My 88 year old mother is in a nursing home and wants to die. I've asked my older brother and sister to consider anti-depressants and all three of us would go together. My brother replied "A pill isn't the answer to everything" and my sister agreed. I was floored. If I even mention anti-depressants it cause a major argument. So my mother is going to live miserably until she dies because "a pill isn't the answer to everything". I'm so upset I could scream.

This article would have been more helpful to me if there had been more discussion about what to do when your parent lashes out by constantly complaining, feeling sorry for themselves, and admits they are probably depressed but who refuses to see a doctor or therapist about the depression and will not engage in any way with other elder adults going through similar circumstances. I guess this is where I read the articles about detaching in love.

I know that this is an old article--My 90 year old parents lash out all the time. My Mom wishes God would take her. They don't get along with each other or anyone else. Depression show it self as anger.

i have tears as i typr this, after reading other posts. my mom is 90 and currently in a rehab. she's been in assisted living for 2 yrs and it was going well until the turn of the year. she has no major health problems but complained of knee pain (she does have arthritis but not debilitating). after a few days in the hosp (found a cyst and clot, prob due to lack of movement w the knee issue) she was actually doing better...walking unassisted with a walker. now, in the rehab she hasn't eating for about 5 days. luckily, i have sibling and we work a schedule to make sure one of is there each day but even with us ther now, she refuses to eat and just wants to lie in bed. what i am having the hardest time with is how she can give up on life. she has lots of family and we are all around and agin, no significant health problem. if she "gives us mentally" i fear her body will not comply and she will suffer for a long time. my sister feels she is clinically depressed and i have to agree but meds don't seem to be making any change. although i lost my father 17 yrs ago, this wil my mother is so much more frustrating (my dad had so many health issues when he chose to let go, his body complied in just a few days, plus we knew his pain would be eased). i jus don't understand this....i don't understand why she feels her life is not still worth living? this is the woman who always lit up when a child was in a room and bragged constantly about her child/grandchildren, etc. i fearing like the other post that i am the one that is going to end up on antidepressents as a result of this, never mind how its affecting me and my relationship with my husband/children. arghhh!

Rrsams, I don't think the ALF will ask your mother to leave unless she has disrupting outbursts. My father lives in an ALF and I have noticed that his attitude and personality have improved significantly over the past two years. Much to my surprise, his outbursts declined to the point where we have not seen one in over a year. We have learned to avoid setting off the "triggers" which would anger him and cause an outburst. It helps to smile a lot at the patient and "reflect" to them only positivity, because they tend to mirror what they see in us. We have learned never to argue with my father, and to not bounce around, changing the subject too often (because this can feel stressful or overwhelming to him). We try to be calm and keep things CALM. Be super-cheery around around your mother, bring her a little surprise or two (small gifts), take an interest in mail she has received and read it over with her.....hoping these ideas will help you.

My mothers is currently living in a ALF and has been talking about a few other ladies in a mean way, complaining about them. I'm so afraid that they will ask her to leave, don't have a plan B. She has been angry and anxious to the point that I don't like being around her. She is on an anti-depressant med. but maybe something needs to be added to that. I think my sisters are calling her and getting her all upset regarding her living situation, she can't afford to live by herself and I couldn't take her living with me full time. I don't think my sisters want her to live with them either, sad I know. Any similiar stories out there?

My mom doctor calls her depression medicine a "sleep aid' . This is working so far. Pray for strength and vent on this site. Good luck and God bless your family

Thank you, Anne. I did the best I could for him, with the information I had at the time. My mother passed away 6 weeks after I moved here. She didn't tell anyone how ill she was with cancer. Yes, I have had issues where people do not want the truth. I wanted information, honesty and truth, and could find little.

JenJilks, you put it exactly right. I feel that I owe my mother the respect that she deserves. She too was an independent person, living in her own home until she was 91. I drove her places, but she fixed her own meals did her laudray, and took care of her personal needs. I helped her with cleaning...I tried to do it when she was at her hair appointment, that way she could still keep her independence...she knew what I was doing, but we just didn't acknowledge it. So now, she just feels like she has lost all of that, and how can I tell her she is wrong for feeling the way she does. I tried to feed her yesterday and I knew she just hated it. The best to you...take care of yourself.

JenJilks, Thank you for telling it like it is. That is what helps me on this forum, hearing the truth spoken by others, so that my own difficulty is validated and then I feel understood and supported. (Because in "polite society" I often feel like talking about stuff like this isn't exactly welcome, so I rarely do.) I am sorry you had to go through all that. It sounds like it was so very difficult. You took good care of your Dad, and as you say, respected his wishes there toward the end. ( It sounds from your post like he has passed away. am so sorry) You can feel good about that; you were faithful to him.

You really have to respect a person's wishes. My father gave up eating, I went in every day to feed him and he really didn't want it but could not articulate it. He sat for 6 months in unrecognised pain being angry and dependent upon others for his self-care: he couldn't walk, go to the bathroom, eat by himself, etc.Miserable life for an independent man, who served in the war, into total dependence!
I ended up on antidepressants, quit my job, gained weight. it was awful.

I have actually witnessed this type of behavior-when I volunteer at a nursing facility...it is very sad to watch I am sure, but as previouly mentioned, thru medications, it may be possible to control depression and all that may follow. If you can speak with a physicain about this, I would do just that-you have nothing to loose. The lashing out at you - from my understanding is because you are close-and probably nothing is meant by this...So which leaves you with the fact of having to accept this-or tune it out. Hopefully in time things will improve. If there is something your parent may find to be calming or positive-try to employ this.
Good Luck!
Hap

Marty, it is good to hear from you and to hear that you are working through this issue with your family. I agree that this forum is so helpful to all of us. There are real people behind each of these posts, with real and powerful emotions going on. How often has one of us teared up as we read or wrote something here? I know I have. I trust that the doctors will compassionately and intelligently advise you and guide you through this process with your mother, and what the next steps will be. God bless you, Marty....

Annie123 and Caroline 234, thanks for your posts. I laid awake last night agonizing about what to do. I am thoroughtly convinced that my mother is of sound mind...she knows what she is saying and doing...I think as her daughter I owe it to her to not fight her. I will go every day, if at all possible, try to get her to eat, let her know that I will do everything I can to make her confortable, and that I will make sure that she is respected and loved.. She put off marriage to take care of her younger brothers and sisters, was only married for 6 years before becoming a widow with a 5 year old and a 2 year old (me) has been a widow for 52 years, and has been taking care of people her whole life.

She is not crazy when she says just let me go...I truly believe she wants to be with my Dad. I just got off the phone with her 83 year sister...she says the brothers and sisters all agree that she has given up and they don't want her to suffer, or be forced to do something she doesnt want. She does not have a living will, so I do not know what the medical professionals will do...that is the next step.

Thank you all for letting me vent...I don't know what I would do without this forum. God Bless all of you.

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When I take the dog to the nursing home to visit everyone lights up. People who can't or don't want to communicate will show interested in the dog and many want to pet her.
I wish that all nursing homes had dogs and cats living at the places but I suppose they cannot because people could trip over them.
That is the only reason I can think of not to have pets at the nursing home.

You may not be able to handle it or make it better my husband wanted to die for years and had been in a coma for 1 week a few years ago and he said he wished he had died. The year that he did die at age70 he gave up stopped going to PT which he had loved and told me he could not go home and when he got critical I think he will ed himself to die what I would be worried about is there soul I know my husband loved THE LORD and was a beliver and I am assured he is now in the glory of God the best you can do is to make sure that the person is able to talk to clergy if they are not interested at least you did all you could. My husband had a roomate who refused PT always said he was tired his ex would come in every day with a cup of coffe and a newspaper and his kids encouraged him to get up the answer was I am too tired one day I went in and his bed was empty and my husband said he had died - I said he told them he was too tired his last days were spent fighting with everyone that was sad. After DNR's were accepted I spent time with pts. just holding their hands I would want that if I was ready to leave this earth. I heard of a nursing home that has a cat who knows when someone to close to the end and will go and lie with a dying person until the end-I think that is great.

I think expressing a wish to die can be a form of release and expression for some older people. It is a way of saying just how much they have lost and that they understand the reality that it is not going to get better.
My father hated going to a nursing home and later when he became incontinent he really hated it and often said he wished he could just die.
I understand there are times when a person needs an anti-depressant but not always.
I think my dad's expressions were TRUE, PRACTICAL, feelings related to his condition. I will feel the same way. Saying he just wished he could die is what he felt and feels and he has a right to feel that way without someone freaking out and prescribing all kinds of medications to him - in hopes of what? fogging the reality of his situation.
So they have put my dad on all kinds of stuff and now he is not himself. I prefer him.
Now he knows he cannot express himself to anyone except me. Now he knows if he says --- god I wish I could die, or just someone please shoot me and get it over with.-- that someone will rush out and put him on a new pill. So now he just has to keep quiet about his feelings.
I think this is a shame. If you feel like dirt and you want to say it, you should be able to without worrying about some social worker drugging you up.

Marty, I just heard about a case similar to yours last week when I was talking to a friend. She and her family were going through a difficult time as you are---Her mother ( in her 90's) had had a series of serious health problems and she sensed that it was "time" to go. She told her children this and that she was going to cease eating and allow her body to die. She said to them: "Don't make this hard for me." My friend said that yes, it was indeed very hard, but they did acquiesce to their mother's wishes. Every case is unique and this is your family's and your mother's business and decision to make. I just wanted to tell you this story because I had just heard this from my friend.

My 93 year old mother, living in a nursing home, has decided she, too, wants to die. She refuses to eat or drink anything. Yesterday, they put in an IV, but she keeps trying to pull it out. She has just given up...she is on medication for depression and anxiety, but she is determined that she is done. She told me to just let her go...that if I loved her, I would do what she wishes. Her sisters and brothers all agree that she has given up and none of us know what to do.

My mother is 95 and in a nursing home which she hates for the past 5 years. She now insist she is dying and wants all her children by her bed side all the time. She is having the staff to call us constantly crying and screeming all hours in the day and night. Is there anything we can do to help her?

My father did the exact same thing. His doctor suggested that he see a psychiatrist, and Dad refused. Dad also refuses to even entertain the notion of taking an anti-depressant. He considers it "beneath" him, as if it's a sign of weakness. Life would be so much easier for my husband and me if my father would take an anti-depressant.
Sgpinked, you could try talking to your Mom's doctor in private about your Mom's situation. It's worth a try---maybe he can make more headway presenting his opinion and options to her.

my mom is depressed, and refuses to take medication because she doesn't like taking pills! She has been healthy most of her life with the exception of breast cancer. She simply has become depressed and refuses to admit she is depressed. she says shes 80 yrs. old and tired, there is nothing wrong. What can I do when she shuts down with me.

What can we do if mom has suffered from depression on and off most of her life, and refuses to acknowledge it? She is very anti-doctor, and flat out refuses medication and certainly therapy.

Another complication is that often poor nutrition compounds the emotional impact of frail bodies. It is important to check that nutritional needs are being checked, especially vitamins D and B.