So many of these bad eating behaviors, as well as the others I identify with. Mostly eating, because I can say that they are more "benign". I have alcoholism and drug abuse in my family and I fear that, so I am careful about their use. I do use a .5 mg of Lorazepam 2-3 nights a week, and a combination of Tylenol and ibuprofen once a day when the pain from my fibromyalgia gets really bad or my badly healed broken ankle and my hip replacements and now arthritis in my hands -oh a de I have a 3-level fusion in my lower spine and lots of nerve pain in my left shoulder blade area from the deep removal I'd a melanoma-so I think I'm doing well with pao. Management. I also use ice packs and have a good e-stem unit, use my mala beads for meditation and have finally gotten into a short stretching/gentle exercise program. I get up, drink a large glass of water to re-hydrate my body, then I post a short message on Facebook to my friends. I always end with an upbeat quote. I'm not saying my stress is gone or my pain disappears, but it all helps and I feel better just for the efforts. But food is hard. I get so tired before lunch and dinner. We are in the process of moving and that stress alone is overwhelming right now. I eat things that are mostly very easy to fix, like "healthy" frozen entrees and try to add a green salad with homemade dressings or fresh fruit. It's the late night snacks that get me. Got to work on that. I do call friends and that helps.

I stayed with and took care of my elderly Mother for 4 months after she started having worse health problems. Even though I have my own serious health issues, none of my siblings offered any help. She fell when I was at a Dr appointment, fractured her hip, and had to have surgery. My brother blamed me for her fall. She was in rehab for quite awhile and then wanted to go back to her home. My brother took over without regard for what she wanted at all. She felt pressured to do what he wanted and he wanted her to go into assisted living instead of going home with a hired caregiver. Because of my health problems I can't continue to be the main caregiver. He is power of attorney and taking advantage of it. My siblings don't go to see her much. I have been going to see her often but lately I haven't been doing well. She is very depressed. She can't walk very good even with a walker so she sits around in a wheelchair and it is hard for her to move around to do anything for herself. I have asked my brother to atleast get her someone to stay in her apartment with her to help her part, if not all of the time but he refuses even though it is Mom's money paying for everything. She has already fallen in the bathroom and I am worried about her falling again. It's been really upsetting to see her so depressed and I am very unhappy with my brother.

Thanks!

This article is amazing. My 94 year old mother has been in an ALF since late 2014 and the last several months, her dementia is accelerating. I visit at least twice a week and return from even the briefest of visits exhausted and depressed. Communicating with her is such an effort, just trying to figure out what she's saying half the time then the other half of the time she's fairly lucid. I've been the caregiver in some form or another for the past 6 years, first trying to keep her at home and then moving her into the ALF myself when it was no longer safe for her to be there. All of it on my shoulders, two brothers who live in Colorado and Texas - one of whom is clueless and critical and the other who is more supportive, as long as I'm doing it. I'm so worn out. But I'm getting better with self-awareness of how I'm neglecting my own well-being. Articles like this one and communication with so many of you who are experiencing the same emotions and reactions is inspiring, makes me feel less isolated and guilty. Thank you all for sharing, and thanks, Marlo, for this wonderful piece...

So glad I took the time to read this article today and all your comments. It could not have come at a better time. Always reassuring others are going through some of the same struggles as yourself. Before seeing this article I had already taken some steps to take better care of “ME” and I am definitely on the right track!! Thanks for being out there!! OBTW, my 95 year old mother has been living with my husband and I for 3 years now. His health has been declining for many years because he doesn’t take care of himself. Next month is our 49th wedding anniversary. Not sure if we will see 50, which brings me great sadness. In the meantime, I will carry on, and continue to read the good advice from this group!! Thank-you!

My mom died 5 years ago, but this is a story from the last year she was alive.
I had a home-care agency aide come in for 4 hours per weekday, all we could afford. I always hear articles saying the main caregiver (me) should get away for a bit, if they can. So one day me & my husband took a day trip to the shore, about a 1.5 hour drive. We weren't even staying overnight.
The head nurse of the agency called me while I was on the boardwalk, and the sound of the waves & gulls overhead was audible over the phone. She began asking questions in a harsh voice "where are you? What are you doing?" I stammered something nonsensical and she really made me feel like a criminal for leaving for a day at the shore, a vain attempt to relax and get a change of scene. So much for advice on a caregiver getting away.

Good article but it doesn't help my sister. She won't eat much and is dwindling away ever since she learned she had lupus and is losing her hari. Doctors don't help and she has given up on herself. She's all bone and won't listen to us.

I have a verbally abusive husband...for years i swept the problem under the rug...for tgepast 5 years ive self medicated with alcohol oover indulgence and we are separated now...he actually blames me for his leaving....I'm working on healing and getting on with my life without the abuse but there's damage

I completely understand the need to get rid of the stress in our lives. Ice cream and alcohol numbs me for a short time, but the reality of life as a caregiver always comes back. My mother is 92 and has lived in my home for 16 months. It was a difficult transition for all of us. I've put many miles on the hallway floor warming up her tea that has "mysteriously" gone cold. She's hungry for "I dont want much, Im just a little hungry, I cant eat all that! Can you cut that in half? Oh its too spicy or peppery for me, just give me some broth". Whew. I feel so worn out at the end of the day and wonder where the day went because nothing got done. I used to drink when I got home from work until my counselor said that MY MEDS dont work with alcohol. But cookies and ice cream do. But after having 1 or 2 drinks a night , or eating a carton of ice cream in one sitting, or a whole package of choc chip cookies , I realize that Mom doesnt care what I eat or drink. It doesn't affect her at all. Let me repeat that, what I eat or drink does not affect my Mom at all... She doesnt feel sick after eating too much or drinking too much. I DO. So I have decided to make some new habits for my health. I try to eat only 2 cookies at a time. I drink hot tea instead of the alcohol, usually herb tea. Sometimes I will sit out on the back patio and watch the birds in the daytime or the stars at night. Sometimes she sits with me, and sometimes she just wants to watch TV. Mom is OK in her room by herself so I can have some time to myself. Mom watches her game shows, so I do something for myself. I started reading a book, I can pick it up anytime I want to and not miss anything. Im trying to not watch TV so much, I tend to zone out in front of it instead of getting things done while I have the time. Exercise? Well thats something to work on. Hope this helps.

Thanks, Ted, I appreciate your input. I am seeing a psychologist, and it helps. But somedays I can't stop obsessing over her, and it overwhelms me, and I feel myself spiraling and can't get myself out of it. I'm reading the articles, they are very helpful. When the inevitable happens, she will be at peace, and so will I. But for right now, I can't seem to get a grasp.

I'll be straighforward with you all, I've taken the first steps toward seeing a Family Counselor to try and help me get a better grip, a more positive attitude, and begin working on who and what I'll be when the innevitable happens.
The other good news is that a couple of local ministers have gotten together and written a grant to start a Caregivers support and respite group in my area, and they asked me help out by being in on the planning and development of the program.
I'm hoping that having something else to put my efforts into will help in someway, there is an interesting study in the recent National Family Caregivers Assn. e-letter about caregiver and employment that points out how much worse our well-being can be without meaningful occupation other than our loved ones.

This was a great article for me, and I need to keep reading it over and over again ! I need to get a handle on my depression and binge eating because of CONSTANTLY, OBSESSIVIELY stressing over elderly mom with dementia, 92, who lives in an assisted living facility. I have a sister, but of no use to me, as she lives in Texas, and not helpful when she does visit, as she adds to my stress, that I DO NOT need. Yesterday took a vacation day, exercised for the first time in months, felt good about myself. Then,got a phone call about my mom, and that started the downward spiral for me, as I binged because of the phone call. I know the trigger, that I'm harming myself, but I just can't stop.

GrandmaCarrol, personally I don't think listening to me means a person has to agree with what I say (unless the word is being used in a reprimanding command such as in "You listen to me and don't do that!". In this case "listen" means "obey my words"). To me listening means attentively letting someone "vent". I am glad you are able to express yourself to your husband and that he understands. I am glad you can make your point and he hears it.
Now a personal question - is he one cause of the reason why you need to vent (or else self-destruct)? This seems to be my situation; fortunately I now have two people that let me vent to them when absolutely necessary so I don't have to shut all my anger inside of me. This has made all the difference in the world to me. My husband comes from a family of non-listeners so he just does as his inherited genes dictate and as he was taught as a child. Usually talking with him about ANYTHING MEANINFGUL that is bothering me means that I either get a lecture or he walks away in anger at me or disgust in me. And yet he has been very needy of my help in so many ways for years. Maybe he dislikes me for that? Anyway, I am getting way off track. I just hope your husband continues to let you express yourself, GrandmaCarrol. Best of luck with that.

Ics- I didn't say he actually listens! But what helps is the fact that I expressed myself and he understood. He may or may not agree..That doesn't make too big a difference. So long as I make my point and know he heard it, that is all I need. So, yes,in that light he does listen.It does make a very big difference.

GrandmaCarrol, you are VERY lucky to have a husband that will truly LISTEN. I hope you can do the same back for him. As Ted said , "You have the ultimate health plan." May it continue to work for you.

Triggers & buttons......destructive? Oh my!!!!! LOL
Thanks for a blessed and timely word!!!!
Yet another reason for me to exercise more self discipline.
Kick me back on the right track.

TED:

Thank you so much for the compliment and for helping me refuel the passion I have for the work that we all do. I really appreciate it Ted.

Ed, Has anyone told you how good you are lately? I'm always impressed and encouraged by your posts. Thank you, really.

AGING CARE STAFF:

Thanks a million guys! I used this information yesterday (verbally and paraphrased of course) during a group session at the Residential Treatment Facility where I counsel (and caregive). The feedback was wonderful, and for the first time I had all 56 of them talking (even the ones with speech impediments opened up). So much so the 1-hour session was extended another 30 minutes. A couple of hours later, as I escorted 17 adult males to Roy Wilkins Park (Queens), some of them said the group was "slamming" and asked I would be running more groups during the weekend. I told them my schedule was changed to Tues.-Sat. from 1-9 pm and that yes, I'd be running most of the afternoon and evening groups.

Thanks for your help AgingCare!

-- ED

sounds like you have the ultimate health plan: a true, caring partner.

I turn to food when I am stressed. I lost 70 pounds simply by letting my husband know how I felt when I was stressed. If I was sure he understood I didn't have the need to go to the cupboard for comfort. I am slipping back to old ways, though, and am having to remind myself to talk about it . This article was a good reminder.

Wow, What a timely piece of advice for me right now.
I do seem to be stuck in a rut, my main complaint is that I seem to knock myself out staying on top of responsibilities (Over-achieving), just so that I can get to the point where there may be a few hours that can use binging.
I'm gonna try looking for ways to break the pattern and maybe slow down the pendulum so that I'm not always being so extreme.