What do you do when none of these are a factor in your parents behavior? Dementia, depression, and loss of smell are not an issue. What if your parents was a bastard when they were young, and nothing has changed into their elder years? None of her other kids want anything to do with her because she is a horrible mother, leaving my fiancé and I to care for her. I am sure she has normal frustrations, but deliberately doing things to aggravate us, never asking if her own son is doing okay when he has heart problems. In fact not even caring when we have health issues, talking to her for many years about how much EXTREME stress this has caused. She takes 4-6 hours to eat her dinner of which we have to make sure she eats because she has tested time and time again to be malnourished when left to her own devices to get her own meals. I make all her meals daily, and who does it look bad for when these test results come in? Us, we even had APS (adult protective services) come and investigate out household because of lies she told to her neighbors about being abused, us taking her money, and not having anything to eat. Of course they dropped this once they came to our house and seeing we live in a beautiful home, with a huge pantry full of food, and a nice clean, well kept home. We have to watch her like a hawk because she will take off to the ice cream man and not lock the door on purpose saying who cares if anyone breaks in, there's nothing to take anyway. She refuses to shower but instead pretends to shower by standing outside of the shower and running the water. When I say she stinks that is another story altogether, she refuses to admit she needs help with her urinary incontinence despite pleas that it's no big deal and we will make sure she has what she needs for this problem. She will keep wetting her bed, using my expensive towels to pee on in her bed, will keep peed on clothing and underwear in her room, urine soaked pads and homemade pads out of toilet paper under her bed. She has no physical issues or mental issues whatsoever which is baffling understandably every time I relay this information to anyone I talk to about this issue. She has full range motion and is clear in thought which lets me know she does these things on purpose. There are just some things that when you personally know someone for a long time, and you are there in that situation when you just know someone is doing something on purpose. You just have to be in that situation. She admitted last night that if she has caused suffering for her children or anyone, that she doesn't care and that she will pay once she is dead. I know this sounds horrific, but I have to be honest, I know I will feel relief once she is dead. I'm actually looking forward to it.

I had a nurse tell me once, that people die, the way they lived. If they were aggressive and swore and just were plain nasty in life, then they will be even worse dying. It made a lot of sense to me. I am very fortunate that my Partner does not know swear words and if I used one ever, he always looked at me and said, I don't think a sweet women like you should use those words...Put me in my place and I was happy he did.

Honestly...... I would just sit around and twiddle my thumbs if we had a caregiver right now. My kids and grand kids live in other states. My Partner and I are very close and he is my best friend. Why would I want to leave him with someone else? BUT, big BUT......I know for my own sanity and health, I should take breaks. I do at this point without a caregiver. I usually leave for about an hour. We live at the beach, so I drive down to the port and just walk. If I can go somewhere and just take my Kindle and read, I am in heaven. If he lives long enough to get worse, then of course, I will adjust accordingly. At present he had PT twice a week and a nurse once a week (just checks him for about an hour). But, I always stay as I want to know what it is they are doing so I can do the same thing For now, I am ok. When this all started, I freaked out and was unable to get control of the situation. It was just different from our daily living. But, I have pulled all the pieces together and am "just truckin" now. My time with him is so precious that I cannot imagine giving up my time with him for time with any of my friends. OF COURSE, I know when he dies, I will be lost. Not really, I am already planning my first trip. I will leave for Israel within 4 months and stay there for at least three months. I plan to take my grandson with me. So, life is grand at this point!!!!! You will hear me yell when I need help as you all have been FANTASTIC

I believe that sometimes there are no answers.

I'm so tired of the swearing! It's wearing me down. I hate to be called a _itch all day long by a MIL who never says anything nice. I am 65 and never use foul language - never did. I hate that the air in my house is is constantly "blue." I don't feel at home and comfortable in my own house anymore. Just so tired of it all.

My partner has been moving in bed and using his hands to do "whatever he is doing", like he is setting a table or something,,,,,Then tonight he asked me where his other hearing aid was. He does not have another one. He looked at me and said,,,who am I talking to that you don't know I have two. Well 30 minutes later he realized that he did not have a second one. It is happening slowly. He is really easy going and never swears. I am very fortunate on that one. But, he is struggling with memory

I am 43 years old, and he is now 90 years old. I live with him and I am the only care giver to my father. My father mentally and physical healthy, he does not have alzheimer. However he is extremely, extremely stubborn. He insists to do all the cooking, breakfast, and dinner. His cooking is sucks, takes so long, repeat and repeat dishes. He is extremely wasteful when it comes to spending money, there are tons and tons of little details that he insist. He can not survive without me yeild him. I yeild him, pretend to love not angry, not upset. 6 years, I do the caring 7 days a week, not to mention having a verbally abusive older sister. Now I am suffering from depression. I really wish to die, or being hospitalized, or go to jail, so that I can end the suffer. Can anyone understand me? I am too tired to talk to him, as he doesn't listen, too tired to resist. My life seems has absolutely no future as his health is extremely, extremely healthy. I don't know how long can I hold on.

Try to find respite care or a daycare to get a break. Most insurances will bring in help ,if for nothing else to go somewhere to enjoy your self. This is something I truly believe can make it more tollerable. Most people have friends untill your in this situation but they seem to fade away and it can be very lonely. Above all take care of your self

Have you tried to get a home health aide? A dispassionate caregiver can get people to do more than the close family. Just a thought. Then you get some free time.

I just read through the article to gain some insight into behaviors. My mother in law lives with us an has dementia. We are her sole caregivers fr the most part. My parents are in their late nineties,still live home,but need me there all the time. The biggest thing we see with my mother in law is pacing,lack of hygiene, demanding,and lately some anger. My parents can be very demanding and my dad tends to take out his frustration on me. My sister lives close by,but rarely visits them and only calls them once a week. If I don't stop over or call daily I get the third degree. My dad has a problem with arthritis in his upper back which leads to pain in his arms. His doctor has said there is nothing that can be done. My dad also has a small tumor in his kidney so he can't take aspirin based pain relievers,only Tylenol. he will tell me he can't sleep at night yet I know his habits. He falls asleep in his chair after dinner and then wakes around eleven and goes to bed. Having been asleep for a few hours he has difficulty falling asleep again. I don't doubt he has pain in his arms. I tell him every day to take some Tylenol before bed,but he forgets. My mom is deaf and won't wear her hearing aid. She has something called musical ear and hears people talking. The doctor has told her she needs to wear the hearing aid as her inner ear is creating sound without it. She also turns the TV on full volume for twelve hours a day. I have a difficult time dealing with my MIL's lack of hygiene. I own a restaurant and clean hands is imperative. My mil puts her hands on everything in the kitchen. Because she doesn't remember when she last ate she eats constantly. She puts her hands all over the food and with her lack of hygiene makes a lot of tension in our home. My son and grandson also live with us. My grandson is seven. We all worry about the health ramifications of my mil handling the food we eat. We are all worn out.

When the bad behavior is all the time, it's not easy to cope with it 24/7

I think it hits home with me, as my mother is so sweet around other people but when she is alone with me she starts on it is cold in here, I said mom it is hot for me so can you put on a sweater. She would say no, then keep repeating the same thing unless I shut the ac or fan off.I usually go to my room when she is in the moods because no matter what I say she wil argue. Usually she will calm down then.

My friends mom is a little overweight...She has become impossible and lashes out at her daughter who is her primary caregiver...The mom waits for her daughter to go to bed and calls her to get her water, or some nonsense throughout the night. If the daughter goes out she calls her nonstop. What do you recommend for this daughter.

I came across this site by chance, looking for advice, help, re-assurance after yet another hurtful and unpleasant tirade from my mother in which she returned the flowers I gave her on mothers day. It is hugely helpful to know I am not alone in experiencing this behaviour from a parent who professes to love me, then says and does such horrible things. Other family members have also had this but I seem to be held overall responsible for the ways they have failed her! Which I hasten to add they are all lovely, normal, caring people whose failings are having busy iives and not giving her constant veneration how and when she demands it. I am going to work from now on not taking it personally!

One needs to be trained & educated as to how to identify anger issues.
Paranoia is a part of the illness. It manifest differently with everyone.

In my years of experience with these diseases, each one is different & who is involved in helping is different. Each case is different, as each of us are different.

There is no magic wand here~each case is different.

So glad I found this site. My sister and I are taking care of our elderly mother and aunt. Both have heart problems, our mother is blind, aunt had a stroke, and the usual aging issues. The problem is our mother has always been an extremely depressed, miserable person which has magnified now that she's older. She ignored my sister and I for her "favorites" (who are no where to be found unless they need something) yet expect us to be her "beck and call girls" whenever she pleases. I'm sad to say, my feelings for her are anything but positive and I find myself emotionally disengaging more and more. I appreciate this forum to share and vent. Thank you.

I have a mother that has never been happy that I can ever remember.
She has talked suicide for the last 15 years, it seems to get her way. She will not tell you want she wants or needs, everything she does is through manipulation. She even went as far to make up people, cutting pics out of magazines and framing. A woman and daughter, she was always comparing myself and daughter with them. This went on for two years until I discovered they were not real. After having enough I let her know that I knew and she wrote me hate letters and mailed me trying to make me think they were from them, which I knew better. A few years have pasted and now she is calling my 29 year old daughter threatening suicide. Telling my daughter that I don't have anything to do with her, I spend the whole week-end with her last week. She is 74 years old. I can't stand to be around her, she is so negative but I do try. Any suggestions how to deal with a parent like this? I will be there to care for her and my dad when the time is needed, I just can't bare to be around her wears on my nerves.

Very helpful! I choose not to take it personally!

My mom and aunt live together and I take care of my mom
They can't hear each other when having conversation, so I Lower tv and they both get mad at me!

Also, that is a lie that he can't change her meds w/o her permission. I know from personal experience with valium before they found out it is addictive. I quit cold turkey which may have been a bad idea when I thought I would never be able to give it up. Doctor refuses to write prescriptions unless the patient is going to taper off.... problem solved. I think you need a new doctor. Since when does the patient tell the doctor what medication to give them against the doctor's better judgment. I had a doctor in the practice wanting to put my daughter on acutane. I told him since the doctor who's practice it was wanted her on tetracycline a few tabs a month, guess what happened. Her reproductive system could have been ruined. I have had 5 doctors almost kill me. Find a doctor who can work with you and do your own research first! Obviously the meds are giving her hallucinations and paranoia.

Cymbalta interacts with lot of medications. My neighbor's son had a melt down when mixed w/ another drug even though it said right n the TV not to take with a certain other med. I didn't speak up and lived to regret it. Don't remember what it was since it was 3 or 4 years ago. Check out the drug interactions on WebMD. This is a terrific website or call the drug maker to check about Zanex w/ Cymbalta.

I was at my wits end with my mom; not quite sure what her problem was as to why she thought people were stealing from her, that she accused the neighbors of talking about her and she kept saying that we are whispering about her and calling her names when in fact we werent. My cousin told me about this article and it describes my mom exactly. She is on two different types of Anti-depressent drugs (Zanax) and also Cymbalta. We suspected that the medication was causing my mom to have audio and visual hallucinations as the doctor described it. However, my moms doctor said that there is nothing he can do about changing or removing my moms medication without her consent and since she won't consent he can't do anything about it. He told me she needed to see a psychiatrist, but she refuses to see one. I keep wondering if my mother is dangerous to herself or to others around her?

This behavior is not uncommon during stage 3 of dementia. The solution is to prevent the behavior from happening, this is done by accessing what is causing it, and prevent the prior actions before the behavior. If the parents are not getting along, it may be time to seperate their living quarters.The elderly are naturally emotional, they are unable to handle added emotions, please see to solve the issures before hand before someone pays a heavy price. One way of accessing prior events causing behavior is the A-B-C Behavior Chain, have you talked to the Dr's about meds? If one denies help, get social services or the Obundsman office involved, keeping them as seperate as possible until the situation is solved.

It's more of a problem when both parents are having health issues, dementia issues, and there's only one child. My parents are currently in separate nursing homes with the intent of bringing them home again in the near future. My mother is upset with my father because he has chosen to do treatment for his illness; she is upset with me because I haven't taken her home yet and because she feels I played a large part in my father's decision -- and I didn't. She sees "buggies" everywhere and picks at her skin, is convinced the caregivers at the facility want to kill her and is afraid of them, and now has stopped trusting her full-time caregiver who stays with her at home and sits with her at the facility. She is at the facility because she fell a couple of weeks ago and landed on the hip she broke in March, pulling muscles and possibly incurring a hairline fracture of her pelvis. The hip, thank goodness, remains intact. My father is starting chemo therapy again and will need transportation several times a week to and from the hospital and will require more assistance in the nursing home he is in, temporarily. I have a sister, but her husband is currently undergoing treatment for Stage IV metatastic melanoma out of state. I, whether because of the stress or some other problem, had a stroke in my eye three weeks ago and am partially blind in that eye with tests scheduled to find out why. I am taking care of the finances for my parents, their investment properties, and their home, while attempting to bounce between nursing homes and their demands, doctors' appointments, medication snafus, etc. I am employed and have a family, have community obligations, etc. and am to the point of being overwhelmed. What do people do in my situation?

Does anyone know anything about Ocular Mysthenia Gravis?
I'm at a TOTAL loss.I wouldn't know where to begin about something like this or how it affects Alzheimer's/Dementia. My mother has never been to see a Gerontologist, neither she nor my dad will agree to it, so I don't know what stage she is at in Dementia. She is obsessed with sex - and she and my dad are like taking care of two teenagers! My mother spreads her legs and rubs herself. My father is no better. He ignores my mother until she threatens to kill him in his sleep or run off with someone from down the street unless he gives her a good time in bed and treats her like a common trollop. I'm embarrassed to have my kids around them. They have no filter whatsoever! Dad is so racist - When I tell him he cant speak his mind around my kids or in my home, he gets so angry. Dad took out a 6 thousand dollar loan from the bank for penile implant surgery because its what mom wanted, but then didn't go through with it and I'm not sure what all the money was spent on, but I've given them access to my savings and my mother seems happier knowing she has access to my savings account - I don't I'm a bit miffed. I feel USED.
I stopped talking to them over ten years ago because of their juvenile & frequent abusive behavior towards themselves and everyone else - picking fights, complaining that no one loved them or would visit but pulling guns on people who did come to visit and threatening to shoot people who "were on their property" - pitting family members against each other. I only agreed to take care of them now because of their declining health - No one in my mother's family of 11 or my father's family of 5 including my brother will touch them. Everyone says that its just not worth being around them, that they cant handle the emotional drain that comes with having to deal with them, but I feel guilty for turning my back on my parents when they may need me most.
I don't have quite enough training to diagnose my father, but I think he may be schizophrenic - I cant force him to see a doctor without having him declared incompetent and taking care of him full time and I'm at a point where I just can barely handle what I have with him and my mother. I know my mother is chronically depressed, but she and my father are against seeing any doctors for medication or well-care visits. They feel like the government is invading their lives and privacy. Dad feels like I am the government and tells me all of the time he is prepared to defend himself and his home.
Has anyone every dealt with something like this?

I am SO sorry. My mother beat us and put me into a temporary coma at age 8 years. She should have gone to jail and my Dad was afraid if her. Between that and bad neighbors for 17 years, I have "abused child syndrome" and PTSD. On the upside, I am an over achiever married to a wonderful professional man with a great daughter. Learned from my mother what NOT to do. Just read Oprah's "Things I know for sure" and it has woken me up. I ordered 2 copies from Amazon and will treasure it always. Today is a GREAT day. Wish you well and offer it up as I did when I couldn't handle the pain and thought I would have a break down. This too shall pass and she won't be in your life forever. My parents are buried right near me and I only visit the graves 1-2 times a year. Still find it hard to forgive my mother. But, hey, here were some really good times and I know she was mentally ill. As for my friend, I can't let her bring me down. I can just be there for her if she needs me before retirement (not soon enough!) and the BIG move.

Well its informative, for caregivers and even tho I was a caregiver for 21 years...the difficult part is coming back to take care of a 90 year old mother who was a nasty horrible parent when I was younger..she tossed me and a brother out of the home, when we were 16-17 I was still going to school in 1967 she walked me outside the front door and said, get out, and closed the door??looking back I know I was very depressed...she had spit in my face, and hit me...I never attacked her, my other 2 brother and one sister say now...mom was probably always mentally ill...shes toned down a little...but her verbal and emotional dishes are still crushing...my sister says, don't let it bother you, easier said than done...I wish I could be her...I pray now.

You need to call your town social services department or the county or the state to get the ball rolling or better yet your her physician. God forbid some one gets injured or you father ends up being arrested.

My mother is experiencing hallucinations and paranoia. She is also stating my father is physically abusing her. He states she came at him with a knife and he restrained her by the wrists, leaving bruises. She denies anything being wrong with her and feels nobody believes her. How do you get help for them if they refuse to get help?

Thanks for the wonderful article. My close friend (14 years) turned 8in Jun. Every year after her birthday, she gets furious w/ me. This time, she is cutting me out of her life. I am 67 and will be moving away in the next year. This is heartbreaking for me. I can't deal with the stress she is causing me and my marriage. I had my border line mother live w/ me for 6 1/2 hellacious years. 18 years of criminal neighbors and have PTSD form all of that. What to do She asked for her keys back and I told her I would always be there for here I emergency. This breaks my heart and she has no family or friends close by anymore so she needs someone. I love her but she is not my family and I need a "break" which infuriated her even though I told her I am anxious all of the time for the past few months after spending time with her .Why Why Why????

My heart goes out to those that are caring for parents or other elderly people that are diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

Thankyou, this was very informative and found this too is happening in my family. Interesting to know the behaviours that come hand in hand with each condition.