I don't have a Healthcare Directive. I really should get one. I do not believe in blood transfusions. My family is aware of this. But my oldest brother said that if I ever ended up in the hospital and needed blood transfusion to live, he would tell them yes. I know that fave sis would say yes - she would rather I be alive and mad, than to be dead and final. So, when I had my first surgery, both of them accompanied me. My surgeon asked me if I was in critical condition during surgery, would my family have a problem if he followed my wishes of no blood transfusion. I said YES with feelings. He left me, called them to the pre-op room, and then in front of them, he asked me what was my wishes with regards to blood transfusion. I said it. He then turned to my siblings and "lectured" them that this is my life, and my beliefs, and that they need to respect that. He then asked them to respond to my wishes. They both told me straight out, in front of the surgeon, that they will honor my wishes of no blood transfusion. I was sooooo relieved, I looked at the surgeon and said, "thank you! I was sooo worried that when you don't do the blood transfusion, they will blame you and try to sue you!"

One of my to-do list, along with updating my Life Insurance. I got that when I was in my early 20's. That's like 25 years ago. I don't even remember who my beneficiaries are! Can't remember if this was the time when fave sis and I had a tumultuous relationship. We're very close now and she has done soooo much for my mental and emotional welfare all these years of caregiving the parents. I need to make sure she's my beneficiary.

MsTowns, I see an option you have that may work to move your mother. Your mother apparently has spoken with her bishop. He has cautioned her on her side of the story only. How about you and your sister going to him and telling him you and your sister's side of the story? Go to your local Bishop and discuss it with him too! Give your local Bishop number to your mother's Bishop. I wish you the best to get her a new home closer to you. Independence is very important to the elderly.

Great advice! Indeed, who needs an argument around their deathbed?

One woman in my caregiver group arranged for her husband's medical power of attorney to be her son's life-long best friend. Both her son and his friend were physicians. She felt the friend would be more emotionally objective about what was best. When a hospital or clinic person tried to talk her into something for her husband she said, "Let's consult his medical power of attorney." They all had a hard time believing she wouldn't make the decision herself, but she was very satisfied to handle it in this way.

Usually the medical power of attorney is going to be a child. But it doesn't have to be. And it certainly should be ONE person!

Great advice! Thank you!

I just got the paper work. This article is great. Thx

My 93 year old MIL put my husband and his only brother (they are 62 and 64 respectively) as joint everything and it has caused nothing but trouble from the start. My husband should have been the obvious choice except for the fact that BIL lives nearby. We are financially independent while BIL has stated that he has not planned at all for his own retirement - and he has her checkbook and control of everything. MIL is and has always been in terrible denial about the fact that he is a manipulator and a bully and 'just wants you two boys to work it out together'. She thinks that by forcing this issue things will 'just work out'. My husband and I tried to get her to move closer to us a long time ago, where medical treatment and long term care facilities are so much better but she didn't want to leave her small town. We understand that, but now she is in a hell hole of a place and had the funds and insurance to have things so much better. In order to get anything at all done, the smallest thing, it is a battle royal between my husband and his brother. We quit asking questions and have taken the attitude out of force that there are no victims here, just volunteers. It has really been a mental burden for my husband feeling like, with DPOA, he should be doing more to act in her best interest, but he really can't. It has created a permanent divide that will never heal. Recently while visiting his mother, he noticed the man who has saved nothing, by his own admission, has a new Lexus in his driveway. He also mentioned to my husband that 'if you see random checks made out for cash (on line statements for bank) for $500 they are for bird seed for her feeder (outside her window at the NH)". I said nothing but it sounds more like a car payment to me. MIL will complain to my husband and he has told her many times to pick one or the other to be POA because he and brother will never agree. She changes the subject.
This article is ON THE MONEY. We have a blended family with six kids, three each. We KNOW which one and spouse will do our will should we be incapacitated. Sure some will have undies in a bunch. But we will be taken the best care of this way and we believe, in the end, will keep them as civil to each other as possible, rather than 'wishing and hoping' that we could force them into a better, closer relationship which we are sure would rather pit them against each other. Got to be realistic.

This sounds harsh, but I would call Adult Protective Services and report her. She is probably living in unsafe/unsanitary conditions because of her dementia and the cats. They can force her into cleaning up or giving up her house. She needs protection from the 'friends', help with meds, help with personal care, etc. They will assign a case worker and probably advise her to go into an assisted living facility. She evidently places more value on what strangers (the bishop) tell her to do than she does on what her family says. This paranoia is common with dementia. So get strangers involved in her care - they will likely meet less resistance than you and they are used to these situations. I'm sorry you're having this problem and I pray God will give you the wisdom, strength and compassion to find answers that work for all concerned. I just noticed the date on this question - I guess you've probably solved it by now - I just got an email on it today??!

I would actually like to see an answer to MsTowns' question.

That is strange to have a plural. All the Adv Directive and POA I have seen only have a FIRST... then if that person IS NOT ABLE only then the next person comes up.

What if your parent thinks they can still maintain control, but they can't. The house is on 3 acres, 4 bedrooms and way too much for her to afford and/or maintain, it's falling down around her and she refuses to move because of her 13 cats (reminds me of Gray Gardens)! Neither my sister (6 hours aways) nor I (4 hours away) can convince her to move nearer to one of us. This past week she wound up in the ICU. I went to the hospital to try to convince her she needs to move, that she cannot afford to live there and services are too limited. She had a staff infection (from not bathing for who knows how long) and depleted sodium from not taking her meds or eating right because she gets depressed from the lonliness, but as soon as she has our attention (in this manner) she refuses to let us help her. There are two edlerly "friends" with their grown children just waiting for her to die so they can invade the place. Much of her jewlery has already been stolen this past year and she has yet to call the police or file and insurance report. She is being taken complete advantage of and doesn't "get it". About two years ago I tried convicing her to let me or my sister have POA so we could manage her affairs, help her get a smaller home near me where I and my two sons can help me to help her. Her response then was that a bishop of the church once told her never give control to your children because he had seen some children put their parents on the street! Needless to say I was extremely hurt and upset with her for even thinking such a thing. I've always cared for our entire family, I have a college degree, great job that meets mine and my children's needs (one of my sons is cognitively disabled) and both sons are finally thriving successfully and she thinks this???? My sister is walking away from all of it right now. I am at my wits end and not sure if we have to just sit and watch this happen (Gray Gardens comes to mind) or if we can or even should try to take the proper legal action to insure her well being. At what point do we do this? The hospital team said I should seek the advice of an attorney....the attorney I contacted said she would have to consent to a psych exam and that's not happening. Any advise aside from go on with my life. That's so much easier said than done....I love my mom, but she has "issues".