Not being condescending really stands out to me. That is so important. I just came across an article on Elderspeak and it really opened my eyes to things that we all often say to older adults in well-intentioned ways that can actually be hurtful. https://charterhomehealth.net/caregiver-wellness/avoiding-elderspeak-when-talking-to-older-adults/

This article helped, or confirm some issues my Mom and I are going through with my Dad. He has tantrums and becomes upset and bangs his fist on the table etc. like a child. It scares my mother and it stresses me because he gets abusive towards my mother and me at times. I live and pay rent in the basement apartment of their house. Also try to help out when the ever increasing things that they would have done themselves are more of a challenge for them to do. After the first outburst we try to remain calm, get him to calm down etc.. Then he'll have another outburst and I find it very hard not to start yelling back at him. For example, he wants to play 'Scarbble' because he knows it will help him with his memory, but he makes up his own words, then gets frustrated when you try to (gently) suggest it's not a word, or he takes a long time to make a word. Again, we wait, and try to help (which doesn't because he wants to do it himself) or don't help, then he gets frustrated because he feels he's holding up the game. One example. Alzheimer's affected 2 of his brothers who lived into their 80's like him. We (my Mom and I) know it's likely the beginnings of this, but talking about it is difficult and we're afraid to just all out admit that he's taking after his brothers and this is where he's headed. What next? and what to do?

I agree with Isabelcares but I'd like to give you some thoughts about your son. My son has grown up in the same house as his grandmother. As she aged and faced both physical and mental changes we would have age appropriate conversations with him to help him understand what was happening with her. For example when my son was about 4 his Grandma went through chemotherapy. We explained to him that she was sick and that the medicine she had to take to get her all better would make her lose her hair. It turned out to be pretty funny and so uplifting for my Mom. He would ask her everyday "are you bald yet Gram?" It kind of took the stigma out of the whole thing and made her laugh. Anyway, something wonderful happened because of my son growing up with his Grandma. He has grown into one of the kindest, most compassionate young man I have ever known. So I just wanted to share this with you and let you know that this whole situation with your Mom might turn out to be the perfect opportunity for your son to learn some invaluable life lessons just in case you are worried about his well-being with everything that's going on in your home. This is just my experience and I hope it helps with your situation. Good luck during this challenging time.

I enjoyed the article but everyone's caregiving day is different. Here's praying that everyone who is reading this can have peace.

To oldlady2010...let it go. Let all of those resentments go. Agree with her about the importance of things. Just let it go. Even thinking about all the stuff shows...and you can't win. Be at peace with her. She's right, correct whatever. You are not wrong, however. There is no "winning" in this.

You stress "REALLY listen. So important, but often easier said than done. It differs from simply hearing. Really listening is a skill. We usually hear and respond in ways that seem appropriate and there’s nothing wrong with that. But really listening can put us in the other person’s head and allow us to show understanding with a simple phrase (e.g. “it must be so hard,” “it sounds very frustrating”)–few words; no advice.
Especially with aging parents we often make more headway when we respond to feelings, not the words themselves. My counseling training taught me how important this is. It also shows respect. Once again, last week, it worked with my 101-year-old mother-in-law.

Great list, good ideas. I need to remember "Don't Give Advice Unless It's Asked For" as I have a habit of doing that. I will try to rephrase the advice to make it sound like it was my parents idea :)

you have to talk about whats on their mind as they cant hold a thought for long .
sometimes i sit outside NH with my aunt and we dont even need words . she comments on the pretty flowers , rabbits and squirrels and i puff on my tobacco pipe . my aunt lost her hearing aid and is nearly deaf . if im going to freshen up her tea glass i wield the glass in my hand and emphasize FRESH ICE .. key words , body language ..
our first visit to doc resulted in nurses giving me some orders for tests . i bent down and explained to edna that doc wanted to ct her lungs again after the pneumonia . it keeps her not only in the loop but very content and in control .
do not take control from the elder . you will have a battle on your hands tha you cant win . they are 90 years street smart , treat them as your intellectual superior because they are ..

This was a very helpful article. I realized that I was already communicating in some of the ways mentioned in the article and this brightened my day a bit.

OM sweet OM!

Hi NYdaugherinlaw: My Mom also makes bogus decisions but I realize that I can't change her, influence her, have a discussion, or anything that really resembles a true relationship. So rather than worry about her, try to bend her will to my ideas, I just go along and detach. If just making her own decisions is what makes her happy, than fine. I kind of don't care anymore. I'd rather see her in her phoney happy state than have her waste my time yelling at me. Why not let the parents be? Why do we have to SAVE them? You can't save them if they don't want to cooperate. Until they are deemed unable to care for themselves, then the doctors and so on get involved. Until then, I just try to smile and let go of all the crap. I give what I can, knowing it will often be rejected. I think a measure of respect is what they need: we can't get any from them anymore: forget that! Give what you can and let go of the rest. Enjoy your life and let theirs go the way they wish. It all will pass anyways.

I ask myself: what can I do for my mother that she will enjoy and I will enjoy? Usually there is some kind of put down, argument, or she finds something to complain about, but I just laugh inside now instead of letting it get to me.

But hey, you have to do what works for you.

Communicating with people whose minds are no longer as sharp as they once were is a huge challenge for even the most patient person. When my husband and I started noticing concerning behaviors in his parents, we didn't say anything because our opinions were not being solicited. So we just watched while his parents made bad choices. Not surprisingly their poor choices had serious consequences including landing in the ER. These bad consequences just made them both more depressed and anxious. So they continued to pretend that life could go on just as it always had. And they made us so miserable that we started to spend less time with them. I don't believe anything good comes from humoring our elders and not being honest with them. I should mention that neither of my in-laws is demented or anything like that.

This advice is for functioning and normal people. I find that it is impossible to have a real conversation with my 90 year old mother. She talks non-stop, demands 100% attention while I am driving and she is passenger and has dramatic reactions if I adjust the mirror, or have to dodge someone, taking every move or utterance I make against her. I went over a bump in the road and she glares at me as if to say,
Are you trying to kill me?"
If I listen I cannot respond in any way without her shouting me down, putting me down. She barely gives me a space to say, "un-huh, oh really, now nice, etc." She is never interested in anything I say and is very disrespectful. I hate being with her, to tell the truth, and it is so sad because I used to love her company.

I have tried to do all of the things on this list for the past 8 + years and I just need to disengage from my mother in law. When I saw that, what I mean is that I can no longer try to have "helpful discussions" around next steps in her care because she cannot and will not make a decision. She will likely have another fall, because she has lost strength from not eating and doing anything to preserve the little strength she has by laying in bed all day ... we've talked about depression more times than I can remember. Nothing ever changes. I've tried to share my concerns with her doc who just called her and told her to tell me that if I wanted to know anything about her (Mrs) then I should ask Mrs about it. She was drinking heavily at the time and self medicating with alcohol.

My 93 yr old mother is deaf and despite wearing hearing aids does not hear well. She loves to chat though and makes every attempt to be sociable. So I have bought a very pretty notebook and entitled it 'Conversations with Mom.' Each time I visit I enter the date and write my news in there and she responds verbally with questions or comments. She can also read it between my visits, which helps her remember what has been been happening in the family. On my next visit she will ask questions pertaining to the previous remarks, such as "Is Alan back from his holiday yet?". All round it has made her feel much more involved with the happenings in the wider family and she is noticeably perking up instead of feeling on the outside looking in.

I have always been a good listener and always repsect the decisions my mother makes for herself. My problem is she wants all the control, but not the responsibilities. Not easy when she insists on living independently, but would prefer others to take care of her. She can be stubborn and obstinate and is not interested in some of my advice. She is the one with the communication issues and it makes it difficult for me to understand where she is coming from when she does all the talking and not of the listening.

great advice about communication. i sometimes review my mothers options with her but leave every decision up to her. she is in control of her life and her home and she would absolutely trust me with her life.. instead of opening an ice cream container for her just now i showed her the little trick point so she can open it herself.. a small matter but it reinforces my concept..

Type your comments and experiences here.nice

How do you deal with an angry parent? I have not seen her like this before so I'm not sure how to handle this situation.

Sharian, would you share with us how old you are and how old your parents are? Is this something you can talk to your Mom or Dad about, maybe Mom is unhappy and taking it out on you and not realizing how she is coming across?? When you say "very mean" do you mean seriously abusive, as in needing to contact Adult Protective Services for help, versus just not being nice or pleasant?

I am disabled. After I moved in with my Mom and Dad My mom became and still is very mean to me! I do not know what to do.

This article offered good advice and I beleive that I try me best sometimes to help my mnl keep what little independence she has and I try to talk to her like a human being and not like a child is very important to her and respectful. I do listen to what she has to say however, she don't even give me time to finish my sentence when I am explaining something and that is where we get into it. For instance, I asked her to not put toliet paper in the kitchen and bathroom sink for that will cost us a lot of money for a plumber. Before I could complete my sentence she would say like, I won't ever do that again and of course it happens. So, I just made signs and now she can read them. So far so good. I believe in listen to my elders and giving respect. However, living with a family member with AD can be challenging and sometimes the communication just dosen't work out. I think you have to come up with alternative solutions like non-verbal communication like the signs on my kitchen and bathroom sink. No more fuss and no $ plumber so far.

GloMaster,

it is VERY hard to deal with, first because its the last thing you want to see or believe, that Mom is slowly losing her judgement. What makes it harder is that a lot of people think in terms of Alzheimer dementia rather than vascular dementia, and believe that if the person knows who they are and recognizes loved ones they are "still sharp as a tack." I've even seen stories on here where the PCP/family doc does not recognize it. If that happens to you when you go in - and don't be suprised if Mom is having one of her best days and puts on an impressive show of it - consider getting a more specialized geriatric eval. It is very important to thoroughly review meds and treatable causes of cognitive impairment at these visits. If nothing much can be done, at least getting sibings on the same page of knowing that Mom is still Mom but does not have the good judgement or logical thinking skills (e.g. why would the kids want to steal my knick-knacks, hey maybe I just forgot where I put that one I think I'm missing adn they'd help me find it....) she used to, it will be more bearable for all and you will still have a chance to make lots of good memories together. This is hard and scary for Mom too and you can shift into support and reassurance mode instead of defending and correcting mode, and she may be able to re-learn gradually that she can trust you. With the gambling thing, the limit on money is a good idea, and sometime before its all gone, its time to distract her with a trip to the ice cream parlor for a break and then head on home, "we can come back later."

Well, God bless all of you, and see if you can't get your siblings to get on here too and get some real perspective. Your family is certainly already a blessing, more supportive and caring for on another than many or even most, by a long shot!

Hello EVERYONE!
I am the youngest of five and I have always been my parents caregiver. From Dr. appt to medicatons, to even mediator between them. I have this AWESOME husband that welcomed into our home once they werent safe to live alone....Everything sounds great..right...?? well they have been with us for about 10 years, No major problems until my brother passed about two years ago.( only son) My mother is the main issue. I notice gradually she's mentally not my mom at times. She lies, has been stealing( little things from her daughters). she hoarding( but not extreme) she just doesnt like us going through her stuff and cleaning up...she likes to do it- her thought is we are going to take her clothes and her nick nacks, any how she's gone to the point of calling one of my sisters and told her i had NO food in the home and she was super hungry, and asked her to deposit money into her account...OF this was not true. My sisters are all in denial of this and they say she's just lonely, BUT my sister visit her about once a week and take her on little mini vacation for the weekend and im there everyday with my 4 kids. On top of all this she has join the gambling scence(obessed) begs for someone to give her a ride but everyones scared cause once she's out of money, she'll tell you go to the atm take out money from your account or searches your purse... Help! any advice. I have made an appt for ther PMD, but help me how to deal with this?? any suggestions, i feel the heaviness

@ Reagor, soundds like mom has lost interest in everything? She might be more depressed than before and down right irritiable, yep, could be medications, or requiring medication for a little pick-me -up - but definitely down correct her or challange her in anyway - it's just not worth it - I use to say, wow, I forgot is there something else you'd prefer, like ....(and mention something you know they like). Than, thank them for the great imput and helping you out. That usually helps their self-esteem - that's the trigger. Good Luck

Can we borrow from the 12 step folks and 'take what you like and leave the rest?' I found the Tannen book helpful. I don't at all assume everyone would. oldlady2010, I wish you all the best and hope you feel our support in spite of our disagreements!

I think it is good to look up a person's qualifications for writing a book on any topic. A Linguist is not a psychologist. The people who write the books about Borderline Mothers and Narcissistic Mothers normally are psychologists or psychiatrists who have studied what makes people with these personality disorders tick; their verbal and psychological abuse of their children; the impact they have on their children which last into their adult years; the boundaries needed to be in relationship with such persons; the psychological work it takes to get out of the bondage of their emotional blackmail via Fear, Obligation and Guilt; and how to treat those personality disorders.

From the stories I've read on this site for over 2 years and interacting with the human condition of people in society at both their best and at their worst, I will have to say there are more genuinely mean moms out there than we might want to think. A majority of them have a personality disorder. Just look at the abundance of books about toxic moms, the borderline mother, emotional incest, and physical abuse done by moms.

My dad made the mistake of trying to mold my mother into his vision of a perfect wife which was a mistake. My mother tried to mold me into her vision of a perfect son that was anything but the typical All American boy dad wanted which was a mistake. Of course verbally, psychologically and physically abusive parents don't see anything wrong with what they are doing and not because they are evil, but because they have a personality disorder and were often treated the same way themselves as a child. If they saw what they were doing was wrong, they would not do it and they can't see it because of their social/psychological disease which can be treated but very few ever seek out or stick with it. While I'm not a professional therapist or a psychiatrist, I do have some training about these things, but more so the experience of being in relationship with such sick women, i.e., mom, step-mom and mother in law and the journey of dealing with their emotional blackmail as well as I've seen what my mother in law did to my wife and to her sister both of whom have found help in getting out of their own darkness.

wellll, no,,,its actually seems to be quite a good book. It's not IN FAVOR of saying things like that to daughters, its just helpfully EXPLAINING where it may all come from, and differentiating it from the few genuinely sadistic and evil moms out there.

oldlady2010, you are not not a complaining selfish daughter which itself sounds like you are absorbing guilt, fear, and shame from your mother's verbal and psychological abuse and that itself seems to be something you have not totally owned. Healthy people don't like abusive people and what they say about abusive people is usually true because they have experienced that abuse or similar first hand themselves. Please you this. You did not make your mother the way she is. You can't control how she is. You can't fix how she is and the bad reputation she, not you, has created for herself. The only thing you really can do is to chose a healthier path for yourself so that with you the chain of abuse from grandmother to mother is broken and ends with you. That will take more work and more therapy as well.

I hope others will give the book a chance and not be put off by my very partial description. There is interesting stuff in there about differences among generations and there is some research behind her theories. The author, Deborah Tannen, has also written quite helpfully, IMHO, about differences between men and women.