@cetude- you speak the truth on all counts! My 2 brothers were no where to be found when Mom was declining. My older brother "disappeared" & the younger brother & his wife caused nothing but TROUBLE. Now that Mom's house is for sale( no help from them emptying the house,of course), older brother calls me every week re: progress on sale of house. I have nothing to say to either one. I can smell their desperation for money. Makes me pity their disgusting character.
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bottom line there is very little support (especially with government cuts) and unless you have family, but don't count on them either. in most cases one person is left doing all the care and everybody else goes their merry la-do-dah ways but you can bet they will be circling like vultures after the person dies wanting a piece of the estate.
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St. John'swort cannot be taken along with antidepressant meds.
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talking to friends sounds good but in reality they are not interested in your caregiving problems unless they have had similar experience.
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The 12th way is to decide whether being a caregiver will have a negative impact on your emotional wellbeing. Some people just should not be or cannot be a caregiver. The safety of the elders and the adult children are equal lateral.
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I cannot for the life of me understand why somebody would want to keep a journal about caregiving when they are responsible for the old person 24/7. Kind of like hating your job and then going home to "journal" about it. I am so angry all of the time that eating is my hobby. Take care of myself? What for? So I can do this for another year. I would rather keel over from a heart attack.
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Twenty-three years ago my father had a stroke and was paralyzed on the left side. For five years I helped take care of him every day, was called in the middle of the night to go help, etc. After he died, I continued to watch out for my mother. I am one of five children but the only one in town so it is mostly on my shoulders. Now my mother, 88, is beginning to be confused, thinks I am lying to her when she doesn't agree, is very negative and sometimes nasty to me. I had her live with me for two years when she had sciatica and couldn't get out of bed by herself or manage the steps to her apartment. That worked okay for awhile until she started taking over my home and didn't want me to do anything. If I wanted to run to the store, or anywhere, I could never go alone - she always "would go with you if you don't mind." Long story short, I think I have hit bottom and am feeling very overwhelmed, crying, sad and negative. I am also worried about what to do if she gets worse. I have told my sisters that I can't take her in again, but then I think how can I not! I have found myself being negative too and I am not like that, so I am really working on getting through this. Reading others comments is really helping me understand that I am not alone and there are ways to stand strong and get through this. Thanks!
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I can truly understand the sinking feeling of care giving. I have been on "DUTY" for over 20 years with both my parents. My mother is a selfish, demanding, bossy old woman. NOTHING can ever please her. My dad has numerous health problems and the list goes on. My mother broke her hip many years ago and when she was finally sent home from the hospital she refused to try to walk. Instead she parked her butt in a wheel chair and gave up. She is now wheel chair bound and can't walk at all. If only she would have tried. But NO !!!!! My dad ended up in the hospital with a much needed surgery and I was expected to take time off of work to care for this woman. It lasted 4 long gruelling months. No pay cheque and I almost lost my job because of it. I wanted her to go to respite but she refused to go under any circumstances. I drank so much wine to try to cope with caring for her. Between running back and forth to the hospital to see my dad and looking after their affairs and of course "Mother". I was ready to head into the oncoming traffic and be killed so I could permanently escape this horror of a life. I wanted her to go to sleep and never wake up so I could be rid of her for ever. Sad.. but that is what happens when you are so over whelmed by other peoples problems. My dad knew that while I was caring for mother he could just lolly gag in the hospital and come up with more ailments to keep him in there for even longer. Meanwhile I am broke, wanting to strangle my mother and resenting my dad for not putting her into long term care when he had the chance. Did I mention she was 92 at the time. This all happened in 2010. The worst year of my life. I even told my mother that I wished that I had of been still born so I would have never have lived to experience her selfish me..me.. all about me... ways. It's over for now until the next bomb drops.
I'm still travelling back and forth to attend to their needs. The two of them should be in a facility and not still in their home. Mother is 94 now and dad 85. Every time the phone rings and I see their number I get a horror feeling that it's about to happen all over again. I wish they would die. I am an only child. I wouldn't wish this on any one.
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It is hard for one to participate in the activities listed above when suffering from depression, from what I understand, people do not want to do anything. Professional help first and then gradually increase your social life to fit with your well being.
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Contact your region's Area Agency on Aging (or similar). If either of you served in the armed services, you should also contact your nearest VA advocate. You can't do this alone!
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I am caring for my husband who is paraplegic. He only has use of his left arm, as his right shoulder joint died. He has severe spasticity, as a colostomy, in-dwelling catheter, and a feeding tube. His family will not help with his care in any way! I have pinched nerves, arthritis, bulging and herniated discs in my neck, and the pain is torture. It travels down my arms into my hands. I have carpal tunnel in both wrists, causing numbness and pain in my hands, a torn rotator cuff, bone spurs and arthritis in my shoulder, tendonosis in the other shoulder, fibromyalgia, and depression. I don't get good sleep as I wake up several times due to severe pain. I am getting to the point where I can't turn my husband or assist in transfers. He has several bed sores and almost died in the nursing home. This is my second attempt to care for him at home. I couldn't see it through the first time because of my health problems plus injuries from caring for him. I am going through the same thing again, but am at a loss as to what to do. I can't just let him die, but at this point, he may outlive me! Somebody please help!!!
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Hoping, I agree with PCVS. Get help. If you mother is too shy to interact with the help, she can sit in the kitchen. Be there the first time or two, for Mom's comfort level, and then stay home.

Draw a clear line in your own mind between "loving daughter helping out" and "wimpy woman being taken advantage of." Then stay on the correct side of the line, please!

(And please figure out how you can spend your nights with your husband.)
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hoping, you need to talk with your mother and let her know that you are not able to give the care your father needs without getting some outside help. Surely she doesn't want you to keel over from being over exhausted, does she. Probably she does not realize how close to a breakdown you are. Call your state's Agency on Aging for more advice.
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I am beginning to come to the end of my rope When I lose my temper I feel bad but this has been going on for years before the total caregiving started. I live close to my parents and have helped them for years and they have helped me too. I have really given up my life to take care of them for the last 3 years since he broke his hip. I get so mad when he won't do any excerise to get stronger so I have to do everything and I am resenting it. My mother is not able to do much since she is 88 I live close amd get very few hours off aday . My husband had rather I stay with them at night than them live with us and I totally understand. It would make it easier all of us in the same house on the cooking and everything but this is the way it has to be and I totally understand. I have to drive back and forth all day to each house and that is all I get done. I really get mad at my dad when I have him to kick his feet to limber up before standing for I have to help him to get up and sometimes I dont think we can do it. I have to change the chair for he is inconant some and put him to bed and get him up. I can't bring in outside help for my mom is shy and I would have to stay there when the help was there so why spend the money. I have a brother who comes in every 6 months or so for a week or 2 and I am so tired when he gets here I can't even go anywhere. I am not too good to do this but too good to be taken advange of and that is where I feel I am ny dad has not been a giving person but I have to give up everything to take care of him. I do resent this one person tag team while others go on and have a life . Just been a hard morning Thanks for letting me vent. good luck out there caregivers have a good day.
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I agree. I does help to know that I am not alone, because my friends, boss, and family members don't quite understand the amount of pressure caregivers are under. I hope that everyone finds peace and strength to carry on. Take care of yourselves and be good to yourselves, also.
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It's really, really hard sometimes, especially when we're overwhelmed, but thank goodness there is some help out there. It's maybe not enough but even the littlest bit of positive support has saved my life and sanity.

Hugs and good luck to everyone still just finding out that other people care.
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I care for my mom for 12 years who had a stoke and now suffering from dementia. My siblings havent helped over the years and have very little contact with mom or me. My husband of 23 years left not the life style he intended for himself. My son moved in for a short time to help but he couldnt deal with the stress. I have become withdrawn and no longer know who I am. I am lost and cant find away to get through the day. I feel so sad for my mom all her other children act as if she passed away 12 years ago. I try to fill in for the pain and hurt she is feelng but I'm only one person. I have never been through such a diffucult time of my life. I dont know how to find myself anymore or even if its worth it.
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Suggestions which can help:
1) Find a support group - call your area agency on aging or equivalent for more info. Sometimes adult day care centers have this info and I know your local VNA or VNS will as well. Or try your local Alzheimers Assoc for info!

2) See if your state has any homecare for elderly or respite care programs. See above resources.

3) Since you are working, consider if you and your father have enough funds to get off hours care and go take a long weekend for yourself somewhere. This has not been an option for me but it is something I would love to do.

4) If your father is a veteran, consider VA hospital if he can't live on his own.

5) Do something, anything (positive); it won't happen on its own and sometimes just talking to the aging agency and Alzheimers Assoc reps is uplifting in and of itself.
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Thanks for all of the helpful information. I am going to try to take care of myself. I am finding these responses so helpful. I am very sad today. I can not stop crying. My dad's illness and unrealistic demands on me to serve him all the time it not good for me. I am tired of being snapped at, cursed at, and feeling relegated to being his door mat.

I am in threat of losing my job due to trying to care for my dad and make sure he is well cared for. Then my dad insults me about my looks, my weight, my health, my job, every aspect of my life. I really can not stand him anymore. I feel so alone. I am alienated from my friends and family. I fear for my sanity right now. I am going to pray and read my word. I don't want to think negatively. I know I have a right to be happy.
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cmagnum hey there, been taking efferxor for a week now so i am taking it at night because it makes me kinda sleepy after a few hours. I probably need to take it during the day when I am over at dads house. So i am hoping that it is just a side effect and maybe once i get use to it I can take it in the morning. But I hope it will start working this week or the next. That would be wonderful! Because my crazy family is about to drive me crazy!!! thanks for your post and i will keep in touch with how it is working.
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stormy, which anti-depressant are you taking? Some have less possible side effects than others like wellbutrin. It takes about 2 weeks or so before the medicine begins to work.
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I think the article is right. I feel that us caregivers are more likely to experience depression at some point and those feeling are very hard. I had children and a husband so I had no choice but to get through those blues. We all feel underappreciated, we neglect ourselves, and many of us get caught in the circle of caregiving and we literly see no end.

I say drugs and drinking is not a good idea, because face it we need to stay on our toes.
But even I got caught up on taking benadryl to help me sleep.

We need to vent and know that we are all loved, even though some times our loved ones don't exactly express it.

I love this site, Its my way to help me through
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Hey Jasonsmom I hope they will help to make me happy again. Just trying to get use to them and the side effects. But they aren't that bad like I thought they would be. Thank the Lord! Yes, I'm trying to have a good attitude. Its just hard to sometimes. Maybe when they start to work I can call them my happy pills... Thanks for the response!
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my daughter calls those her happy pills. Glad to see you have a sense of humor about all of this. keep up the good attitude.
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Thanks Jeannegibbs I'm glad I got on something too. I just want to feel better and happy again... I hope that my sister is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And realizing that we need help. It's sad to say this but I hate that it came down to me having these feelings to make her understand that it was too much to deal with. I talked to her about 2 or 3 months ago and told her I was so depressed and nothing happened. Until I told her I was scared to be with him because of my anger towards him. I think she is looking into hiring someone I hope so for all of our sakes. I just wish things could go back to how they used to be before he got sick. But I will keep taking the pills. Today I told my husband well it's time to take my Crazy Pills lol. Just kidding... Thanks for the talks again friend!
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I'm so proud of you for getting help, in spite of how you feel about drugs,etc. If some function in your body isn't working properly, we can be grateful that scientists have devised way to help it function. I am diabetic. My body's process of producing and distributing insulin doesn't work properly. I hate taking pills and giving myself a shot. But I am extremely glad that they are available to help my body work. The same principle applies to the brain. Depression is a malfunction and I am glad that there ways to start the brain functioning more normally again. And then it will very much help to talk to a caring professional Please do it when you are ready -- and don't wait too long.

Your sister shouldn't be taking care of your father on her own, either. A professional should be hired. But right now you have enough to do to take care of yourself. You can't be responsible for her decisions, too. When you are feeling stronger maybe you can help her realize that hiring the appropriate help is not failure. But for now the person you have to convince of that is yourself.

Keep taking your pills. Make notes of anything that might be side effects. Stay in touch with your doctor. And follow through with the talk therapy. You deserve it!
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Hey Jeannegibbs, thanks for your comments. The dr. I saw did say that she thought I needed to talk to someone. There's a place she said that I could go to 3 or 4 times a month to just go and vent. I guess I do need that. But boy did I feel like I was crazy after she said that. I started crying after that. I know that we( my sister and I) shouldn't feel like we have failed dad. But now I'm dealing with these guilty feelings that I've put this burden on my sister. No I don't feel like any of ya'll have failed the ones that you care for. I guess just it's just me. I know I shouldn't feel that way. And I will try to work on that. My sister had to tell my dad yesterday that I was dealing with this depression. When she told me this I started crying. I don't really know why. I guess I just don't feel very strong right now like I'm weak for not just pushing through and dealing with everything. I woke up this morning still feeling down and having some nausea from taking the efferxor that the dr. gave me. I just hope it helps and that I don't start having a bunch of crazy side effects. It makes me kind of anxious too. I just hate that I had to get on meds. Never really wanted to have to get on anything like this. But I guess if I want to get better I got to take it. Thanks again for your response and comments they do help. I will keep in touch!!! Hugs back to you!!!!!!
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Good lord, Stormy, stop even questioning whether you are a bad person. You are not!! Did the doctor also suggest talk therapy? Once the drug kicks in and you are feeling more in control, it can be very valuable to have an objective, sympathetic third party to talk to. Please consider it. (You'd continue with drug -- that helps, too.) And keep in mind that if effexor gives you side effects or doesn't work, there are other drugs that the doctor can try. Sometimes it takes a little experimentation.

Now I'm going to get a little harsh. Sorry, but it is for your own good. (Have you heard that one before?) You are not only depressed and anxious, but your and your sister are just plain wrong. Sorry. Getting professional help for your father DOES NOT MEAN YOU'VE FAILED. It means you are being sensible and providing your father with the best care you can. If he needed his appendix out, would you feel that you had to do it personally or would you be OK with carting him around to doctors and making arrangements?

I have a cousin whose wife needed a shot twice a day. He tried to learn how to give it. He tried to do it on schedule. It stressed him out so much he couldn't function. He was a land surveyor with absolutely no interest in a medical career and he was terrified of doing it wrong or hurting his dear wife. Dealing with her incontenence he could handle. Poking her with a needle was beyond him. So he arranged for a nurse to come in and do the shots twice a day. He relaxed and continued with the other aspects of his wife's care. Tell me, do you think he failed her? I think he is a hero.

My mother would like her daughters to cut her toenails. They are thick and curved and hard. Sorry, Ma, we don't have the equipment or the skill to do that, nor do we want to learn. We'll take you to a podiatrist or have a nurse come in and do it. Stormy, do you think we are failures? We don't!

Where on earth did you get the notion that the only way to provide loving care to somebody is to do all the details personally? I'm sorry to say it again, but you are just plain wrong.

And one more time (say it along with me) You are not a bad person!

Hugs. Come back and tell us how you are doing. Now, go get busy finding out how to arrange for a person who has chosen this as an occupation and has trained for it to come in and do Dad's trach care.
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Hey Jeannegibbs thanks for your response. It's me and my sister taking care of my father. We have a brother but he doesn't help us much so it's all on me and my sister. I have talked to her about us getting help for him. But I think she feels like she if we get outside help for him that she or we have failed to make him better. Two days ago I was so depressed I was getting really scared to be around him because of my anger and resentment and depression. If you know what I mean and about 3 or 4 months ago I was so depressed I was feeling like I might try to kill myself. I just wanted a way out of this situation. Never really had a good relationship with my father. He is like a stranger to me. But I broke down 2 days ago to my sister and told her my fears and said I was scared to stay with him because of my anger and rage. Everything building up inside. I cried and sob to her because I felt like I was leaving her to deal with it all. I still do. Just feeling guilty I couldn't hold it together anymore. Finally me and her decided I needed to talk to someone and maybe get on some anti anxiety meds. So I got in to see a dr. today and cried to the nurse and the dr. she decided I needed to be on some meds so she put me on effexor. I hope I don't have any side effects.But I need something so I will stop having these crazy thoughts!!!! And hopefully my sister will see now that we need help... I hope so before she falls apart next!!! Thanks for listening and for your feedback it helps more than you know to be able to vent and I just hope people don't think I'm a bad person for having these feelings!!!!
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Stormy, first, my heart goes out to you, doing that hateful job for 18 months! You are certainly not a bad person.

I don't understand why you think your father has to have dementia before he could go into a long term care facility, or before you could be in-home help. It sounds to me like you desperately need that to happen. Why are you waiting for him to tell you to get some help? You say "we" -- is your mother also a caregiver, or your husband, or ?? In this situation it seems to me that the caregivers are really in control. If you refuse to provide the trach care he has no choice but to bring in help to do it. Not that I'd like to see it come down to a contest of wills or an ugly confrontation. But I'm having trouble understanding why you are doing this, when there are alternatives?
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