My 82 year old mother is in AL, soon to be MC and wants to move in with me, my husband and 16 year old son. She has been asking several times a week for the past 3 weeks. The guilt is real.

When a person with dementia requests to go home, they are usually referring to the feeling of being at home rather than the physical location. 'Home' could conjure up images of a time or place where people felt safe and protected, as well as calm and content. It could also be an illusory location that does not exist.

Yes this is a daily request from my mother unfortunately she wants to go home to her family mother father sister brother. She is 92 this year. She is asking to go home to Her child hood home in the 1930’s. I believe this is the only time she was really happy in her life. I don’t understand because she introduces me as her sister but yet she want to go home to her. She uses my real name not her sisters but I am to her her sister. She really never got along with her either. And her sister would be 95 if she is still with us, I really don’t know because my mother cut off communication with her
30 years ago.

I find when I am asked by my wife can she go home, I always tell her yes I can get you home in a few days maybe a week. Right now you are here in the Hospital, and the are monitoring your progress of the Alzheimer’s and it’s seemingly getting there to a stage where you can go back home. So whatever you have been doing is great. This seems to calm her down once that is done change the subject.my wife is in a nursing home but myself and my kids and friend when talking to my wife refer it as hospital,

My dad is in a nursing home mainly because of my mum who has late stages Alz and needs 24/7 nursing care. She has settled well into the home. Dad keeps “wanting to go home.” He becomes very distressed when I visit. He is 88 and has practically no eyesight because of macular degeneration, he also has vascular dementia so finds it difficult to string sentences together or complete sentences. He is suspicious of members of nursing and caring staff and says that all he can do is stand and stare into space. He can really get annoyed. I don’t know what to do to help. I visit several times a week and take them both out on trips for a break, I do his washing because he doesn’t trust the staff to do it properly etc. It’s as if he seems to rely on me for his happiness but I always feel as if I can never make things right for him. Although he cannot see, he dresses himself, shaved and showers every day independently and walks without a stick preferring to become familiar with a place before walking confidently on his own. Does anyone think I should move him back to his sheltered accommodation so that he has his independence back? The way he is feeling right now is killing me.

Once parent in care home then decide you would like to bring them home and be there carer, can it be done?

what if one sister decides to put her in a nursing home but other kids are willing to care for mom in their home. the sister with guardianship decides to be spiteful in keeping her there and mother does not want to spend her last days in a nursing home.

CMagnum, thank you for sharing another view about caring for aging parents. I hope your situation has gotten easier. It's exhausting to care for someone -even in an assisted living environment who believes their children should be with them 24/7. Counting this all off to dementia is inaccurate in some cases and grossly unfair to caregivers. Here's another side: The demands of narcissistic personalities don't lessen with age. My MIL is a master of deception- even with medical personnel. As she has aged, the only difference Is fewer "filters" which have allowed her to become even more demanding, employs more guilt "motivation" than ever before. Even if she doesn't get their way every time - past experience of her children giving in keep her motivated to keep hammering away. She also takes a perverse pleasure in knowing she makes her children feel guilty. Like demanding numerous trips to the ED only to tell docs she doesn't know why we brought her.
The real difficulty is the relationship with her children and that she controls an adult child emotionally. I'm living this situation right now with my mother-in-law, and the family has suffered the consequences of an unstable parent, an octogenarian who still manipulates her adult children into the worst possible choices on a daily basis. We miss days at work--not hours. Our health suffers and usually takes a backseat. The best parts of our marriage are gone because I'm tired of being the other woman. My husband has come to realize who his mother really is--just in the last couple of years but still allows her to call most of the shots. We give up our social lives. We give up precious time with other family members including grandchildren. As the member of the family who bears the brunt of these decisions, and usually has to carry out the wishes of the "decision-makers" I too, am tired of the guilt-tripping that is employed by prifessionals who know nothing about undiagnosed mental disorders in the elderly and/or have not yet found themselves in this situation.
After 40 years of living with a narcissistic personality, I'm tired--physically and emotionally--of this daily battle to have a life separate from these demands that fill not only weekends but some portion of every day. This didn't start recently- it began the day I met her. Some of my mother-in-law's recent comments to me:
1. "I know I'm difficult to take care of but I think you should just suck it up."
2. "You need to pretend that I'm your mother and take care of me the way you would your own mother."
Ironically, I've done and continue to do far more for my mother-in-law (more than her own children do) than I was ever able to do for my own mom, because my mother-in-law's demands - even though she was 12 years younger, were always more critical than whatever my parents needed--even when she was fully independent.
Right now she is in rehab and will move to skilled nursing. She guilt trips my husband every day about why she can't come back to our home or her assisted living apartment. She's not asking to go back to her "childhood home" she's demanding that we take her back in and I quit my job to care for her medical needs, physical and emotional needs 24/7. I live in fear everyday that my husband will acquiesce to this. If he does, our marriage is over.
My MIL's phone calls became so intrusive I recently took her cell phone away and hid it. This was not met with approval from anyone but when given the opportunity--no one wanted to give her the phone back. :) They just needed someone to be the bad guy. Now that she is in a rehab environment she has a phone in her room and calls her son several times a day and begs him for attention. I have to watch her destroy him every day-watch his work and health suffer--because he allows it.
As for the comparison to them caring for us as children--my MIL spent the last 40 years undermining my marriage and disrupting our lives in every way imaginable. If you really want to help caregivers--start talking about mental illness and personality disorders and stop blaming everything on dementia.

In present days many doorstep elder care services are available for our parents unlike nursing homes. Many seniors want to stay at their own home. Full fill their dream by providing in-home care services.

All expressions from someone with dementia are based on emotional or physical needs. Often someone repeating " I want to go home" can be resolved by addressing the feeling behind it, such as "Tell me about your home" or ask a question such as "Were you raised on a farm?" Having the person experience the feeling of home through simple conversation can be very useful, it is also the kind thing to do.

I did what I said I would. I kept my mother at home. She had medicaid which actually made things easier in some ways. I was able to send her to a medical model adult day care. Until she became too weak, and then we got at home hospice and enough hours of CNA care that I could have a part time adjunct teaching gig. She died at home. In peace (for her, not me. I cried non-stop for three days). I am so glad I could do this.

But there is an important difference between my mother and many others. She was the sweetest, most loving person ever. Her anger was expressed as merely a look. And possibly refusing to give a kiss. She never screamed or hit, never said anything mean.

My mom is 85 with severe dementia. We kept her at her home for years with her granddaughter who is now 30 helping her out. My daughter lived with her for over 8 years. They were best roommates.
My mom has fallen 3 times in 8 months with a broken wrist and a small fracture on her tail bone. The option of staying home came to a end. She was getting very mean, would refuse to eat and forget to take her vitamins a few pills. Changing cloths, bathing and having blankets on at night were hard to deal with. Forget cleaning the house that was a bad subject.

Her doctor said 24/7 care is what she needs. He said you've done your best for years, now its not safe for her at home. We did find a wonderful group home of 10 residence and we always see family members; husbands, wives, grand kids and children visit their loved ones.
My mom can walk and is more alert than most but she is safe, and well taken care of. She talks to me and says how she just stares as the front door waiting for me and wants to go home. I know we are unable to give her the care she needs and this place is the best we have found. It looks like all the family members really a care about the people who are there.
It has been a big adjustment and I do miss my mom not being at her home but I know we are caring for her in the best way possible.
It sucks watching your loved one change like this but we have learned to agree with everything she says and change subjects to avoid conflict. We love listening to the same stories and looking at pictures knowing that one day she will join her family members in heaven. That day is not soon enough but we know she will be there in the not distance future.
It was one of the hardest decisions to make to put her into that home. I guess life sometime has decisions we have to make that are not ones we want to do but need to do.

Mom lived with my brother and his wife till she got mad at them over something minor, moved in with my sister (without asking her), then got mad at her over something made up and called the police to take her to a nursing home. They did. My sister and husband moved out of state. Her nursing home is very nice she's lived there several years she's 92 and now wants to leave. "I've got to get out of this place." She calls me every night about it. I can't help I'm disabled with MS and epilepsy, my MD says "NO" I am not to have mom at home with us, she can visit, but she cannot live with us. We tried it once and she wound up in the hospital within 48 hours. She won't listen to reason about anything. Refuses her pills, refuses to stay put till someone can help her (broke a hip that time). She is where she belongs! She has bad high blood pressure, terrible balance, repaired broken hips, uses a walker (when she will!) They take good care of her there. She hates the staff, is nasty to them, hates where she eats (nice eating hall, with linens, service), beautiful large living room, with a fountain and flowers. Her own apartment with bed, private bath, big closet. They have planned outings. She has mild dementia age related. What to do. I've stuck to my guns that she is NOT going to live with us. I cannot do it. My brother has MS and cannot remember a thing some days. She cannot live with them now, even if she did once. She still is going to ask them. Hopefully they will stick to their guns and say NO. Oh, and she hates her doctor, and wants to change to MY regular doctor. I gave her the phone number and told her to call him, but I am not.....since she DID go to that very good MD years ago, and then dumped him when she decided she didn't like him anymore (he demanded she take her pills and follow his plans for her).

Wife was scared and terrified she had some clothes in her arms and was going somewhere .there happened to be live music in activity room so took her there and immediatley calmed down .even the music channels on tv helps.its not easy

You keep talking about parents. It is an order of magnitude greater when it is your mate of 50 or more years. You heart brakes every time you hear "I don't like this place. I want to go home". How long does it take to become inured to this?

Facilities vary widely--I've visited a number of them over the last five years with a church group, and some of them have happy well-cared for residents, some of whom have been there for several years. Some of them have residents who do not appear to be well-cared for. And every person needing care is different, as well. Not an easy decision, but don't assume they're all bad or all good. If you can, find an opportunity to volunteer in one that you're considering, and keep your eyes and ears open.

I can not imagine how this will feel when I see this from that side of the chair. You nailed it. As our lifetime alcoholic reached his early 60's most of his past accounts seemed to focus from his early teens and end in his twenties. His only reference to home was narrowed down to a small span of time.

hurdman1,

I'm not getting what you are trying to say in your post since your profile says you father is " living at nursing home and the primary ailment is alzheimer's / dementia." Where is your mother?

No, honoring your parents does not mean you have to quit your life and care for them directly yourselves. What did they do for their parents? Mine didn't.

the home still does exist is problem but mom cant deal w dad wondering off and such she forgets she was living in fear of him harming himself guns are gone but knifes and pills are there begging me to get them back in same home but impossible and keep them safe. Just makes me really regret fitting his heart work done.. that's when he had energy to wander would drs really put a person in a home that dosent need to be there ? meds he is on help him lots but know if home would not take them do I have to quit my life and care for them? is that required to honor your parents?

My mother is in assisted living. She, too, wants to go home. When I ask her where home is, she cannot describe it or name it. 'Not here' seems to be the theme. However, when I observe her in the ALF when she does not know I'm there, she is socializing with others and participating in outings and craft activities. She is smiling and enjoying herself. It's very much a moment-to-moment thing. I think seeing a family member brings on the 'get me out of here' chain of thought and the rest of the time she is reasonably happy. I only pray I will have a child watching after me and that I'm able to walk and talk at 91 years old.

I realize this was written what seems like eons ago, but I feel better now that I've read it and it's exactly what I've been doing - redirecting my mother's attention by reminding her how much she likes Bingo and the live music that is provided twice a week. I remind her about how she can now attend church services on Sundays, watch tv, and walk outside (she does have a monitor on and we go outside when I'm there or when someone else is with her).

Someone commented that 'they are all the same'...and that they had worked at a top of the line facility. I have to differ in that my mother is a wanderer and they've put a monitor on her and there is always someone watching out for them. This is a skilled nursing facility, aka nursing home.

While I agree it's not ideal, it's certainly better than what was happening before she fell and ended up in rehab, thus ended up staying there. All day she would just sit and watch tv no matter how many times I tried to get her to do something else. At first, she would do other things, but then it was just sit and watch tv.

I've also talked to a very reputable doctor whose mother is in a nursing home and he told me at the stage of dementia/alzheimers, they don't really know where they are and the people who suffer are the families caring for them.

I tried, God only knows I tried. It just wasn't to be.

She's happier, I'm rested and visit her to listen to the music and play Bingo with her.

This business about our parents caring for us when we were little so we have to care for them when they are older is a bunch of old fashioned thinking. And I'm insulted by comments by the likes of Lost1234 who wants to write shame on you. Well, lost, shame on you for judging me or others. Nursing homes are getting better each and every day. They're not perfect, but they are better.

Since Medicare does not pay for Nursing Home care, I often wonder how many of us will suffer from home care provided by an unwilling spouse, an overtired adult child, an inept caregiver, unskilled medical personnel or worse, cruel staff of a facility..
We should think about our futures and what we want for ourselves. Write it down and tell somebody. Plan a little. The day will come.....
In some countries, ( Sweden, for example) nursing homes are free. There is a small charge for specialty foods and believe it or not, towels! France may also have a similar program. I don't know.
The old adage, "put me in an upstairs room and send up a tray three times a day"
may not be possible. Nor "put me in a pine box" when I go. So always remember to be kind to those in our care, for someday there go I.

It is so incredibly sad that we do not have more choices for end of life care. I for one, if I am suffering from an incurable disease, would like nothing more than a quick death at home. If this means assisted suicide then so be it. I have worked in nursing homes and they are horrible, AWFUL places. These nursing home administrators, all collecting high six figures while their CNA's and aides make 9/hr and nurses make an awful salary.There is no worse place to be. It is disgusting. Patients come in on zero medication and are drugged to high heaven so that they "behave" which really means- they are drugging your relative so they will sleep 20 hours a day and don't have to deal with them. I have yet to see a nursing home that justifies charging even one fourth of the typical bill. Americans will revolt against nursing homes in the near future. An awful way to spend all of your money that you've worked hard for your entire life- money that could go to a favorite charity, your kids, a great cause, whatever- but giving 500,000 to a nursing home in exchange for drugging you up and changing you a few times a day is the biggest waste of money in the world, especially if you can't remember your own name. At that point others in your life are keeping you around for whatever selfish reasons they have.

I am tired of reading the comparisson and intended guilt trip about caring for aging parents is like their caring for us as children. It is not a parallel comparison. In raising children, you still have a life and very often a full time or part time job outside of the home. Your life has variety and more so as the child grows and matures. In caring 24/7 for an aging parent, you don't have a life, a job, and your life lacks variety and the only thing ahead of you is your parent's death. Stopping and caring does not mean not going out with friends and dinners or going on vacations. Moms and dads did that while raising children. Stopping and caring for aging parents means making sure their parent(s) are safe; and provided for. The Bible speaks of honoring one's parents and taking care of elderly parents, but it does not say it has to be 24/7 in your home or theirs nor does it say that you must destroy your own finances, health, marriage, relationship with your own children or social life.

As a foreigner living in the northern part of europe i get worried reading things like this. I am in a similar situation and taking care of my elderly parents of 85+ (with first stages of dementia).
The nursing homes here is not all that different from yours except we do not have to pay for anything. The downside of this is that they are all the same, and you can not choose a better one if you wish to.

The solution i have come up with is i have bought my parents home (where i was raised) and i am turning it in to a generation house and adding rooms to it.
Money is the key, so i am saving all what i can so i can afford to work and have a person at home in the daytime.
My goal is that when my time comes i will have enough founds to take care of myself and hopefully my kid will feel the same way i do. (But he will of course make up his own mind , i just have to give enough love to hopefully make him care enough).

But i think the main thing is that we all respect everyone across the generations and i think for many elderly a nursing home is just a fancy word for prison.
Sure they are safer from accidents and mishaps, but are they free and loved?

Dear lost1234, I applaud your remarks.
Do you take care of your parent by yourself?
Did you ever try a facility for your parent or were you an employee only--just curious.

I have worked in an expensive top of the line facility. I saw all the neglect. at night in the day and call bells never being answered. you may as well leave them home alone. I saw residents walking out the front door, and nobody cared when the alarm went off to see who left. next day they r dead in a car they crawled into. Ive seen it first hand and they all are the same.everysingle one. they should all be closed down.your parent goes in and is so upset and depressed, she will die just like that

I think children need to wake up, and care for their parents as their parents raised them.Shame on all these children who are always so busy to care for mom, or dad but can go out with friends and dinners and vacations. Its time to stop and care.

Thank you Jeanne. I am trying to really understand the "going home" condition and that longing. I am trying to make sense of it. We often wish we were young or healthier or happier but that longing becomes so strong sometimes. I like to keep an open mind about dementia and try to understand what the gains are. Leaving this life as we know it may open doors that we do not fully understand yet. Thank you for your detailed description. Sounds like he had 14 years of love with you!

Keaton, my husband's Lewy Body Dementia lasted ten years. We were very fortunate that I was able to keep him at home. He died in our bedroom (on hospice) with me holding his hand.

During the first year (which was actually his worst year cognitively and behaviorally) he frequently wanted to go home. At that point we had lived together in that house for about 14 years. He acknowledged that this was the lamp we shopped for together, and this was the dining room set we had refinished, etc. etc. But he still wanted to go home. He would pack a little yellow gym bag and stand at the door waiting for a bus or train to "go home."

So I have personally heard an elderly person say that he wanted to go home when he was physically in his own home. What additional details would you like to know about that?