My mother is in memory care due to Alzheimer's Disease. She will not able to.go home again. My siblings and I have divided her possessions by what we feel is a family heirloom, what has family value to us. Does it mean we are greedy, selfish people looking after our own interest...NO! What we don't want will be sold along with mom's house....the money will be put in mom's accounts for her care. We are very involved in mom's care but ar cannot indefinitely leave her house and the upkeep of it as acting in her best interest. We have divided possessions according to what mom planned on giving us. There is no fighting about. I am proud of the way we have handled it as mature adults. Some pf her possessions have family memories for us...but memories of mom in the past are in our hearts. More importantly...we continue to make memories with mom in the present.

People are what you should remember, stuff is just stuff. As soon as my mother was in hospice, I gave away everything. An individual is not their possessions, those are just the lint we pick up rolling through life.

I have taken care of my mother for 5 years, she has a home and some possessions, she also has alzheimers and doesn not know anyone anymore and she also does not remember anything about her home, how to cook, clean or take care of herself, etc. I have several siblings who have not been able to help with the caregiving or the finances. We need to sell mom's home and possessions to help with skilled care. I don't think this is cruel, if everyone in the family has something special from her, then what is the problem? We have memories of our family and mom and that should take place of any little old possession. Taking care of your parent should be your first and foremost priority. That was the way it was when our parents were raising us.

I think the big question is: Is your mom aware of her situation such that she might have some input? Are you in the process of selling the home or ending a lease such that you will indeed need to get rid of some/all of the items?
Consider having a few treasured momentos (lamp? picture? blanket, etc.) at the NH or facility where your mom is if possible and allowed. That way, you and she can continue to enjoy special items and memories associated with the items.
Second; take pictures of many treasured items; rooms, etc. and putting in an album or create a book of these (on shutterfly) that your mom can have to remember, share or discuss.
Lastly, ask family members if there is one or two special items they would like to have (preface with that they may not get exactly what they ask for; but you will try to be fair).
I don't think this is disrespectful and yes; it is sometimes helpful and necessary to purge items -- particularly if she will never come home and simplify the inevitable. Many items - dishes, pots and pans, books, household items, clothes, etc can be donated to your church (for needy); goodwill; veterans, habitat for humanity, etc. If you plan to sell many items; consider distributing the treasured items first among family and your mom's friends; if you have a yard sale; consider using the money to donate to hospice, buying a need item/items, creating a memorial garden for the NH/facilty in rememberance of your mom.

Maryrose, does anyone of the six want the house? Would that person be willing/able to buy the others out, at a fair market price for the house in its present condition?

If no one wants the house, does it make more sense to sell it as-is and divide the money, or to invest a little in fixing it up some and selling it for more?

I beleive that insurance policies generally have listed beneficiaries, and the money from them goes directly to the persons listed, not to be divided according to a will. Is that how you understand it?

Does Mother have a pre-paid funeral plan? If not, where is that money coming from?

What other assets are there that need to be divided?

What about sentimental value? Has it been decided who is getting the oak rocking chair and who will receive the depression glass pieces?

I am a joint executor and the small estate, with a very old, falling into pieces home, is to be divided six ways. How or where in the world does one begin, after the funeral of course. Mom is 90 and we almost lost her in Feb. She is doing quite a bit better but not well at all. I'd like some concrete steps, after the funeral, small insurance, etc. Thanks loving daughter with some difficult siblings, one of whom is the co executor.

Regarding Kalypso's latest post, I understand the hesitation to dispose or give away a loved ones belongings while they are still alive. My mother had already been in the NH for 2 months (we let her think it was still the rehab unit), and I had not touched her apt. I knew she would probably never be able to come home, but her being a very strong-willed and independent-minded woman, she (in her delusional mind) kept saying she would be coming home "soon", "in a couple of weeks", etc., and I (as well as her sisters) did not have the heart to disillusion her. I knew I should probably go to her apt and at least start packing up, but every time I went over to start, I would look at everything and get sick to my stomach because I just kept thinking "but she's still alive!", and I just had to leave without doing anything. The turning point came when Medicaid kicked in 100% for nursing home care, and meant that we would have to give up her Social Security check every month to the nursing home as well. As that was her only source of income and she had no other assets (nor do I), we could not afford to keep paying her rent and therefore had to give up her apt. So that was the turning point that dictated I could no longer keep up the charade with Mom and it was time to tell her the truth. It was a very emotionally wrenching experience when the doctor and I broke the news to her, and she took it so badly, they had to give her a sedative for a couple of days. The following weekend (as described in my previous post) my family came to help me dismantle her apt and put her things in storage. The storage fee is cheap enough to manage for an indefinite period. Will Mom ever get better? As others have said here, dementia/alzhemers patients never get better. Will I ever earn enough money to be able to bring her home and pay for the 24-hr care she needs? Maybe but not likely. So bottom line, it does make sense (if you can stomach it) to at least start clearing out the non-essential household stuff & actual junk we all accumulate over the years, as well as packing up the personal belongs and personal treasures. It is a huge job, so it makes sense to do what you can when you have the time. Should you give things of personal value away without the input of your loved one? That's a tough decision that only the person in charge can make since the alheimer's patient is not able. I couldn't/and didn't want to, so the essentials and the personal treasures are now in storage. Thankfully, none of my family asked me for anything of significant personal or monetary value while they were helping me, as inherently they knew that was not the right time to do so. Interestingly (although probably typical), although Mom was advised by me and the doctor the truth of her situation, she seems to have forgotten the actual facts and is back to telling everyone that she will be going home "in a couple of weeks/soon/a month" etc. No one has the heart to remind her of the truth that is somewhere in the recesses of her mind, so we just go along with her and tell her we hope so and change the subject! Although it still upsets me that we did what we had to do, a lot of my mental/emotional stress is relieved because the truth has been told even though she does not remember it anymore. None of this is easy, and I'm so grateful for this forum where we get to see that everyone is struggling with similar issues and we can learn from eachother.

Ah, kalypso, I see from your new post today that you are new to caregiving and struggling with how to best take on that role. That is OK. We all were new at this once! You'll probably quickly see the value in supporting each other on this forum, and on being gentle with each other. It is perfectly OK to disagree. The more viewpoints expressed, the better chance we all have of learning. Keeping the disagreements respectful is the key ...

Kalypso : Did you even read the article It was talking about going ahead & getting rid of someones belonging is fine. I wish we all that live pass 70 should start giving who you want to have it go to would be great but alzhiemers kinda works on people for a while Our family looks back & have no clue where some stuff is or who hAs what because when you said you liked something she was sending it home with you. Also she downsized 15 years ago to live with a friend & our family just found out there daughter is moving in so yea my sister n law went got her stuff brought bathroom and personals here to her at our house along with pictures and memory stuff & the other stuff if one of grandkids or kids asked we gave like all our pictures we gave her over years we gave them back to who gave them to her n my brother n law was thrilled because his x wife got pic. in divorce & he has kids.. I BELEIVE every bodys situation is different. YOU are fine Jeanne I like to vent & you girls that can tell me what you think and take your great advice & caring nature...Just like cat we dont like being judged on this site this is our vent place and its bad enough I got to go into my front room and see a alf doll and 3 pretty bears that were brought to our home over a month a go its a shame my mil never even notice the ugly alf doll been at end of her bed since like 1980"s......

Kalypso: I have to suggest that you consider what others are saying and try to understand that your opinion is valued, but it is your opinion. By all means, do what you believe is best, but don't judge others so harshly. Jeanne has done more caring and supporting on this site than anyone I know and she has taken the best possible care of her husband for many many years. You could not begin to walk in her shoes. I don't mean to be confrontational here, but you are out of line.

Cattails

My last comment for the day. I think you all make good sense. I'm more towards keeping mom's stuff here while she's still alive. When she dies, then we can give out her possession among us. My sister believes in getting rid of anything of mom's that we're not using. I was aghast to watch her throwing mom's stuff but I did get to keep some of her precious oriental dolls, oriental figures and vases. Thrown out was her oriental trays, etc...Sis kept telling me that the purpose of cleaning is to get rid off stuff that we're not using. What was junk to my sister, was memories of mom's passion (oriental). See? We're siblings but we have opposite ideas about this just as you all do.

So, conclusion: If you have no problem getting rid of her stuff, and there is no possibility of her finding out, and if you don't mind people talking about you doing this before she dies, and if you can keep maybe one or two item as mementos of her, then ...go for it!

Kalypso, you think a caregiver doesn't have a "right" to give away possessions while the owner is alive. I think a caregiver has a responsibility to take care of final business and it isn't critical whether some of those tasks happen before or after death. You and I disagree. I'm sure that you are sincere and I do not question your motives.

Why do you insist on casting aspersions on my motives? What is with this "merely some kind of holding cell for death" business? Why don't you express your opinion without attacking other people?

Jeanne, you make a very good point, and i agree that it is wisest and most effective to make those decisions yourself, like you're Auntie E did. It's a very different situation when someone else is making those decisions for you. No matter how well-intentioned your children/ nephews/ nieces/ cousins are, they do not have the right to get rid of your possessions while you're still alive, unless you ask them to.
If they're too ill to make that decision, then i think it's necessary to wait. Your elder may never come home, but that does not mean you can disseminate her/his stuff, because they're still alive! Unless putting someone in a nursing home is merely some kind of holding cell for death. If that's how you see it, then by all means, go ahead :)

My dad had a major stroke a year ago. He and my mom lived next door, across the driveway from us, in a house we had built for them on our property. My mom had passed in Dec 2008. It took my dad over a year to decide to clear out her clothes and empty drawers that she kept in the bathroom. When he was ready, I took care of that task for him. After my dad's stroke, he came to live under our roof. It was clear he was never going to be in his house again, because he required 24 hour care. It took me at least 6 months, but slowly I went over to his house and went through all his books, donating hundreds to the library. (My dad couldn't read anymore.) Step by step, I boxed up keepsakes for my sister and brothers and labeled them. What my dad would find comforting I brought to our house and put in his room. Other than that, I gave things to goodwill so someone who was in need could use them.

I will say that it was especially painful to do this while he was living. I think that was the hardest thing, essentially dismantling the home of someone who was still with me everyday. Going through personal items and all the memories I associated with them. It broke my heart. Something as simple as nose spray. My parents didn't have a lot of valuable items, but that was not the point. Every item was a part of their existence and daily routine. The broken egg cup holder that my dad still insisted on using for soft boiled eggs, the cane he use to walk with, the assortment of jackets hanging on the coat rack. Nothing of monetary value, but they all held memories and represented a lot of their lives. The hardest thing was donating the clothes I had bought my dad in 2009 when we took him to Wales to visit his remaining brother and sister. He looked so sharp in those clothes, all dressed up for the family get togethers and we shared that special time with him. He just beamed and loved being the center of attention. I hated parting with those items because they were so special to me, but why shouldn't someone else in need have them? Maybe someone, right now, needs something to wear to a job interview.

About 10 days ago, we placed my dad in nursing home care. That was another hard decision. I see him everyday and know the staff and feel he is in good hands. I have a hard time with this too. No matter what you do, it's never easy.

I wasn't offended by Cindy's comments. I think Jeanne's made great sense, but more for us that are listening and could decide to gift our treasures in our current stability. I would be happy to see my son and granddaughter in possession of things I love while I transition to a smaller living environment. That's good food for thought for all of us.

I did think that Kalypso's comments were somewhat cruel, but I don't know Kalypso's history. Bhenson's comments were understandable to me because her mom's death took place over a relatively short but difficult time. There was no time for her to think about her mom's possessions as she was so focused on her mom's imminent death.

When a death or the lack of life is an ongoing process, I think each person should just evaluate what's in their heart and do what they think is best. I don't think they should be judged harshly for sharing with others.

Hugs, Cattails

I actually went through this very scenario today. Two weeks ago, The doctor and I finally broke the news to Mom that she was no longer physically capable of living independently (and we don't have the resources to privately pay aides for the excess hours beyond what Medicaid pays for) and must stay in the nursing home from this point on. Add to that her progressing dementia. She probably will never come home, although I assured her that if the time came that I was earning enough money to pay for private aides, I would "bring her home". After her initial anger and fury, that promise seemed to appease her, and she assumed that we would put her belongings in storage for future retrieval. So today, a bunch of family members came to help me dismantle her apt and put the majority of her things in storage. I think we were all pretty sensible about it. I did give her sisters and my cousins some practical items they claimed to have use for, and that I knew my mother would really never use again or even remember even if she did eventually get out of the NH. However, I did not give away anything of real value, or that I knew she cherised. Out of respect for her wishes, I thought best to to just store the majority of her belongings while she is still alive. Had I done otherwise, it would have felt that I was just 'writing her off' before her demise.

My mother's oldest sister began sorting and divesting herself of belongings starting in her 80s. I know some people place stickers on possessions, saying who should have each item. Aunt E did one better ... she simply gave the items away. When she no longer drove, she gave away her car. Once when I visited her there was an oilcloth on the table that had always had a lace cloth, because she had given the lace one to her daughter. And little by little the sentimental treasures in her home were replaced. The "real" items were in the hands of those she meant to have them. She could eat on her old lace tablecloth when she visited her daughter. Her antique bookcase was in her son's home, and the books were donated to the town library. I have a little glass basket from her curio cabinet and I think of her each time it catches my eye on my own glass shelf. In her 90s this sensible woman checked herself into the community care center. When her children sold her house a few years later (while Aunt E was still alive), there was no agonizing question of what to do with the "treasures." It was simply a financial transaction. I truly hope that I will have the good sense to follow Aunt E's example, and take charge of what happens to the sentimental treasure of my estate while I am still of sound mind.

My grandmother gave me a ceramic Christmas tree before she moved out of state. Charolottelim, I don't understand what you mean by "you will have NOTHING to remember her when she is gone." The little glass basket and the ceramic Christmas tree are absolutely permanent reminders of my loved ones. The fact that I got them before their owners died does not in any way detract from their value in that regard.

Kalypso, you think of giving the possessions away as an erasure. Since you look at it that way it would be very inappropriate to "erase" your mom's presence and it would be very painful for you. I would never urge you to do it. But other people see giving away possessions as a "dispersal." Rather than erasing the presence it is a matter of spreading it out. All those little treasures that were in the lighted curio cabinet in the dining room are now in several cabinets and shelves all over the state and beyond. Mom's presence hasn't been erased ... it has been relocated and celebrated. Erased? Dispersed? These are just ways we look at things. I respect your view on not giving away someone's possessions before they die, but I also don't think people who hold a different view are disrepectful or insensitive.

Bhenson, believe me, people with Alzhiemer's or other forms of dementia who go into a nursing home are NOT going to get better. If there is the slightest chance of the loved one recovering and returning home, then it should be up the them whether/when to give possessions away. Maybe like my Aunt E they'd welcome the chance to take control of seeing to it their treasures have good new home. And maybe not.

alnderry, how wise to recognize "There's a delicate balance between keeping a shrine with nothing changed and being realistic about adjusting to a new pattern of life." I am so sorry you are needing to adjust to a new pattern of life. Having a spouse in a nursing home is a very painful loss.

This is a useful topic to think about.

You will regret later if you give away her possession too soon, not only you will have NOTHING to remember her when she is gone, but it is also disrespectful to do that.
I can not think of a good reason why you have the thought, do you?

My case is a little different. My husband has gone to a nursing home because of repeated falls. Our family doctor said the first priority should be that he be safe and I was physically unable to lift him or to prevent falls from happening in the first place. He does not have Alzheimer's; he is very much aware.

For several years now I have been engaged in "purging" the possessions we have accumulated over the years so the children won't have to do it when we're gone. Although my husband isn't physically here now, I often feel like he's looking over my shoulder when I decide to discard something. Already he has asked for an item that I had to admit was gone, so tread carefully. There's a delicate balance between keeping a shrine with nothing changed and being realistic about adjusting to a new pattern of life.

I completely disagree with the answer as well! Your mom is in a nursing home. She's not gone. I wouldn't care if she had alzheimers and didn't know, they are still her possessions. Before my mom passed away I wouldn't have ever thought to give anything away. This is her stuff and she didn't tell me to. What would have happened if by chance, mom got better and i had given all her stuff away. I agree with Kalypso that it is sooo disrespectful to do that. I can't tell you how much the answer enraged me. While mom is alive, she still owns that stuff. Unless she told you specifically to give it away I wouldn't do that. Also, if I had started giving mom's stuff away while she was alive, I think my relatives would have taken it as if I were trying to speed up her death or something. I would beg of you not to listen to Cindy.

With all due respect, that's bullshit. Giving away her possessions the second she's out the door is like effectively erasing her as an individual. The reason we wait until someone is dead, is because once they're dead, their possessions help us REMEMBER them. If she's still ALIVE, she doesn't need to remembered, she needs to be visited, cared for, loved, spoken to, helped.
I know how difficult it must be to be the child of an Alzhiemers patient. It's no where near easy to do what you're doing. But farming her off to a home and then dividing up her stuff the second she's gone is not only disrespectful, it's insensitive.