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My marriage never happened--we didn't get around to it fast enough, and now just stuck in a dead, abusive relationship for almost 10 years now. In any case, he's still here (I'm the breadwinner) and I'm still here (no I don't know why), and 8 months ago my mother had a medical event and here we are 8 months later after life-threatening surgery, a cancer diagnoses, heart issues now diagnosed, hundreds of doctor appointments for wound care, cancer, radiation, etc. etc., skilled nursing stays (3 of those), hospital stays (2 of those), an accidential overdose of ALL of her meds, AND COVID right before Christmas since she would forget her mask. She is now in SNF refusing to cooperate with any therapist, and they are saying "we're gonna discharge her next week" and to where? I terminated her lease at independent living because she is not capable of caring for herself, after that overdose I am convinced she needs assisted living if not long-term care. So on top of all that, let me throw in the condemned house we now have on our hands (mine--she lived in it rent-free) full of cats that had to be surrendered, 20 years worth of stuff to sort through and throw away or store (my mother was a hoarder), and no siblings or family here to help. Just me. Any my "hubby". We have always been best in a crisis. He's been very good to her this whole time, while voicing his resentment about it to me in private. We've kept up a good face. BUT--he can't seem to understand why I am not cheerful and happy and excited about much of anything, and he especially can't seem to understand why I have totally lost my mojo. At this point, that's what we're fighting about. Not important things, like her health and care, housing arrangements and finances and "ultimate destination wishes" and stuff like that. Nope, we're fighting about no mojo and how he feels "neglected". He actually told me I was never any good anyway, so he really didn't care. (That kinda did it for me. Mojo or no mojo, I won't forget that.) He's cheated before, I'm pretty sure he's gonna do it again eventually as my life gets continues to get sucked away by this chapter of my life. Sorry to vent. Way too much info there. Wondering if anybody else had their partner or husband bail on them while they were caregiving? Emotional checkout, I'm guilty of that right now but I don't think anybody here would blame me, I'm kinda preoccupied with losing my mother who at one time was my only and best friend. And he's been emotionally checked out for years. when I say bail, I mean like, leave. how did you deal with that?

I am in a similar position to you, jrasmussen, though my situation is rather odd in that it is my husband on whom *my* mother leans (she has always tended to depend on men), and it is causing strain between us. Her narcissistic behaviour damaged me in childhood and now that she has moved to AL near us but is unhappy there, she is gradually giving up on life despite being in fairly good health, and is passing responsibility for her life to us. I did not want and really resent this responsibility, but my husband, whose own parents are dead, doesn't seem to mind being treated as a personal assistant/chauffeur/handyman. My mum's behaviour to us and my brother is getting harder and harder to deal with, as she complains non-stop but rejects any attempt to help her. I am reaching the point at which I don't want to see her very often, but my husband doesn't really understand, as he hasn't had my 50+-year poor relationship with her - she has always liked him, which is why she relies on him now. I guess his male ego must get some kind of boost from her leaning on him, but I find it very hard, as he is my husband not hers, and I feel he should be putting my mental well-being above hers. People have advised me to "let him do whatever he wants and you just be a silent helper" too, but although I try I feel horribly trapped and very miserable about our future; my mum is 85 but comes from a long-lived family.

A related question: How to keep a marriage healthy when the person being cared for is the spouse/partner? I am a 66 year old woman caring for a 68 year old husband who has terminal brain cancer. It's not Alzheimers, but he does slip into dementia from time to time, and it's difficult keeping a healthy marital relationship under these circumstances.

#12 - your spouse is your number one priority, not your parent. Don’t ever forget that, and if that means your parent should no longer live in your home then so be it. You made vows and your spouse probably doesn’t want to look “unsupportive” by not speaking up - or out - against the caregiving situation. My mom is 71 and in relatively good health, but my husband and I already have a plan in place and that plan puts our marriage first. It won’t be easy (or popular), but the “right thing” often isn’t.

I wish more would read and comment on this fine article. Unfortunately, there are always some couples who fail their nurture their relationship and keep it healthy even when they are aware the spouse is hurting which usually means the marriage is hurting.

I have all

My mother lives with us...she has a large bedroom, walk-in closet, and her own bathroom. She is physically and medically healthy but gets confused, although it seems that she is mentally able to do things she wants when she wants regardless. And, exhibits inappropriate behavior when I am out of her presence to draw me back in...24/7. My poor husband has sacrificed much and stress is beginning to show on both of us. We found daycare and respite care nearby, which helps us get back on track with each other. However, she seems to be most difficult and inappropriate when we have company over the weekend when daycare and respite care had not been scheduled. She responds very well to day care, which I call Fun Day because of the activities and the socialization. I don't want to stop caring for her and appreciate these articles. We need caregiver support meetings and activities to help us better cope with our individual situations.

My husband and I are caregivers for his mother. We transformed two guest bedrooms and a bath to an "apartment" for his mother. My husband and I are pushing and pulling at each other trying desperately to keep his mother from becoming a full time guest in our home, but the "apartment" thing just isn't working. My husband is dedicating every spare moment with his mother monitoring her (she is able to be on her own many times) and this is creating ta strain on the wife/husband relationship. I believe that each week day needs to have structure and the weekends a little more unpredictable, but my "structure" and my husband's "structure" isn't meshing. Many days I run to work and say to myself, "Oh well, let him do whatever he wants to do, I'll just be a silent helper." Any suggestions as to the "structure" thing and what is my true role?

Thank you, from a partner of a caregiver.