MFRDaughter, no, you're not misreading anything nor do you sound at all whiny.  Instead, you've got it exactly right -- aging is hard by itself and providing care for someone else at the same time is usually exhausting and often under-appreciated by the person receiving care, other family members and society in general.

You said your mother has "virtually no money," but maybe she at least gets Social Security or something similar each month.  Regardless, most states have "legal aid" services that are available at little or no charge for qualifying individuals.  I suggest contacting legal aid in your state to see if legal and financial help is available for you to be appointed as your mother's guardian so that you can make decisions that are best for both of you. If you just turn your mother over to the state, as your attorney suggested, then you may not be appointed as her guardian and, if so, could end up with little opportunity to help make decisions for your mother's well-being.

Kudos to you for being your mother's caregiver for 12 years, especially without her providing any financial support. But it sounds like those 12 years have taken a toll on you and, as you already know, being your mother's full-time caregiver is not going to get easier in the future and is probably not advisable, and might not even be possible. Best wishes in getting the help you need for caregiving and for full decision-making authority.
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Thank you, Marlo Sollitto, for this excellent article that explains not just how to obtain guardianship, but also why guardianship is granted only when necessary and as a last resort due to the value courts put on individual independence for everyone. Also important is the explanation that no power-of-attorney (POA), whether durable or springing, whether financial or medical, or whether included in a trust or not, gives any POA agent authority to force the grantor to do anything against the grantor's will. There are a lot of well-intended but misinformed myths being posted on www.agingcare.com about the absolute authority and fail-safe value of POAs and this article should help dispel those myths, as well as help all of us remember to always try our best to appreciate the value of individual independence, however difficult that may be.
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Hi Everyone,

What is a solution when care recipient rights and caregiver rights seem at odds?

I read these posts often but never posted myself until today and reading this article on care recipient rights.

My 97 YO mother moved into my house when she could no longer live alone at home. She provides little-to-no financial support and has virtually no money. That was 12 years ago. Now, her physical needs are about more than I can handle, yet she refuses to even think about a facility. I am mid-70 with bad back and knees. Soon she will need to be lifted which I cannot do. I am an only child with no close family support. I employ respite help from time-to-time.

Where do caregiver rights enter the picture? Shouldn’t I get the same consideration as her? My elder attorney has outlined guardianship (lengthy and expensive) as well as turning her over to the state and says I can’t force her to go to a facility. Yet I am now feeling I will be forced to care for her when it is beyond my ability to do so.
I am starting to feel as though my needs simply don’t matter as she is entitled to her “independence.”

I hope I don’t sound whiney. Am I misreading or missing something?

I certainly do not expect my children to care for
me in this way.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts,
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If a revocable trust exists, the Trustee has the power to make medical decisions. The documents are included when the Trust is established.
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We have a problem I have not seen addressed on this site. My parents still live in the home we grew up in, but we 4 children all live too far away to look after them. My mother has early dementia and is no longer cooking or otherwise looking after my dad, who is 87. He is living on Cheerios and frozen dinners, has lost a lot of weight, and is frail. He is an intelligent person but my mom's conversation is restricted to birds, squirrels, and complaints. My dad wants to move to assisted living or to the home of one of his children, but my mom refuses, intends to die in that house, and has always been in control. We've been working with her for years, touring assisted living homes, etc. but she says that's for old people. Twice we've tried to get them on a plane to come to my home, but she's gone into extreme meltdowns and we've given up. We've had to take my dad to the ER after they've been on their own for several weeks. Recently we took him to the home of my sister to recuperate for a few days, and my mom was in meltdown until they were reunited. She insists that only she can take care of him properly. I've read about elders like my mom on the site, but have not come across this exact situation, in which leaving them on their own may lead to my dad's death from malnutrition. It's one thing to say that it's her choice, but another to consign my dad to depression, malnutrition, and maybe early death, because of her stubborness. I'll appreciate any advice, thank you.
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I'm in the same boat as many of you. I have a notarized medical POA for my father with dementia. Already had an APS case due to him going missing. His VA Dr has said he's got dementia and so has a neurologist. I in no way can afford to pay for guardianship. My cars engine blew when I went searching for him. Is there seriously no way I can have him placed without spending so much money?
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Dad never got that close, I was able to provide him with that level of dignity within his decline in his mid to late 90's. It has cost me my career to relocate and be 24/7 care. That's a problem I have with society, any time away from being employed and they act like you've never had a job and they low ball you trying to get back into the labor force, if not outright keep you unemployed to marginally employed. The human race is rather disappointing in that regard, it's all about money & wealth transfers in this world. Where we're all going, money isn't a commodity, there are no winners on this side, we're all dieing some day, winning is a matter of how long life lasts. Quality of life is measured in how much of this side you can stand to suffer to be around small & petty individuals.
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I hope I never get that old or crippled.
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Help! I have been sole caregiver for my father in law for last three years now. He’s 87, lived alone so my husband, myself and our teenage daughter moved in for basic company. However, his overall health is okay, his mind is failing. He’s within last year verbally abusive to me daily, fires all home health, needs more care because now he’s such a miserable man that he even makes inappropriate remarks about my daughter and her friends. It’s getting worse, she stays in her room at almost 15, he smells horrible, chain smokes, soils everything, yet his daughters are Scott free already asking for inheritance when he’s still living. We can’t just leave him here but he’s incredibly selfish almost knowing the strain it’s putting on this house.
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My grandmother is 83 and is of sound mind and sharp as a tack. She has a little trouble getting up sometimes to get on the commode. Her kidneys are shutting down and doesn't have over 6 months to live. I've been going to her house every morning and every night or I spend the night there so she can have help before bed and I can get her up at 5am to use commode, have breakfast and take morning pills. She has 2 home health care aides come 2x a day. Her dying wish is to stay at home, where her favorite memories are, where she lived with my grandfather over 50 years and raised her children there, and not be placed into a nursing home. My father and my aunt are trying to force her into a nursing home anyway. I've offered her to live with me but they won't even consider it. I've finally enlisted the help of some friends to help at night or spend the night with her. My question is... Is it wrong of me to be upset with my dad and aunt that they haven't offered to spend the night with her and they won't let her live with me? I own a business and it's falling behind due to the constant care I've been providing for my Grammy. I'm trying to keep her at home or at least out of a nursing home as long as I can. My grandfather was in one and had a miserable life there and wasn't taken care of very well. They dropped him, they lied about things. I don't want the same thing happening to my beloved grammy. Am I wrong? Why can't she just live with me, it would be easier on the family as she would always have someone at my house, between myself, my husband and 2 aides a day, she'd be happy to not be in a nursing home and itd be easier on me so I wouldn't have to be away from home anywhere from 4-9 hours a day. I just don't understand.
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My granmother is 83. She is of sound mind and sharp as a tack. She's been having issues getting herself up to use the commode, but I go every morning and every night to help her or I spend the night. She has 2 home health care aides come 2x a day. I've suggested her living with me and my father and aunt won't even consider it. They want her in a nursing home. Yes, she shouldn't be alone at night in case something happens, but she has lifeline for emergencies. I just enlisted help from friends because I own a business which is falling behind due to the constant care I've been providing for my Grammy. Her dying wish is to die at home, where her favorite memories are and where she lived with my grandfather over 50 years. I want to keep it that way or have her live with me. Is it wrong of me to be upset with my dad and aunt that they haven't offered to spend the night and they are trying to force her into a nursing home? Mind you, my grandfather had a miserable life for over 6 years in one and the staff wasn't taking good care of him. They dropped him and broke his hip and all other things. I don't want her going there, especially because she doesn't want to go. Am I wrong??
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Find a geriatric care manager. I went to court and was granted conservatorship over an elderly relative (it was expensive, time-consuming, and frustrating, but it's the only way you have the authority to make decisions for someone else and not be overruled). It's time for my relative to be in a secured facility, but he won't go without a fight. A geriatric care manager is helping me find an appropriate place, doing the legwork beforehand to explain his situation to the facility managers and find a good fit, and helping me to not waste my time by pursuing facilities that will either reject him or accept him and then kick him out for being difficult. She's been a lifesaver!
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To rovana: thank you for your comments. I have been sacrificing the last eight years of my life taking care of my 93 years old father. I do feel like a slave. He wants to be waited on, is narcissistic and has be so hateful to his family in the past. Now that he is old, people thing he is this sweet little old man. If they only knew! He just got renected from an assisted living be ause they were afraid what harm his anger could cause on staff and other residents since he refuses to move there voluntarily. I am so depressed. No end in sight.
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my husband has stage 4liver disease and just about died 2x.. I work so hes left alone.. He smokes and sleeps has burnt a lot of things. He can barely walk, talk. he doesnt care for himself most days doesnt eat much. Doesnt want to go to the hospital even though hes getting worse. I have been a caregiver for 3others in my family until they died.. Im losing strength to care for my spouse, getting bitter etc. Im thinking of leaving him on his own. He is on disability. Would he be admitted should I leave.. He has been given a Certificate of Incapacity.?
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My question is if all member sigh rights to one person in family to care for parent,then 7 months later that person descides they can’t care for the parent,do they have the right to put the parent in a nursing home without everyone else in the family agreeing. Especially if someone else is willing to take the parent in?
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If my mom were acting differently at home than at the doctor's office, putting on her best behavior so as to avoid moving to assisted living, for example, I would set up a video camera at my home to record her irratic behavior or however else she acts and keep tract over a month long period to get enough of her words and actions to s how the doctor exactly how she really acts outside his office. Check with a lawyer to ascertain what you do would hold up in local court......Legal Shield in just about every state has lawyers at a reasonable fee to advise people on such issues. Patricia
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My husband and I are dealing with this, with his father. He has Alzheimers and refuses to cooperate. He signed for my husband to have medical POA a few years back before he lost his mind. However, from what you are saying, this means nothing when it comes to commitment? Even if we have a neurologist who states he has Dementia (MRI shows he had 2 strokes and aging of the brain), we also have 3 other doctors who state he shouldn't be living on his own or driving. So if we do nothing because lets just say, he don't own anything so inheritance isn't something that's happening due to his own bad decision making, the state could come after us for elder abuse..but if we do, it costs us an arm and a leg to put him in a facility.. Please advise..for we are at our wits end.
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My next door neighbor had been diagnosed with dementia several years ago, but somehow still drives (has nearly run over 2 people on 2 different occasions in just a year), was picked up off the ground in sub-zero temps several times after falling, had APS come in and say he's fine although he's got mouse droppings and dog fur all over his house, can't remember what day it is and nearly blew his house and mine up because he had a propane leak and couldn't smell it! Oh yes, then the homeless guy his "friend" who he says is an OK guy because he has a decent backpack -yeah, no joking, was living with him and stole his credit card and made a ton of charges on it after he left him to die of pneumonia... really, the list goes on and on. His family did NOTHING. His doctor did THE MINIMUM.

What can be done? His family doesn't want to "upset" him. His doctor and myself along with several of our neighbors have had his license pulled and he was retested (somehow passed) then nearly mowed down another person right after it was reinstated - which was the second time he's nearly hit a pedestrian in a year. He also had 2 car accidents last year that he did not report!

He was a wildlife biologist for 30 + years, fed the deer all summer and so they camp out between our houses and my dog was attacked - twice. Asked him real nice to "Please stop feeding the deer?" His response was "I don't feed the deer!" and then he proceeded to pick up a 2"x2"x4' piece of wood and threaten to hit me in the face with it. So far my vet bills are $1500 and he's still doing as he pleases (against our HOA rules BTW).

I live in OR. This is UNBELIEVABLE. It AMAZES me that he has ANY rights at all after being diagnosed with dementia spectrum disorder. HOW IS HE LEGALLY LIVING ALONE??? For his relatives to take even the action of making sure he got to the doctor's when he had the pneumonia it literally took me texting them a photo of him sitting in his own feces, unable to get out of his chair. This is in NO WAY an exaggeration. I'm OVER IT. Any advice?? I'll be moving in the summer for sure. But I don't want to leave the next person with this problem. I took care of my grandma who had dementia by myself for 8 years and so I know how it goes with the disease, but this is WAY over the top.
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I am looking fore a leagal way to put my adult child cusin in a group home becouse he is so unable to care for himself and no one wants to take care of him because he is down right abusive, plus so much more.
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What do u do when an elderly person cannot take care of themselves physically and they have no kids no power of attorney just brothers and sisters
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To Rovana: I have the feeling you are encumbered and/or encountered narcs in your life. Ultimately, we can just stay away and let nature take its course. Trouble is, many children of narcs are so damaged this becomes well nigh impossible and the abuse goes on. For myself, if I was more successful, I never would have returned home. I might have tried remote aid of what I (could) have afforded but no way would I have returned home. I did, and it worked out ok. Mom was not the worst narc in the world and I set boundaries (forged by the years I was away from her) which helped to stop 'episodes' in their track. It never ceases to amaze me how the dysfunction continues, even when people break free of the narc.
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My mother was in the hospital due to severe dog bites. My sister and cousin decided to place her in a lock down unit, Stating she in incompetent. Now my cousin is her her guardian. They have been lying to my mother a lot. She wants to go home. What are her choices? I thought about just taking her out of there. My mom is her own POA according to her will.
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What do you do when your mother has been proven with alzheimers and not able to make medical decisions decisions on where she lives and she's very sick but other illnesses to she has no power of attorney no living will there's three siblings but my brother wants to take charge when everything we need to get her house sold that's her only asset to live in a nursing home where do I go from here because my brother will not let me near the house my nephew is in the house with his girlfriend and a pitbull that will tack and I have contacted department of aging protective services and they agree but are doing nothing to help me and also the doctor agrees the house needs to be cleaned and sold for my mothers future in a nursing home until her final day what is my next step can anybody advise me where to go from here one how to make a move to get the house when my brother thinks he is in charge of everything but there is no power of attorney
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I am onboard with Rovana's comments. My parent refuses to go to a nursing home. He lives at my home and I have been his sole caretaker. He is blind, has mobility issues, is a stroke risk and a fall risk, he has dementia, is unable to prepare meals for himself, cannot make or transport himself to Doctor appointments, etc, and we live in a rural community without public transportation. I do feel like the current laws and requirements tie my hands as to what I can and cannot do and force me to be a legalized slave to him. I am experiencing my own health issues and do not, and maybe soon, will not be able to provide the level of care he requires. What then? What happens if I am hospitalized and unable to prepare his meals or "find him" when he gets lost in his own house? How and when can the elderly protection agencies be called to assist? Can they make the determination that your parent needs to be moved to a nursing home for their own protection and wellbeing?
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My husband has the hospital saying he told them to put him in home when he can't speak or under stand yes or no that's why I am his medical guardian by the state I was told he will never get better and would always need assist to live and home was his best place to live the remainder of his life not a home this was 2 major hospital recommend as he will not live long now the hospital is trying to say no home nursing will do only re-shape and he will be there till he's able to care for him selfe that will be till he dies my laser said they are covering there ass he's a long term I'll health person and costs them money.
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What are you to do about a person who is of sound mind, rotting body, but is self destructive, passive aggressive, manipulative and causing undue pain and suffering to those around her? What do you do when her own children aren't aware, care, or concerned, because they are her identical manipulative passive aggressive self? What do you do when you watch her mentally, emotionally, financially, physically and in every way, tormenting her husband, and has been doing so for decades? What do you do when the woman invites her 20yo granddaughter to live with her "to help grandma", but nothing comes of it, except another passive aggressive selfish manipulator has entered the house and steals, lies and ignores? What do you do when the husband is to stubborn to admit he's being abused, aids in her destructive behavior because he thinks he has no choice? What do you do when you're unrelated to any of these people, but are keenly aware of all of this? What?

This woman is a menace. Her actions, as far as I can see, are criminal. Her abuse towards herself will not end. She's dying of liver cancer, won't peel herself from the couch unless she needs to go to the hospital, or finds some way to get meth, or wants to destroy herself with food, or constantly screams at the top her lungs every curse and swear, at every little thing, at every living thing, with full and clear intent to harm, manipulate or control? What?

What do you do when she lives in flea-infested filth and garbage, actively producing it, never bathes, collects animals which she forces her husband to care for, even though he is either incompetent or incapable to do so, getting rabbits and chickens and ducks and dogs and cats to the point where Police come and tell them to clean up the smelly feces which is feet thick?

This woman. My god. What do you do when she's the devil in rotting flesh?

If something doesn't change, and right now, she is going to kill herself, and her husband through sheer stress and torment, or succumb to the cancer and at her last moment, set fire to the house so he goes with her?

I am not a child, relative or anything. I'm just some guy, no rights or responsibilities, but I consider these monsters to be my friends. Her daughter is just like her. Her granddaughter even more so. I see nothing but impossible. Can I be caught up in this legally, just for being invited to stay on their property? We never even discussed me helping them, though now they seem to think they have, to the point where the stress is affecting me now too. I had my first nightmare last night, and I never have nightmares. And it was all about this.

I want to force a change, because none of these people will do it for themselves, and if what you are saying is true here, the husband may be held criminally responsible for her state of health, the state of the house, the.. madness, and tht is the most wrong thing ever. He has done just about everything he can to help her, but she actively destroys all the help, because it came from him. She will not let him have any control over himself, and will lie and cheat and manipulate the facts to make herself the victim, even going so far as to lie and say he is abusing her, when it is clearly the other way around.

Honestly, I think it would be best if she were to die. As horrible as that sounds, it is nothing compared to this woman's abuse. What? What do you do?
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I have been assisting with my mothers care for over 4 years. She has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and has been deemed incompetent by her neurologist, she is truly not able of taking care of herself. She has had 12 hours of care for 4 months, however, her money is running low and changes must be made. Two weeks ago she agreed to go to "therapy" which is going to be Memory Care Assisted Living. Two days later she changed her mind. I have tried to talk to her about this but she refuses to move. To get the care she needs she needs to move to AL and sell her house. She is verbally abusive to me and completely uncooperative. Monetarily she has no choice, either move or change the level of care she is currently getting. In two weeks her care will go from 12 hours day to 4 hours a day. I will also check into getting meals on wheels for her. I will continue to do her shopping, finances, and see to her medical needs. By making this change can I be charged with elder abuse? Her behavior to me is taking its toll on my health (mentally and physically) and on my marriage.
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Needmyspace: what is possible is simply to sell the house, move somewhere else, and effectively evict her at the same time. Your first obligation is to your husband. You really want to live the rest of your mothers life with her and not your hubby? I think though he should help with the process of evicting your mother.
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My siblings want me to sign a piece of paper to force my father who has Dementia into assisted living. Does that make me financially liable.? I don't understand why I need to be a part of this. I haven't had anything to do with him for years, and I don't want anything to do with him. They contacted me and said they needed me to sign papers. Please Help
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My mother has been living with me and my husband for 1-1/2 years. Very stressful especially for my husband who runs 2 business. I am also busy helping him. We are in our 60's and want to FINALLY enjoy the fruits of our labors. She REFUSES to leave and doesn't see the least bit concerned that we are at our wits end. She has always been very spoiled and got anything she ever wanted. Lots I can say,,,,,but what I need to know is can we bring her to a (very nice!) assisted living and make her stay. She has no major health problems. She is 91 and can climb stairs "quickly" and not get out of breath. She acts like life is over and I should take care of all her needs,,,which I do. My husband wants her OUT or he is leaving. We love each other deeply and are extremely happy. But I can understand my husband is getting desperate to show her, she needs to think about us. We feel she truly does not care; she is very calm about the whole thing (while we are flipping out!) and simply says "I am not moving" without blinking an eye. I love my mother, but sometimes I don't like her because of her stubbornness. Basically what can I do legally to get her to move out of our house.
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