted. (not a Cochlear Implant, just the aids implanted) What a JOY!

The doctors dont seem worried because they dont live with us. My mom also has wonderful moments, yet, there are many more confusing and hard ones...

Blessings to ya! LI

She has been to the hearing doctor who gave her 2 hearing aids, then gave her one hearing aid and finally she stepped on it and would not replace it. When she did have the aids on everything was too loud or she cant filter it. She has been diagnosed with dementia. You should see the clock she draws. I have been told that there is no answer to why she wipes out and becomes a zombie every once in a while. They just give her the standard tests, find nothing wrong, she wakes up in about 2 hours not remembering anything. They take her off medicines and then put her back and cant figure it out. She has had small tias which was the original cause of the speech problems. The changing words around is a new problem so i dont know if it is an extension of the speech problem or the stroke problem or the dementia. The doctors do not have the answer and dont seem all that worried about it.

Mom never used to be so critical, but that is coming out now more and more. She even rages at the cat, but I now realize that this is more about what she can no longer do- he is her scapegoat! What I find so difficult is her change in personality and not being able to share conversation with her like I used to. What I need to talk to her about are my concerns about HER, and that just doesn't work anymore. I am finding I need to ALLOW things to be as they are, and not to take what she says personally.

Punkersad. The less said the better, I have learned. As for mom, if she is open to seeing a Dr. about her hearing, I think that is well advised. I think you would know by now if your mom had a stroke or has dimentia. That is another thing a Dr. can evaluate. You need to narrow down the issues and try to help her solve them (if she is willing) so that you can procede ahead and have a better life for both of you. If she's been this way MOST/ALL her life (it get's worse with age) than you are dealing with a chronic pain in the butt, like I am . Good Luck.

My mom hates for me to repeat what she says too. My mom is forever asking me what i said and then when I talk louder she moves away and looks startled and frightened. I have never ever hit her so I dont know what that is about. I try real hard to reach a happy medium but I cant figure it out. She also mumbles and slurs her words when she is tired and sometimes she will say a sentence that makes no sense at all. I think it is from the dementia or stroke. When I ask her to repeat those ones she tells me to shut up so I dont think she understands what she is saying either. I really really hate when she tells me to shut up. It is usually when I am trying to help her. She has a weird hearing loss. If there is a lot of noise she cant hear anything and has this totally confused look on her face but if it is quiet she can hear whispers. I guess her filters to sort things out doesnt work.

Sigh. My Mom HATES it when I rpeeat back to her what she just said (Of course, unfortunately I usually only need to do that when she has made an aphasic error I can't figure out). Last time she said - You're making fun of me!" and I expalined no, no no, I just can't figure out what you really want and if I know what you meant, I'd have done it already - Mom, no one should make fun of you for ohaveing had a stroke with aphasia - then she said, angrily - "you're TRAINING me!" I. Can't Win.

I am helping take care of my mother -in-law and sister-in-law and find that when I really listen and repeat back to them what I hear, it helps calm them. I think it helps them feel real. That they still matter. I try not to get upset when they are angry, because they just need to vent. They feel safe with me to be honest.

I dont think so because like the research says 40% of the caregivers are dying before their caregivees. Unless they put them in group homes-- they will outlive us all. Ahhhhhh the wonders of modern science. improve the quantity of life-- forget about the quality. Somethings mess up with the proprieties here.

People are living much longer with the help of caregivers, drugs, operations, medical procedures and equipment to keep them alive. Going back to the "Listen" column at hand. It's time patients or families "listen" to the realistic situation-when it's time to go it's time to go. Keeping people alive with no quality of life is insane, besides the financial burden on the system and draining the lives of people that still have a chance at a life. My sister, as a full time teacher, is expected to take care of her 95 yr. old mother-in-law (in gram's home) after 2 hip relacements, open heart surgery and other ailments. It is physically impossible for my sister.. Gram's would have passed in her sleep peacefully, by now if God had his way.

There are so many of us in the same situation. I run into people when I'm out at stores who tell me their story. It's getting scary because these old people are consuming too much time and energy. Will society shut down because there are only old people and those who care for them?

I can just see that. My mom's is on the floor more often then not. She never looks for it. She is supposed to use it when she is sleeping but she does not.

Hah! Punkersad! You made me grin cheshire-style. I know the oxygen on but not in the nose senario surprisingly well! THe other day Mother rang her bell in a panic, saying she couldnt breathe and the oxygen was not working. Oh Dear... I looked around. Where IS the oxygen? Why isn't it in your NOSE?... Then I listened, "Where is that bubbling coming from?" Ah, There was the cannula carefully placed deep in the tea cup happily oxygenation the brew. "Mother how did the oxygen get in there?" "Oh... It doesnt go there does it? its all wet" yupp wet and sticky, but the tea was delicious! Sometimes I just have to laugh.

SERENITY PRAYER:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I get out too but only as far as my garden with a baby monitor by my side. Ok cellphone, check, telephone, check, baby monitor check, mom need pop? check, glasses close by, check, comode close by and stable, check, oxygen on, oxygen in her nose check, (2 very very different things ) tv on. pillows fluffed. ok I am ready to go. it takes about 1/2 and my pants are almost falling down from the weight of the baby monitor and 2 phones but yeah I am free for the 1 hour she allows me before she calls me in again to turn off the tv get her on the comode, turn the light on or off. appearances can be very very deceiving spiralli.

WOW all of you appear so together! There are times when I just have to leave the room, the house, the city... to be able to function. I live with my mom and dad and mom is in the middle stages of dementia and as the comment above states she has a "critical spirit" - always has. Now it is at Critical Mass!

Acceptance is the key... Another key I find is getting into nature, breathing all of the fussification out of my system and returning to the frey fresh and available.

Blessings to all, Li

Yeah, I hear you - my mom tends to be that way too. She never hesitated to call me stupid in one breath and then brag about me andmy job to someone in the next. It realy hurt the first time she called me an ***hole for not figuring out what she wanted or dong somethign fast enough. I too just have to keep visits short unless we are occupied with some task that keeps her attention and does not let her worry and fuss. I have to realize that for her its partly the dementia, added to a critical spirit - which I get the brunt of, being an ony child, and therefore the only person she sees it as her responsibility to perfect. As far as reading between the lines - Ihave had to learn, sadly, that "that's not mie!" about an article or clothing etc., means "I don't like it" (sad that she does not feel free to just say "I don't like it, she can only feel what she is suposed to feel...likewise saying she is allergic to some food item just means she does not like it or want it right now - her "allergies" change from day to day. I need to take care they don't all end up on her chart. :-)

Mom is just doing what she thinks is right, and now, that's all she really has left to do. I'm working on acceptance these days.