My Dad has some sort to dementia (very forgettful and prone to lose his temper when he gets frustrated) and my Mom is constantly pestering him. He follows her around like a puppy dog, and this really gets on Mom's nerves. She wants to put him in a nursing home, but I feel he is not to that stage. They live on my farm in their own house.

My father is close to 100 years old. He has always been "prim and proper", but in recent years, he has been taking advantage of the women caregivers we have hired to care for him. He grabs their breasts, or their arms and insist on kissing them. How do you deal with this anomaly? Why has he turned into a lewd man.?

I was caling My Mom twice a day to remind her to take her pills . Last year she ended up in the hopistal for 9 days becuase she triple doseed. I call and she just compains that I'm nagging her to death. I really wanted to stop but I knew I couldn't. About four mnths ago, I bought her a MED-Q Pillbox. I set it and it flashes on the individual box of pills she has to take so she can't make a mistake. It has an a alrm that keeps getting louder until she takes her pills. She doesn't miss her meds and I don't have to call her and get yelled at. Cost less than 60 dollars but has been priceless for our relationship. I recommend it to everyone who has to call to remind

I just read everything on this page and how sad is this? It made me feel better. Seriously, I even had a hearty laugh or two. My mother has been caught red-handed lying to her Medicaid caseworker about eating bacon (not on the no-salt diet list). She had a piece in her mouth, several pieces wrapped in a napkin, and bacon crumbs all over her top. When asked, she replied, she only had one little taste. Oh well.

This article has some great points and it reminded me of an article I just read on Partners in Care about handling parental "rebellion"

My father has always been obnoxious, swearing, belching, dirty, eating in his room, leaving a mess all over the house. I always dreaded visiting his home. Now he has to live with me and I think I may have a nervous breakdown - I'm at the end of my rope and don't know what to do. He has no money, no savings and barely enough income to be on his own. I feel if I tell my siblings (all step and half siblings) my problem they will see me as heartless and a terrible daughter.

Caring for elderly parents is NOT for the faint of heart,

Yeah, I just put up with it, taking into account their ages, aches and pains and all. Whenever I ask for help, all I get as an answer is that the only help I'm going to get is help getting thrown out of the house! W

Bridget159, this site has been a lifesaver for me. Mom was diagnosed in December 2011 with Alzheimers and had gone down hill extremely fast. Right now my brother and I are weighing full time in home help verses placing her in an assisted living geared toward Alzheimers. Wish I could say it gets easier but it doesn't. Good Luck!!

titimme, he has not been diagnosed yet. I am trying. It is extremely difficult when he pulls out all the stops to fake being ok in front of doctors. Since your post, I have found an attorney who can help me and we are taking the necessary steps towards guardianship. THANK YOU so very much for your support.

Bridget159, has your dad been diagnosed with dementia/alzheimers? If not I would get him to a neurologist immediately. You need to gain guardianship of him as soon as possible. Given that he has displayed violence to you and pulled a gun, perhaps you need to have the police come and commit him for a 72 hours observation.

P.S. I live in Missouri, if anyone knows the law here that would be helpful as well.

My father is 72. I'm at my wit's end! I have had to move into his home to care for him, his finances, doctor's appts., cooking, everything. He depends on me as if I'm his wife, rather than his daughter. I'm 47, with 2 children of my own & a husband. My father has tried to strangle me, burnt me with a cookie sheet, drawn a GUN in the middle of the night to scare the kids (16 & 19) and completely vandalized (demolished) my husband's motor cycle in the middle of the night. He hoards things (but hasn't gotten to the point of disgusting yet), constantly yells, complains and screams about the smallest of things (i.e. the coffee pot is not in the right spot, there's dust on the floor). He refuses help even after contacting 2 doctors. We are all frightened and have no where to go! If anyone can give me some advice I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you so much.

i relate to ya all why had i not found you earlier! i'm really mixed today mom to home and i feel truely mixed up not heavy of heart but mention out loud and i cry.

My elderly mother, also with dementia, has recently lost both of her hearing aids - again. While I can't really address how to keep an elder from losing things (inside the house, no less), I can suggest you consider purchasing a rider on her home insurance (your's if she lives with you) because after this last time Mom lost her hearing aids, we contacted her insurance company and they are being replaced, no questions asked, at no cost to her ($1,000 each). Worth the $54 per year to add to her insurance? Oh yeah! Winston Churchill once said, "Keep calm and carry on", but I'm sure he wasn't caring for and elderly parent at the time!

My mother who has dementia keeps losing her hearing aid and also her dental bridges which we have had to replace three times already. Any ideas?

You're very welcome. :-) W

Thanks!

Over time, you develop a thick skin. Like I have. Good luck out there. :-) W

Thank you for your comments. It helps. I'm not a stranger to the elderly and their quirks. My family took care of 5 elderly relations from the time I was 6yrs old to 30 yrs old. My Mother deserves the best daughter of the century award. I'm worried not because I'm going to be doing it but because I have 6 of them all at one time. And....to be honest rudeness is a pet peeve of mine...I know I'm going to be developing more "character" in the next ten years. I was just hoping for a more gradual onset. 6 at once is scary.

Abuse is forgivable if the parent has dementia or alzheimer's. But many people here have had abuse all of their lives. When they were little kids. This is just more of the same. You don't get used to that. It has caused damage and will continue to do so. The last thing my Dad said to me before he went into the hospital to die was "you just want to know how much money I have." Why did he say this? Because I didn't know how much money he had and he had Parkinson's. He was looking at NH care or something of that sort. I suggested he find out what he could qualify for with the VA since he spent 7 years in the military. That was our last conversation. Just more of the same old jerky behavior. So, no you never get used to verbal abuse, it still hurts.

And by the way, he had close to a million dollars at the time but was embarrased to let his kids know because he did absolutely "0" for them all their lives. Sorry but this hit a nerve.

You have to just get used to the verbal abuse. It's part of the job. I've developed an immunity to it already. :-) W

Thank you, all of you, for reminding me that what I am dealing with is still minor. We have 6 family members that are between the ages of 78 and 81 that we are looking after. So far, the behaviors are just rudeness and dementia. 2 are diabetics which want to give themselves shots at the table. One is overly concerned about diet and insists and asking if his wife is eating anything with sugar/sweetener/anything else he perceives as not on her diet. This usually happens in accusatory tones during the meal. The rest....well, they are doing the best that they can. I'm definitely bookmarking this site. I just feel the beginning of my deep service years starting and I'm scared.

I have been caring for my mom, who has stage 2 pancreatic cancer for 2 years. She was living in another state and my sibling was caring for her, but mom's constant need for confusion and trouble became too much. Mom started more confusion by constantly calling me asking to move in with me and have me care for her. I granted her request and moved her over 3 states to live with me and my then 2 year old child. At first everything was okay, I had gotten some hospice in home care for her, but she began doing things that just were hospice inappropriate and putting herself and my home and family at risk for being robbed or worst. It got so bad in my home that eventually I had to ask her to leave and her response was that she was ready to leave. So with the help of the hospice social worker (from the hospice that wouldn't step in and remove her from my house for just a week to give me time to breath) they helped mom select an assistant living facility to move into. She has been there for a year and has had some declines but appears to snapped back after a few days of hospitalization. She recently had a hospitalization and she was unconscious, but she awaken I thought she'd be okay and everything was okay between she and I (for goodness sakes she and my child and I had just been out shopping 2 days before she had this recent decline). Mom began calling me from the hospital leaving nasty messages on my cell phone and home phone. Then I get a call from a hospital case manager telling me that everything will work out for everyone if I just buy my mom a ticket back to were she started??? I was completely thrown for a loop because I was under the impression nothing was going on bad. I agreed to get her a ticket and I spoke to my sibling to assure it was okay for mom to come and stay with her. My sibling (who is in a bad financial situation along with some abuse going on in her home-that mom is aware of) said okay. Also I forgot to add that this sibling is listed as number one on mom's power of attorney form and I as an alternative. And until recently, no one had a problem with me helping to make decisions for mom or her care. All of a sudden the hospice (that has cared for mom for 2 years) and hospital personnel don't want to talk to me only my sister who resides 3 states away. When mom was released from the hospital her stories and tone has changed, she now wants to stay in my state and doesn't want to move-so she says. The hospice that has cared for her for the last 2 years has all of a sudden dropped her stating to me that she doesn't have pancreatic cancer because she has survived 2 years almost 3 years past her diagnosis. Which just doesn't seem right to me on a few levels-like they have started her on morphine and anti-depressant drugs and now it appears (even a hospice RN confirmed this) that she is having a lot of paranoia and mental status changes. Also the same hospice people that tell me that my mom doesn't have cancer filled out my intermittent FMLA forms stating mom is terminally ill??? Now mom is calling me 4 to 6 times a day and getting upset because I will not go over and take her out with me and my child. I am afraid of what her words can do as far as painting a bad picture of me if it fits her fancy for the day. So I have been keeping my distance and I keep telling myself that she is in the care of the people in the assistance living facility, but on the same note it is bothering me. I can't take much more of her constant back and forth and the nasty behavior (treatment and words and pitting family members against each other) I also am upset about how hospice has stepped away and left me in sort of a lerch of how she is going to get her pain management. Sorry for such a long post.

This is my Mom too. She has no friends or close relationships. Has alienated her children. And what is it with the curtains always being drawn? She won't open a window if her life depended on it. Doesn't have a neighbor she trusts, even though they have been wonderful to her. Not one sibling, and she has six living, that she calls or talks to because she loves them. They check up on her, being good souls. Keeps secrets from me about her money. Doesn't go to the doctor unless she is very ill. I could go on and on. But it is interesting to see that she does have some personality disorder or mental disorder. Makes life for me and my brother hard.

I am now middle age. Years ago, I recognized bad behavior in my mother which she directed at the world around her - she fought with neighbors, eventually all of her friends, and most recently her physician (who I know accomodated her extensively) and finally me. From my readings, I have learned that she has always met the DSM IV criteria for Paranoia. I also see this behavior in other family members, in fact one brother is institutionalized (a big family secret, of course), another quit his job just before retirement, and got divorced twice. And I hear the same explanations from him - that he externalizes all of his anger, everybody else is motivated by some nefarious intent to hurt him.
My mother has become especially venemous toward me since she totalled her car and I gave my opinion that she should not drive. She has shut me out of her life totally except for her accusations that I am "slick" or "sneaky" or other endearing adjectives. She sits all day in the dark, curtains closed, rocking in her chair with her arms crossed. I have tried to approach my closest brother about her behavior, which he denies seing. I feel powerless to intervene in her life, except the next time she injures herself (she has falleni n the house) will prompt me to speak to authorities to have her placed in a care facility, which will upset my siblings, none of whom acknowledge the situation (you may conclude why not). It hurts greatly. The only benefit I will have from this is that I am left with a model of what paranoia looks like, to guide me in my decisions from now on.

Dad, who has some dementia, just got a new hobby that he is obsessed with. It's nose picking. I mentioned it to the nursing home and they just shrugged.

My elders exemplify 9 out of the 10 bad behaviors. Now, all I'm waiting for is them to start hoarding and then they're be exemplary in demonstrating bad behavior. :-) Tschuss! :-) Wayne

Just a thank you to agingcare. This article is exactly what I needed. Unfortunately, I am dealing with several of these behaviors at the same time. You folks are lifesavers: (1) for acknowledging these situations exist, and that we are not alone, and (2) practical coping mechanisms. Many thanks again!

My elders have demonstrated nine out of the ten bad behaviors. I am now just waiting for them to start hoarding.