i just lost my husband,instead of zitting at home i want to go out and do something. someone suggested talking to a lonely elderly. How and where to i start and where to start.

I sympathize with those who have trouble visiting extended family in the nursing home. I often feel guilt over not taking my mom to see her sister more, but realistically I can't think of any way I could have made those visits with her go any better. Poor auntie could barely speak above a whisper, even I had difficulty, and my mom has low vision so could not use any visual cues, often she didn't know my aunt was trying to speak at all. Compounding the problem was the lack of privacy, a bed bound room mate kept us from venturing to her room, and when sitting in public areas we had to contend with the moans, groans, nonsensical babbling and noisy oxygen tanks of other residents, not to mention those who wanted to join in on the conversation! My aunt was a very private person and the idea of just sitting quietly and holding her hand was unimaginable to me at the time.
We hopefully gain wisdom as we age, I can now see things I could have done to make visits easier on all of us. If you are not an adept conversationalist going with a group of three or four would allow you to talk without having to totally carry the conversation alone. Inviting extended family to special events and group activities could help them become more comfortable with the environment and allow visits without forcing one on one contact on those that are feeling shy and unsure of how to react. And yes, today I think I would be able to just sit and hold her hand.

Thanks for sharing this article. When my mom had to go to a nursing facility, I really did not want to have to do it, but was blessed with a wonderful place (it had some days where the smell wasn't too good, but not many) - and I told myself that I would go as often as possible no matter what because I may be in a place like that some day. The staff was great, engaging, helpful and the list goes on. Everyone has to do things we don't like, but once it's done, most things turn out better than we thought they would. Thanks again.

It is an uplifting article dealing with an often thought negative phenomenon. I wish I could send this article to others/family members who do not visit my mother in the nursing home. My in-laws live literally 4 blocks from the nursing home my mother is. They have decided that the nursing home depresses them so they will not visit. When my mother was well, they had a loving relationship with her. How could people become so selfish as to allow their fears to prevent them from doing the right thing to a 'loved' relative. Visiting is not about them. It is to comfort the dying or ill. The person still has feelings and needs. Love is not supposed to be restricted to supporting someone when they are well.

I think this article is right on. Thank you for sharing. My Mother is in one and I am very happy with the care and human touch they provide.

This article is great with lots of ideas on how to communicate with our loved one. My father had Alzheimer's Disease, he was very stoic but I knew he loved the outdoors, I would show him pictures out of outdoor magazines, he loved it. Another time when I visited, I could not get him to communicate, he sat with his head to his chest. After 30 minutes, I kissed him and told him I was leaving and would be back in a couple days....as I walked away I heard "Don't go!" I sat back down with him and we communicated for about 20 before he dozed off again with his head to his chest. That 20 minutes extra minutes was well spent while we were able to connect. It also broke my heart to realize he knew I was there but was unable to pull himself out of his world. Thank you Carol for a great article.

It would be nice to have a "how to visit through the stages" guide somewhere. It's easy to visit mom when she can talk and interact.

It's awkward and strange feeling to visit with someone who sleeps through your visit or who can no longer communicate. I end up feeling like a lump who is taking up space and wonder if anybody is getting anything out of this. Then I remember when I was little, we'd go "visiting" after church on Sunday. People don't do this anymore and we've lost the art.

We'd drive around until we found somebody at home, and then "set a spell". I remember being told to sit still, don't touch, don't walk around, don't talk. Sometimes long periods of no talking would occur in the adults' conversation. You could hear the clocks ticking. If I were able, I might nod off or try to sneak in some book-reading. But to the adults, they were OK with these long silent lulls. We are not, but we can be.

I watch what other families do. Some of them have a non-verbal loved one, and they can just sit and one person does all the talking about the past. Or just things they saw on the ride over. It's not a philosophical debate about big issues.

Others just sit & hold hands.

Some are just next to each other, and nobody talks. You can't be a way that you aren't, and if you aren't a talker, you don't need to become one. Heck, my grandparents spent the greater part of the 1970s & 80s silent next to each other on the sofa, like they were posed in a painting. That's just natural and OK for some people.

I stay as long as mom is calm. I try to time my visits so there is a natural transition point for her that lets me go without so much fuss. E.g. I will visit before a meal time, so that when it's time to eat, I can get her setup at the table and then go when the food is served, or sit while she eats and then go when the table is cleared. It's much less disruptive this way.

I think it's OK to just "be" together as long as it's not agitating.

I can sort my mom's clothes when I go visit. This is something that has not ever caused her to get upset (so far) and she enjoys in her own way seeing all her things. I rehand them in the closet one at a time, and "take away for dry cleaning" the things that are too bad to keep wearing. They just don't ever come back and she doesn't remember.

I have found on Youtube, old home movies people have posted from the time period when mom was an unmarried girl (early-mid 1950s rural NC). She loves to see these, to see a time when things were better than now.

My friend was placed in an assisted living facility. The trouble with visiting is that I no longer understand his speech. His words are slurred and low and he falls asleep. I'm really not sure how to visit someone in this shape. When he asks me something I don't understand, so I just smile. Can someone recommend anything?

People have looked at me when I mentioned, if you have time please go vist your family member... Regardless if it's an Aunt, Uncle, Grandmother, or Grandfather, Etc....They are still a family member.... It is sad when I hear no-one visits them since people seem to be so busy in their tied up little lives...Wait until you get old and the same thing happens!! Remember the conversations are about the past, the future is confusing to them. Enjoy each and every moment and learn something besides worrying about nothing...

Oh and hey---bless everyone who is caregiving.

The biggest thing I notice is how easy it is to go to visit a loved one in a nursing home and not attend to that person while you're there. I try to remember I don't go to wacth t.v. with her; I go to listen to her. I go to bring her goodies that she enjoys and has no access to, without a great deal of patient assistance and thoughtfulness. I try to remember the old basics---where there is fear, let me bring some peace and calm; where there is dark, let me bring some light, etc. etc. etc. And I try to remember I can only do my best. I'm not always perfect, but being mindful of my goals helps.

Also, you could take a tape recorder and ask him about his childhood, young adulthood and the times he grew up in.........It will become a treasure for all of his relations. But don't make it too stressful. Baby steps.......

Photos of course.....however, if you could bring him something that he really loves, something that would really make him happy....a particular food or another treat like a super comfortable and easy to put on item of clothing, etc. During the visit if you could take him out or to another room if necessary, bring some photos or songs from HIS younger years. Someone could research what were the top songs. If you can sing those songs, as a matter of a topic of conversatiion you have slyly diverted to, he might join in and it is that physical exertion that will create a memory. The stronger the stimuli the stronger the response. When we visited my mother in law and we sort of played a "do you remember" this song? ....It was so much fun for her. It brought up memories and she didn't speak of them, but she knew a lot of the words to the songs. She got to be the center of attention...all on her own. Her pulse went up and it caused her to breathe deeper and more, thus using more oxygen....this is a good thing.
Studies have shown correlation in physical (in this case singing) activity and mental stimulation. (That's why teachers use the alphabet song when teaching letters)
It's a visceral connection....a strong emotional memory, and it being made by something that is not more of the same of his daily life.
When you go, try to chart out a few hours, sometimes just being with him with a ride in a wheelchair outside, fresh air is great!. How about a trip in the car, that for a change isn't to a doctors office? Be WITH him and try to concentrate on being his compassionate servant. Be pleasant, cheerful, but be sincere.
A small milkshake he might enjoy. The physical abilities are more diminished as we age and the ease and primal satisfaction of just sucking on a straw can be enjoyable because it doesn't take coordination or a lot of effort.
Also, just a bit of psychology.....a professional told me once (and when an elder is having enough trouble already we don't need to create more tension.)..."No questions". People subconsciously do not like questions. Make statements, like, "I do hope you like that flavor, grandfather." And of course, sincere and true compliments. If a staff person or someone says something nice about him, pass it on....TO HIM. His generation may eschew compliments, but he will appreciate it and it will brighten his day.
Be as good to him as possible and BE AUTHENTIC to yourself and him. You will find great secrets you never knew about him and yourself.
Good luck.

Maybe start a memory book (a simple 3-ring binder) with the person's name and picture on each page. Before they leave, perhaps they could leave a brief note about how much they enjoyed their visit with your loved one. They could put the date & time when they visited. Perhaps you could put the book on the nightstand or near your loved ones' door. If you know about the visit, you could write a weekly letter to your loved one saying that you were glad so and so was able to visit them. I write a note on Wed. telling my mother how much I appreciated our visit and mention a highlight. Please keep us updated.

Any suggestions on how to help the elderly remember that you visited? My husbands grandfather is in an assisted living home and he keeps getting emotional thinking everyone forgot about him, when in fact hr had several visitors the day prior. Any tricks to jog his memory? Anything to help him feel he is not alone?

What an encouraging article! Thank you. Too many times we avoid doing things because they make us "feel" uncomfortable. This article encouraged me to put my feelings aside and visit my mother in her skilled care nursing home often, because it is the right thing to do. In our Sunday School class with our children we sing the song "J O Y....I'll tell you what it means....Jesus first, Yourself last, and Others in-between. If we look to how we can please the Lord, be a blessing to others, and actively refuse to worry so much about ourselves, it puts a whole new perspective as to how we should live our lives--thanks again for this site:)

As to expesive nursing homes, the stories shared by one of my friends whose mother was in one such home are no different than the concerns shared by the rest of us relative to non-expensive nursing homes. There is a problem that is not being adequately or strategically addressed when it comes to nursing home care and operations. Thanks for your sharing. It makes me think.

Marianne, you are so right about dementia and depression. What horrible nursing home stories you and the other person who shared have experienced. My worst nightmare. I am not a nursing home fan because I know of too many horror stories. I am glad nursing homes exist, however, but the public spotlight always needs to remain in place for obvious reasons. Functional homes - I like that! I think someone else here at AgingCare.com dubbed them warehouses. That, they are.

Nursing homes. Firstly, the name Nursing should be removed,and replaced with assisted funtional homes. My Mother was in hospital for 10 months with an infection and put in an isolation rom and starting to behave like a person with Dementia. She was discharged and sent to a Nursing home and placed in the Dementia Unit. It was so sad to see the lack of care and emotional care. But what really frightened me was that my Mother was misplaced in this home. She has never been clinically diagnosed with Dementia and I had to challenge everyone involved with my Mothers assessements to convince them that depression and dementia can present with similar syptoms and I moved my Mother to another home which proved better. But what still concerns me is that with all our knowledge and resources, we are getting alot of things wrong in terms of caring for the elderly. The lack of emotional well-being, lack of interaction and lack of correct diagnoses leaves many elderly people in a home that is purely keeping them fed and clothed. These homes are very expensive and still fail to tick alot of boxes. I would like to see legislation brought in place to protect people who are living in these places. Human rights and all the other policies in place is not enough. I alone cannot change this situation, but really hope that if by a miracle I get any spare time, I can start awareness into this mess that our 'nursing homes' actually offer.

Great article, with practical tips for handling an emotional and difficult life event!

My mother was in a nursing home. She was on Medicaid. In Georgia,and maybe elsewhere, to change nursing homes they must have been taken to a hospital for 3 days in a row. You can not change by your own choice.After she became violently ill, just hours after her roommate died...they had a ham sandwich at the same time, a nurse called to tell me. She thought she had hung up the phone, but I heard someone berating her for calling us and saying, "Fine, if they want to pay for it." meaning her trip to the hospital. My son and I went to take her to the hospital. The social worker (manager) at the home said it was a virus that was going around on the hall she was on. The psuedo doctor, with no practice that I could find, came to the nursing home, squeezed her leg, said, "I guess you'll be going to the hospital." and rinsed his hands off in the sink in her room without using soap. At the hospital and hooked to heart monitors and numerous times setting of the alarm, I showed the attending physician the dried excrement on her toes in a desperate attempt to get them to recommend a move from that nursing home. The nursing home had tested her for dementia and had her sign a DNR. Yet when she and I went to the nurses desk to see her chart, they refused. The compression stockings I would bring her and put on her, would be gone the next day and they refused to find the ones I bought! This happened repeatedly at some expense.(They were quality hose). Once when she said she was very scared because she couldn't breath and thought she was dying, she said all they did was pat her on the back. They had no oxygen to give her on the premises! Her clothing was in other peoples rooms and all they gave them at night was a sugary lemonade with zero nutrional value. The physical therapist refused to put something on her footrests so her legs did not have strain and were supported. He told me to roll a towel up and tape it to her footrest. The requests for milk went unfulfilled. They did not even note in her chart about her gasping for breath and the nurse just sitting there patting her on her back telling her everything would be alright. One nurse came in and pulled her roommate up by her hair in helping her get up to go to the bathroom, while she glared at my mother. A change purse was stolen and the social worker that was always in charge during the day couldn't have cared less. Staff were asking her for money "to feed the stray cats" that hung around. Mother gave them fairly good description of the nurse that pulled her roommate up by her hair. The "manager" did absolutely nothing. The night she went to the hospital, the social worker "manager" was calling my cell phone repeatedly wanting information....a little late! This place is in Fairburn Georgia. It is a horrible place and when I met a gal in training to be a nurse and had gone there as a part of a course she was taking...she said it was horrible and nothing like other nursing homes. These places are nothing but tax writeoffs for the owners. They even billed her medicaid for a test they had no way of doing. I wrote the state department of human resouces and nothing happened to then. It was unsubstantiated, they said. DISGUSTING! Welcome to Georgia folks!

Your article reminds me that my most memorable visits to many nursing homes has been looking forward to chit-chatting with other residents who have welcomed positive interactions with others. Sometimes those residents have no visitors otherwise. Some individuals who reside in nursing homes are very endearing. Thanks for the reminder!

Hi
My mom is in a nursing home and yes there are smells there that sometimes make me want to escape; but somehow I manage to cope and stay by my mom's side. If I had my way, I would take care of her at home but the option just isn't there, so I do the next best thing and remain diligent in my devotion to taking care of her as best I can at the nursing home. Thanks for a great article on a subject few people want to discuss.
Mimara

Excellant article. Thanks alot. I have gone through some of these feelings myself. I still ask the question once in awhile," why is my Mom in the Nursing Home?" I am a Caring Clown and it is amazing how everyone lights up when I come in the building.