Thank you for this lust. I was caregiver of my mother for four years. I lost all of my friends and feel guilty because I couldn't be there when she passed in the nursing home in January. I know in my heart she knew I was there for her most of the time but sometimes I feel like I let her down and caused her death because I had to put her there. This brought tears to my eyes and they are still there. All I can do is tell myself that I did everything I could and I did my best for her. I miss her, she was my best friend.

When we took care of my f-i-l in our home for his last year of life, I felt very honored to give back to him after a lifetime of giving to us. Loved him dearly. Now I'm taking care of my husband, who has had Early Onset. While I agree with many of the points of the article, and on another day might feel differently, I feel like I'm straining to keep my head above water. It's been much harder with my husband than his dad, maybe because it's been longer. I don't feel blessed that my soul mate is being taken away from me, piece by piece. I do have support and use aides, but it's a heartbreaking process. Hugs to all~

Thank you. I asked God for a few words He sent you today. Thank you.

EXCELLENT! I am 61 and have been caring for mom for over 6 years. She now has advanced dementia. It's been heart wrenching to witness her demise. I agree with what you have written 100%. Many are called but few will rise to the challenge. It takes immense love to not.."not be there". I look at mom, as she lays in bed and watches TV in her hospital bed at HOME. I thank God for allowing me to keep her safe and cared for the way we should all be if we cannot care for ourselves. Noone is ever going to take care of your love one like you because YOU LOVE THEM. Dad is doing great. He is 92, and has been the love of my mothers life for over 66 years. She lights up when she sees him rushing towards her bed in the morning to give her a few morning kisses. I have been a blessing in their lives but I too have been blessed. To witness such a love. To be there for those "God kisses" when she smiles and briefly mentions my name before she's gone again. Those days when she is lauging all the time and making no sense as she speaks and has me laughing too. Those days when she cries and I can hold, cuddle and comfort her with more love than words can say. I am not avoiding the moments that can try my last nerve, especially at the hospital. I am the youngest of four. Sadly, I am the one "handling" pretty much everything. Thankfully, I still have my Mom..and we are still making memories. I still have my Dad ...and he is doing just fine. Yes, this experience will change who and how you are...in sooo many wonderful ways...Priceless!

Great article. I can attest because I am going through it with my 88 year old mom. Some days I just find myself sobbing because I can't get her to understand the importance of taking certain medications.
And at times she can be just plain mean and insulting to her son who only wants what's best for her. I know some day I won't regret all the pain I went through but at the moment it's very difficult. Thank you.

thanks!

I hear you, Ryan88. For many people in many situations, especially those in situations they don't wish to be in but can't escape, there's no joy at all. I don't find the points in the article applicable at all to my caregiving relationship with my mother, which has been going on for more than 5 years now.

I understand the points, though. I helped take care of my older sister who died a few months ago, and yes there were precious moments, and it was meaningful to me to be there while she was dying. I did feel I was doing something valuable. But, it was my sister, whom I loved. And I wasn't giving up my life to be at the beck and call of someone who should have planned for their own old age but didn't. Who could have been doing a lot more for herself but wouldn't. Who tries to manipulate me with guilt and pity to give up more and more of remaining good years to her. Who believes all her wants and whims are critical needs and nobody else's needs ought to be considered. That's my mother. Maybe somebody could find value in taking care of her, but that somebody is not me.

I am 28 and taking care of my mom who in the middle stages of early onset Alzheimer's. None of these points are valid to me. There is no reward. There is no sense of accomplishment. How can you feel accomplishment when things only get worse on a day to day basis. I am in financial ruins and my health is taking a nose dive from the stress and the complete lack of time I have to take care of myself. My words of advice... if you are young and going to be taking care of someone with dementia... don't. just run far far away. In the long run you will be saving your life.

How can I handle of stress of being caregiver?

This article brought tears to my eyes as well. And today I needed it. Thank you.

I do not believe this article paints a "rosy picture" It is intended to help us who are drowning in a care-giving situation. It is far too easy to focus on all the negatives, myself included. Please go back and read it with a new point of view. Those who are taking offense, really do need find to find a way to focus on something positive. If you don't, you are heading for an emotional and physical trainwreck!
I did appreciate this article. I believe the writer is very much in touch with the hard side of putting one's life on hold for another.

According to what I read on this site, the majority of those who post on this site would not find caregiving an elderly parent as rewarding. Who would find joy in working 24/7, lack of sleep, dealing with dementia, coping with incontinence, jumping through the maize of healthcare issues, dealing with elderly bad behavior, caregiver burnout, being the sandwich generation responsible for the care of elderly parents and children, stress related health decline due to caregiving and on and on.

No, it's not enough.

No one should sacrifice their life, unremittingly, for the life of another. Caregivers need practical and financial assistance to make caregiving bearable.

Today I needed this post. I just finished telling God, I didn't know how much more I could take. Mom was mad at me, because I couldn't find anything to make her stop belching. She has been belching for almost 5 hours. I have tried everything except the kitchen sink. She was mad at me for not trying "something else". Of course with Alz she doesn't understand it's not going to hurt her, it's just annoying. I finally got her to eat some yogurt, and tried to ignore her for awhile and then she comes to me and says, "you're not mad at me are you? " Now who feels guilty? After Christmas, I have to place her in an assisted living home, in order to keep my marriage together. It is the hardest decision I have ever made, but my husband has given up 3 years of his life for me to have her with me. He wants to travel, while his health is good. I don't know how I am going to do this, but I guess I will....

This is one of the most inspiring articles that I have ever read. Thank you so much for giving me one more reason to keep going. Your article's on point. Even if this is a lonely job, it a job worth doing. Thank you again.

I just want to add that my father passed this last Monday. He had Lewy Body Dementia. It was a truly difficult last ten months of his life, so both he and myself are now at peace with his passing.
But, I have to say that the two years I have been daily going to this website and gleening information and encouragement and support from so many people and so many topics, I was able to cope with the situations that arose with my dad, as well as learn so much about caregiving. I had two years of excellent hands-on training. Now, I hope to further use those skills by helping others in finding caregiving jobs out in my community to support myself. I know there are many people who need loving, trained assistance and I've learned how to do it, thanks to all of you. It took "a community" to help me get Dad through his last journey; now I can help others.

This article brought tears to my eyes and very much helped me. I find it an honor to be there for my mother, age 84 and of very sound mind yet confined to a chronic care facility due to issues following open heart surgery during May, 2009. Admittedly I am not a 24/7 caregiver because my mother is at this facility, but this experience has changed my life as I was so used to having a healthy mother and companion. The love that I have for my mother is enormous. I get no family support which I have learned to accept. Anger about that was not positive for me. Today I will spend with my mother and look forward to it. She is my best friend and was always there for me. Now is my turn to be there for her. She deserves no less.

Honeyswife,

What you wrote is very true because it is rather invalidating to say 'just look at the bright side' Wow a 24 year spread of age difference between you and your husband! Was he 48 and you 24, when ya'll got married?

I find the combination of being 53, on disability for the last 8 years with a wife also on full disability for the last 9 years, with one child in college, and another with a recent diagnosis of ADHD, and being the only child of a declining mother in a nursing home with step-siblings and step-parent in her second marriage, not to mention my dad's second marriage to all be far too much like what I did professionally for 20 years and am so burned out that I'm a shell of who I used to be that this caregiving thing, even with mom in a nursing home is often too much!!!!

I am caring for my husband, he is 82 and I am 58. He has Alzheimer's and recently had several small strokes. I work full time and until recently, had part time help in our home. I feel over whelmed, not only by the added workload, but in the fact that I am losing my husband of 20 years. My heart is broken. We often hear of someone caring for a parent. & even a spouse when they are closer in age. We don't fall into either category. I am nowhere near retirement and I see a long road ahead of us. I feel very frightened and alone. Because this is my spouse, there are no "siblings" to help out. His adult children don't live anywhere near us. My daughter helps as much as she can, but she has her own young family and work obligations. Friends don't know what to do, so they stop calling. Medicare (home health) only helped for a short time after a hospital stay. The nursing care facility was a nightmare. (ended up reporting them to the health dept). I don't mean to sound negative, Oh my! Yes there are moments that make my heart sing. But, by only acknowledging " the bright side" it does an injustice to those of us who are struggling.

As primary caregiver for my father who died last month at the age of 91, I can attest to all the points in this article. Being a caregiver to an aging parent was one of the most difficult tasks of my life. From the standpoint of hindsight, I am beginning to believe that I have learned so much from this experience than could not possibly be learned in other ways. We are grieving, but we are also grateful.