Thank you for this most welcome post. Some things I do but others I need to work on.

Here I sit, nervous about going to visit my mom. Trying to figure out what to do and say when she starts her "thing". I have been a good daughter, emotionally abused, and I literally cannot take anymore - my body is talking to me and I am listening. I refuse to give up my health over this situation.

Well, I don't know how long the help will last as it is starting to get very trying for her too now as well. Being isolated from friends, not being able to go to work, or do anything for yourself. Just this past weekend she told me that she had no clue what I was dealing with until she had moved in. She told me it is very hard some days, as Grandma is hard of hearing and doesn't have a hearing aid. I am still in charge of taking her to her doctor appts. and doing all the pills. My neice doesn't drive or have a car, so that is still my responsibility to take them shopping and run errands too. I am constantly getting phone calls through the week about how the pills are screwed up. I fill a weekly box with the pills, but some holes where the pills are either wind up empty, or are over and doubled. That is making me angry and my sister and I have talked about how my neice could maybe give her the pills instead of her doing it herself, but mom doesn't want that done for her. So that is an ongoing problem right now. But any time away that allows me to be back in my own home , has been a blessing. I don't feel that there is any human being that can take care of anyone around the clock . Oh, you can do it for a while, if you want to give up everything to do with your own care and yourself. In any care facility , you have 3 shifts of different people coming in to do things for your loved one. Putting all this on one person is very trying and impossible , unless you don't mind letting yourself go down hill. I just know I can't do it anymore. Everyone needs help at caregiving. and I feel that anyone who starts finding that they are in that position, start seeking out help before you find yourself doing it all alone.
To annecurrey, my neice is not that solid and also suffers from bipolar. So I still have alot to deal with everyday. Somedays she is ready for a nervous breakdown herself. So all here is not as good as you think. I am just trying to make the best of what I can, with whoever can come.

Cowgirl wrote. My neice who is only in her 40's came to help out, and what a welcomed relief.

Good for you. The only people who offered to come and live here were some remote drug addict cousins who needed a place to live. I told them not to call my home again or I would file a police complaint. I'm happy that a solid person can help you out.

Great website and it's comforting to know that I am not alone. I just hired another helper to sit with dad (on weekends) while I resume my life.
My selfish siblings are going to be a bit surprised when they see that his assets are going for in home help so that I can get back to the gym, etc.
I now have hope for my own future.

I agree with the 8 ways to improve your moods. I find that the best way for me is to go to the one whom created me. I know he loves me and gave me this beautiful gift of compassion and through Him all things are possible. I ask for wisdom through out my days and very much enjoy my gift. After all this
is all for Him and His glory.

Wow, seeing comments from this was strange , since I had commented on this 1 year ago. Things pretty much the same. Still unemployed and mom had a fall in March that made things even more demanding , as I am the POM and had to be there everyday through all of it. Mom is back home now from the nursing home, and I was about ready to go off the deep end, when all of a sudden a family member was able to come and move in with my mom. My neice who is only in her 40's came to help out, and what a welcomed relief. My moms doctor has told mom over and over again that she needs fulltime care now, but she still refuses to go. I have told her that I can no longer do this, since I am broke now and need to get back to work asap. I really am getting to the point where I have to think of myself and that needs to be for everyone else out there that is taking care of somebody. You need to seek outside help to help you, or you will die right along with your loved one. I don't want to let go of my moms hand at this point in life, but I can see my life also, hanging on to a thread now. A break away has helped tremendously and we all need it. I am not super religious but I do pray to God to figure this all out for me. I don't want to be the nasty , evil one, but that is pretty much what you become if you don't get relief!! So please , if you are taking care of somebody, call friends, call outside help, and make time for yourself everyday!!

I must agree...daily talks with The Lord, is the only way I am getting thru being sole caregiver for my Alz. brother (68 yr.s old).
The meditation and breathing helps me also. And the "find your own personal space" is also a great tip. I go outside and sit alone and watch the birds and
sky and imagine what shape the clouds are making...an elephant, or a dolphin.
It helps...even 10- 15 min. a few times a day is good.
I also asked my doctor for prescription help. I take Prozac and Xanax under the
physician's care. That really helps. As I say " better living thru chemistry".
But the most important part is to remember "what goes around, comes around".
This could be me some day......hmmmmm???
SG

I could be the person that wrote this except I only have one sibling but she does everything you say about blame and not being available. I am going the same path as you. Getting out and getting away! I am trying to get Mom who is bitter to start taking care of herself so that she can live alone and be safe. She is old school and will not go to a nursing home until she see's fit. Right now if she would only do as the Dr. says she would be able to take care but she refuses to be on the oxyegen much and she will not take medications inhaler as she should. I tell her she has no one to blame but herself. I can not make her do the things she needs to do. She has to do it for herself.

Cowgirls, you are very true. I'm with you. Keep thinking in that way. I'm having the same live and is the same way we keep life.

There is little happiness caring for a Parkinsons patient who dosen't think anything is wrong. Except EVERYTHING you do or say.
The other day, he put something on the stove and went to sleep in a chair. Needless to say the house smells like a smokehouse. No damage thank God and the 4 smoke detectors for waking him up in time.

Thank you for this topic as I truly need everyday some words from others on how to move into the happy zone. It has been nearly 8 months now since I became unemployed. I got fired when I told my boss that I may need to miss time to take care of my mom. She is 87. Still in her own home. Doesn't want to leave there, and I know that we could never live together. So I drive to her house everyday and do try to do things to make her happy. She thinks I am crabby alot. And I trully know when I am. . I really do not sleep well anymore because of this situation of unemployment ran out, and worrying all the time about my financial situation. My next step is bankruptcy and I only probably have about 12 more years to work. My girlfriend has decided to move here to me to help out. she gave up her high paying job , family, and grandchildren to help me through this. she tells me everyday on how to be happy. what to be thankful for. I still explain to mom everyday that most of my crabbiness is caused from my job loss , lack of sleep and worrying all the time. She still doesn't get it. My sister is supportive to my needs, as she is a caregiver also to her husband. lives too far away, but comes when she can. My brother and I are no longer speaking because he views everything I am doing is just to get the family farm. So yes, I believe you have to tune everyone out at times, grab a glass of wine now and then , turn up the music and dance. Just act crazy sometimes,, because it is the only way to keep your sanity!! And yes, get someone else to take over for awhile when you can and take a vacation if you can. it helps.

If it weren't for prayer and laughter I would never make it. However, when my daughter & I laugh, when certain family members are present, about something Mother has said or done they don't think it is funny, they think it is mean because they think we are making fun of her and we really aren't. Guess they will have to figure that out for themselves because they are with her as much as we are. Yes, I too, sometimes feel forgotten.

I have been in that world for a couple of monthes. My Aunt is in what I call swiss cheese land. The land is flat and there used to be little holes she would fall into, for short periods of time. Not remembering and being very frieghtened. Now the holes are bigger deeper and wided. So sometimes it is days before she comes back. I do 2 things to get threw this.... One I make sure I laugh at least once a day, and when things really get rough Icheer H, Ha, Happy, until I feel better. God knows all about what we as care givers are going through. We as care givers, just sometimes feel forgotten, in more ways than one. So I pray alot too....

Caring for an aging parent with Alzhiemer's Disease is very stressful and since there isn't any support group close by I rely on God, my daughter and a good friend. My question is this: how do others deal with being asked the same question over & over & over? I know that Mother can't remember she has ask the question but I can remember, and after hearing it for half an hour really gets to me. I try not to loose patience with her but sometimes it is hard. Any suggestions will be appreciated.

My Mom was a very healthful, strong, independent and vision woman. After the 1st time that a person found her walking around the neighborhood and my siblings couldn't or didn't want to take care of her, I brought her to live with me. Now my siblings help me with money & come see Mom once a year. I moved to a senior & asisted living where I could live with her. Yes, it has been 3 years of going down in the dementia-alzheimer, surviving with the crisis that they use to have, but with the help of God, loving myself going out for at least 15 to 30 min. walking, sometimes going to activities where she goes and enjoy too, doing excercise for the stress, I feel ready for the coming events.

I read your article and it is really inspiring. It really hit home for me I almost thought you talking directly to me. I figure nobody knew or was going through what I have been. Thank you for this I really needed it.
Currently I am taking care of my elderly grandmother and soon we will be placing her in assited living.

Hello again,
I was talking out of exhaustion when I wrote my last post. I since then have rested up and see things a tad different today. We didn't cause it, we certainly can't cure it, we can't control it but we certainly can learn to cope with it....
When we have problems coping with our parents it happens usually when we are hungry, angry, lonely or tired...HALT. So we need to (halt-stop) what we are doing at that time and figure out which of these are causing us to not be able to be loving to our parent. Whatever the case may be. I have to catch myself ALWAYS or I will slip back into that dreaded feeling like I had in the last post. SORRY...but it happens. Hope this helps some.

Thank you for the positive advice - I feel so for all the people who have commented - I am the oldest and only one of four children who have consistently cared for and watched out for my 89 year-old mother. My brother, who is out of work and has been mooching off my mother for 3 years, has managed to swindle large sums of $ from her and brain-washed her into thinking that I am the enemy. My two sisters have not communicated with any of us for at least 3 years. My mother is now in a beautiful assisted-living facility that we were very lucky to get her into. He is basically a squatter in her house which was deeded over to me in 2003. I am selling the house and will walk away from this whole ugly situation as soon as I can. I will still see and care about what happens to my mother but I will not let her words or actions affect me and my happiness anymore. That is a conscious decision that all of you must make. I DO have the peace of mind knowing that I did whatever I could to make her life better and to make sure she is in a secure and safe place. My husband and I did whatever we could to help my brother also; he chooses not to help himself. I have felt like an orphan for the past two years and the anger and loneliness were almost more than I could bear sometimes. I have learned to let that go, to find joy and contentment in my friendships, in my own children & grandchildren and in the things in my life that bring me pleasure. It is tough to think "half-full" when you are fighting an uphill battle but we MUST if we are to survive. Prayer, a positive outlook and always being true to who YOU are will get you through.

Good article. The depression kathypv mentions is likely alzheimers or just elderly dementia. don't knock youself out, just deal with the physical aspects, eventually look into alz related medications if paranoia sets in. i'd be depressed also at 87 if i did not have any other friends, life.

Thank you for this article. I have my 87 year old Mom living with us and am trying to help her get better from depression. I didn't realize how bad depression can be. I try hard to stay upbeat but sometimes I just get angry. And then I feel sooo bad 'cause I know my Mom doesn't choose to be negative it's just the depression talking. It helps to know I'm not alone. I pray alot and I play upbeat Christian music. I'm blessed in that we have caregivers during the week to take care of my Mom while I'm working. And I'm fortunate that my husband is so supportive and helps out so I can get a break on the weekends sometimes. Thanks again!

Yes, with God ALL things are possible. I know we need each other, I perfer to wake up with a smile on my face, and go it ALL the time. She is the one that is grumpy.. We (my grand daughter) have made up the Happy Cheer.... H, Ha, Happy, Hey. We say that till we laugh or giggle. G. G. doesn't get it yet....in a lot of ways, those two are on the same wave link....(smile) and I do a lot of that, and pictures. Even of she's crabby cakes.....(smile) Yes God is so awesome, to let us see and feel all these wonderful things....(SMILE)

i love this article i am able to relate so much..Prayers helps a lot, asking for day to day strength and positivity, dealing about caregiving.

My ONLY hope for taking care of myself and my mood is keeping God in my circle. It is only with Him that I will survive.

I am caring for the matriarch of my family. My Aunt. She is a widow with out children. I am doing this out of the love for her, and yes the stress builds at times. I have learn to do all kinds of things relieve stress. Right now I am taking care of my 4 3/4 y.o grand daughter along with my Aunt, for the summer. Laughter IS the BEST medicine. And looking from a almost 5 y.o is a so much fun....Thanks for all the advice and the people that contribute. SWAK

i have been reading these articles for quite some time and there is some kind of peace knowing others are out there going thru the same thing as me... but after reading this topic, i feel the urge to write a comment... brief summary on my situation: my husband and i have been taking care of my mother for 12 years. over the years she has gone down hill and she has been living with us for 2 years (prior that : 1 year in assisted living, prior that: with us for 5 years)

she is from the "old school" of catholic guilt.... she is narrow minded, selfish, cheap, mean-spirited, lazy, etc. you get the idea... i have 2 siblings that only pass judgement and are "too busy" to help. but they have all kinds of excuses as to why they cant be there. but when it comes time to redem themselves in front of relatives, friends, doctors, etc. "it is all my fault as to why i wouldnt let them help."

this subject is one that i do not agree with and here is why: we dont have control of the situations. we can look for HOPE but that is shot down when the parent wants "what they want, when they want, how they want, " it is out of our control. we do what we can, then take cover because the guilt, judgement, verbal slings, are coming. we are a group of people who "cant do anything right, we are selfish, mean, feel sorry for ourselves, we steal, we are verbally abuses, we are violent," but when we ask for help, every one is "busy."
the only thing i have found that i have control over is "food." im not anorexic but i understand why young girls are. there whole world is controled by others and they no one listens. so they control the one thing they can.

i have: breathed, exerised, laughed, cried, gone on vacation, gone out with what few friends we have, and we always come back to this miserable , sad, depressed, mean, old woman who is jealous, envious, angry about her life and takes it out on us.

please dont waste your responses on what i can do: ive done it all. I am waiting for the Veterans to finishing processing her paperwork so they will help finanially with the nursing home we picked out. once the processing is done, she is gone. i have a clear conscience, and soul. ive done everything i could and she drags us down the horrible , sad, miserable path. im getting off. i want to enjoy what ever life i have left with my husband. she will live to be a ripe old age , dragging down anyone in her path.

keep up the good work. your site has helped me so much.... but now its time for me to get off this roller coaster.....

I have been the primary care-giver for my mother-in-law. We have a basically good relationship. However, she has been in and out of the skilled nursing facility due to falls, or other health challenges. She is a former nurse and strong willed and determined. She finds fault with the staff and complains about the food often. I really appreciate the article today. I always go see her with a positive attitude to try to cheer her up but find myself leaving grouchy and frustrated. I just want her to see how good she really has it and not be so negative. I will try to "focus on the love I have to give" and not expect anything in return. Truly 'attitude is a choice!' :)