I am the sole caregiver for my boyfriend. Everything I do day and night is to help him, but he is never satisfied with the way I do anything. He complains and criticizes me the entire time he is awake. And if while trying to help him I accidently step on his toe or something minor like that, he accuses me of doing it purposely. I have never said no to him except for the other night when he demanded that I pull off the pad he was lying on, his comforter, then the sheets, for absolutely no logical reason. I am trying to stay nice all the time but sometime it is very hard.

Great advice! I've had insults about my hair and clothes hurled at me by mother (now deceased) and two sisters for years. I used to be overweight and lost it all (now a size 2). I also like to wear my hair longer than any of them. Both sisters have very short hair, which is nice for them. I have stood up for myself by telling one that I did have a short haircut when I was very young. I am now in my 60s and prefer it longer. I am no longer 18 years old. The other sister says, "You hair is dry" and actually touches it. She has told me that I didn't dress right when I came to her northern Minnesota cabin. Okay, I don't live in the 50s or 60s anymore. These are both older sisters but it still is not appropriate for them to make these comments. I've always been supportive of them, how they look, and what they do!!! Talk about narcissistic.

Thanks for the article.
Mary B.

Let me share my story with all of you. I took care of my mother for 3 years while working, driving every week to another town to do her shopping, cleaning her apt, and doing her laundry. I did this for 3 days every week, worked the other 3 days, with one day for myself. Mom could do some things on her own, but she did quit driving. Finally I had to retire in 2012 to become her fulltime caregiver, leaving my family behind for 2 years. My husband was very supportive during this time. Toward the end after 3 hospitalizations, 2 stints in rehab, hospice did take her as a patient, but did not offer any home "help" since I was a nurse. They thought I could do it all, which entailed, giving meds, cooking meals plus all that I had already been doing. She was in renal failure, heart failure, and diabetic. All which began to affect her thinking, so her comments many times were very inappropriate. Nice way of saying, yes my feelings were hurt, and I could have hated her and the situation. But, no one to help, leaving me very alone. Some of the "other" hospice nurses were critical of my care due to my mother's choice of topics or conversation. Would I do it again? probably not, was it rewarding, not always. It is and you will also find it is the hardest job you've ever had to do. She brought me into this world, the least I could do was to help her die with dignity. That I will never regret.

Obnoxious whining and repetitive criticism is a personality defect. The more one accepts it the more it will occur. Usually those who don't criticize others are at the receiving end of this type of behavior. I would recommend encouraging the criticizer "is there something you LIKE about what i am doing?"

I live in a family of 5, including parents. From an early age, I dreamed big. My mother fully supported me, and would endlessly supply me with things that would help me achieve my goals. My father was a different story. He is a well known business man where I live, and believe's the only acceptable job for me and my brothers is to follow him into business. I am no businesswoman, and my father lowered my self esteem considerably since a young age. He would criticize me and sometimes completely ignore me for long periods of time. When asked by my friends why my father acted this way, I simply replied "Im not sure". That was my best answer then. Also, My mother and father favor my brothers over me. Its pretty obvious that they do, much to the extent that random people would ask "Is this your daughter?". They spoil on of my brothers rotten, he currently has 4 ipads (Ipad 2,Ipad 3, Ipad 1, and Ipad Air) and he is just plain mean. He's so used to getting what he wants, that he loses sight of the fact other people have feelings. He expects everyone to obey him, and throws tantrums daily. He is rude, and enjoys it when other people are hurt or in trouble. He torments his relatives and abuses his cousins, even from a young age. He literally has no social life, and whenever friends of his come over, they instantly ask to go home because all he does is play on his dang iPad. My 2nd brother is favored because he is extremely smart for his age, and is very rude to other people when his parents aren't around. I am generally treated as a nobody in my household, and prefer to be with my friends or alone in the house. But there are times that are just perfect with them, and I always relish those moments. I know deep, deep down they love me, even if they don't show it often.

it's funny that those who criticize don't do or don't anything to contribute.
They sit on their butts and point fingers.
I like the saying "Whenever you point a finger at someone, 3 more fingers are pointing at you." See it for yourself. With your finger point at something, look down at your finger and the other 3 fingers are pointing at you.
Whatever you do at others, it comes back to you.

I have to tell you family is big pain in the butt. I am taking my mom on a trip, but it seems that everything thinks they have a right to have a key to the house and enter even though my mom and I have said no. I have to pay for repairs to be done on the house and support my mom with minimal support from my siblings. My siblings do not give me much care for mom. One gives me money to get her hair done and one buys underwear, the 3rd does nothing. I pay for everything else, she is on social security and does not cover everything. So what her money doesn't cover I do. I have to pay for home repairs and I won't see the money. What I hear is that I make more money than everyone else.

So I swear sometimes they just seriously push the right buttons when it comes to freely spending my money and thinking that mom's home is free for their entry.

They make me want to scream! It matters not to me if they don't talk to me, but I just feel they are being really stupid. I was going to change the lock and not tell them, but I was honest. I swear family members are seriously stupid, there is no other way to list them.

I would just bite my lip every time my older siblings disagreed with me. One sibling would tell me everything the others were saying and I found my blood pressure climbing and climbing to the point I had a "mini stroke" from the mental pressure. I had to learn to tell them to keep their opinions to themselves. I guess it's difficult to think the youngest sibling is the one in control, but I've done a bang up job of which I'm proud. I've learned to go to my "special place" in my mind when the pressure starts to mount.

those are very good comments on criticism I was truck driver have take car of dad in sc all family in nj four sister brother mertle beach sc an Columbia that's the only who call asked if I need any thing they thank he should be buried in nj with family my comment don't want while he's live won't get him when he's gone

There are five children in our family, four of which contributed to mom's care (going over to her house, cooking, cleaning, meds, paying her bills, doctor's appts, staying the night, etc). The eldest child did NOTHING, but complain about the way we divided mom's care. The eldest did have power of attorney and was the executrix of my mother's will which was done years ago. After seeing that she did nothing to help care for mom and her complaing about the way we did, we went to an attorney before mom's demensia got out of hand, drew up a new will (we didn't throw her out completely, but made it a joint executor), and put my other sister also as a POA. This way the "evil" eldest sister had to fair when mom passes. We let her know beforehand and even had a family meeting to discuss, but she refused to attend. Mom is now in a group home that will take all of her funds before medicare kicks in, however, the sister that didn't help and complained and critizied knows where she stands with our respect. I don't speak to her all all, my other two sisters are polite, and my brother is indifferent - you know how men get in these situations.

"Criticism is human nature'....that's one thing. But how about 100% abandonment towards you and the precious one you care for? That can't be human nature. So many people, where does 'mean' come from and why?

Truthfully, dysfunctional families don't usually become more functional in a medical situation! My cousin, 20 years older than I, phoned me after mom died and told me to clean mom's bathroom. I told her not to talk to me like this. She replied, "Don't you be snippy with me, young lady!" and, fortunately, hasn't spoken to me since!

When it comes to family politics or cruel family, I am sorry any political correctness I might use otherwise goes out the window. I am over it.

I had a situation where my 2nd cousin, who I thought was 18, on Facebook no less told me that I should stop traveling with my mom and save my money. She told me that it was my fault that my mom had a broken leg and why it would not heal. It got pretty ugly because a lot of my friends came to my rescue. The end result was I hid the comments on Facebook and took some of it to email. My 2nd cousin's mom sent me a message in defense of her daughter. I was very direct and told her that I would not tell her how to care for her mom and she was not to tell me how to care for mine.

This was my first full battle with family and what they had to say. After that I no longer pull any punches, I am sorry if I sound cruel or harsh, but I am not taking crap from family members because they are jealous of what I do with my mom.

You see even though my mom has a broken leg and Alzheimer's I take her on trips, out to eat and shopping. My sisters know what I do and are all for it. My mom loves to shop and travel, always has and it helps improve the Alzheimer's moods.

My mom has siblings that have children that want nothing to do with them. So these siblings get jealous and give me a hard time. Well sorry not my parent and I stand up for myself. I tell them to mind their own business and then I avoid them. I try not to create additional stress for my mom, so she interacts with them but not very frequently. They are not healthy for her and me, so we just don't interact with them.

I realize this might not be the nicest way to deal with the situation, but I can tell you that it works and has made our lives a lot easier. Sometimes the best way to handle the situation is to be direct and honest.

Great article thanks. When someone was critical of me, or the way I took care of my mother, I would simply say "When YOU are doing this, we can have a debate about which is the best way to do it". I did this without yelling or being aggressive. This put an end to that line of conversation rather quickly.

I have no intention of putting on a fake smile. Adults should act like adults and be civil towards one another....and if they can't, then I don't need them in my life. Hurt, hurts. What happened to "The Golden Rule"? Abuse is abuse and if you give an inch, they will take mile. They've got the problem...not you. Save yourself.

They(my relatives) don't walk in my shoes and don't have to put up with the guilt trips, and manipulation she tries on me...Her favorite one is about being "almost" blind and unable to do for herself which my reponse to that is always the same--there are people completely blind who do EVERYTHING for themselves. Now, she is on my case about my cruise next January--I have not had a free moment since January of 2010 when my dad's cancer came back with a vengeance....needless to say, he died in May and now I feel like I am stuck with her--she and I HAVE never had a good relationship because she has ALWAYS been self-centered and uncaring.
I feel they have no right to put ideas into my mother's head...She is NOT mentally incapacitated--if anything her mind is like an elephant's. This just adds fuel to the fire. I need lots of positive support!

For some reason the last posting made me think about how my mother-in-law can make me feel when she has resisted any attempt on my part to become closer due to us both being caregivers to our elderly parents. I know I have had to set boundaries with her and I regret when I allow them to be overstepped. My mother-in-law has really angered me in the past few years with not sympathizing about or acknowledging how I took care of my elderly mother (who was only 2 years younger than my MIL's mother) and my elderly father (who was only 1 year younger than my MIL's mother and 5 years younger than her father.) She has never gotten "it" that I was raised by parents of the same generation she was raised by and that I am not like other "young" women of the generation she thinks I am apart of and it annoys me at times. As I get older it does not bother me as much, but those few times when I have to deal with her, it can bring up those old wounds.

Both of my parents are deceased and though her mother is deceased her father is still alive. My husband and I do not visit her very often because of distance - both in miles and in relationship - but when we do she goes on and on and on about what all she is going through with taking care of her father who is in an assistant living facility. Normally, I would be very sympathetic and try to be a good listener, but when I was taking care of my mother on hospice, she had told her family and friends that my mother was not as bad off as we claimed she was - how did she know as she had never visited us? (of course, she said the same thing about her sister, who died a few months later, too.) And to even be on hospice a patient is expected to not live more than 6 months - so how "healthy" did she think my mom was? Anytime I have even tried to share with her some of the experience I have, I regret it because she reminds me that I was young and it was not as bad as anything she is going through. Actually my mother was in worse shape for far longer than either of her parents and I was the caregiver - there was no care facility. I do not mean to sound like I am competing, but when you come up against someone like her you feel like you have to justify why what you did was just as much as she is doing.

Another reason I really have trouble being sympathetic with my MIL is because the day my mother died my husband called to tell her. She wanted to talk to me on the phone even though I really did not want to talk with her. Instead of saying something of comfort to me, she first insisted on knowing what she should do and even being sarcastic with me when I told her that the plans had not been made yet and we could let her know more later. She also proceeded to tell me what kind of service she wanted when she died and that she would be cremated and if we wanted we could flush her ashes down the toilet. I was in such a "heavenly" state following my mother's death earlier that morning, that I really could care less about what she said, but weeks later it did register with me what she had said and how incredibly hateful she had been.

I have wanted to tell her it does not matter how old or how young you are when you are taking care of your parents or even where their care is given, you are grieving the losses you go through every day as well as the ultimate loss of your parents once they die. And if anything, she has had her parents much longer than I did mine. They were there for their grandchildren and even great-grandchildren. And if she thinks I had more energy because I was young, she is assuming something that is not true. While I took care of my parents I knew something was wrong with me, too, but did not know until 5 years after my mother died that I have Multiple Sclerosis - which I am sure she tells others I do not have.
I think what saddens me is that I am someone who would really be there for her and would really like to have that closeness, but she doesn't want it or doesn't know how to allow the closeness. So just as putting boundaries up in other areas of our relationship, I have had to put up boundaries to protect myself and conserve what I did for my parents.

I am blamed by my brother and sister for causing my mother to have alzheimers. They did everything they could ( and expressed it to me) that they wanted my mother to live with my sister in the country where she didn't like it. They told me I was the reason my mother was the way she was. I had mom with for nine years, but because of the stress of caring for her and the added stress from my siblings I had to tell my sister to take her or I would have to tell her doctor to do something to help me. So my sister took my mother in Dec.2010 and one month later I got a letter from a lawyer forcing me to sell my mother's home which I was part owner and was residing there.Before the house was sold I offered to take Mom back home with help. My sister said NO. So I lost Mom and my home all in five months. Very difficult because I missed mom but I could no longer care for her.without help, My sister found out in a very short time what I was going through and hired a caregiver to come in and help her three days a week. She convinced my mother to make her POA so she took full controll of everything. Then when I got settled in my new place I offered to take Mom here with me and she said No again. So when it got to the point of her having to put Mom in a NH she called me and asked her to take her. By this time Mom was slipping into another stage. I told her I couldn't take Mom now. So she put her in a NH. Mom is having a terrible time. Very depressed and unhappy.
I am now dealing with anger toward my sister and it overwhelms me sometimes. I pray about it. I don't want to ever talk to my sister again but I do when it concerns Mom. She did many sneaky and hurtful things behind my back and I feel like telling her that. I'm trying to forget it all but I feel like I have a lot of unfinished business with her. She and I are no longer friends. She has not once acknowledged my feelings.

Someone has to protect your mother from you sister and since your other sister cant do it--- it is up to you. I dont like to argue either but I can be pretty protective of my mom so you do what you have to do. Dont argue. File for guardianship or report your sister to the department of aging or social services. Do you have proof that they are spending her money? Like bank statements. As a guardian I have to have a receipt for everything I spend her money on. Your mother needs an advocate to protect her so it either has to be you or the government.

For me, it really on what said criticism is, and what it's about of course.
I like to think I know constructive criticism when I hear it, but then again I like to think I'm charming, personable, & pretty damn handsome too, and that all dogs love me...oh, and they do ya know! ('cept Poodles, I don't know what it is 'bout them Poodles..language barrier pehaps)
But when it's been comments made as to the whats, how, whys and such, of the care I give to my wee little Mama by some family members, who aren't involved in any way whats-so-ever in the daily everyday minutia of helping her grow old with some dignity (and as much high quality entertainment a fifty year old goofy doofus can provide), well let's just say it's best they carefully word their comments and supposed advice.
Kind of like a contestant on Jeopardy, it's wise to bloviate it more in the form of a question if one wants to win me over perhaps, and not phrase it like they're good 'ol Alex, and act like they have all the answers right there in front of them on some big board of most valuable knowledge...gee whiz, wouldn't it be swell if life was like that, or is it just not me?
A fairly standard response to a snark dripping "thought", goes something akin to this...
"Bite me!, If you have some great insight, master plan, or somehow in your glaringly non-involvement, have a perceived, or possibly even real problem, in how I handle or am handling (whatever it is), then step the hell up and get the #^%$ involved, or take it on back down the road where you prefer to be!...Next!"
Or something like that...now ain't that disarmingly charming and oh so personable?..see, I just knew I was ;-)
Now I do so love, even crave, good solid advice and helpful suggestions, but there tends to be a tone, a way it's worded, maybe even a body language that tells me it's from the heart, but coming from the brain, and not from some scratch & dent psyche bin at the superficially judgmental superstore (by mental coupon clippers no less).
I guess what I'm sayin' is I really don't mind hard advice at all, I do resent unconstructive criticism, and I don't have a problem making it clear, especially to those that ain't in the game.

I AM THE OLDEST OF FOUR..MY BROTHER IS DEAD,,,I AM 62, SISTER 58, SISTER 55......MY MOTHER IS 82 , MY FATHER IS DEAD....WE ONLY HAVE THE THREE, REALLY ONLY 2....REALLY ONLY 1, BECAUSE THE LAST ONE, WHO DOES HELP SOME, IS DUMB AS A BRICK....NO COMMON SENSE..SO IT REALLY COMES ALL BACK TO ME..SO THAT LEAVES ALL THE DECISIONS TO ME, EXCEPT THE BANK ACCOUNT....MY MOTHER DRAWS A SS CHECK AND IT IS WELL ENOUGH TO LIVE ON, BUT SHE GIVES IT TO MY SISTER AND THEN COMES THE END OF THE MONTH SHE HAS NO DIAPERS....I USUALLY END UP GETTING THEM...I DO NOT MIND DOING ANYTHING, BUT MY MOM SEEMS SHE FAVORS MY SISTER....SHE CAN DO NO WRONG.....EVEN THOUGH SHE IS USING HER MONEY...HER HUSBAND AND KIDS DO NOT WORK EITHER....I AM USUALLY OK UNTIL I FIND OUT ONE OF THEM LIED TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING ONLY CAUSE THEY THINK I WILL SAY SOMETHING.....AND I WILL...MY SISTER HAS GOT HER DO FAR IN DEBT AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO FILE BK FOR HER...SHE CANNOT PAY THE $550 A MONTH FOR THE 3 CHARGES....DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS ON WHAT I COULD DO OR SAY DIFFERENTLY...I DO NOT LIKE TO ARGU AND THAT IS WHAT SEEMS TO BE HAPPENING MORE AND MORE...

I generally say I love you mom and I am a good person. I then walk away for a while. That kind of gets her thinking about what she has said and she shuts up for a little while. It also helps me because someone at least is being nice to me---me. Until I tick her off again and the cycle begins. I dont think there is any way to stop people from criticizing you. That is their problem. Your problem is listening to them. Someone said at one time put notes everywhere reaffirming your worth. You are a good person, you do good things. There has to be a way for you to turn off the volume when she is nasty. sometimes i start humming which really really makes her mad and sometimes I tell her that i am not going to talk to you until you are civil. I hum and it creates background noise (like white sound) that drowns her out. Kind of childish but who cares it works sometimes.

lwoodward27,
I am so sorry that you have gone through this all of your life. This definitely sounds like your mother's personality is more than just her recent illness with a brain disorder. I am not for sure what the brain surgery was about, though I am sure that could add to the problem. Has she had a condition related to this for several years? It sounds like your mother may have what is called Narcissitic Personality Disorder. So an Internet search and read up to see if she sounds like this to you. What in her past even back to her childhood would make her feel scared of loosing you or being abandoned? She seems to be berating you in hopes that you will have no life of your own so that she will be your life. She also sadly sounds like she does not understand that you are a separate person and not an extension of herself.

I think you need to set some boundaries for yourself and decide what you will be willing to do for your mother and what other services you will utilize to take care of her needs. You are still so young and need to live your life (I was 32 when my mother died and had cared for her a long time, yet she was a sweet mother, so I cannot imagine trying to take care of an emotionally abusive mother.) You have not been able to remove yourself from your childhood hurts and form your own life and perspectives as an adult, because you are still taking care of your mom and dancing her dance. I have a friend who is in her forties and still living at home taking care of her mom. It is a very sad situation.


I am also sorry that others are not supportive of how you feel of her abuse. No, you should not have to just take it. You are a human being with feelings, too, and deserve respect. I would say that as an adult who is responsible, you deserve respect and autonomy. Yet I feel that as a society we do not respect children either (or the elderly and disabled very well.) as you know from your own upbringing.

Being a health care provider as a profession for 50-60 hours a week and then coming home to more is very draining. You are "gived" out and dealing with the abuse makes it even worse.

I read this article several times and the comment left and I can't seem to think it is that easy to simply accept "we hurt the ones we love," or "accept that is how they are," or "find stress relief." Hurtful words time and time again take a toll on the soul and our own mental health is important, too. I am 31 years old, I have been taking care of my ill mother for 7 months now. I have taken verbal abuse from her from as young as school age and it has only gotten worse with each year and with her illness now. I have been a loving, doting daughter all my life and always have. I have never turned my back. Recently, I reached my breaking point. My mother's insults once again dug the dagger deeper and not only brought to surface old wounds, but created many more new ones. My brother helped her move out of my home 1 /12 weeks ago, and since then my mother and I have not spoken. I am a mix of emotions. I still worry about her, I find myself crying because I hate that we are not talking and that I know she is alone. At the same time, I just cant find it in me to rush to her side yet again and receive not a warm conflict resolution but rather hurtful comments about what a crappy daughter I am for not calling for a week. I have a brother who travels a lot for work and when he is home does not help out with anything. I have been the one takign care of her, her home, her bills, her appointments, everything in addition to my home, my bills, etc. I havent yet mentioned that I am a full time working healthcare provider myself. I work 50-60+ hours a week. I have no family here, they all live far away. I never expected this in a million years. I have dealt with my mother's insulting, controlling, demanding ways for years and years. But I cant' tell you how painful it is now as a woman myself, doing the best I can, sacrificing so much and to get told that I am still not doing enough. I can't even go out with my boyfriend or friends because she will throw an insult my way about why I left her alone for that day. I have never felt so humiliated, and unappreciated in all my life. I always thought that a mother's love is supposed to be unconditional. I forgot to mention also that my mother is not confused or mentally disabled in any way. So this is not a matter of hurtul words coming from a patient with a mental handicap. She is 100% alert and oriented. She has physical limitations secondary to brain surgery in February of this year. She has had to learn how to walk all over again and her vision is slightly impaired. I just dont think I can handle such verbal abuse anymore. When she argues with me, it gets deeper and deeper with more hurtul comments and her name calling me, putting me down, telling me my boyfriend is going to leave me, etc, etc. I am tired of feeling like crap. I am tired of people telling me that she is the sick one and I need to just deal with it. What I can tell everyone reading this is that , no amount of stress relief, no amount of time for myself can take away the hurtful words a mother, or anyone does. Verbal abuse over time is detrimental. So am I supposed to just take it and accept it and then one day have a nervous breakdown myself or do something harmful to myself ?? Please someone help me because this is not easy and I dont know how many of you have sick parents who verbally abuse you but I'd like to know truly how to handle this.

As caregivers we can become very sensitive and defensive. There are times when suggestions can sound like criticism.
"Guard your heart with all dilligence, for out of it flow the issues of life." is as timeless now as it was 2000 years ago.
True criticism is another matter entirely and the motivation behind it can often be that person's guilt over not having "done it".
We need to try not to be offended unless we are sure the words are intended with malice.
Be careful folks.

It has been 8 1/2 years since my mother, who would be 85, died. I am 40 years old now. I cared for her at different times in my life - in college, then as a newlywed, again after 5 years of marriage. The last time was for 2 1/2 years. She was totally bedridden most of this time, though I made sure she did not stay in bed with the help of a lift and a reclining wheelchair.

I can recall the comments I received over the years from family, friends, nurses, even hospice workers about how I should do things. Even though I was in the medical field and my mother and I were very close, people still had to state their opinion. I know I did a good job of caring for her in my own home and only my husband and I know how hard it was and the sacrifices we made. We were glad to do it and certainly have never regretted it. But those comments hurt when I needed building up and even just plain old help. I received little of either, but along the way and in the end I was blessed in a way they will never understand.

My mother also took care of her mother who died on Christmas day 1949 at the age of 49. She told me how the extended family and friends criticized her care of her mother, too. My mom was only 24. Sometimes it feels that when you are a younger caregiver, people seem to see you as less attached or not really affected by caregiving like you really are not there. And even if you have a maturity most your age do not have, you can still be treated like you are not mature. That really hurts.

Now that I am a parent, I am very sensitive to comments or suggestions from others. I know all parents go through this, but I feel like I have done something that others did not do before becoming parents - take care of my parents - and I deserve a little bit of respect. I also am annoyed because many of them saying things were half the age I am when they first became parents. I have been told that the advice or comments are first out of concern for the child and second not really about you as a parent, but about the person making the comments. They are really assessing and defending their own decisions as parents. So I would assume that some of the criticism we receive as caregivers stems from some of both, too. Concern for the patient and caregiver, and then dealing with how they would handle the situation or guilt for not dealing with it. As the caregiver, it still is not pleasant to deal with, though.

CaregiverforAM, You are so right. It's hard for me to understand why my family doesn't visit my mom more often. Their excuses are the same...she doesn't remember me or know I'm even there.

She's not the mom I had but she is the mom I love and the one who loved ME. My main focus of each day is to see her beautiful smile and to know that I was able to give her pleasure and happiness. She deserves it!

Thank you for the wonderful comments. I haven't been subjected to criticism but your comment about "on lookers" made me think of something that bothers me quite a lot and I'm turning the tables and doing the criticizing. Me and my Mum visit my Aunt (her sister) every day at the health center on alternate days. Granted, I'm able to go since I don't have a steady job yet, but for those family members who were treated so well my our Aunt, for some reason, find it so hard to take a few minutes to spend with her - esp. the younger adult great nieces and nephews. Yes, I know they are busy - but our Aunt would be there for them without hesitation. Some claim since her strokes that she doesn't know they are there anyway and that it's not really her any more. Well...maybe sometimes she doesn't know but that doesn't mean you can't sit there and just hold her hand and talk to her. It's their loss. They will never experience the joy of seeing one of her wonderful smiles that brighten my day!

I was getting criticism from my siblings about how I was taking care of our elderly dad,I'm a Nurse of 30yrs and have worked in all nursing area's in hospital,Family practice and private duty, I know I give excellent care to my patients as well as my Dad.what put a stop to their complaints was I told my siblings that they need to come and take their turn as caregiver, Boy did things turn around ,all of a sudden now I'm doing such an excellent job in caring for our Dad.I no longer hear any complaints from my siblings.

I think I may have written aboyt the "Thanksgiving Table Rule" before, but I believe it is worth repeating. During my mother's decline both my pastor and my lawyer suggested that I consider who I will want with me at the important occasions in my life, after my mother leaves this earth.
They make a good point. It has helped me as we planned mom's services and as I now work on her estate. Some things aren't worth the risk of ripping a family apart.
One more burden for caregivers could be maintaining relationships within the family. But this is one caretaking job that everyone, who actually cares, can work on - no matter how far away they are or how little money they have, or how busy they are. Tell them they need to help you with the 'Thanksgiving Table Rule."