Just reading everyone’s comments is helpful and reassuring that Im not alone. I am an only child and my parents divorced when I was young and my dad passed this year, so Im aware my moms time is also limited and eventually she’ll be gone. I know she is lonely and that is the root cause of her constant complaints and irrational anger. She is pretty good about toning down the complaining when I tell her to stop. Lol. I love her so much and it can be difficult to around her because she also talks nonstop about the same minor things over and over and over again. Did I mention she talks a lot about the same things over and over again? Lol. When I step away I realize she’s lonely and bored and I feel compassion for her and also sad, because her usual self is slipping away.
(0)
Report

These are all helpful comments and I know I am not alone in this journey. My 93 yr old mom has changed dramatically over the last 3 years since dad's death. She has taken it out on myself & sister, and my husband now. We moved her into her 2nd AL facility last week after enduring endless complaints from her about the rent, noises, staff changes (albeit going thru Covid), people, etc. So we gave her options and said it was "her choice". So she made the decision to move and now blames us for it. Everything we have ever done for her is met with criticism, negativity, unthankful/unappreciative. The complaints are endless, and we are tired of it all. It is taking a toll on our lives, loved ones, etc. So I have decided to give mom (and I) her space, take care of my mental well being and focus on my marriage/family, traveling as we should in retirement, and let the AL staff take care of her. I'm not going to be at her beckoning call or drop everything to buy something she has run out of. She's in good hands and I'm grateful for that. This blog/comments has really helped me understand your situations and know while we love our parents, we have to live our lives as well.
(2)
Report

My husband is in the middle of a Dementia decline. He complains constantly, moans, cries, and tells me his is ill, but cannot explain what’s wrong. He curses frequently, sometimes at me. I have lost count of the F-Us he has hurled at me. He is totally unaware of what is happening. He follows me around to the point where I cannot even shower or go to the bathroom without his asking me questions repeatedly or commenting on unimportant things that don’t need to be communicated while I’m in the bathroom. With Covid restrictions, we are together 24/7. I am beyond stressed.
(1)
Report

Such a knowledge based post, I am reading every comment, this really helps me to understand my mother’s situation
(2)
Report

Thank you so much- the timing is wonderful. I'm caring for my mom on my own after my sister took her life. I haven't had time to grieve and/or really process things , but lately, Mom is argumentative, a diva, a brat, and whatever I do..it is never enough or correct. She is 77. I do anything she needs or wants and she lives in a great ALF, but I still ask myself if what I do is enough..until she berates me or the others around her. It is tough not knowing when to step back and breathe, or when to remind her that her behavior is not necessary. I just needed this today..
(0)
Report

Outstanding article. Useful reminders for any age and circumstance, any interaction with anyone!

The article also offers insight into ways we might communicate, handle and prepare for our own aging or other stressors.
(1)
Report

I was just thinking how to the negative parent/person, we are not ‘seen’ as a person... nor (in their mind) are we ‘allowed’ to have feelings (let alone our own life). It’s as if we don’t exist...
(2)
Report

It truly makes me shiver to read all of these as I am part of this maddening circus as you are. As time goes by, your mind wants to explode... It’s a no win situation... so, I think it depends on your tolerance factor. I just want you to know that I send my love to all of you and pray we can keep our health and recover our lives with some sort of happiness and dignity. We know it will never be the same again. But, it would be a God send if we could find our selves again and move forward to enjoy our lives without the really bad memories, guilt and doubt. Why should we feel punished or carry such burdens all of our life when we sacrificed so much love, time and self.
(6)
Report

This is in response to Jeweltone.
I know this is an old thread. I hope you are well. It is great that you put your mother in assisted living and visit her frequently. Or infrequently. Whatever you do or not do, she will complain. I appreciate that you are an only child and thus feel more responsible for it all. Hopefully she is in a good place and I am sure there are activities there and other people there with whom she can socialize.
I am one of 6 children. My mother moved far away (her choice) and lives in a senior center. She has many physical limitations and receives an enormous amount of personal care in her home. My siblings are always buying her the latest creature comforts (way more than I have). She is 86.
I have not gone there for a personal visit as she has no extra accommodations and the airfare/hotel cost is prohibitive for me.
So I call, text, FaceTime, whatever I can do. I listen to
her detailed medical complaints and try to help her as best I can, giving her moral support, asking follow up
questions about her care, encouraging her to “keep going”, etc.
I have plenty of problems of my own. The last phone conversation I brought up a
serious matter that was of concern to me. (I am single with no kids, by the way.) She discussed it with me in a very straightforward manner. Then the conversation turned to the specifics of her medical problems, day to day plans, her schedule for the next week, etc. I thought the conversation went pretty well.
The next morning she sent me a text message giving me a detailed narrative of her plans for the coming few days.
Then she wrote how much she appreciated how much I did for her considering I was in such a pathetic situation and she really loved me so much even though I was a pain in the neck.
WOW!!!
So I write back to her that I did not appreciate her referring to me as being a pain in the neck. She replied “do you realize I just sent you a message of love?”
I ask you - is telling someone they are pathetic and a pain in the neck words that sound like “love”? I told her they were mean words and asked her to refrain from using them.
She said I wasn’t so perfect and should be able to take a little criticism.
WOW!!!
This from a woman who has 6 children regularly checking in with her, 2 that make frequent expensive visits to see her (as she moved far away).
For some people, it is never enough and they will always complain. I know she is your mother and it hurts. It hurts me to.
So now I am thinking she is fine, she is getting the care she needs and, for some reason that is beyond my ability to comprehend, she flings hurtful comments toward me and I should be able to take it because I am not perfect.
Jeweltone, I am here to
tell you that I will not be calling my old mom any more as she is a broken record of those types of what are basically attacks. I am not sure if she is aware of how wrong what she is doing is. I try to be clear.
My new strategy is to forget about phone calling and just text - maybe once a week.
I would love to be able to do more but the woman simply cannot control herself for some reason and I feel very demoralized after each phone conversation.
You are not alone Jeweltone. I support you in your decision to make the visits shorter and more infrequent in order to spare yourself the hurt. Or simply don’t go at all and maybe just call on the phone.
It is sad that we want so much to be able to offer moral support for our parents and experience some level of satisfaction in visits or
conversations, but their negative attitude and constant complaints and criticisms make it too difficult. I wish some of the old parents would read this thread.
I know you are an only child,
but you are not the only child
that has this experience. Personally, I feel a little off the hook because my siblings pick up a lot of the slack. However that does not change the fact that my mother says critical and demoralizing to me and about me, for really no apparent reason.
Good Luck Jeweltone🌻
(2)
Report

Hello everyone, it is good to have somewhere to vent. I have a mother who has always been negative and toxic to be around. but with age and sickness has gotten even worse for me. i have non hodgkins lymphoma and been battling that for 8 years now. Mom has had 3 bouts with breast cancer about the same time as mine and lost her license and car. Now for the last few years I have had to take her everywhere and be around the toxic cloud she is under. It is good to know I am not alone. Diane
(2)
Report

I was always a fairly calm person, and always kept my living place fairly clean , yet not immaculate. I was never embarrassed for anyone to come to my home. I've raised 5 kids (2 were twin girls). Now that I am 70, I live with of my which is now 33. He is totally sloppy yet keeps himself clean, while his own room always looks trashed. He never picks up and rarely cleans up his messes wen he fixes anything in the kitchen. I have to ask him to do even pick up things that he drops(trash) or even put something away that is difficult for me to so. I am in a lift tilt wheelchair. He is also embarrassing when we even go to the store, and is pulling me down.
Why are we as elderly people have to be treated just the opposite of we raised our children to be? I have severe back and spinal issues.
(2)
Report

I feel as if I don't have a chance for my own future happiness.
(1)
Report

I googled this because today was a bad day. I can’t tell you how great it feels to know I’m not alone, and others have the same difficulties.
Today I finally had to have a chat with my grandparents about how I cannot see them every day. I am in my 30s, have a husband, four young children, and care for both of my grandparents. My mom lives nearby but isn’t helpful and their only other child lives out of state so it’s down to me. They complain, their kids complain, and my poor family I feel gets neglected. My mental health is growing thinner all the time.

It helps to vent to people who get it. Praying for you all!
(3)
Report

How do you keep from losing it with a parent that is both narcissistic and extremely vain? She can’t hear but refuses hearing aids, so if we try to watch a movie, the volume is so loud I can barely stand it. Then she wants to talk and of course, I can’t hear her because of the volume of tv. I end up pausing the movie a dozen times so I now just play games on my phone and not really watch it. OR the more dangerous issue of having a terrible back and thinning hip bones, refusing any type of appliance to help her get around safely and easier. I have to hold her hand and help her everywhere and have explained that if she falls, breaking a hip is a certainty and I can also hurt myself by trying to break her fall. Will not discuss either of these and it all has to do with vanity. She is actually making her pain worse by trying to walk without assistance, since she has to favor one leg, so muscles are getting weaker on one side.

I completely lost it last week and told her off, of course, she argues right back just as we did when I was a teenager. I’m so stressed out I broke several crowns eating hard candy for some kind of stress relief, lol! Decided I better hit the gym instead! Advice?
(2)
Report

I have been working in the industry on and off for over 10 years now, as well as being the task of helping my grandparent throughout my high school years (long time ago now). From a professional and personal stand point, this article is outstanding, and spot on. I can't thank the author enough. I have had so many cases of just down right negative and sometimes mean clients over the years. You try to be empathetic, patient, loving, and caring, but everyone has a breaking point. It has been so hard for me the last few years that I do not even want to continue working in the industry anymore. The best advice I've learned most recently, and most importantly, is that we are human...and as much as we try to relate, help, and give..you have to take a step back and realize you HAVE to take care of yourself too. You are important too.
(5)
Report

I have been working in the Senior care industry on and off for well over 10 years now, and also helped take care of a grandparent throughout high school. So, from a personal and professional stand point this article was very helpful in understandin certain topics more in depth. It is very very very difficult helping someone, loved one or in a professional manner who is always complaining, negative, and down-putting you. I try to understand, empathize, and help the individual the best I can, but it has gotten so hard I don't even want to continue working in this industry anymore. I want to encourage everyone to do the best you can, but please always remember, as I'm just now realizing myself before it's too late...you are human...and you know need to take a step back and realize you have to have some type of peace in your life, because YOU matter too....
(2)
Report

Great article! My 85 yr old Mother is healthy and goes out every day to eat fast food and shop. She never stops complaining and gossiping. She watches CNN and soap operas all day and night. Most of her friends have started to avoid her because of her negativity and complaining. My brother (35 miles away) drops by every couple of weeks but rarely calls. I love her but I do not like her right now...she’s very controlling, too. Any advice?
(1)
Report

My mother is the most negative person I have ever and constantly complains about everything she acts like she's the only one that's sick. And if she finds out I went somewhere without her she's mad. I am sick too I have Lupus and stage 4 kidney failure. I also have 2 brothers and one sister who is no help at all. I feel like I need to be committed.
(1)
Report

And just as a caveat, the strain of dealing with a very negative person can be dangerous. It can turn a normally cheerful person into a complaining sourpuss. Be aware of absorbing the negativity. It is toxic.
(4)
Report

Thank you for this excellent and informative article.
I have an elderly mother who has moved far away. She has many physical disabilities. She lives in a senior residence and gets excellent care.
I am one of her 6 adult children. I have had many health challenges, live alone, no kids, never married. It is all I can do to keep my head above water. However, I have a joyful attitude about life and try to make the most of each day.
My mom is often in pain and has many physical challenges. She does have an active social life and is living in a safe community. She receives a lot of physical assistance with her daily needs, which are many.
She is courageous in many ways, but she is not aging gracefully. Her attitude towards aging is that she is angry and depressed.
I cannot turn back the hands of time for her or for myself.
I try to create healthy boundaries so I do not get sucked into the vortex of negativity she has about her. It is hard to know that she is suffering, and I am as compassionate as I can possibly be. They say misery loves company. I will not be miserable to keep her company. It is simply too much for me. I just about take care of myself.
She has always been self absorbed and even more so now with all the physical challenges she faces.
I have faith in God for myself so I am trying to lead a good life. I cannot throw away my happiness to try to appease her. It is a bottomless pit. She must accept her advancing age. All of us will advance in age until the day we die. She is not unique in that regard. She fails to see the realities of human existence. She will not live forever and neither will I. Neither I nor anyone else can give her a guarantee beyond that. I wish she would have a greater spiritual outlook and a less self absorbed mindset. However, it is what it is. I love her but me sacrificing my own joy in life to keep her company in her emotional misery is not what I plan to do. I pray for her, and for myself too.
(2)
Report

My problem is with my mother in law not my own mother. We were never in a close relationship and didn't really know eachother before she moved in with us. She is paranoid and anxious, trusts no one and tells my husband I am out to get her. She is hurtful and difficult on top of that she complains about everything. We make allowances for her she makes non for us. We have four kids and they are normal kids that have to be told things over and over. She takes issue with that likes it's personal. I am the one who gets the brunt of her verbal attacks. I have never in my life had to put up with such a person. I am at a loss. Please help me.
(2)
Report

I have a negative "Nelly" mother also..I can totally relate to many of the comments here. "Basket case" I think we have the same mother..lol. I've been taking care of my parents by myself (only child) for 7 yrs. my dad passed away 3 yrs ago. And now I am caring for my mother. She has COPD, DVT, and osteoporosis. She complains constantly. But will not call the Dr. about any of her complaints because she says the Drs don't "DO" anything!! Just one day I would like to stop by and have her actually ask me how my day was? I'm a mother of 2 grown children and I love to hear about their lives. She could care less about anything only herself! I pray that God will give me strength daily to deal with her but it seems never ending! She tells me everyday she wants to die... she's ready! This is really taking a toll on me, I have high blood pressure and have been on and off anti depressants. Just trying to hang in there! Would appreciate any comments if others are going through similar things 💗
(3)
Report

Mine has negative things to say about perfect strangers when we are out and it's so embarrassing because she says these hurtful things so loudly, I just want to crawl under the table!
(2)
Report

So glad to read this article! My mom complains about EVERYTHING and is so negative. She is constantly looking at the bad things that *may* happen, no matter the situation.

Useful info. Thank you.
(2)
Report

Savvy blog post .
(1)
Report

How is she at home?
(0)
Report

My mother is 74 and just recently had a two week hospital stay. After getting out of the hospital they said she had to do physical therapy. They said she could either do it in home and they would come about three times a week, or she could do it in a nursing home for up to 21 days. She elected to go to the nursing home. And now she complains EVERY DAY about being there. She can leave whenever she wants and finish up the physical therapy in house, but she continues to stay. She says that she doesn't want the home health nurses to have to come to the house, and she wants to finish everything up in the nursing home. The only problem with this is that she won't be able to finish everything up in the nursing home as they will still send home health in for at least 10 days after she finishes her 21 day physical therapy. Her insurance is covering the cost of the stay, so that's not a big deal, but she doesn't like eating what they provide so me, my brother, and my sister have to bring her something to eat every single night. And the places she wants to go aren't exactly cheap, and she isn't the one having to pay for it either. She also is starting to act like a spoiled brat. The other day my brother was there and she asked for a ginger ale, so he went to the kitchen to get her one but they were out. He came back and told her this, and she said that was fine and to just bring her a diet cola instead. He comes back with the diet cola, and she suddenly gets very angry and yells at him and says "I asked for ginger ale!!" When he told her that they didn't have anymore she yelled again and said "well I'm not gonna drink it dammit!!" She got so loud that the nursing staff had to come in and ask her to calm down. She yelled at them as well and told them to mind their own business. She is getting increasingly more ill tempered the longer she is there, but she won't come home. If I would've acted the way she has acted toward people she would've popped me in the mouth and told me to have more respect for people, and I'm a grown man. But she thinks she can talk to people however she wants and no one can say anything to her without her biting their head off. It's somewhat comforting to know that we aren't alone in this, but it's still something that we shouldn't have to put up with. She is a grown woman who has suddenly started acting like a spoiled brat teenager who makes everything all about her.
(2)
Report

I just joined this blog. Never was on a blog before, but felt I could use alittle support and understanding from people dealing with the same issues that I am. Reading the comments on here made me realize I'm not alone feeling the feelings I am feeling. I'm an only child and my mom used to be my best friend. She is only 75 but acts much older. She has COPD and macular degeneration in both eyes. Weighs about 90 lbs soaking wet. Pretty much self sufficient. After my dad died (1.5 yrs ago) we built an addition on our home for Mom. She still complains about being lonely. I work full time but do work from home each Wednesday. My daughter-in-law works from home (at Moms) 2 days a week. We eat dinner together each night and I usually spend abou an hr after dinner at 'her place'. I see many of the same complaints that I have on her: she's a constant complainer, never asks plz when I'm told what needs to be done for her, or offers a thank you. Asks impossible questions of me (which I could not possibly be able to answer, the gets mad at me when I tell her I don't know), wants me to make all decisions for her (which I refuse to as she is quite capable to decide these things as they directly affect her, then she gets mad and accuses me of arguing). I won't argue with her which I think ticks her off but it's senseless as she believes she is always right and I can't see wasting me time getting worked up about trivial things. I'm an LPN and have her health always monitored and at the top of the list. I'm just extremely frustrated and feel mentally abused by the things she says to me. Hard to believe that she can be so cruel. She has alienated the few friends she has. Who wants to spend time with a miserable person? Today was bad and she was screaming at me using profanity. I told her not to speak to me that way. At which time she Raised her fist and told me that she will speak to me any way she chooses. At that time I walked away, I never raised my voice. I kept a calm even tone though out but this has really shaken me. Seems impossible not to take it personally. I'm praying for strength.
(7)
Report

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You
You can find it on Amazon or eBay for about $11.
(1)
Report

What is the book?
(0)
Report

1 2 3
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter