I think my mom is getting VERY close to needing to go to Assisted Living

Me and my brother are both burned out and we feel it's getting harder to keep up with her demands

Plus taking care of my mom is keeping me from going out to date or look for a job!
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I am providing the care for my Mom during the day. We have caregivers sitting with her at night because she is restless and would get up at all hours of the night. She is also a fall risk. The State of Maryland is a non-restraint state. That means assisted living facilities cannot use alarms, bed rails, or fall mats, unless the person is in full hospice. Nursing homes are also not allowed to restrain anyone, although the home where Mom was on respite care recently, did strap patients in their wheelchairs. The staff will tell you that they cannot stop them from falling. (And, yes, that nursing home smelled like urine when I stepped off the elevator. I wouldn't want my dog there (and told them so)....)

Even though Mom has fallen several times, I still I feel she is safer in her own home. We just have to watch her all the time now.
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I'm getting burned out being caregiver for my 88 yr old mother whom I never bonded with . I'm 72 and have health issues of my own . I had one sister and she is deceased. I'm trying to do it alone ..
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Disabled sister is not old, only 61, so she needs more than custodial care. She needs a place she can call HOME & maybe some social opportunities but also assistance to dress, prep food, and with shopping & errands. Where can she turn for help ?? Maybe assisted living is too confined for her. But the state (OH) will not help with home care unless she is destitute -- cannot feed herself, or cannot go to the bathroom alone or cannot dress herself...
I may as well tell you that I am talking about myself. I do not think that I am ready for nursing home atmosphere. TOO YOUNG! Any ideas???
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What if it's not a parent but a disabled sister?
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Unfortunately because of the government funding limitation and laws nursing homes generally don't receive enough money do higher quality care or have appropriate ratio to care for someone with dementia. However I never recommend putting someone into a home if at all possible. If they don't have LTC insurance for Home Care there are companies that accept Medicare and Medicaid for home health and companion services. Putting someone in a facility is the number one way for their health to decline. I'm a dementia specialist and I can tell you the way that dementia is being handled in many that communities and Facilities is not appropriate. Including some of the medications that are not helping but may in fact make the disease worse. The family cannot afford private care then look into a company that has Medicaid approval and are experts in dementia care. Not all dimentia is the same
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Someone said if a ALF or nursing home smelled of urine then it was not a good place. I take care of my husband and he pees on the floor I the b/r and despite the diapers still leaks. I can't seem to get rid of the urine smell I scrub and use beach but he's always peeing and pooping and it's hard till kerp up. So I wouldn't judge a facility with multiple patients like my husband and aids who have a large patient load and tough time keeping up. I am about suicidal trying to cope with this caregiving.
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I'm at my moms house now. She is 84 a caring for her husband who is 87 with Alzheimer's. I came to visit to check and be sure they were doing okay. I live over a thousand miles from here so I don't get here often. I just think my mom is too old to be the caregiver for him. I worry over her health. His is now incontinent. He has had a couple episodes of poopy Depends in the past three weeks too. She does have someone come in for a half hour each morning to get him up and dressed and make his bed. They also will give him a shower. He uses a walker and is quite weak sometimes where I have helped him get up out of the chair to use the walker. He can get cranky and obstinate usually when it's time to go to bed. A year ago we got them moved out of the too big two story house and they have moved into a nice duplex at a place almost like a campus with buildings that have a pool, a restaurant, a building for those that need medical care, and an Alzheimer's care building. Nearly all of their assets went into moving into a duplex here. It's lovely. Now from what I understand they can stay here forever. They have " bought in". But if he needs to go into the Alzheimer's building there are additional fees. They don't have much monthly income and there are monthly fees to live here besides any additional care. Anyway I think he needs more care but I think mom doesn't want to give up her new house and so she keeps him here, over working herself
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I am taking care of my husband with dementia is there an article on when it is time to consider assistive living?
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May God bless you too my fellow "Newyorker." I never would have imagined this stuff existed and yes, the tell it takes on our health and well-being, while for them, it's just another day on the job. When my mother dies, I'll know she's free. Terrible to have to live like this, but there are no options....
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Christine73 Thanks for your support. One would never believe all they put us through. So much disrespect and unnecessary stress. May God bless you!
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Sorry, I'm a terrible typist, but you grt yhe drift. My whole head is gray from the stress...not great!
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Newyorker, I couldn't agree with you more!!! I scrolled back up to see the name on the post and funny, im from New York too. I'm so sick of the canned responses to my complaints, yet I feel helpless to do anything else. Even the "best" nursing homes are a nightmare, sbd when you complain they take it out on your family member. It wears you down until your wjole head is great and you wush either you or your loved one woukd die, just ti get some relief. And don't even get me started on living in fear that the phone will ring and some nursing home person who doesn't care will tell you your mom's dead, in the hospital, or has been beaten up!
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I have to agree with Mabel2Wilma. Don't know where you live, but around here conditions are much the same, unless, of course you are very wealthy. No matter the type of care you need--in home, assisted living, nursing home, or dedicated floor for elderly in hospital--the care is horrible. The same unqualified people work in all these areas. I have reported these problems more times than I can count. Just last night the aide who arrived "for the job" at 6pm was sleeping in a chair before 7pm, yet "the job" did not end until midnight. Don't bother to tell. me to report this. These things are reported by me nearly every day. All I get is words. No changes. Have reported these things to local office for the aging and to the state health department many times, response is only politically correct words. Nothing changes... except my increasing photo album of sleeping aides. We do not need more "jobs" for people, we need people who are willing to do some work. Those who do a good job are priceless, but out of 75 aides I have seem, only 2 made that list. A handful more were passable. The. rest come only to collect pay. So sad to have to be treated like this after leading an honest life, working hard every day for as long as possible. Being a feeder fish is a hard life!
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Assisted living here is comparable to hospital room with 3 bed with curtain inbetween. How can we put mother in that situation? Does she just buck up and get over the lack of privacy? Horrible way to live unless in-coherent.
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It's great,but I can't afford to get into assisted living, then wat is available, over income for hid. There is my husband who does fall even with the walker and myself I am 76 no cartledge inad a heart attack on the fifth of May. What now?
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Sorry, but I have to agree with Jgo2916. I nottice her comment was written several years ago, but conditions around here are still the same. The people who work in these places around here are uncaring and no one wants to face that. The aides will steal from the patients and refuse to provide adequate care. Shame on us as a country! No one cares or listens. Maybe it is not the case everywhere but here in New York, if you cannot take care of yourself and you have no family member to care for you, you are nothing more than a feeder fish.
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Before you take on the role of caregiver with your parents (even over seeing move to assisted living), make sure you have their legal documents reviewed. Be sure you can make their health care and financial decisions and not an out of town relative (siblings).
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These signs don't necessarily mean that your loved one needs to be re-located; they mean she or he needs help. Caregiving in the home is another option, of course.
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Yeah it is an age related issue, gets worse with ALZ. My day starts with it and ends with it.
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My mother in law lives with myself and my husband (her son) we have seen her through 2 hip replacements and a cervical fusion, most recently she fell and fractured her hip and was put into a rehab to recover for about 3 weeks. She did all the rehab she needed to get out, but since being home she doesn't come out of her room, doesn't bathe, barely eats and survives on donuts and coffee and an occasional cup of soup. we encourage her to get out, sit in the sun, take a short walk. but it seems to be getting worse, she wears diapers 24/7 and hides the dirty ones in her closet. she consistently cancels her doctor appointments and PT appointments because she says 'I'm having a bad day". we are at our wits end on what to do. We can't afford to get her into assisted living, which I think she would thrive in, and her income is only about $800 per month...Any suggestions
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Sorry for the typos. I did talk to text lol
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@jedixo - although I'm not jot happy you are going through this , it's nice in a way to know I'm not alone. My story is long and I won't bore everyone but my husband and I are taking care of his grandfather . His grandfather has two daughters. one works and travels and is a single mom of a child in college the other one is retired as well as her husband and her other son does not work either , but we , a family struggling financially , supporting three children and both work are here taking care of him . We do live with him . we are trying to keep him in his home as long as possible . we did get him on Medicaid and Medicare title 19 and we have aides come in when we are at work . The family members that are not involved have now started questioning how we take care of him and calling him up and questioning if he's eaten what he's eating if he's taking his medication stopping by when the aides are here . Even though we asked them not to because it interferes with his care .they are more than welcome to visit him when they are not here as we cannot stop anyone from coming to see him. the house situation is very complicated it was signed over to one of his daughters because she's on ss disability and he will not lose his home and has life use . My grandfatger in law is making our life very difficult , he asked them on Intel some things that are not true I hear it with my own ears when I asked him about it he says he hasn't said it I don't know what part of that is his own personality which was similar to that before all timers happened so I'm sure it's just worse now from this disease and now he's at the point where he is faking illnesses .i am sitting in the ER for hours at a time when nothings wrong with him he's saying that he's full from lunch when he has eaten lunch early and either refuses to eat dinner or will only eat half of it I'm already in therapy my husband's about to have a nervous breakdown we cannot live like this and we don't know what the next step to do is. putting him in a home will only look like we're doing this out of spite however if he continues to fight us on eating properly all day I don't know what else were supposed to do. we are his powers of attorney and we are in charge of his health and wellbeing we need to do what's best for him we have gotten no help from the agency or the Agency on Aging as far as telling his family to stop interfering with his care during the day so we really don't know what to do. His daughter that is causing trouble jas become vindictive and will probably kick is out soon. ...
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It takes a bit of doing to find the right nursing home or ass. living- ass. living can be a home--or a facility. In my mom's case it's an old hotel (Ramada) turned into beautiful apartments. Use your comminty-use your phone and use your computer to find the right answers. Try to get a social worker for Mom who can help.
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@ jedixo
I am so sorry to hear that about your mother in law. It happens when it comes about Alzheimer, cause they don't remember you and they don't even know who are they. It's so so difficult to take care of them, but they need it so much. It's not their fault.
I would recommend you assisted living, and namely to write those who offers such services that depends on your needs.
I would really recommend that to you, guys. And hope I helped you somehow.
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If the Assisted Living, Skilled Nursing, or Memory care Home smells of urine then it is a pretty good indicator that they are not providing adequate care. I work in a Continuum of Care campus and rarely have I ever smelt urine or feces. You should tour every facility that you are interested in, and don't schedule, just drop by. This way you will get a good idea of how the place is run on a daily basis.
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@Jqo2916: I was actually worried about the same thing with assistant living homes, fearing they were all dreary, foul-smelling places. But a little education went a long way and I realized that assisted living homes have come a VERY long way since I was a child. All it took to change my mind was a few short visits to reputable homes. Still...some fear is natural, but there are lots of resources out there to dispel your fears. Still, the best solution is to get out there yourself!
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Dear Jqo2916 - Not all nursing homes spell like urine; it depends on the caliber of the facility and if there is adequate staffing to assist incontinent clients. Unfortunately, it's mostly the county-run facilities that have insufficient staff, including the cleaning crew. Most of the clients are on Medicaid, so there is no extra money for anything at all. Some of my students work as CNAs at these facilities and they report that they are not enough "Depends" for everyone, so they have to be carefully rationed over each shift. Hence, the place often smells like urine.

Rooms are shared in these places, because it is more cost-effective to do so. If the client wants a comfy, private room, they will need to pay for a private facility.

Nursing homes, even the worst of them, have come a long way in the past few decades. They are highly regulated and have to meet minimum standards. However, they are only slightly more "homey" than a hospital room. Since the clients mostly need "custodial care" in these facilities, I don't foresee the basic set-up of these homes as ever changing.
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It's a shame nursing homes are so deadful. It's like living in a jail cell, usually with another person you don't know, and in some cases, don't want to know. You would think it being the 21st century nursing homes would have come up with something that could get rid of the urin smells in these places. It's really quite disgusting. Nursing homes need to be revamped from the bottom up and turned into a place that you could actually enjoy being in.
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My grandmother was doing the same after she lost her best friend/boyfriend of 23 years. She's currently is in a nursing home/rehab for her fall. I would try to talk to them about concern about them. You might have more luck than I am with my grandmother. If they understand that they are going down but encourage them it would be better. Look for places that can help them based on what they really need. Tell them you will visit them and do it regularly even if you don't live close call them daily. See them when you can. I wish both of you luck it is hard. I'm trying to convince my grandmother it is better for both of us. She wants me to stay home and take care of her but I can't she has mild dementia and I'm only 20 soon 21 and I've been out of school and I have no job. So try to talk to your love ones it might hard but try to talk to others who are close and their doctors. The best thing is do your homework on places you do think would help them. I hope that helps you.
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