The author of this article is telling us that the issue is "Self Talk". In my work career hey day, I was a keynote speaker...The company or group that hired me called me a "Motivational Speaker". I requested that they bill me as an "Inspirational Speaker" Everyone is motivated...one person is motivated to jump out of bed at 7am with a smile and let's get going attitude while another person is motivated to stay in bed and take their time getting up and starting their day. An Inspirational speaker wants to inspire a person to think about things in different ways. Everyone has a different comfort and coping level. As a caregiver taking care of yourself is the most important part of your agenda. Some people are willing to try various methods of coping and some actually enjoy feeling sorry for themselves and don't want to try anything new. Some things to keep in mind during the care giving journey....... watch our for: NIOPS (negative influence of other people sayings) They will say things like "you are doing a great job of caregiving, hope you survive" "They say caregiving ages a person three times as fast as normal" You get the drift they start on a positive and always end on a negative. 2. IFN....This is a type of self talk that says "This would not be so hard if only other people really understood." "If only there was a light at the end of the tunnel I could..." "this would be easier IF ONLY I were younger, richer, nicer, meaner etc." 3. Should of, Would of, Could of......."I should be more assertive, laid back, quiet, talkative" "I would try taking better care of myself first however, I would ask others to help however. I could of had a better life than this If Only. Our self talk does make a difference in how we view or handle things no matter how awful they are. I am learning from my mistakes and wins as I go along this care giving journey. There are times that I feel I am living in a sitcom....when a bad situation happens it hits me hard and is difficult to handle..then after some time and looking back I laugh because of how outrageous it was. Unless someone has walked and talked it they do not really understand this care taker role.
Those of you beginning on this caregiving journey, please think twice. I'm nearly 14 years into it and had I known what I know now, I never would have done it. Once you burn out, you will never be the same again, not to mention all the years you've lost.
I re-read this article and it sounds just like the PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) messages we got when (long ago) I was in the Amway business. "Think and Grow Rich" was one of the books promoted. She quotes Charles Swindoll who is a Chrsitian Pastor and this sounds to me like the "word-faith" religion where your words have POWER and so therefore you can speak into existence what you desire. Ok, yes, words have power in the sense that they can be uplifting or degrading.
Oh, and Gershun. Please don't shut up. We need all the voices and perspectives we can get. : )
Did not read the article! But I believe in free speech, and generally, speaking well of others, as far as it is possible. I don't think Gershun should shut up or keep quiet.
Gershun, I'd never tell a poster to shut up. Well, OK maybe not "never" -- there are a few cases where I've come close. But surely not over the writing style in a post that is years old. And not sincere people just expressing an opinion. So you are safe from me saying "shut up" -- and I suggest you refrain from saying it to yourself, also!
Jeanne you are right though when you say that it just sort of embodied what I've always felt about how I feel people should talk and be with everyone, not just people we are caring for. Maybe I should just shut up now and quit while I'm ahead. :)
If you allow yourself to be drawn into the links to other articles you can appreciate it as part of a series of thoughts about caregiving. Many of those early articles are excellent, and the people who read them as they were published may have seen some continuity in the comments, 5 years later on not so much.
As for those people saying unflattering things about their care recipients, I think a lot of us feel free to come here and confess our innermost thoughts and worst transgressions because it is anonymous, and we crave absolution for what we have thought/done from others who have been there. We can spent 99 days giving exemplary care, but it is the one day when all h*ll breaks loose that we write about, so we sometimes give others a skewed impression of our lives.
When it comes to those dealing with a truly dysfunctional family, I have learned so much reading those threads and am amazed at the ability of people to grow in such difficult circumstances, and at their willingness to reach out to others who are less self aware to help them "see the forest for the trees". For some the journey has only just begun.
I have never been in the most unfavorable position of taking care of an impossible to please person. My husband stayed the laid-back, accepting, swell guy he'd always been. The dementia was clearly the enemy -- not him. And my sisters and I are always commenting to each other how lucky we are to have such a sweetheart for a mother, even into her dementia.
If this article confirmed your own manner of speaking about/to your sweet mother, I'm glad it served some good purpose. Notice, though, that you were behaving that way before you even read this article. :)
Janny I totally feel compassion for those of you who are caring for not so lovable people in your life. I was very lucky to have the Mom that I did. I know that not everyone is as fortunate.
I just hear on this forum sometimes people almost making fun of their Mothers and Fathers. It makes me sad. If I were to have ever spoken about my Mom in not so flattering terms I would of felt like I was betraying her in some way. I understand the frustration and stress of looking after someone who has dementia but some of the comments I have heard on this forum are almost insulting. I hope one day if I have fallen victim to the ravages of dementia that I won't be referred to in insulting terms.
Hate the disease, put down the disease, make fun of the disease but try and leave the innocent person who is suffering from it out of it. Thats all I am trying to say.
Gershun..you are right. Not everyone has a wonderful parent like you. You are very lucky. I "care" for my dad who is 86, almost 87. He loves money. Won't spend a dime to maintain his property (1 acre) now that he cant do it . But he never really did it anyway because my husband and I were always there to help. It's a long story but suffice to say that we help because there is no one else and those who could won't. AND we do love him as stubborn, stinky and impossible as he is he's my dad and I love him. He helped me when I needed it and now I'm helping him but it isnt always easy. So be grateful for your wonderful mom and have compassion for those of us who have a more difficult one.
I suppose you are right Jeanne. I do find an awful lot of people on AC sounding very frustrated and complaining about the people they are caring for. It makes me wonder sometimes why they are doing it at all.
If you find yourself in a place where all you are feeling is resentful towards your loved one and have forgotten that the reason you started taking care of them in the first place is because you love them? Or not? Maybe we need reminding now and then. As I said in an earlier post I never struggled with those feelings with my own Mom cause she was always as nice as could be.
Gershun, I'm fully aware that attitude makes a huge difference in my ability to cope. No argument there. I cared for my husband with dementia for 10 years. It was exceedingly rewarding. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
It was also the most difficult thing I've ever done. It was hard and challenging and frustrating. That is simply the truth.
Well I was looking after my Mother for a long time. I can't put a number on it cause I was looking out for her in some capacity or other for too long to count.
I understand perfectly the stress etc. that is involved with being a caretaker but I also feel that in the midst of it all if I had allowed myself to go to that dark place of being negative all the time it wouldn't of benefited me and certainly would of made everything that much harder. But in my case my Mom was a sweetheart. She always had been. So I cannot relate to those of you who are caring for impossible people who are hard to love at the best of times.
All I can comment on is my experiences so for those of you who think that the article was ridiculous, well I guess you must be in the most unfavorable position of taking care of an impossible to please person. If that had been the case with my Mom I probably wouldn't of taken on the task to begin with. So kudos to you I guess.
anyone who responds ~ i'd like you to please include how many years and to whom you've been caregiving...definitely will give a perspective on your comment....thanks!
Funny I thought the article was good. I don't think it was trying to say Let a smile be your umbrella, and lets all drink the happy Kool Aid. I think what it was trying to say is perspective is more important than we realize and that what we put out there comes back to us tenfold. Sort of the glass is half empty or half full attitude.
Obviously, when you are trying to un impact your Mom's bowel you aren't going to be loudly singing "Don't Worry, Be Happy". I think maybe we shouldn't take things so literally.Just my opinion though.
i'm watching my mother die and not 'grow up and thrive' as you would see with a child.....she is a negative person ~ always was and there is no changing her at 83 years old.....she refuses to exercise, get out of bed and is currently giving me the silent treatment because i said she has it so much better than other people her age...that she is atrophying by not walking....she needs to get through it...and by walking i mean to walk out of her room, into the kitchen and back to her room....there are rare thank you's....my so called friends have left me since i can't do 'fun' stuff with them....as a caregiver your basically alone and if you haven't gone through it you can not possibly understand
I found this site a couple days ago after a particularly stressful day with my mother-in-law who lives with us. I was helped just reading what other people were venting and I didn't focus on their words but the feelings that came through those words was what helped me!
I am beginning my 11 year of caregiving, but the fifth of doing just about everything for him. For me the worst is the incontinence every day and about 5 times a day. The Diapers don't hold enough, I am constantly, washing clothes, him, drying him, changing him, cleaning up floors, and walls around the toilets. It is exhausting. He is easy to please and very pleasant most of the time. He just wants to be near me. That is fine, but sometimes I just want a little space. This year is the first that I have had 10 hours of caregiving time and a real respite vacation. VA paid for everything and I am extremely grateful. I was only home two weeks when I felt burned out again. It is really too much, having no help from family and I do it all. I do have a Stephen minister who comes to the house every week and listens to me complain. She is awesome. I try to be positive, and smily to my husband because it is not his fault. The Alzheimer's Disease has taken 95% of his brain by now. He doesn't know my name, but he knows I take good care of him. We have been married 37 years in September. He is not the same man I married, that;s for sure. But he is still the person I love. Yes I am burned out now and seeking relief!
The one issue that I see that causes many caregivers to break down is an idealistic hope that burns eternal that their narcissistic parent is going to magically change into the loving parent that they never were or ever will be despite all of one's heroic efforts.
The symptoms are seen is how they dishonor their marriages, their children, their friends and themselves when it comes their own health and finances all in the name of honoring their parent as if that is what God wants them to do.
The solution is to get real about the fact that such a personality is not going to change by sacrifice or by reason, plus one has been groomed by that parent into this unhealthy enmeshment and codependency which is actually unhealthy love in which they are everything and the adult child is nothing. Next, get counseling and begin to detach by setting boundaries. Dam the torpedoes they send to suck you back in and take no prisoners in your pursuit to get out and stay out of their abuse.
It can be done. You are not alone. There is help, People are getting their freedom. So, stop doing what you were groomed to do for a narcissistic or borderline parent.
Sticking with such grooming is what I see as the number one cause that brings so many caregivers down into social, psychological, physical and financial brokenness.
I have been the Main Caregiver for my mom (she asked me to, when she got sick) for almost nine yrs and now my other brothers and sisters are not being supportive 2 siblings have convinced the others that All I w as by is my moms house and money and is giving me he'll. Iown my own house n have my own money , so I feel like throwing in the towel. It is a stressful sisituation without having to deal with them. I feel bad about wanting to leave moma to them but I am tired. By the way she barely have enough to take care of het needs let alone having me taking any. I try to find deals on diapers , food, supplies, and still handle home repairs and utilities plus insurance and make her feel special. No vacations for me, no outings always worried about phone ringing her being sick n just not making her feel scared or alone. Help , I am tired of this FAMILY
Being a new caregiver I understand the intent but once in a while you have to set the record straight or else it will keep going. We cant be smiling Sam all the time! Yes we HAVE TO VENT, or explode! I get no assistance from my family so it is hard, even w dad being mobile. It goes with teachers and nurses, sometime the grumpy ones are the best because they are doing their job and not being superficial. They don't have to smile all the time, they just need to do their job!.
I spend 95% of my caregiving time being positive, supportive, helpful, kindly, caring, attentive, strategic, and alert. I come to aging care to get support, to share with others who feel like I do some the time. I get so much from this website....I just won't be cheerful and delightful and upbeat all the time here. Sorry.
107 Comments
First Oldest
First
How Communication Can Influence Your Caregiving Experience
As a caregiver taking care of yourself is the most important part of your agenda. Some people are willing to try various methods of coping and some actually enjoy feeling sorry for themselves and don't want to try anything new.
Some things to keep in mind during the care giving journey.......
watch our for: NIOPS (negative influence of other people sayings) They will say things like "you are doing a great job of caregiving, hope you survive"
"They say caregiving ages a person three times as fast as normal" You get the drift they start on a positive and always end on a negative.
2. IFN....This is a type of self talk that says "This would not be so hard if only other people really understood." "If only there was a light at the end of the tunnel I could..." "this would be easier IF ONLY I were younger, richer, nicer, meaner etc."
3. Should of, Would of, Could of......."I should be more assertive, laid back, quiet, talkative" "I would try taking better care of myself first however, I would ask others to help however. I could of had a better life than this If Only.
Our self talk does make a difference in how we view or handle things no matter how awful they are.
I am learning from my mistakes and wins as I go along this care giving journey. There are times that I feel I am living in a sitcom....when a bad situation happens it hits me hard and is difficult to handle..then after some time and looking back I laugh because of how outrageous it was. Unless someone has walked and talked it they do not really understand this care taker role.
Once you burn out, you will never be the same again, not to mention all the years you've lost.
Oh, and Gershun. Please don't shut up. We need all the voices and perspectives we can get. : )
I don't think Gershun should shut up or keep quiet.
As for those people saying unflattering things about their care recipients, I think a lot of us feel free to come here and confess our innermost thoughts and worst transgressions because it is anonymous, and we crave absolution for what we have thought/done from others who have been there. We can spent 99 days giving exemplary care, but it is the one day when all h*ll breaks loose that we write about, so we sometimes give others a skewed impression of our lives.
When it comes to those dealing with a truly dysfunctional family, I have learned so much reading those threads and am amazed at the ability of people to grow in such difficult circumstances, and at their willingness to reach out to others who are less self aware to help them "see the forest for the trees". For some the journey has only just begun.
If this article confirmed your own manner of speaking about/to your sweet mother, I'm glad it served some good purpose. Notice, though, that you were behaving that way before you even read this article. :)
I just hear on this forum sometimes people almost making fun of their Mothers and Fathers. It makes me sad. If I were to have ever spoken about my Mom in not so flattering terms I would of felt like I was betraying her in some way. I understand the frustration and stress of looking after someone who has dementia but some of the comments I have heard on this forum are almost insulting. I hope one day if I have fallen victim to the ravages of dementia that I won't be referred to in insulting terms.
Hate the disease, put down the disease, make fun of the disease but try and leave the innocent person who is suffering from it out of it. Thats all I am trying to say.
If you find yourself in a place where all you are feeling is resentful towards your loved one and have forgotten that the reason you started taking care of them in the first place is because you love them? Or not? Maybe we need reminding now and then. As I said in an earlier post I never struggled with those feelings with my own Mom cause she was always as nice as could be.
It was also the most difficult thing I've ever done. It was hard and challenging and frustrating. That is simply the truth.
I understand perfectly the stress etc. that is involved with being a caretaker but I also feel that in the midst of it all if I had allowed myself to go to that dark place of being negative all the time it wouldn't of benefited me and certainly would of made everything that much harder. But in my case my Mom was a sweetheart. She always had been. So I cannot relate to those of you who are caring for impossible people who are hard to love at the best of times.
All I can comment on is my experiences so for those of you who think that the article was ridiculous, well I guess you must be in the most unfavorable position of taking care of an impossible to please person. If that had been the case with my Mom I probably wouldn't of taken on the task to begin with. So kudos to you I guess.
Obviously, when you are trying to un impact your Mom's bowel you aren't going to be loudly singing "Don't Worry, Be Happy". I think maybe we shouldn't take things so literally.Just my opinion though.
The symptoms are seen is how they dishonor their marriages, their children, their friends and themselves when it comes their own health and finances all in the name of honoring their parent as if that is what God wants them to do.
The solution is to get real about the fact that such a personality is not going to change by sacrifice or by reason, plus one has been groomed by that parent into this unhealthy enmeshment and codependency which is actually unhealthy love in which they are everything and the adult child is nothing. Next, get counseling and begin to detach by setting boundaries. Dam the torpedoes they send to suck you back in and take no prisoners in your pursuit to get out and stay out of their abuse.
It can be done. You are not alone. There is help, People are getting their freedom. So, stop doing what you were groomed to do for a narcissistic or borderline parent.
Sticking with such grooming is what I see as the number one cause that brings so many caregivers down into social, psychological, physical and financial brokenness.