What an insightful article from AgingCare.com, shedding light on the importance of proactive care and support for our elderly loved ones! It's heartwarming to see such valuable resources that empower families to navigate the challenges of aging with compassion and expertise. For those eager to expand their knowledge and access tailored resources for seniors, I highly recommend visiting SeniorThrive.com. It's a comprehensive platform offering a wealth of tools, expert advice, and a supportive community committed to enhancing the lives of seniors.

It is so frustrating - 87 yr old (almost 88) mom has vascular dementia & advanced CAD. She has an alert bracelet & necklace and will not wear either. I live w her and my 95 yr old dad - both of whom are not ver respectful nor kind to me. I am more a target for scapegoating and martyrdom when my mom throws herself on endless work projects and p*ssed because I am not anticipating, nor knowing how or when she want them done much less any help. Many of these projects are entangled with dementia and become very disruptive to the home and my own schedule.

I try to anticipate things that need doing - esp difficult ones. She and my dad will simply dump the half empty garbage from kitchen in the doorway as if I have not anticipated it needed doing - and run the dishwasher 2-3 times a day and not unload them...waiting for me to do them several times each day.

I went on an interview today to get my life back and when I returned she was still outside without her alert necklace, no cane, the entire yard I had just cleaned up was in disarray. She is happiest complaining that she has all this work and nobody does a d*mned thing to help schtick.

I have tried harm reduction to no avail. When I left for the interview several hours earlier, she had just started working in the yard and I said please don't do this too long. The result will be chest pains dehydration, whining and complaining that she did too much. And me having to tend to her and her endless martyrdom and physical issues that are impacted as a result.

I went into the house and saw the ladder out. AGAIN. I went out and asked her why the ladder was out and she said she was going to water the plants atop the breakfront - which I had just done and do weekly for her. I also just wrote a complete list of things I had done the last two days and left it out for her. She said she wasnt going to climb it but said my barely able to walk dad was going to do it. I told her that is not okay and I water those plants as is. She became angry and started cutting me off like I were in need of being told off. I asked her if she had her alert necklace on and she yelled NO~ I said this is frustrating mom. She just kept dismissing me angrily. I turned to walk away and she yelled are ou going to help me up? I said you didnt ask I assumed you were going to stay outside. I dont know when to help. She said well I cant get up (HELLO) annd need help. I gae her one arm to pull up on and she couldnt get up. So she starts talking about where to plant the flowers instead. I was exhausted from the last few days my work obligations and their endless needs - I said mom do you need help up or not? She said yes. It was awful. She could not get one of her legs out. I have a bad shoulder and it was pulling painfully under the strain.

I walked away asking if she needed her cane to which she said no.

I understand the idea of staying active but she had a stemi in nov and a stroke 2 mos after. No exercise at all through the winter and the first nice day out and she is d*mned near killing herself. The kitchen and living room are in shambles with her overly driven nesting and I cannot do it all. They refuse outside help and the woman who sits two days a wk was already demoted from 3 to 2 days per my dad. They do nothing when she is here because I know the lady would not put up with that.

My stress level is through the roo to the degree I feel like I am having chest pains and worried about how this is damaging me. M siblings dont care and wont help nor will they listen to any of this. They listen to my dad talk about how much of a control freak I am. Harm reduction is control? And who picks up the pieces of their bad decisions when it falls apart? ME. And who gets blamed for their bad decisions by EVERYONE? Me.

It is no longer tenable for me to be here. I want to run far away as fast as I can and carry a horrible sense of failure and grief with them admonishing me along w my family. Yet I am expected to be productive, happy, entertaining and not controlling a damned thing. I am supposed to give up my private place in the basement where I sleep on a sh!t couch whenever my dad ambles down the stairs to use one of 3 dinosaur computers he has to work on something he can do upstairs. He is a narcissist and refuses to leave the room if I need to shower or (like yesterday) have an interview or change of clothes until he is good and ready. I try to go out and stay out so he can use the downstairs.
My life is not my own. I am angry, scared, confused and depressed. I am afraid to leave or stay. I am expected to do this alone with family breeing in and out on occasion making more work for me along with nasty vocal gossip about me being single, no FT job and useless to my parents.

I am wondering if there is a God why he does not take me out instead. I am miserable and always on the edge of my seat. Nothing to look forward to.

Carol wrote a great article about the value of occupation (not a job necessarily, but having meaningful activities to do). And the people who have years of training in helping people remain independent in occupation are: Occupational Therapists. There are OTs that specialize in elder care (other OTs specialize in children, injured workers or psychiatric issues). Here are links to the OT association's guides on helping elders stay safe and still engaged in independent activities. You might find something of value in these tip sheets.
aota.org/About-Occupational-Therapy/Patients-Clients/Adults/Alzheimers.aspx is a Tip sheet for activity for alz patients

aota.org/About-Occupational-Therapy/Patients-Clients/Adults/LowVision.aspx has Tips for low vision problems

aota.org/-/media/Corporate/Files/AboutOT/consumers/Adults/AginginPlace/Helping-Age-in-Place.pdf Helping a parent remain at home

OT is a service covered by Medicare; you can ask the doctor to order occupational therapy and to include a personalized home evaluation/solutions. Sometimes simple solutions are out there, we just haven't thought of them. OT s can help with that.

Christmas before last my 92 yo amputee father, with limited mobility decided he could not wait one more day to take down the Christmas lights....I had postposed it from Saturday to Sunday. It was mid January, not like it was June. He found the ladder in the far end of the yard, brought it to the front yard (using his wheelchair over grass), climbed and took down the lights. It is a miracle he did not fall. I am sure my mom had screamed at him, but she could not detain him. Scolding him after the fact made no sense, so I just rolled my eyes and laughed. God protects fools!

He passed before the following Christmas, the memory of his misbehavior makes me smile.

Jessiebelle, you are wise. Also, I admire you for not bowing to your mother's neighbors. People on the outside so often make wrong judgments. They generally mean well, but they can't know how important this is to your mom.
Congratulations for your big heart.
Carol

Oy, this is something I've faced daily recently. My mother has spring fever at the moment and is working frantically in the yard. She is very unsteady on her feet, so I know that at any moment she is likely to fall. The yard work has given her a project, though -- a reason to live for the day. I check on her every few minutes to make sure all is okay. I make sure she has things she needs. I bring her drinks. The neighbors may think I'm awful to make this old, bent-over woman do all this work. Some of the neighbors even offer to do it for her. She turns them down, of course, because it is her project.

It would be easier for me if she didn't do it. I am stuck here at the moment because I know she will want to go outside to work. I am worried she will fall and hurt herself. But I am not going to stop her from doing this thing she is enjoying. She only has a little more time here on the earth, so let her enjoy it. I can go somewhere on rainy days.

If something is totally dangerous, I think we should stop our parents. If something is potentially dangerous, we just have to watch out for them and call 911 if needed. So no ladders for my mother, but yard work is worth the risk.

You are remarkable people! Realizing that your parents need to feel useful is a huge benefit to them. Not everyone can see that. And yes, that can often mean worry about their safety and in cases like gelleng, it's also frustrating and time consuming. However, I don't think she'll regret this, nor will many of you. Much of my "caregiving" for my dad was keeping his "office" running. It was what gave him a reason to live.
Take care, all of you,
Carol

My 86 year old mother still drives to her office everyday and takes our dog with her! She was a homebuilder and realtor for more than 45 years...all she likes to do is work. So I let her go...but getting the keys, briefcase, cell phone, purse, kleenex, dog, dog food and now underwear and pajamas (she has decided she is going to start staying overnight at her office!!) all together takes her forever. I'm not able to go to my business until about noon if I stay there and help her "get to work". She enjoys being at her office and shuffling papers and rifling through files from god knows when and says her memory problems have VERY LITTLE impact on her - she can do just about everything she always did! Yes, very little impact on her HUGE impact on me!....but then she goes thru a long process to get packed up to go home - has to find the keys, the purse, are the doors locked? It is something of a risk to let her go - she doesn't keep the door locked, doesn't remember to eat lunch, pulls weeds in the hot sun, loses site of the dog on occasion, but she loves working - thinks she still is in charge of her rental properties, etc- NOT. But she says she has to go to work Monday thru Friday. Period. Sometimes my head is spinning 360 degrees by the time I get to my office. I've thought of putting an office for her at the house but there is something about having somewhere to go everyday that she loves. Choices are not easy but I know she always valued her independence above her own personal safety throughout her whole life so I try to keep a balance...This is like having an 8-yr old boy with a car and a dog!

My mother lives with my brother and SIL. She has dementia, heart issues and is pretty frail. She has been living with them for the past year and my SIL has found many ways to make her feel 'useful' and a needed part of the family. My 87 year old mother (who raised 5 children) has always been a homemaker and thrived in her role as such...so Ellie encourages her to dry the dishes and fold laundry frequently. She simply loves doing these simple chores. Sometimes Ellie even 'unfolds' the laundry just to let her do it all over again if she becomes anxious or agitated, since her short term memory is gone. Doing these easy, household chores harkens back to a time in her life where she can feel useful again and a part of the family unit. Ellie also gives her very simple jigsaw puzzles to do as she used to adore doing them long ago. She enjoys these and can manage them.

Dealing with an aging loved one is never an easy process. There are so many little details to keep up on, I found that Dr. Marions home safety checklist was not only helpful but it kept my mind at ease.

Hi Greencandy - As a member of the Sandwich Generation, balancing my caring for my elderly parents with babysitting grandchildren is something I do on a regular basis.

Your idea does sound good, and I would think there are people who would like this type of care. There are two things you might need to take into consideration.

1. Kids can get sick often - exposing the fragile elderly to more germs than normal. You'll need to make sure any who participate are ok with that.

2. The grandkids are, indeed, a joy and delight to my senior mom - but in shorter doses than I enjoy. She loves spending time with them, but she also loves being able to retreat to her bedroom when the kids' noise gets too much for her. Quiet areas for each will be a big help to you.

Hope this helps. :)

Licensing would be a key issue, as is your location. The idea is interesting. Adult day care centers often are in the same building as child day care centers so that the generations can interact, but not be together more than they wish.

Good luck with your plan. I think you may be limiting it a bit, but you are the person who has studied this.
Carol

My question is about providing a place for dignity, safety, and sense of purpose. Is there a demand for private day care for seniors living with family, who shouldn’t be left alone during the day, but who for some reason a regular adult day care is not a good option?

I read a paper on intergenerational day care where seniors and preschoolers benefit from spending time together, but it was for legislation to regulate an institutional approach to the idea. The point about the seniors and little ones interacting was that mentoring the children gave the seniors a sense of dignity and purpose, while their needs for safety and assistance were also being met.

It sparked my interest because I used to love “granny sitting” a neighbor of mine, and babysat all the time when I was a teen. Now my job is substitute teaching in a large district. It isn’t as much fun as baby sitting or visiting with senior citizens.

I am wondering if a small, private, in-home alternative would be a good option for some people. I am most interested in the idea of a couple of senior ladies and a couple of preschoolers for all day Monday to Friday, but also want to know what the demand for a drop-in hourly type option would be. Assuming the caregiver meets your every wish and expectation for quality of care and attention, would this be a service you would want? Any and all input is appreciated.

Linda, Don't know what to tell you! Mom is the same way and also has Parkinsons as I said before. She only weighs 110, but is very hard to restrain when she's in her "nasty" mood. I'm only 5'2", but since I have been caring for her, I now weigh 160! Yikes!!!! I'm a very strong person and have done heavy physical work all my life, but I have trouble holding Mom when she gets ornery. I've twisted my knee, back, shoulder, which I had rotator cuff surgery on, last May. I've also gotten my fingers close to being broken when trying to keep her from falling. Some days end with me feeling like I fell down 3 flights of stairs! I don't know what to tell you. I do know that it is hard to find someone to help care for a combative elderly person. It is also hard to place them in some nursing homes, as they do not have the staff to keep a constant eye on them.
I do know that drugging them to calm them down, should be a last resort. Our results from trying such meds went terribly wrong. So I just keep doing what I do and hope that Mom is going to have a good day.
When your mom gets really bad, you might want to have her checked for a UTI. This can alter them drastically, both physically and mentally. They become very incoherent and MEAN! It's usually a sure sign for me that Mom has a UTI.
Good luck, and hope you find some answers to your dilemma. Let me know if you do.

My 93 year old mother was diagnosed with dementia about 6 years ago. It has been a slow process, but she is not capable of logic, or reason, and if allowed would do some very bizarre things. She is not bed ridden, and is quite mobile, and capable a getting around pretty well, even those we have notice that she is becomming more and more feable. She has always been very independent, and a workaholic. If we attempt to stop her from doing things like lighting a furnace that is already lit, or taking a hammer to a working t.v. to fix it, she becomes combative. Medication keeps her a little calmer, but she appears depressed, because she is not able to maintain the busy life style she once had. She has 24 hour care givers because she lives alone. She has never been a social person, and crowds bother her. She can only relate to close family members. She is very small in stature, she also has a bad heart, and when agitated can rip doors off the hinges. How do we deal with her without getting her agitated, and without getting injured ourselves? Is there an agency that can come to the home to help with activities.

Mom was a housewife her whole life. Now she has Parkinsons which has made it impossible to walk without help. I do have to restrain her because she also has dementia, anxiety and depression. She also has severe OCD which causes her to be in constant motion. If she is sitting, she will try to stand up 40 to 50 times/minute! She loves to fold laundry, but keeps trying to stand to do the work, or wants to put away each piece after she folds it.
The dementia has made it so that she can't understand it is unsafe for her to walk. As soon as she gets up, she falls. She has been to the hospital many times for e-rays and stitches, and was in rehab twice after falling. I am with her all the time, and can't do laundry or even cook without tying her down. I put her in a wheelchair against the table to eat. She will buck the chair back numerous times while eating.
She used to love to read, but was not a hobby person. She liked doing housework, but is no longer capable. If I try to find her something to keep her busy, she says she doesn't want to, or is bored within 5 minutes. All she wants to do is get up and walk. She cannot comprehend using a walker or wheelchair, and thinks if I let her use them, that she has free rein and can go anywhere she wants. When I do let her free, she drags me all over the house. All she wants to do is pace. I prevent her from falling dozens of times a day.
How do you deal with someone like this without restraining them. I'm exhausted from trying to keep her down. I have no ideas left to keep her busy.

It is so very important to let the elder live with dignity for as long as possible. I know it is hard at times for the caregiver to make the calls needed. Thanks for providing us such a thought provoking post, Carol.